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Subliminally, I nod my whenever Reynaldo Lopez is mentioned. It’s a disease similar to Jimmy Legs; it’s called Lo-Pez Head. Yesterday, my Lo-Pez Head nodded for all the good he was doing (6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunenrs (3 BBs), 14 Ks, ERA at 6.03). Lopez faced Murmurer’s Row of Detroit and sent them down, down, down, down–how many downs is that? 4 downs at three downs per down, that’s still only 12 downs and he had 14. Damn, that’s too many Ks for even the Alt-Right Sox. Usually Reynaldo Lopez rattles off a bag of Dick Poles. Am I now interested? Do I look *makes nutter rolly finger motion on side of head*? He was once a big-time prospect with a mid-90s MPH fastball that can hit straight-boing type levels. I see his current 11.2 K/9 and get weak in the knees, can barely speak, but his 4.9 BB/9 is his usual Pitfall Harry and his 5.47 xFIP doesn’t scream confidence like a man with 100-point font. I’d continue to view him as a streamer for now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:
Eloy Jimenez – Hit the IL with a high right ankle sprain, after he crashed into a wall. I don’t blame Eloy; I blame television and those Kool-Aid commercials.
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Flavor Flav’s fantasy baseball team, “Yeah Boyd!!!” is having itself a season, and this is from Flav who usually only plays fantasy baeball, drafting Hoopz, New York and Pumkin in the first three rounds.
Eric Sogard – 3-for-6 and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in the last five games, hitting .415. Hot schmotato alert!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4. On Friday, the Jays optioned down Richard Urena to call up some kid named Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Poetry really, since Vlad Sr. once opened his urethra to bring up Vlad Jr. Think Vlad Jr. could be spurring so many emotions (at least for me), because he’s the first major leaguer’s son who I can remember watching his dad’s whole career. Unless you count Adalberto Mondesi but he disowned his father. This is like an extended video of Cat’s in the Cradle and I’m here for the blubbering.
Aaron Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.32. His pre-Vlad Guerrero Jr. his ERA was 2.77 and post-Vlad Guerrero it’s 0.00. You don’t think Guerrero has anything to do with that? C’mon.
Brett Anderson – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.35. But how does this relate to Vlad Jr., because that’s all I want to know about. Do you have Vlad Guerrero Jr. fatigue yet? I do, as in I’m wearing fatigues that are covered in pics of the Guerrero family so I can camouflage myself at the next Guerrero family reunion.
Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (0 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Here’s how my morning went yesterday. I’m on a mission to see every Vlad Guerrero Jr. at-bat in the major leagues, so I turned on the Toronto game. When prompted, I chose American English broadcast instead of Canadian English and settled in with some Moose Munch and a Molson. As a by-product, I got to watch Trent Thornton (5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.08) and Chris Bassitt. First hitter, Eric Sogard hit a 89 MPH cutter off Bassitt for a home run and I mentally tuned out on him. Thornton has some wipe-out pitches, but no clue where they’re going most of the time. Then, as each inning passed, Bassitt started to win me back. The Jays were helping him by swinging at balls, but Bassitt’s cutter that Sogard jumped on early looked nasty later on. I came away impressed. I didn’t add him in 12-team mixed, but looked at him in 15-teamers.
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 4th homer in the last three games. Yes, obviously a huge hot schmotato, however — again with some stank — HOWEVER! — going against the Orioles’ pitching staff is like swimming laps around someone wearing cement shoes.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .270. He’s the most boring exciting hitter ever.
Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.88. That’s two straight solid starts. In related news, can he only face the Orioles?
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks in his 1st start as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m putting in a request to Human Resources. I want to be referred to as ‘they’ so when I do something wrong it’s harder to track it back to me.”
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 4th and 5th homer. Baseball-Contracts dot com says Albies made $14.08 between home runs.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Freeman…free ball, staying on-brand.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the 1st time three players for the same team all hit their 5th homer in a game since Mark Whiten played MLB The Show 19 and made a team of all Mark Whitens.
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.80. His ERA doesn’t tell his whole story; his peripherals are decent. Too bad I have leagues with that pesky ERA stat.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd this weekend. Can’t believe I’m just thinking of this but SELL KRIS BRYANT! *looks up in the sky* Did you hear me? Now you make Kris Bryant hot. *sees Kris Bryant homer* Okay, now do it again with Jesus Aguilar! Hello? Are you there? You’re God, you can’t hang up.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-3, 3 runs, and his 2nd homer, hitting .198. I’ll never let the Rockies fool me again into buying a guy who won’t get playing time. Also me: Buy Raimel Tapia!
Jean Segura – 3-for-4, 2 runs as he returned on Saturday from a hamstring injury, then got hit on the head by a fastball. In layman’s terms, he had a hammy, rapped on melon.
Zach Eflin – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (0 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.34, as he took on the MIA Marlins. MIA isn’t their city code, it’s what they are. Streamonator obviously loved this start, but doesn’t love his next one, and I agree, even if I like Eflin, in general.
Christian Yelich – Came out of Sunday’s game with back soreness from carrying his whole team. On Saturday, his 14th homer tied the record for the most home runs before May 1st. Our Commissioner Manfred sent his regards to Yelich as he presided over a group of Guatemalan women painting stitches on Super Balls.
Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, in his 1st start. Could see a lot of games like this one from Gio. He just lulls you to sleep with 89 MPH, outside-corner junk. Visual metaphor alert! A Gio takes you to your destination, but there’s bikers passing you by you’re going so slow.
Travis d’Arnaud – Designated for assignment, which means the Mets’ backup catcher is neat-o. Sorry, was dictating to Siri. Their backup catcher is Tomas Nido, definitely not neat-o. Somewhere, Devin Mesoraco is ugly-laughing.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.35. Damn, if only someone told you to avoid Syndergaard this year. That would’ve been a great call. Who could’ve ever predicted this from Syndergaard though? Predicting this would’ve been some kind of Oracle-Genie-futuristic-sci-fi novel shizz. I mean, no one ever could’ve. Ever. Too bad.
Steven Matz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Not trying to incur the Fantasy Baseball Overlord’s wrath, but I own two Mets pitchers (Wheeler and Matz), and I’ve been doing just fine in my leagues for pitching.
Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Oh…*climbs up the side of Mt. Rushmore*….kay. That’s not Minor. That’s major. A fun tool we have is the top 100 starts of the year list. Honestly, it’s not even a tool as much as Matthew McConaughey saying, “All right, all right.” Minor’s the only pitcher who appears twice in the top 12 (as of Sunday). Now for the less fun news, his peripherals (8.6 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 4.33 xFIP) are so much less than his results that I’d be selling.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.45. Too bad there’s no way you ever would’ve started Lynn yesterday–Wait, oh, I know. You might’ve if you listened to the Streamonator.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .365. Also, in this game, Logan Forsythe (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer; Shin-Soo Choo (3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer and Hunter Pence (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer, coming up a triple short of a cycle. The Rangers tagged the M’s for 14 runs, and 15 runs on Saturday, as Our Commissioner Manfred tried out baseballs that had little propellers on them. “You wanna see propellers?” That’s Manfred reenacting his favorite Goodfellas scene and handing umps baseballs.
Danny Santana – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .345. Dannys Antana has been a schmotato for about a week now, but I’ve been hesitant to say it because I keep thinking he’s going to lose playing time, but he won’t lose it if he keeps hitting. See how that works?
Erik Swanson – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.62. That was fun, now get off my team. No, you don’t have to finish your drink, take the whole glass with you and just leave. Thanks.
Chris Archer – Hit the IL with inflammation in his right thumb, and sounds like he’ll only miss one start. I.e. Archer’s bows out for a week.
Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Got Melk? Then you usually lack those (pun points!) homers.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks in his 1st start. He high-fived his teammates after the game and got a blister.
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .427. Does anyone own Bellinger and is not in 1st place in their league? Show of hands. No, those are your feet. Your hands are the things on your arms. No, those are your legs, not your arms.
Alex Reyes – Fractured his pinkie after punching a wall. Sounds like a bonehanded move. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses! I suggest my standard 13% tip.
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 5.02. His 6.9 walk rate is Stoopid Ft. Bobby Shmurda. Can’t succeed with a Tekashi-6.9 walk rate. Are you dumb-d-dumb-dumb-dumb-d-dumb-dumb-dumb?
Kris Bryant – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and 3rd homer. Somebody pinch me. Not you, Kevin Spacey!
Willson Contreras – 1-for-6 and a slam (7) and legs (1), hitting .276. Contreras caught all 15 innings, which is less a big deal than Carson Kelly (1-for-6) catching all 15 innings for the Diamondbacks when they’re carrying four catchers. Well played, D-Bags.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .286. Damn, now it’s getting awkward that you dropped him the 1st week of the season.
Griffin Canning – Being promoted by the Angels. Mr. Pants on Saturday gave you his Griffin Canning fantasy; Prospect Mike did the same yesterday. Don’t have much to add, including him in mixed leagues. Though I would’ve added him in an AL-Only league, if I had room.
Emilio Pagan – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save on Saturday, and worked a one-out inning in the 7th on Sunday. After the 1st two saves by Pagan, Rays manager, Kevin Cash, said Jose Alvarado/Diego Castillo were resting. Jose Alvarado and Diego Castillo worked the 8th inning on Saturday of what was clearly a save opportunity the whole time, so resting is a bunch of 80-grade BS. Then, yesterday, Diego Castillo worked the 9th for his 3rd save. It’s almost like Kevin Cash doesn’t like fantasy baseball and is just effin’ with us. If this were the 80’s, we’d blame Pagan on ‘Satanic panic.’ I have attempted to pick up Pagan everywhere, and was 100% unsuccessful. I haven’t dropped Castillo or Alvarado, because they’re A) Good B) Could get saves C) No C.
Tyler Glasnow – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.75, and going into Fenway like NO BIG DEAL. How about that sleeper post I wrote on Glasnow?! Are we not discussing your Cedric Mullins and Daniel Palka sleeper posts? No, we’re not, Random Italicized Voice.
Michael Chavis – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Exhibit A why I say just pick up call-ups. Maybe they won’t hit and get sent right back down, or maybe Chavis is headed for a 25-homer season.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.52, and had two more unearned runs. I never would’ve drafted him, nor told you to do it, but we’re way past that point now. He looked pretty whatever, and he’s a 1st half pitcher, consistently doing worse in the 2nd half. That’s not good.
Can someone show me Chris Sale pre- and post-belly button infection stats?
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 28, 2019
Eric Lauer – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Fun fact! When Eric’s family travels to Hawaii, they call themselves the Luau’ers. As for Lauer, I don’t trust him, but would use the Streamonator.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – Went down with a hamstring injury and now I’m selling all my possessions and becoming homeless because life’s not worth living. Goodbye. Wait, I don’t own him. Oh, okay, we good.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, and a home run on Friday and Saturday. We got ourselves a hot schmotafroe!
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .243. He’s on pace for 25 homers. Those that are asking to drop him, not sure what you were expecting. He’s doing what he does.
Joey Lucchesi – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.94. Can we talk about how hard it must be for Joey Lucchesi to pitch when he also talks with his hands? It’s like talking and chewing gum at the same time. Okay, so this start was once again terrible by Lucchesi, but it was not a good matchup, and I’m still holding. I know, that’s becoming more difficult. I benched him everywhere yesterday, so not sure why his Sunday start is even vexing you. Honestly, weird vex but okay.
Juan Soto – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (3), and 2nd homer in two days, and 3rd in four. *breathes in* I’ll never get sick of Sexy Dr. Pepper’s effervescent.
Matt Adams – 1-for-6 and his 3rd homer, which is whatever, but with Ryan Zimmerman out with plantar fasciitis, Adams could have some room to play. By the by, I have a Benito Mussolini Chia plant that’s a planter fascist.
Carter Kieboom – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Not surprisingly, Kieboom is also an onomatopoeia for what I did to my FAAB budgets this weekend trying to get Kieboom. “Grey’s dropping a $231 spot on Keiboom, and…Kieboom! Someone went to $232.” By the by, I’m not sure I mentioned this on the site (I did mention in on the pod), but two weeks ago when Cole Tucker was called up, I put in a $326 bid, and someone else bid $326 and got them because they were below me in the standings. That’s the crazy shizz that no one cares about because it’s not your team; I get it. Let’s talk more about your team.
Dereck Rodriguez – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.35. Bleh, I like the former MLB All-Star son who is pudgy vs. Pudge’s son. (That was almost 1200 words since my last allusion to Vladimir Guerrero Jr.)
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.68. Happ’s really found himself this week in matchups of terrible Western division teams. C’mon, more road trips!
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Dong-a-roni! Gary left his hard hits in San Francisco.
Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.68 vs. Brad Peacock – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. A peacock is a narcissistic bird, showing off its plumage, and Bieber sang a song about the kiss-off of a narcissistic lover in Love Yourself, but Peacock beat Bieber, which shows that one must love thyself, which reminds me I have this idea for TV trays that sit on your lap called, Love Thigh-Shelf. Any investors?
