Explain to me how you had to draft a top ten starter and Freddy Peralta (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.77) wasn’t going to be good enough. Explain it to me like I’m a five-year-old. A well-read five-year-old, of course. Like I’ve read some of the classics, like that caterpillar turning into the butterfly book and the Berenstain Bears (eat that, Mandela Effect!). Explain how a guy with a 14+ K/9 and 2.92 FIP isn’t exactly what you want in every league and is worse than who? Who’s he worse than?! I’m all charged up because I ate some candy. I’ll calm down by the third blurb of the post. Explain to me how Freddy Peralta with an .130 xBA on all pitches, which is the top 1% in the league, and a top 5% in the league xSLG, and a top 3% strikeout rate in the league is not an ace? Explain how an expected ERA of 2.21 isn’t an ace. I’ll wait! (After the third blurb, I’m still running on sugar.) Explain how a guy with a .115 xBA on his fastball isn’t an ace. Explain it! Okay, I’m not even going to make it to the third blurb, I need a nap. Freddy Peralta is an ace, aside from his walks. If he can lower his walk rate, he’s a top five starter. Right now, he’s roughly a top 15 starter. Get on board or explain to me why not! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Corbin Burnes – Will return on Thursday. Happy Corbin Burnes Eve for those that celebrate.

Carlos Martinez – Hit the IL after he twisted his ankle. That’s what happens when your walk-up music is Twist & Shout.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .245. Au Shizz!

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. There was no scoring in this game until Boxberger came in for the 11th, and someone sat on his boxed berger.

Nate Pearson – Optioned to Triple-A. Mmmkay. Which is more Ks than he got in his last start.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (1 walk), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Robbie Ray heading to the door to answer it, “Who is it?” On the other side of the door, “…Cable guy…” “I didn’t call the cable guy.” “It’s your landlord, sir.” “Landlord? Why?” “I mean…It’s a Land Shark.” “Land Shark?” Robbie finally opens the door to reveal…His former self! Shut the door, Robbie! Don’t start walking guys again!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .322. Great, terrific, adjective. But, damn, Lourdes Gurriel Jr. (0-for-3) sucks. He’s been impossible to start, and even the Jays know as they pinch-hit for him. It’s a miserable experience. The good news is if you don’t have him, well, besides not having him, you might be able to acquire for nothing. He can’t be this bad.

Jordan Romano – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.79, and his 1st save. I told you he’d be the closer! (After six weeks of not being the closer, and the Jays trying two other guys first.) With Dolis on the IL, Romano should get the bulk of chances. Romano in bulk? What is this, Trader Joe’s?

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .311. Tildaddy says you can lead the league in homers!

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. OZUNA take selfie after that home run. OZUNA can’t find selfie on his iCloud. OZUNA call AppleCare.

Brandon Belt – Left with side tightness. Maybe loosen up, Belt.

Logan Webb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.74. That was a huge positive on Streamonator yesterday, and clearly a great stream. His next, welp, we’ll always have yesterday.

Jake McGee – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.50 and his 10th save. If Gabe Kapler would’ve said Tyler Rogers was the closer last week inside a movie theater, he’d be arrested for screaming fire, man.

David Dahl – 2-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .222. That’s Colorado Rockies uber-prospect David Dahl to you! He does have a seven-game hitting streak, so this could be a little schmotato.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – Hit the IL, due to Covid, and Jorge Mateo and Jurickson Profar were close contacts, i.e., on their day off, they went to Dave & Buster’s. What, only I do that on my day off? Oh, I guess y’all are a bunch of little Ferris Buellers. With Tatis’s positive test, he will be out for at least ten days, and maybe more. No one has any idea.

Wil Myers – Left in the 3rd inning with a positive Covid test. Okay, hey, we’re only, what, 14 months into this shizz? Here’s a wild idea and I’ll give it to you for free. Take it or leave it. Test players prior to the game, and before they’re around literally their entire team. I know, crazy thought. But maybe try that, you giant freakin’ idiots. Eric Hosmer is also now on the Covid IL, because he was hanging out by Myers, who was with the team until the 3rd inning because for some reason that’s when tests return! So, we have a 7th inning stretch and a 3rd inning swab?

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .237. Not even going to mention Dinelson Lamet, aside from this one non-mention of him, when I say he’s a two-inning pitcher.

Adbert Alzolay – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50 vs. Shane Bieber – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.95 in 121 pitches. The results are what they are as the “it is what it is” people say in past tense, but Alzolay looked really good. Dare I say better than Bieber.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .261. “Listen, your mustache has a beautiful sheen. Do you use mayo? But enough beauty secrets! There’s no way I’m drafting Jo-Ram now that Lindor’s gone to New York.”

Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .202. Actually, have Cesar in one league and it’s been as wonderful as it seems. An absolute walk through the garden, like I’m trampling through a Cesar salad.

Jeff McNeil – Left the game with body cramps, and should be fine with hydration. Need to hook him up with MC Lyte’s brother, Electro.

Albert Almora – Ran into the fence headfirst and went down like a sack of potatoes. Luckily, he got up and walked off the field like you wearing a potato sack.

Marcus Stroman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.01. You could’ve drafted a staff all after pick 200. Or whatever Stroman’s ADP was, 180? Then that.

John Means – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.21. Johnny Vander Meer’s family dug up the bones of Johnny to attend this game and Means lost the chance for back-to-back no-hitters on the 1st batter, and it was Bring Your Dog to the Park Day. *shakes head* Not pretty.

Cesar Valdez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.40 and his 3rd blown save. The unstoppable force is Valdez sucking, and the immovable object is Valdez for the Orioles by the trading deadline.

JT Brubaker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Brubaker sounds like a 1950s stripper. Does his initials stand for Just Tiddies? Because, if it does, that’s awesome. He’s kinda of awesome too. I wrote 300 words on Brubaker last time; search the site.

Jesse Winker – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .374. It’s everyone’s favorite game…The Player Rater Check-in! Winker is a top ___ outfielder? Is the answer 20, 15–Okay, he’s a top 10 outfielder. Game’s over. No winners, except those that have Winker.

Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.10, and 1-for-4 with the bat, and, after he was removed from the game as a pitcher, he stayed in the game as the right fielder. Babe Ruth is watching this, sitting on a cloud in the shape of a BarcaLounger, choking on a hot dog that Fatty Arbuckle handed him.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .203. As I mentioned on yesterday’s podcast, I didn’t like Tucker coming into the year, but I didn’t even think he’d be this bad, and he could be a decent buy low.

Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .333. Is this some Patty Duke Show shizz and this is really Lourdes?

Lance McCullers – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Serious question: Did anyone pitch poorly yesterday? Oh, yeah, Pablo Lopez.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Was so happy he pitched well. Not because I have him in leagues, though I do, I was happy to see so I didn’t have to field five dozen questions about him. You have me shook!

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .280. Literally only hitter I have who’s doing well. Literally!

Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.54. As for the A’s, Rudy made a funny:

Brady Singer – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.18. Why does he only get hit when I start him? Well, technically, I start him every time out, so he also pitches well when I start him. Against the Tigers, though? Singer was…*pinkie to mouth* off note.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .200. Feel like I’m saying this a lot today, but, yeah, Soler’s a buy low too.

Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.94. People ask if I’d start Boyd, but I wouldn’t roster Boyd, so I’m not starting him anywhere. Should you start Boyd is a different question, and I’d use the Streamonator for that answer.

Robbie Grossman – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs, hitting .233. Ya know who Grossman reminds me of? A poor man’s Canha. I will call him Canchuckle. Is he Canadian too? That would be perfect.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Also, in this game, Treat Urner (3-for-4) hit his 8th homer. And Juan Soto (1-for-2, 1 run) got at-bats. Lowercase yay.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.80 vs. Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.08. Hear people complaining about Cease. That’s rich as he goes against a guy who went roughly 250 picks before him who has a 5+ ERA.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .121. “We can put a broken parachute on him, toss him out of a plane and who is gonna know any better–Wait! Grandal’s moved! He’s alive!”

Jose Abreu – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .231. Please get hot, and invite Freddie Freeman along. Please.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4, and his 9th and 10th homer. Leave two hanging and Mitch will hit them. Turnabout is fair play.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Ya know what’s wild? Kyle is more consistently good than his brother, Corey.

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Tough matchup for Kikuchi in Dodger Stadium and he cruised like en bee dee for six innings. Pretty impressive start, until the 7th. If you throw out two starts by him, his ERA would be, like, still 3.00, but better. Hey, I’m trying positivity. My shrink says it’s healthy.

Gavin Lux – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. One big game every six weeks is da Lux edition.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Not even going to talk about Pablo Lopez and how he was the only starter yesterday who threw a terrible game, except for this 2nd mention of exactly the same thing. Effin’ Pab-Lo.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer and 2nd homer in three games, and is there any way you’re actually picking up Asdrubal Cabrera? Is this 2011?

Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and, like, his 12th homer in the last week. Been one of the hottest hitters in the last two weeks and Juan Soto’s getting at-bats, so I’m happy, right? Right?

Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Wow, that’s dramatically different than every other start. I’m not ready to declare him the guy I liked a lot in the preseason again, but this is helluva lot better than any of the crizzap he was doing up until this point. Let’s see if he can leave the Struggle Bus behind for good in his next start in Baltimore.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .254. Has anyone checked the ball after Giancarlo or Judge hits it to see if the deadened ball is deadeneder?

Luke Voit – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “All this time I thought you meant homeroom, when you said HR.”

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .178. Saw Gary Sanchez’s .178 AVG, went to his Statcast page so I could goof on his xBA, and…Well, don’t give up on Gary Sanchez. His xBA is .250; his strikeouts are way down and his walks are way up.

Yoshi Tsutsugo – DFA’d by the Rays. Their leadoff hitter? That’s truly a shame–VIDAL BRUJAN?! JOSH LOWE?! WANDER–Okay, not Wander, but where we at with the outfielders? Can we get a callup please I’m fiending!

Mike Zunino – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Don’t think about how he has more homers than all your 1st round picks. Don’t think about how he has more homers than all your 1st round picks. All work no play makes Grey a dull boy. All work no play makes Grey a dull boy. *tears streaming down face* All work no play makes Grey a dull boy. I’m fine!

Jordan Zimmermann – Announced his retirement from baseball. First, the deadened ball, now this. Hitters have no chance!