Please see our player page for Jordan Zimmermann to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

Since the Jays were calling up Vladimir Guerrero Jr. today, the Nationals and Angels thought it was a good idea to drop their own sizzle in low-key fashion like wearing an Elmo doll at the Met Gala.  If Carter Kieboom is Barbara Hershey to Vladimir Guerrero Jr.’s Bette Midler, then who is Luis Rengifo?  That jerk husband of Barbara Hershey’s who held her back all of those years?  Bette’s giant Marmaduke?  Is it embarrassing that I know Beaches by heart?  Not at all!  According to Prospect Mike, Carter Kieboom’s outlook is, “Kieboom is a plus-hit/plus-power shortstop who split time between High-A and Double-A in 2018. His numbers dipped in the more advanced league, but he still hit .260 with five homers.  15-20 homers is a realistic power ceiling and he won’t sell out for it, meaning a decent average as well.  I’ve also become a decent dart-thrower practicing on a picture of Grey.”  What the eff, my dude?  Carter doesn’t have great speed, which is a bit of a bummer since that always translates, but he could hit for power and average as a middle infidel.  Hopefully, this means the end of days for Brian Dozier.  Remember, this is the team that promoted and played Juan Soto last year.  Mean’s while, the Angels called up Luis Rengifo.  Doesn’t his last name look like an acronym of an obscenity on social media?  “You really think Killary would’ve been better?  RENGIFO, grandma!”  The biggest question for me with Rengifo is Brad Assmunch.  Does he even know what he has?  I highly doubt it.  Watch him play La Stella over Rengifo.  Here’s what Prospect Mike said, “Rengifo can hit from both sides and he can basically play anywhere on the field. There’s also just enough power to make him really interesting if he sticks in the middle infield. He’ll probably get written off as a super-utility player, but he has a disciplined approach (75 walks, 75 strikeouts across three levels). Oh, and he swiped 41 bags this year to go along with seven homers and a .299 batting average. I know you’re not supposed to scout stat lines…but damn, that’s almost as sexy as the thought of Grey being run over by a car.”  C’mon!  Rengifo and Kieboom’s projections are both at the Prospectonator.  They’re, hmm, how do I put this?  Interesting.  Surprised to see Rengifo ranked above Kieboom for projections.  Think I’d go the other way with them, but they are slightly different, based on needs.  I do know I needs me some upside and added them in multiple leagues.  ALL ABOARD THE UPSIDE TRAIN!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Opens an envelope, and, inside, is an invitation.  “Wow, what gorgeous calligraphy.  Someone took their calligraphy class at 8 PM every Wednesday for six weeks at a local college very seriously.  Patrick Bateman would be jealous of that raised font.”  Reading, “Please join us, the Tampa Bay Rays, for the Star Mitzvah of Austin Meadows.  On Tuesday, the ninth of April, two thousand and nineteen at twenty-four minutes after two o’clock in the afternoon at Temple Fantasy Tova Those Other Outfielders.  A reception to follow at one of the 37 local Hooter’s restaurants in the Tampa area.  Rather than gifts, please bring Cash.  Our manager, he gets lost.”  How sweet is that.  I wonder if I was invited because I wrote an Austin Meadows sleeper this preseason.  Prolly.  Sound the shofar, Meadows is finally breaking out!  *remains super calm, then screams*  I TOLD YOU!  Yesterday, Austin Meadows went 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2), hitting .308.  Hopefully, this is the start of the big things I imagine for him, and, finally, he becomes a man.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Thank goodness that first week of 2 start pitchers is over and done. Early season rain outs, 5th starters being skipped, 6th starters and openers being utilized, all played into the scheduling. It is important to remember early in the season that these 2 start guys may or may not make both starts due to any of these factors. However, the advantage of getting the extra start for the innings, strikeouts, and hopefully ratios, is generally to much to ignore. Plus, if they fail to be 2 start guys this week then you get them as 2 start guys the following week more than likely.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Trea Turner broke his finger when he squared around to bunt.  He hit two homers in his last game, including a walk-off homer, so of course he’s bunting.  I mean, OF COURSE.  Why wouldn’t he be bunting?  You gonna let (fill-in name) just be the best bunter in Major League history?  (Fill-in name of a bunter that no one’s ever heard of because no one cares about bunting) is not gonna go down in history as the greatest bunter without a freakin’ fight from Trea Turner?  Is he?  I mean, IS HE?!  What in the holy eff bombs!?  Don’t bunt!  Turner will likely be out for a month and everything that is wonderful can’t be mine.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hello, Genie, I have three wishes for this baseball season?  My first wish is “No one I own get hurt.”  I didn’t buy Kevin Kiermaier, Steven Souza or Troy Tulowitzki, so I made your job easy for you, great, powerful Genie.  My 2nd wish is “Everyone I own do well.”  I drafted Trea Turner, Luke Voit, Enrique Hernandez, so, really, I’m doing much of the heavy lifting for this wish too.  My 3rd and final wish is “All 3rd base coaches send runners home by doing The OA interpretative dance.”  Thanking you in advance, Genie.  Wait a second, you’re not a genie, you’re Bartolo Colon in Blue Man Group paint.  Damn you!  So, we’re off and running for another great season, just like the Dodgers’ offense.  Enrique Hernandez (2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit two home runs.  Ya know what, maybe Kiké does love me.  Next up, Joc Pederson (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit two homers, as he hit leadoff.  A double dong day from Wong and Joc?  Baseball, do you stuff your pants?  Also, Max Muncy (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his first homer, saying, “Hey, don’t forget Grey wrote a sleeper post about me?”  Then Cody Bellinger (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 1st homer; he’s not Cody Malinger!  Actually, I’m convinced Dave Roberts could field any lineup and they would score more runs than their opponent for at least 90+ games, especially when they’re going up against some of these teams.  Wilmer Flores (1-for-4, 1 run) was the three hole hitter on the Diamondbacks.  I love Wilmer and his ubiquitous tears like he’s reading The Notebook, but there’s a bunch of MLB lineups out there that just are not good.  Also, in this game, Corey Seager (1-for-3) hit his 1st homer and Austin Barnes (3-for-4, 2 runs) hit his first homer, because BASEBALL’S BACK!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*spraypaints Foltynewicz incorrectly on the bumper of my car*  “Okay, Cougs, now back this car up over my head.  Why are you arguing with me?  I see the way you look at me when I burp in public, just back the damn car up over my head!  I’m looking for a visual metaphor here!”  So, how was your Monday?  Mine was just terrific!  Not as terrific as Ryan Borucki, apizzarently.  On my tombstone it’s going to read, “He died from a miserable September in his fantasy leagues, of course.  Dur.”  I mean, Jesus Aguilar Christmas Effin’ Christ, what in the holy name!  Okay, okay, OKAY!  Back to Borucki.  Yesterday, he went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86, which is a helluva lot better than Faultywhichwhich!  Borucki’s K-rate (6.1), his walk rate (2.8) and his 4.57 xFIP leave piles and piles to be desired.  However (throw out everything Grey just said!), the Stream-o-Nator does like his next start a teensiest bit, and I could see streaming him.  “Now back up the car!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Daniel Murphy traded to the Cubs, after being claimed on waivers.  I’m going to try to wrap my noodle around this one.  My above-the-line noodle.  That’s above-the-line as in waist, not above-the-line as it’s meant in Hollywood.  An above-the-line noodle in Hollywood parlance would mean below-the-line as in waist.  Okay, off track!  *steps in cardboard box designed to look like a car, yells at homeless man ‘driving’ the cardboard box*  Let’s get back on track or I’m going to give you a bad Uber rating!  For Daniel Murphy to get claimed by the Cubs, it means every NL team passed on him.  I realize he can’t pitch, but really, Brewers?  You got screwed on the Archer move, but you can’t use hitting, Pirates?  You didn’t want another reason to prospblock Jo-Ma, Cardinals?  Yo, Phillies, your team batting average is .236; hey, Colorado, you passed on a veteran?  Are you feeling okay?  So, Murphy joins the Cubs, where he should bat third and play 2nd base.  That knocks Javier Baez to 3rd; Ian Happ to a platoon in center with Al-Al, Maddon’s Bae Zobrist becomes a utility man, David Bote dons a GOAT costume once a week as a pinch-hitter, but not a goat costume as in the animal, Kris Bryant learns how to play 1st, Rizzo catches, Schwarber pitches and–so the Cubs are obviously stacked.  This should help Murphy’s fantasy value.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to say our Fantasy Football Subscriptions are now live.  Last year, Rudy placed top 5 out of something, like, 15,500 ‘perts who do fantasy football projections.  Maybe it’s closer to 200 ‘perts, but you get the picture.  Plus, it helps the site.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, the Mets exploded for 16 runs.  Leading the way was Todd Frazier going 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with a slam (12) and legs (7).  Actually, Frazier, Jose Bautista (1-for-3, 1 RBI), Jose Reyes (2-for-5, 2 runs) and Austin Jackson (2-for-4, 2 runs) are all starting to click!  Wait, that’s their bones and it’s from arthritis.  Shoot, my b.  The true star, however, Brandon Nimmo (5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) rose from the depths of the deep, dark water.  That’s not a Finding Nemo allusion. He plays in Flushing and we know what water is associated with that.  Nimms — Can we call him that?  Sure, right? — is hitting near .350 in the last week, and homered a few games ago (precise!).  For most part, it’s been dank Nimms but he’s no longer unDeRWaTEr aND HitTinG WeLL.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Zach Britton was traded to the Yankees.  The Yankees acquired Britton to throw out all Boston players’ tea.  Now the Yankees just need to acquire Ben Revere to ride into Boston and tell everyone in Fenway what’s up.  “Excuse me, Jimmy McMalley, should we Google when the Yankees are coming to town next?”  “I don’t think that’s necessary, Shane O’Irishharvard, the Yankees have a lovely black gentleman riding into town named Revere with a Britton”  “Splendid, Jimmy, splendid.”  And that’s how Massholes discuss current events.  Britton now moves about three innings from the ninth.  Is he gonna pitch the 6th?  Not sure, to be honest, but he’s not closing, so in most leagues you can drop him.  As for Baltimore’s new closer?  Like neon scrunchies, what’s old is new again, and Brad Brach should regain the closer job.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Was thinking about this the other day.  Bear with me, it’s not fully formed (like the rest of this shizz).  Is there a higher upside move than becoming a magician?  David Blaine scored, Penn & Teller seemed to have done all right for themselves, Siegfried & Roy did fine until that white cat went ape…But how about all of the 18-year-old’s who are like, “Mom, Dad, I’m declining the full ride to Brown.  I want to do this…” *pulls sheet off table to reveal their daughter sawed in half*  “Oh, crap.  Marci?”  The world is littered with failed magicians!  You want upside?  There’s no greater upside call than deciding you want to be a magician for the rest of your life.  The Indians team?  They’re all freakin’ magicians!  Hey, Jose Ramirez (2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer), you’re David Blaine!  Francisco Lindor (1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer)?  You’re David Blaine!   Michael Brantley (2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs)?  You’re David Blaine!  You’re all David Blaine!  We even have some David Blaine magic for Jason Kipnis (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games).  If you went Francisco Lindor and Jose Ramirez with your 1st two picks, you’re also a magician, according to the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater.  (The other way to look at this theory is only a handful of knuckleheads are actually stupid enough to want to be a magician, and the world is not littered with failed magicians and no one is turning down a free ride to an Ivy League school to become a magician, but we don’t talk about this part of the Upside Magician Theory.)  Thank you, Jose Ramirez and Francisco Lindor and all the Indians, I believe your magic is real.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?