Hello, Genie, I have three wishes for this baseball season? My first wish is “No one I own get hurt.” I didn’t buy Kevin Kiermaier, Steven Souza or Troy Tulowitzki, so I made your job easy for you, great, powerful Genie. My 2nd wish is “Everyone I own do well.” I drafted Trea Turner, Luke Voit, Enrique Hernandez, so, really, I’m doing much of the heavy lifting for this wish too. My 3rd and final wish is “All 3rd base coaches send runners home by doing The OA interpretative dance.” Thanking you in advance, Genie. Wait a second, you’re not a genie, you’re Bartolo Colon in Blue Man Group paint. Damn you! So, we’re off and running for another great season, just like the Dodgers’ offense. Enrique Hernandez (2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit two home runs. Ya know what, maybe Kiké does love me. Next up, Joc Pederson (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit two homers, as he hit leadoff. A double dong day from Wong and Joc? Baseball, do you stuff your pants? Also, Max Muncy (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his first homer, saying, “Hey, don’t forget Grey wrote a sleeper post about me?” Then Cody Bellinger (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 1st homer; he’s not Cody Malinger! Actually, I’m convinced Dave Roberts could field any lineup and they would score more runs than their opponent for at least 90+ games, especially when they’re going up against some of these teams. Wilmer Flores (1-for-4, 1 run) was the three hole hitter on the Diamondbacks. I love Wilmer and his ubiquitous tears like he’s reading The Notebook, but there’s a bunch of MLB lineups out there that just are not good. Also, in this game, Corey Seager (1-for-3) hit his 1st homer and Austin Barnes (3-for-4, 2 runs) hit his first homer, because BASEBALL’S BACK! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Zack Greinke – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER. How long do I have to wait until I tell you, “I told you so?”
Adam Jones – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Do we have a Zombino sighting? Hide your brain custard! He’s hungry! Wait, also in their outfield is Christian Walker (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer)…The White Walker!
Greg Bird – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer as he started at 1st base. Mean’s while, Luke Voit (1-for-1, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run) started at DH and hit cleanup. Once Jacoby Ellsbury returns this will change. KIDDING! What, you can’t pick up on jokes? Though, once Aaron Hicks returns this could change. As of right now, I’d own Bird and Voit and, like an unlabeled salt and pepper shaker, just wait to see what shakes out.
Andrew Cashner – 4 IP, 6 ER. Your Opening Day starter is Andrew Cashner = Investing in Theranos.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 as he made the team and hit 2nd. Something is not right with me. I’m excited about Mets hitters. Could someone check my temperature rectally? I’d appreciate it. There will be more on Alonso in this afternoon’s Buy column. That’s right, snitches! There’s a Buy column today. It’s baaaaaaaaaack.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for me to start so many Mets and Nats hitters in this matchup. Point made.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. The Mets are hazing Cano by forgetting to tell him that they don’t score for deGrom.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4 and 3 steals. Can’t believe no one else was drafting this Nats guy, Trey Turner. Was able to get him at pick 450.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Sell! Okay, kidding. Only because who is buying this schmohawk?
Hunter Pence – 1-for-4, 1 run as he hit 5th. Can’t him and Tulo get lost on the Lost island or something?
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit behind Pence. The Rangers’ lineup looks like it was picked out of a hat. A giant freakin’ clown hat!
Javier Baez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers. Good thing everyone told you to avoid Baez this year because he swings a lot. Did anyone ever answer the question, what if this is who Baez is? Ya know, a 35/15/.265 hitter who happens to swing a lot. Did people lambast Vladimir Guerrero Sr. when he swung at everything? Some guys just swing. This drove me nuts all preseason when people refused to draft Baez because he swung a lot. Yeah, he swung a lot last year too when he put up a top 10 fantasy season. Terrible narrative when someone says someone swings a lot. Heard it with Mondesi too. Some guys swing a lot, it doesn’t mean they’re bad for fantasy. Sure, OBP leagues are different, but that’s why there was OBP rankings! Ugh, one game in and I’m already annoyed.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I bet on him bouncing back in a few leagues and so far he is poking his head out of the vagina of baseball and about to be reborn!
Kolten Wong – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd home run. Sonavabench! Why is he on my bench? Hayzeus Christmas, what the hell am I doing? That was the best Wong double dong since Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream! Wong might be the first hot schmotato alert, but it’s also worth noting he was replaced by Jose Martinez, who almost homered, even after the Wong double dong.
Harrison Bader – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Not gonna tell you I wrote a Harrison Bader sleeper post this offseason, but I will tell you that while not telling you it.
Miles Mikolas – 5 IP, 5 ER and was pitchslapped by Jhoulys Chacin (5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks). You seeing a person who owns Mikolas, “Damn, I just saw you yesterday and now you look like you have so many miles on your face.” Sadly, “Yeah.”
Josh Hader – 2 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks. Please don’t let Kimbrel sign in Brewtown. I might’ve stepped into a giant pile of shizz by accidentally drafting the best closer in baseball while thinking I was getting a middle reliever.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Moistasskiss!
Christian Yelich – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Recovering well from his short-lived engagement to Ariana Grande.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Hey, what do you know, Tildaddy can run from any spot in the lineup. Weird, must be a new rule.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. If McCutchen gets 550 ABs in that Phils’ lineup, it’s gonna be hard for him not to exceed his draft day price. Why this wasn’t clearer to me in the preseason, I’m not sure. I think I was wearing my ageist goggles.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Okay, can I go back two weeks and draft every Phillies hitter? What’s the best Travelocity rate on Jose Canseco’s time machine?
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with a grand slam. He made the Braves pay for intentionally walking Bryce Harper. This could be a familiar refrain like, “Who let the dogs out?”
Jose Peraza – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, because he’s a 6-hole hitter now and that’s what 6-hole hitters do, apizzarently. I give the Reds another week for Peraza to be hitting leadoff or 2nd or I will bring on the lambasting. This is Lambastball dot com, after all!
Luis Castillo – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Did he give us all a head fake with his poor Spring Training?
Raisel Iglesias – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he entered the game in the 8th in a save opp because David Bell wants his Bell rung. I don’t know what David Bell is doing, and I’m not sure he does either. Amir Garrett relieved Raisel in the 9th and David Hernandez relieved him, closing it out, so *shrugs* Yeah, I have no idea. Hoping Bell just thought it was a good idea to try his closer for two innings in the 1st game of the season.
Carlos Correa – Sat out yesterday, and is day-to-day with neck soreness. Correa already in midseason form!
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 5 ER. I told you to draft him last year, not this year. *tiptoes out of room, tiptoes into room filled with angry Snell owners* Oh, hey, guys.
Austin Meadows – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Please don’t platoon him. Please.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. It was an upper decker…*points to bunk bed Altuve sleeps in* As for his homer, I have no idea where it went.
George Springer – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. So, are him and Bregman gonna alternate years being good? Because I’m not here for that.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. I won’t say he’s going to get injured any day now, but I am thinking it. I’m sorry, I’m flawed!
Frank Schwindel – 0-for-4 as he hit 5th and played 1st base. Try to guess which team Frank Schmohawk plays for. Too slow! Five ladies and gentlemen, your 2019 Kansas City Royals!
Brad Keller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. Damn, I bet even Keller didn’t see that coming.
Whit Merrifield – 1-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals. I’ll take the L if Merrifield is good again this year. I wouldn’t have bet on that.
Wily Peralta – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he started the 9th inning in a non-save shituation. Not sure if a Kazaam! though because I don’t know if he’s the closer. I’m not sure the Royals know either, which is concerning. I guessed Boxberger in multiple leagues, and he got the one-out save yesterday.
Chris Sale – 3 IP, 7 ER. Rational Mind: It’s a long season. Irrational Mind: Sale is the worst pitcher ever and he must be injured and what did I do with my 2nd round pick when Grey told me to draft a hitter.
Tim Beckham – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two more homers (2, 3). Yo, the universe called and it wants its Tuffy Rhodes back! I liked Beckham, especially at his price this draft season. Of course, he will cool a bit, but he does have 20+ homer power, and don’t think he’s going to suddenly lose his job. At least not until Seager returns in three months, at which time we likely will have moved on to someone else.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Well, yeah, the M’s were going against some scrub pitcher guy named Chris Sale.
Ryon Healy – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Hot schmotato alert! Seriously, why not? He’s swinging the bat well and I nearly wrote a sleeper post about him in December.
Domingo Santana – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. How about we just call him Domingod and be done with it?
Christin Stewart – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Will try not to draw big conclusions from small sample sizes — which is what she said derisively — but Stewart looks like he has 30-homer pop.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 4 Ks vs. Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. I could see a lot of random solid performances against the Jays and Tigers this year. Those lineups…*shudders* Check the Streamonator for favorable matchups.
Kendrys Morales – Traded to the A’s to play 1B (prolly platoon vs. righties with Canha seeing lefties) while Olson sobs at the sight of every wishbone. That means in Toronto the DH opens up for the time being. …and the Teoscar goes to DH–Wait, it’s Moonlight! Well, it might be Rowdy Tellez. Billy McKinney should see an uptick in eh-bees too. I grabbed Teoscar in one league — You love me! You really, really love me! — but it’s a deep league. None of these guys will be in the Buy column later today, but Teoscar, McKinney and Rowdy are most interesting.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. First, Wong goes deep twice, then Semien hits a long fly, but I’m a Tatis man. Is baseball flirting with me? Oh, baseball, you old chestnut.
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Fiers gave those Angels hell. (I can never remember if it’s Mike Fires or Fears, so I will use both pronunciations always. #neverremember)
Brian Goodwin – Claimed off waivers by the Angels. At least now when the Angels lose one hundred games they can still always have a Goodwin. C’mon, high five me for that! No? You’re prolly right; it was terrible.
David Fletcher – Did not start vs. a righty. The Ghost of The Sciosciapath is here to haunt me, as I scream, “La Stelllllllllllllllllllla!”
Shohei Ohtani – Took batting practice, and is about three to four weeks away, barring any setbacks. “Barring any setbacks” is oil to “Angels pitchers” water. Thankfully (I think), Ohtani just needs to swing a bat.
Jose Urena – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. The shine on the Marlins starters sure wore off quick! I watched Lewis Brinson misplay two balls in the outfield in the matter of three minutes and I wanted to drop every Marlins starter I own. They just look lifeless.
Jorge Alfaro – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. 19 more for a top 5 catcher year!
Kyle Freeland – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Marlins. Turning our attention back to the negative that is the Marlins ball club. It looked like the Marlins hitters packed their spirits in their luggage, tagged it MIA, and that’s where it went, and I don’t mean Miami.
Francisco Lindor – Suffered an acute ankle sprain in a rundown while being a little too darn cute if you ask me, which I say while wagging my finger on The Montel Williams Show. This sucks major donkey dongs, because, if you drafted him already, well, you’re already pot-committed. You can’t trade him for fifty cents on the dollar, nor should you. If you’d like I will institute my first prayer hexagon of the season. I’ll even spell it szn to try to awkwardly appeal to hipsters.
Taylor Rogers – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and the save. Do I get a half a save for Trevor May because I looked at the TV real quick and thought Taylor was Trevor? No? Shucksleberry Finn! So, I grabbed Rogers in one league, because I am a save vulture and I swoop for SAGNOF carcasses.
Jose Berrios – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks. Everyone still think the Indians are gonna be okay with Tyler Naquin as their three-hole hitter?
Socrates Brito – Released by the Diamondbacks, claimed by the Padres. Team that needs outfielder releases outfielder to team that has fifteen outfielders.
Franmil Reyes – 0-for-3 as he hit cleanup. If Franmil somehow wins this right field job, well, as Scooby Doo would say, “Ruh-roh, Renfroe.”
Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. The Streamonator is borderline on his next start, but it’s against the Diamondbacks and I could see it.
Will Smith – Announced as closer for the Giants. There’s a hard C in closer, but none in Melancon.
Connor Joe – 0-for-1, as he started in left field and hit sixth. Connor Joe looks like he should have a comma as his middle initial.
