If you hail from Central New Jersey, sorry. I didn’t mean to get your hopes up. Albert Pujols does not represent the 609. If you are a Ludacris fan, sorry. Pujols may or may not have garden hoes in different area codes, but I can neither confirm nor deny it. Rather, Pujols slugged his 609th career home run Friday night. It doesn’t matter that it came off Jeremy Hellickson, who’s allowed the 14th-most home runs this season, and is already the 439th-worst of all time. I was going to go on an epic rant about how all the stories are focused on the fact that he’s tied with Sammy Sosa for the most home runs by a foreign-born player. Who gives a flying F where he was born? Then I started thinking, I wonder which player born in Los Angeles has hit the most home runs. Yet again, I’ve managed to stymie myself. Anyways, who cares that Pujols has a triple slash of .229/.274/.374 with an ISO of .144. Let’s just celebrate the great career he’s had and send him off into the sunset after this season. My self checks to make sure this is his last year…

Not one…not two…not three…but four years left and $114 million owed!!!

Here’s what else I saw Friday night:

Jeremy Hellickson – Just in case you didn’t believe what I was writing above about Hellickson, he gave up five home runs in 4 2/3 innings. I’m of the opinion that is a sub-optimal ratio to have. If you care, he allowed eight total hits, seven earned runs, and struck out two. He didn’t issue a walk, though. On a night filled with history, why not just let Hellickson try to break the record for home runs allowed in a game? He only needed to give up three more to break it.

Roll call….

We already highlighted the Pujols home run. Mike Trout (1-for-4 with a HR and two RBI), Kole Calhoun (2-for-4 with a HR), Kaleb Cowart (2-for-4 with a HR), and C.J. Cron (2-for-4 with a HR).

What. The. F.

Literally, as I was writing this piece, the Angels were up 7-5 heading into the bottom of the ninth. I look up and I see that they lost 9-7.

Image result for you get a home run meme

Manny Machado went 3-for-5 with three home runs and seven RBI, including the walk off. I think this is an instance when the numbers speak for themselves. Speak numbers. Speak.

Tim Beckham with another two hits and two runs scored. Yawn. Wake me up when he doesn’t do something.

Mark Trumbo and Caleb Joseph both with a home run off Andrew Heaney (five innings, seven hits, five earned runs, five strikeouts, and four home runs allowed) who was locked in an epic duel with Hellickson. I gotta say. The heart they both showed last night really inspired me.

Ho hum. Dodgers win again. Rich Hill went five innings, allowed six hits, three earned runs, walked three, and struck out five. He did allow one home run. Tossing batting practice for the Tigers was Jordan Zimmermann, who allowed 10 hits, seven earned runs, walked two, and struck out five in 5 1/3 innings. At least he didn’t give up a home run.

Chris Taylor went 4-for-5 with a run scored and two RBI. I’ve been looking at Taylor’s BABIP all season and thinking that regression is coming at some point. It’s at .391 right now. I’ll maybe start thinking about fading him when it gets to .750. The freaking guy also stole a base, which gives him 14 for the year.

Adrian Gonzalez went 1-for-4 with a run scored and a RBI. Just wanted to remind you all that he’s still alive. Now, the Dodgers are just rubbing it in.

Speaking of players that are still alive, Victor Martinez went 2-for-5 with a HR. After the game, Victor was asking when they play the Baltimore Orioles.

Justin Upton had a monster game going 4-for-5 with two home runs and a double. Who’s been passed around more? Kate or Justin? Kind of baffling that they both were, but here we are contemplating the question.

Matt Garza and German Marquez “dueled” in Colorado. They both allowed three home runs each and gave up a shit load of runs. You don’t care about their lines, so I’ll just tell you who did the damage.

Charlie Blackmon went 2-for-3 with a HR. He’s scored 113 runs on the season, which is 21 more than second place. Does the black delegation amend their Eminem pick?

Carlos Gonzalez (2-for-4 with a HR). Today’s post is about dead guys and dongs.

Eric Thames (2-for-5 with a double and a triple). Batting lead off. Susan, let’s go live to Korea…

Domingo Santana, Orlando Arcia, and Keon Broxton know a little German, as they all hit a home run off Marquez. School is cool kids.

Corey Kluber (5 1/3 innings, six hits, one earned run, one walk, and four strikeouts). The Klubot left the game early due to a sprained ankle suffered in the sixth inning when he landed awkwardly trying to cover first base.

Jason Kipnis (1-for-4 with a HR). He’s homered in three of the past four games. This is real. JK.

Jay Bruce (3-for-5 with two home runs and five RBI). Brrruuuuucccceeeeeee.

Edwin Encarnacion (2-for-5 with a HR). Nothing makes me happier than watching the parrot trot around the bases.

Brandon Moss (1-for-3 with a HR). Moss has 16 home runs with a .201 average on the year. Adam Dunn just tweeted that he’s a donkey.

Melky Cabrera (3-for-4). If you need help in average and, literally nothing else, then Melky is your guy.

Dallas Keuchel (Seven innings, three hits, zero earned runs, one walk, and three strikeouts). Looks like he’s rounding into form. Imagine a young stud who was a Casanova with the ladies. One day, he’s thrown into a spaceship for reasons unknown. For two months, he orbits the Earth and is unable to jerk off. Why? Because where’s the cum going to go? It would just float around aimlessly in the cabin. So, for two months, nothing. When he returns to Earth, he’s greeted by the finest women in all the land. How do you think he’d perform that first night?

Sean Manaea (Six innings, six hits, three earned runs, one walk, and two strikeouts). Pretty impressive outing, considering the Astros are potent against left-handed pitching. With that said, he’s struck out two or fewer batters in five of the last six games.

Matt Joyce (2-for-2 with a HR). My momma always said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” She didn’t really say that. She’s Korean. The expression seemed appropriate in this particular case, though.

Alex Bregman and Jose Altuve went back-to-back. Altuve thought for sure he’d be taller.

Jake Arrieta went 6 1/3 innings, allowed six hits, one earned run, walked two, and struck out six. Damn, I didn’t realize how good Arrieta has been. His numbers are very similar to last year. The K/9 is 0.01 higher this year. He’s even walking fewer batters. The only difference is that he’s allowed more home runs. He’s allowed two earned runs or fewer in seven straight starts.

J.A. Happ went five innings, allowed nine hits, five earned runs, walked two, and struck out eight. He’s now 6-9 on the season. Hehe. Nice. There was a little Happ on Happ crime, as J.A. struck out Ian three times.

Javier Baez (2-for-4 with a HR and three RBI). I just saw the headline, “Is Javy Baez the most exciting athlete in Chicago?” Wow, things are that bad in Chicago?

Anthony Rizzo (2-for-4 with two RBI and a stolen base). In authentic Italian-accented voice, Hey Tony. I heard that Baez is the most exciting athlete in Chicago. Momma mia!

Both Jose Bautista and Ben Zobrist got caught stealing. Mid-life crisis?

Carlos Martinez went seven innings, allowed six hits (two home runs), three earned runs, walked one, and struck out four. When he left the game, the Cardinals were up 10-3. Final score 11-10. Whew.

Trevor Williams kept his team in the game by going three innings, allowing seven hits (three home runs), and eight earned runs. He walked two and struck out three.

Josh Harrison (1-for-3 with a HR). Was pinch-hit for by Max Moroff, who also hit a home run. Harrison has solid numbers on the year, but can you be considered good if you get pinch hit for by Max Moroff?

David Freese (1-for-4 with a HR and two RBI). Freese has done something to Hell eight times this season.

Tommy Pham (1-for-4 with a HR and two RBI). I love green eggs and Tommy Pham.

Matt Carpenter (1-for-3 with a HR and three RBI). James Loney has reincarnated!

Paul DeJong (3-for-5 with a HR and two RBI). All DeJong does is hit dongs!

Drew Pomeranz went 3 1/3 innings, allowed four hits, walked one, and struck out four without allowing an earned run. He left the game early due to a back issue. Cancel that subscription!

Jordan Montgomery went five innings, allowed four hits (two home runs), three earned runs, walked two, and struck out three. Montgomery has gone seven innings only twice this year and has struck out five or fewer batters in 14 starts.

Aroldis Chapman allowed two hits, two earned runs, walked one, and struck out one in an inning of work. He’s allowed seven earned runs in his last 4 1/3 innings. Teams are hitting him like….I better stop there.

Todd Frazier (2-for-3 with a HR and two RBI). Since becoming a Yankee, the Toddfather is batting .207 with four home runs. He will run into one every now and then, about as often as I see a yellow cab in Los Angeles.

Gary Sanchez (1-for-5 with a HR). Live look at Gary.

Rafael Devers (2-for-4 with a HR, two RBI, and a stolen base). Live look at Ralph.

Christian Vazquez (3-for-3 with a HR). He plays catcher.

J.T. Realmuto (1-for-4 with a HR and two RBI). He is also a catcher.

Ahmed Rosario (2-for-4 with a stolen base). You know how every time a Met hits a home run and the Apple rises? Every time a Met steals a base, they should flash this on the scoreboard….

Nelson Cruz had himself a day: 3-for-5 with a HR and two doubles. He’s at 30 home runs for the year. Damn, I just realized that he has a chance to hit 40 home runs for the fourth straight season. That’s some good ass s…..I should probably stop there.

Sal Romano went seven innings, allowed five hits (one home run), one earned run, walked two, and struck out three for the victory over the Braves. He has good stuff and throws mid-90’s, but he’s very young and walks too many batters.

R.A. Dickey went six innings, allowed eight hits (three home runs), four earned runs, walked one, and struck out nine. Still can’t believe this guy won a Cy Young. Adam Duvall (1-for-5), Eugenio Suarez (1-for-2), and Jesse Winker (2-for-4) were the ones to hit the home runs.

Matt Adams went 1-for-3 with a HR. Hey Hey Hey.

James Shields went 5 1/3 innings, allowed five hits (one home run), two earned runs, walked three, and struck out six. Andrew Cashner went 5 2/3 innings, allowed six hits (one home run), two earned runs, walked four, and struck out two. Shields has the third-worst HR/9, so of course he pitches well in Texas. Cashner’s K/9 is 4.66 while the BB/9 is 3.47. L.O.L. I give him credit, though, as the HR/9 is 14th-best in all of baseball.

Nicky Delmonico went 2-for-3 with two home runs. Batted clean up. I was told that there was a heckler yelling, “You hit like a girl Nicky!” Scoreboard.

Mike Napoli (1-for-3 with a HR). Napoli has 24 home runs and a .195 average. Napoli is the guy at your poker game that just shoves it all in every hand.

Zach Godley went 5 1/3 innings, allowed nine hits (two home runs), four earned runs, walked two, and struck out 10. He’s human after all.

Ervin Santana went six innings, allowed seven hits (one home run), three earned runs, walked three, and struck out six. Sometimes the regression fairies hit like Mike Tyson. Other times, they nibble like a rabbit with a carrot.

David Peralta (3-for-4 with a HR). This David prefers a bat.

The Twins hit six home runs, two off each pitcher. Makes sense. Max Kepler (2-for-5) hit one, Brian Dozier (1-for-4) hit one, Eduardo Escobar (1-for-4) hit one, Byron Buxton (3-for-4) hits one, and Miguel Sano (3-for4) hit two. I’m keeping my eye on Buxton. I kind of gave up on him earlier, but since July 1st, he’s batting .341/.402/.476 with three home runs and eight stolen bases. The walk rate is 9.5% and strikeout rate is 23.2%. He’s still only 23 years old.

Max Scherzer was scratched due to a neck injury and placed on the 10-day disabled list. Me thinks this was more a case of San Diego sucks-itis. Case in point, Matt Grace filled in for Scherzer and went 4 1/3 innings, allowed two hits, walked one, and struck out one. Matt Grace did that.

Dusty Coleman (1-for-3 with a HR). Who? Exactly. All you need to know is that he’s a 30-year-old shortstop that has a 46% strikeout rate in 50 plate appearances. Why are the Padres playing a 30-year-old guy anyways?

Howie Kendrick (2-for-5 with a HR, two RBI, and a stolen base. Howie’s been straight balling. Six home runs and nine stolen bases. .344 average fueled by a .417 BABIP, though. Timbeeeerrrrrr…..

Matt Moore went 7 1/3 innings, allowed two hits, two earned runs, walked four, and struck out four. It was the Phillies.

Hunter Pence (2-for-4 with a HR and a double). I get fidgety whenever I watch Pence play. Good thing I never watch him play.

Brandon Crawford (2-for-3 with a HR). Remember what I said earlier about running into one from time to time? Well, Crawford runs into one as frequently as you see someone actually walking on the street in Los Angeles.

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4 years ago

I have Valenica on my bench with OF eligibility but need to make room for Dominic Smith. I have Mahtook in my OF (along with 4 studs named Trout, McCutcheon, Braun and Duvall) and am thinking about dropping Mahtook even though he’s not doing too shabby.

Keep Mahtook in the OF and Smith on the bench?

(only spot active would be at U and I have Odor with no room at 2B (Dozier) or MI (Bogaerts) with Segura at SS)

or drop someone for one of the available OFs

Available OFs: Kepler, Span, DeShields, Buxton, Pence, A.Frazier, L.Garcia, Marisnick, Delmonico, Goodwin, J.Martinez, and Ervin.

Reply to  Son
4 years ago

@Son: Thanks. I only have one bench spot and Smith will be $5 next year in our keeper auction. I think he’ll be worth that, don’t you?

Reply to  Son
4 years ago

@Son: OK thanks. Delmonico or Michael Taylor?

Questions I Know The Answers To But Have Issues
Questions I Know The Answers To But Have Issues
4 years ago

You may want to check Melky’s RBI total versus Springer, Bryant, Seager, Seager. You get my point

Grey Matter
Grey Matter
Reply to  Son
4 years ago


So true! I am a defender of Melky and Marwin as they have been great wire pickups for our league’s format. Sexy be damned!!

Of course I dropped Quintana after his early season woes and rumored injury. Instead I had Wacha and Gausman throwing for me today. So I am still an idiot.

Grey Matter
Grey Matter
Reply to  Son
4 years ago


So given that, H2H league playoffs start Sept 4th. Patiently holding Kershaw and Noah as my playoff spot is assured. Out of this list, which two do you trust not to implode, maybe give a quality start.

Cobb, Gausman, Castillo, Ryu, Lamet, Chacin, Happ.

Reply to  Grey Matter
4 years ago

@Grey Matter: I like Ryu and Lamet the best.

4 years ago

Whats your personal opinion on sitting your proverbial ‘studs” in favor of a lesser player who has what you deem better matchups, i.e. all home, games @ Coors, all RHP v LHH, etc? I know the old adage of “start your studs” but like the candy commercial says…..’your not you when your hungry (slumping)”.

4 years ago

Tied for wins, don’t have anyone starting tomorrow. How desperate of a move is it to start berrios? Winning ratios and Ks right now.

Who would you stream out of the following?

Odorizzi vs SEA
Miranda @ TB
Blach @ PHI
Perez vs CWS

Reply to  Son
4 years ago

@Son: ahh good catch. thanks hombre

Reply to  Son
4 years ago

@Son: That was my predicament, too. I started Blach over Berrios.


Berrios has a 7K shutout and Blach gave up a 3-Run HR to Hoskins and a sac fly. Ugh.