Daniel Murphy traded to the Cubs, after being claimed on waivers.  I’m going to try to wrap my noodle around this one.  My above-the-line noodle.  That’s above-the-line as in waist, not above-the-line as it’s meant in Hollywood.  An above-the-line noodle in Hollywood parlance would mean below-the-line as in waist.  Okay, off track!  *steps in cardboard box designed to look like a car, yells at homeless man ‘driving’ the cardboard box*  Let’s get back on track or I’m going to give you a bad Uber rating!  For Daniel Murphy to get claimed by the Cubs, it means every NL team passed on him.  I realize he can’t pitch, but really, Brewers?  You got screwed on the Archer move, but you can’t use hitting, Pirates?  You didn’t want another reason to prospblock Jo-Ma, Cardinals?  Yo, Phillies, your team batting average is .236; hey, Colorado, you passed on a veteran?  Are you feeling okay?  So, Murphy joins the Cubs, where he should bat third and play 2nd base.  That knocks Javier Baez to 3rd; Ian Happ to a platoon in center with Al-Al, Maddon’s Bae Zobrist becomes a utility man, David Bote dons a GOAT costume once a week as a pinch-hitter, but not a goat costume as in the animal, Kris Bryant learns how to play 1st, Rizzo catches, Schwarber pitches and–so the Cubs are obviously stacked.  This should help Murphy’s fantasy value.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to say our Fantasy Football Subscriptions are now live.  Last year, Rudy placed top 5 out of something, like, 15,500 ‘perts who do fantasy football projections.  Maybe it’s closer to 200 ‘perts, but you get the picture.  Plus, it helps the site.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Yu Darvish – Done for the year.  Darvish said no one is more disappointed than him.  Okay, maybe, but just hear me out.  Would someone who drafted Yu Darvish as their number one starter be more or less disappointed than someone who is being paid $126 million over six years?

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3 and his 19th homer.  HR to the Rizzo!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.18.  This start came against the Cubs.  On second thought, maybe they do need Murphy.

Starling Marte – Missed Monday’s game due to a lack of effort on Sunday.  He missed Tuesday’s game supposedly because he had a doctor’s appointment.  Ah, yes, one of those 7 PM local time doctor’s appointments.  C**nt and Marte are in a serious lovers’ quarrel.  Don’t be surprised if Marte has to sleep on Polanco’s couch while staying up late and talking through it all with Bonnie Hunt.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer.  *balloons fall from the rafters*  We have a winner!  Polanco became the first Pirate to break the 20-homer plateau!  Show him what he wins!  A brand new book titled…Nick Ahmed Has Almost As Many Homers As You, It’s Nothing To Be Proud Of.

A.J. Minter – Didn’t come into Monday’s save situation because of his sore back.  I wonder if that’s his excuse for his Saturday blown save too.  Minter should’ve stuck with the tried and true, the dog ate my save opportunity.

Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.00 on the Braves, and 3.99 overall.  Gausman looks at his schedule, “I get the Marlins, Pirates again, Diamondbacks and Giants in my next four outings?  Life in the NL is goooooooseman.  Huh?  No?  Okay.”

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .245.  Remember how sad 12 homers at the end of August sounds, so when you get to next March you’re not like, “I’m gonna draft Dansby, he does everything!”

Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and third time I’ve mentioned him in the last three games to say he’s hot.  So, you do you, I’ll do me, and let’s try not to go blind.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .255.  This Smoak, that ball went up in Justin!  Damn, I spoonered my pun.

Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer.  I’m so low-key interested in Aledmys for 2019 that I’m getting high-key.  Call me Grey Soprano.

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, as he continues to play every day and hit leadoff.  Laura just gave you her Cedric Mullins fantasy and I concur.  Betcha didn’t know I could cur.

Sam Gaviglio – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.94.  The Stream-o-Nator liked this start, and doesn’t mind his next one against the same apathetic O’s.

Jose Altuve – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If they say yawns are contagious, then why can’t I call out of work sick with The Yawns?”

Roberto Osuna – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.95.  Before yesterday’s game, the Astros announced Osuna will be the closer going forward.  Astros manager, A.J. Hinch added, “With Osuna’s history, it was misguided to think we should use him for holds.”  Then, last night, Osuna threw in the 8th inning and Hector Rondon (1 IP, 0 ER) got the save.  Guess the Astros just wanna keep Osuna’s name in the news.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-2 and his 13th homer.  Reddick feels–Let me rephrase that.  Reddick seems like a power bat, but he only had 13 homers last year.

Justin Upton – Hit the DL with an index finger laceration.  Fun fact!  Laceration is the number one turn-on word by serial killers.  I might be watching too many Netflix docs.

David Peralta – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer.  He’s not a big guy, but he is HITTING LIKE BIG COUNTRY!  Actually, I’m gonna start calling him Small Country.  Scratch that, his new name is Liechtenstein.

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47.  The A’s are going so well right now, if they traded for Homer Bailey, I’d start him.  Shoot, they could trade for Homer Simpson and he’d get a 2-hit, shutout with the only hits being from Big Head Ken Griffey.

Buster Posey – Reported that he will play today, but could shortly be headed for season-ending surgery.  Gangsta Grey, “I’ve never Buster’d Posey in any fantasy, but still a pimp.”

Michael Conforto – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .237.  His 1st half .217 average is dragging down his overall, and is hitting near-.290 in the 2nd half.  Whenever I get excited about a Mets hitter, they end up making me sound like I’m starting a new genre of film called grumblecore.  However, I’m feeling my excitement rising on Conforto for next year.

Jeff McNeil – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .326.  Quick get him out of the lineup for the .199-hitting Jose Reyes!

Travis Shaw – 1-for-5 and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  It is absolutely cracking me up how the Brewers went out and got Schoop, who is not even playing (though he hit a pinch-hit homer), Moistasskiss (0-for-5), who is doing nothing, and Shaw is the one hitting.

Nathan Eovaldi – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.81 vs. Shane Bieber – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.36.  This matchup of Indians/Sawx pitchers was billed as, “In October, these guys will face each other again and Joe Buck will say some variation of, ‘They just didn’t have their best stuff.'”

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 95th homer in the last week.  Just leave your password in the comments and I’ll pick up Melky for you.  If your password is Greyisahairlippedfool, then we’re no longer friends.

Yan Gomes – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Yan can hit!  And so can you!  (No, you can’t.)

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.07.  Not because I don’t think he deserves the Cy Young, but I think the only thing Blake Snell is going to get awarded this offseason is, Most Tweets Complaining This Pitcher Didn’t Receive More Votes.  I bet a few Fangraphs writers already have their Snell Cy Young snub tweets in their saved drafts.

Tommy Pham – Diagnosed with a ring finger dislocation.  I wish I forgot where I put my ring finger the day of my wedding.  Any hoo!  Pham sounds like he could be headed to another DL stint.

Willy Adames – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer.  Am I the only one that can’t hear his name without thinking of Battlestar Galactica?  Yes?  No?  Aight, good talk.  As for Captain Willy Adames, he was hitting .167 in the last week, so need to see more.

Michael Kopech – 2 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, and pulled due to a rain delay.  If you watched this start, you’ll understand what I mean by saying Kopech loves to fan hitters, but could use a fan himself.  “Michael Kopech sure sweats a lot.” That’s Patrick Ewing.  As for Kopech, as advertised.  Doode’s got giddy up on top of his up jump the boogie.  Loved what I saw, but he’s also wild, way outside the zone at times.  A patient club could hurt him.  This is, of course, for near future.  In the big picture, he could be Syndergaard.

Jose Abreu – Out for a few weeks after undergoing surgery on his groin.  That seemed to come out of nowhere.  Wait, I know!  He had elective groin surgery, didn’t he?  If he comes back five cup sizes bigger…

Nicky Delmonico – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and third homer in the last five games.  True story, I tried to pick up Delmonico, and it took me about 12 minutes.  Why can’t Yahoo make it so you can move a player off your DL and drop someone else in one move?  Is this really high technology?  Elon Musk is hosting a rave on Mars, I think we can do this.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  “When we get over the Pacific, just pull the cord and the body will dump–Hold on!  Hosmer just moved!”  For a second, I thought Norman Lear outlived Hosmer.  Good to see him still breathing.

Austin Hedges – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer.  Austin hit that ball in the…wait for it, snitches!….Hedges!

Matt Adams – Claimed him off waivers by the Cards with Dexter Fowler moved to the 60-day DL.  I’ve mentioned this on the podcast previously, but Cougs’ family is friends with the owners of the Nats.  Would love to get on the horn with them for a podcast segment called, “Did you screw up this team or did Madonna try to screw you for your sperm?”  You can only choose one or the other like FMK, but with only FK.  Adams should move into a platoon with Gyorko at 1st base, and might platoon with Jo-Ma on occasion.  Anything to get Jo-Ma out of the lineup, right, Shildt-head?

Manny Machado – 3-for-5 and his 29th homer.  The highlights say 29th homer, everyone reports it as his 29th homer, but the box score says 5th homer.  This drives me nuts!

Roman Quinn – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer.  Been getting time in a platoon with Nick Williams.  Should Williams just play?  Yeah, prolly, but here’s what I’ve learned about Kapler.  He likes to make everything more complicated than it needs to be.

Kelvin Herrera – 1 IP, 0 ER as he was activated from the DL.  No idea what happened to Sean Doolittle — he at the Doolittle Convention of Do-little’ing? — but I’d guess Herrera will take over as the closer again if he can stay healthy.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in the last three games and fourth homer in the last nine games.  You say cherrypicker, I say cherrypacker — picker, packer, packer, picker, let’s call the whole thing off.

Austin Dean – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  You know what might not be the best thing for the Marlins fanbase?  That no one has any idea who their players are.  Kinda makes it hard to root.  Dean’s minor league profile appears to be that of a slap hitter (hit .326 in Triple-A and doesn’t strike out much), but not a ton of speed or power.

Aroldis Chapman – Entered the game in the 12th, threw six pitches, looked gimpy, then limpy’ed off the field.  He’s headed for an MRI on his left knee.  Besides the ones Aroldis carries, the Yankees have a bunch of handcuffs, but David Robertson has the most saves thus far after Aroldis, but he’s battling a sore shoulder, so Dellin Betances or even Zach Britton might be next up.

Gary Sanchez – Ready for rehab games.  Whatever gets him on the field so I can stop seeing updates like, “Sanchez (groin) ready.”

Didi Gregorius – Hit the DL with a heel contusion.  With his hand on Didi’s forehead, the Yanks trainer screamed what his assistant was whispering to him in his earpiece, but there’s no such thing as a faith heel’er.

CC Sabathia – Will return on Friday vs. the Orioles.  Hopefully, he knows what he’s signed himself up for because at the press conference it sounded like CC said, “I need to return for the Oreos.”