Trea Turner broke his finger when he squared around to bunt.  He hit two homers in his last game, including a walk-off homer, so of course he’s bunting.  I mean, OF COURSE.  Why wouldn’t he be bunting?  You gonna let (fill-in name) just be the best bunter in Major League history?  (Fill-in name of a bunter that no one’s ever heard of because no one cares about bunting) is not gonna go down in history as the greatest bunter without a freakin’ fight from Trea Turner?  Is he?  I mean, IS HE?!  What in the holy eff bombs!?  Don’t bunt!  Turner will likely be out for a month and everything that is wonderful can’t be mine.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Inner Monologue, “Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it” Rendong!  IM, “You said it.”

Bryce Harper – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Booing a guy after he leaves in free agency feels so culturally appropriate right now in history.  Like he owes us something.  He should’ve handed out 50,000 of his own Phillies jersey at the gates like a participation trophy.  Maybe if Nats fans booed Bryce last year he would’ve stayed. That’s why he went to Philly, right?

Maikel Franco – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  I don’t know if this is a hot schmotato alert or a breakout finally that has long been overdue, but I would absolutely be all over Maikel right now in every league.

Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  In the preseason, I believe I was one of the few ‘perts that liked Eflin.  Here’s what I wrote this preseason, “As for Eflin, okay, so this whole tier is guys I seriously considered writing sleeper posts on, but time got away from me, as it always does.  As the Steve Miller Band once said, “Time keeps on slippin’ slippin’.”  No wonder that guy got into music, his last name is Band.  Eflin’s velocity popped from 92 to 94 last year; he started throwing his slider a lot more, and it worked for him, and he stopped using his curve as much because it wasn’t working.  His K/9 went from garbage (under 5!) to 8.7 K/9 last year and he’s always had great command.  I really need to write a sleeper on this guy.”  And that’s me quoting me quoting the Steve Miller Band!

Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .353.  Can the Phils go 162-0 without having one save opportunity?  Well, I’m not saying they can’t.

Kevin Pillar – Traded to the Giants.  That’s right, Pillar was moved, but here’s my column.  Going the other way was Alen Hanson, Derek Law, and Juan de Paula.  Was hoping that last guy would be traded to the Marlins for the butter sandwich combo of Paula/Dean.  Kevin Pillar of the Toronto community makes his way to San Fran to push out Connor Joe.  Where did you come from, where did you go, where’d you come from, Connor Eyed Joe?  I don’t know, but go back to where that is.  By the way, coincidence or not that Pillar moved closer to Standing Rock?  Pillar’s value gets a small boost, but he’s more or less the same player wherever, which is a solid 5th OF in deep leagues.  In Toronto, Anthony Alford (0-for-3) was called up to take over some OF duties.  Haha, I SAID DUTIES!  Speaking of s’s and g’s, this always cracks me up:

As for Alford for fantasy, he has some legit swing-and-miss tendencies, think 35+ K%, which will produce a .230 or lower average.  He does have some pop (10+ HRs) and better speed (25-ish SBs).  In deeper leagues, he’s an automatic add.  Or as all true crime podcasts end, “I’ll take an Alford please.”  Jays also traded for Socrates Brito.  Yes, the Jays went from a Pillar to a pillar of wisdom.  Socrates has been So-So-crates in his career, but might be the most ready outfielder for the BJs, who still suck.

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Doesn’t his name look like it’s from a Graffiti Tag Name Generator?  Either way, he is a 20-homer hitter who doesn’t strikeout much, and not just ‘not much’ compared to every other player in the majors.  At worst, he should be on the strong side of the Jays’ DH platoon.

Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.40.  How bad are the BJs (still suck)?  They couldn’t hit Cashner!

Jonathan Loaisiga – Will spot start today vs. the toothless Tigers.  You know what’s good to eat when you’re toothless?  Lasagna!

Masahiro Tanaka – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first decent start by Tanaka before the All-Star Game, like, prolly, ever.  Damn, Elias Sports phoning it in.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA 0.66.  I’m gonna guess his xFIP is around 4.25 as it always is, so, no, he’s not suddenly an under-1 ERA pitcher.

Anthony Swarzak – 2/3 IP, and the save, which was a tight, two-men-on save opportunity, as he was activated from the IL.  The expectation is he will be the M’s closer.  Put nothing in one hand and expectations in the other hand and you’re walking around with two empty hands like you’re a SAGNOF pauper.

Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer.  Shares of Subway went down $5 on the news.  That’s Fogle’s back, guys.  Stop the bear market.

Marco Gonzales – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.26.  Pretty much top-end of what I would expect from Marco, when he’s not playing hide & seek in the pool.  Won’t be a big K guy, but solid ratio bet.

Trevor Cahill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.75.  I don’t mind Cahill, but he feels like the type of guy you can get away with using the Stream-o-Nator on all year, no matter how well he’s pitching.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Jose Urena – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 10.38.  His name translates to Joe Urine, but he’s really crap.

Brandon Nimmo – Left after being HBP’d on the hand.  That’s not HPV on the hand, though it doesn’t exclude it either, I guess.  Maybe now Mickey Callaway will overlook that Amed Rosario (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal) apparently slept with his wife, and will move him out of the bottom of the lineup.

Daniel Murphy – Out at least a month after being diagnosed with avulsion fracture.  If you own him, you’ll have revulsion for at least a month.

Ryan McMahon – Out of the lineup because the Rockies wanted to get Pat Valaika and Mark Reynolds into the lineup.  You think I’m joking.

Kyle Freeland – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 2.31.  Is German Marquez his pitching coach?

Blake Snell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.46.  Apizzarently, Snell is fine.  Can I get the same for Buehler?  Please, I’ve been a good boy, except for that one time I threw up over the balcony at a movie theater.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Who’s the dummy now for drafting Asdrubal 1st overall in front of Trout?!

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Cody’s like, “There’s no such thing as a junior slump.”

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.08.  It’s such a nice ride owning him until he gets inexplicably hurt and misses three months.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 unearned runs, 4 Ks and a home run, for the rare daily double, Ticker Shock and pitchslap.  The pitchslap is less surprising since he’s the Giants’ best hitter.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 9.31, and he hit two homers!  First, he pitchslapped Lauer, which was payback for the button under his desk.  Then he pitchslapped A. Warren.  No word on which Warren it was, but it couldn’t have been Adam, could it?

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  Maybe it’s because the Zombino, Adam Jones, has woke something in the White Walker, but I am liking what I see so far, and have begun to add him to multiple teams.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers.  As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”  Or “Ruh-roh, you gave up on him after five games?”

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 8.00.  One K?  How many times did baby batter, Semien, face him?  That should be enough for more than one K.  Word is that he was averaging 88 MPH on his fastball, which is the lowest in his career, and going to his change more than at any time in the last three years.  His April velocity was way down last year, then it bounced back as the season went on, so I’m not selling him for scraps, but I’m concerned.

Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00.  Similar to Trevor Cahill, Fiers is solid back-end fantasy starter that is never owned, so you can use the Streamonator on him.

Brad Keller – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.08.  Dating back to last season’s All-Star break, the best AL ERAs (from before yesterday’s games):  Snell 1.73; Clevinger 2.12; Price 2.55; Tanaka 2.76 and Brad Keller 2.79.

Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  He has nice power and–Forget it, he was pulled from the game for Frank Schwindel.  When your manager thinks Frank Schwindel should get at-bats over you, you have no hope.

Adalberto Mondesi – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). My thoughts:

Blake Parker – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, so he’s got that savementum!  Parker is my bet for saves in Minnesota.  Also, in this game, the Royals had dueling garbage relievers.  Kinda like dueling banjos but more squealing.  Brad Boxberger (1 IP, 1 ER) could be the closer, but Ned Yost is supposedly not talking to him (fabulous!); Ian Kennedy (1 IP, 1 ER) is terrible; Wily Peralta is worse and Diekman is an oxymoron, so who knows.

Josh Hader – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 4th save, ERA at 0.00.  Whoever forwarded all of Kimbrel’s calls to a wrong number, thank you.  You are a total mensch (not Kevin Mench).

Anthony DeSclafani – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His nickname is Tony Disco, because he hasn’t pitched since the Disco Era, and he has dead fantasy teams floating in his platform shoes.  I took a flyer on DeSclafani in a few deeper leagues.  He was a low-4 ERA pitcher before his career was sidelined for two years, and he’s only 28 years old, so, yeah, deep league flyer.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Be crazy if he gets back to the place fantasy-wise where we thought he was in the preseason after not doing anything for three games.

Francisco Lindor – Sidelined another three weeks, at least.  That’s all right, the Indians have Eric Stamets aka Eric Stugots.