Zach Britton was traded to the Yankees. The Yankees acquired Britton to throw out all Boston players’ tea. Now the Yankees just need to acquire Ben Revere to ride into Boston and tell everyone in Fenway what’s up. “Excuse me, Jimmy McMalley, should we Google when the Yankees are coming to town next?” “I don’t think that’s necessary, Shane O’Irishharvard, the Yankees have a lovely black gentleman riding into town named Revere with a Britton” “Splendid, Jimmy, splendid.” And that’s how Massholes discuss current events. Britton now moves about three innings from the ninth. Is he gonna pitch the 6th? Not sure, to be honest, but he’s not closing, so in most leagues you can drop him. As for Baltimore’s new closer? Like neon scrunchies, what’s old is new again, and Brad Brach should regain the closer job. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gary Sanchez – Hit the DL after re-aggravating his groin injury, i.e., his groin is barking. If he were just faking a reoccurrence of his injury after his pee-poor passed ball the other night, then Gary Sanchez is a smellfungus with his groin. Smellfungus is my new favorite arcane word. Move over, cattywampus!
Masahiro Tanaka – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Was super close to making Tanaka the lede today, but I think there’s gonna be time for him to get another lede this 2nd half, because: 91 Ks, 76 1/3 IP in the 2nd half last year and a 3.77 ERA with a .230 BAA. He’s in the early lead for Friday’s Buy lede.
Jeff McNeil – 1-for-1, as he was called up by the Mets. You know who’s even more excited about seeing McNeil? Asdrubal, because this almost certainly means he’s being traded. Then again, the Mets might just bench McNeil. That might be the more Mets thing to do. Why do we care? Jeff McNeil has looked more like Jeff Kent in the minors this year. He has 19 HRs and a .342 average in Double and Triple-A. Tri-A is PCL-aided, but he’s been hitting everything all year. He’s not a tater tot, however, he’s 26 years old, so might be a Quad-A player who just finally figured out the minor leagues, but is too old to do the same in the majors. I’d grab him in deeper mixed leagues and NL-Only for now.
Yoenis Cespedes – Hit the DL and might have surgery on the calcification in both of his heels which could sideline him for 8-10 months. We wait for clarification on the calcification.
Amed Rosario – 1-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .249. I’ll only harp on this for about a week, but it’s baffling to me how it took the Mets until after the break to realize Rosario should be hitting leadoff. They weren’t exactly teeming with options all year either.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .229. He has a chance to hit .250 with 20 homers this year. Not where he wanted to be, I’m sure, but a solid 2nd half will once again draw people into the bounce back, post-post-post-post-post-POST-post hype sleeper next year.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.33. It was vs. the Padres before you try to bend yourself all the way over at the waist, and he’s negatory on the Stream-o-Nator for his next start.
Austin Gomber – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Cards threw another rookie, and this time a six-inning no-hitter, but then shizz went a little sideways when he thought he could pitch to Eugenio “The Eugenius” Suarez. Last Cards starter to throw a no-hitter 24 hours prior was sent right back down, so not sure what to expect of Gomber, likely back to bullpen. Was a bit disappointed that Gomber didn’t face Sal Romano so I could make Sal Goomba jokes, but I guess I could’ve went with Gomber/Homer jokes. Bummer/bumber.
Carlos Martinez – Could return on Monday. No idea who that game will be against, but I can guarantee you afterwards I will say some variation of, “Well, I guess he’s not healthy yet.”
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (4), hitting .179. Cool, super, whatever, but the Cards were in a close game, went into extra innings, and they pulled Jose Martinez (1-for-3, 1 RBI) in the 7th. The ol’ ‘pull one of your best hitters in a close game’ strategy. Not tried since Coach Tom Niedenfuer pulled Darla Casey in the Women’s Softball World Series in 1990. Darla should’ve been able to face Muffy Strumpet!
Bud Norris – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save. I will give it to “You Don’t Know Jack” Shildt, he’s committed to making Norris the closer. Time will tell what kind of ‘committed’ I’m referring to there.
Ranger Suarez – Will make his Phils debut on Thursday, so, ya know, change your name to Phil Suarez or get traded. Ah, member about eight days ago when we (I) thought we (I) should own Enyel De Los Santos? Well, I like Santos better than Suarez and Enyel was beat up.
Nick Williams – 2-for-6 and his 12th homer. Sonavadrop! Damn, I just released him into the sea of inadequatity (totally a word!) as I dropped him for Bieber. That worked out well!
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Against the Dodgers, this could’ve been much worse, so I’d be happy with it. *you opening a half-assed wrapped package* What a lovely 5 IP, 3 ER start. Lowercase thanks.
Yasiel Puig – Will return on Saturday to either be a top 20 outfielder or irrelevant. There is literally no in-between for Cuban players. All Cuban players formed an unpredictable, secret society to tease and torment fantasy owners. It’s called El Cubanati.
Yasmani Grandal – 3-for-7 and his 15th and 16th homer, and three homers in two games. I can hear Joe Buck in October already, “When the Dodgers and Phils met in July, their games were all close affairs–Wait, is that a picture of Brett Gardner’s jawline? My, my, he is handsome.”
Ryan Borucki – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Fun fact! Duff Goldman would think Borucki was a brownie-cookie hybrid and eat him. Slightly less fun fact, Borucki is fine for some streams, like how I streamed him yesterday, but he had a 6.8 K/9 in Triple-A, so he could get chewed up in bad matchups, and not just by Duff.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .278. Was a little touch-and-go like your drunk uncle when Jorge Polanco first came back, but Eduardo’s still playing and hitting near-.400 in the last week.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4, hitting .295 and in two hole, as he continues to hot schmotato. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, that’s your cue. Don’t everyone line up at once. Pun points!
Kris Bryant – Out with a sore shoulder. Uh-oh. He was supposedly recovered from this. Like Scorpio, not a great sign.
Yu Darvish – Threw a 16-pitch session. Sweet! He’s ready to face two hitters as long as they don’t foul off too many.
Clay Buchholz – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.38. No, he’s not pitching that well, but he’s a lot closer to a 3.60 ERA pitcher than he’s been in many years.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Moistasskiss!
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He also stole a base. Totally kidding! Have you ever seen him run? Ketchup comes out of the Heinz bottle faster without hitting the 57.
Gerrit Cole – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Someone asked if they should start Cole in Coors. In general, you have to start top twenty pitchers everywhere. Cole’s been much better than that.
Carlos Rodon – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Rondonkulous! Or you can pitch to the Angels if you walk Trout, and face the other eight Angels. Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know. On the reals, Rodon’s numbers look terrible, so I’d lean on the Stream-o-Nator when to start him.
James Paxton – Was scheduled to return last night, but did not (obvi). Too bad no one told you to sell him–Wait! Someone did! Me. That’s right.
Andrew Suarez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.99. People have adopted this Rice-ja-broni quickly. I mean, there’s at least a dozen comments about starting him. Hear ya loud and/or clear. He is a decent streamer, but a Rice-ja-broni is an in San Francisco treat.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. The Gangly Manbird now has one more homer than Fuller House co-star, John Stamos.
Junior Guerra – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.13, as he was activated from the DL. I know he surrendered some unearned runs, but a few weeks ago it sounded like he was headed for Tommy John surgery. That’s what war’s good for!
Bryce Harper – 0-for-1 with a strikeout and tummy ache. Legend.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .324. If he gets to seven homers on the year, I will write a roundup naked with my Periscope. (I don’t think I know what Periscope is.)
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer. Just Dong just dongs so much he just dongs and dongs.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5 and his 24th homer, hitting .351. All Betts are on!
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 4th homer in the last five games, and 18th homer in the last 12 at-bats. Member what I said about Tanaka being in the lead for the lede Buy on Friday? Well, he’s got some competition.
Tim Beckham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Would’ve been nice to see what Beckham could’ve done this year if he didn’t miss fifty games. Sadly (depends on your POV), I might be in on him again next year.
Shane Bieber – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.80. I’m just going to leave this Coca-Cola on this beautiful veranda in this ISIS-run bar in Afghanistan and head to the bathroom. Could someone watch my drink? *five hours later* Why does it feel like someone is pulling a wet hose out of my butt? AHHHHH!!! Roofie!!!
Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .292. I wonder if him, Gregory Polanco (1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer) and Corey Dickerson (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) are suddenly hitting everything out of the park because they think they might be able to get off the Pirates. Aw, how cute.
Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.90. I like Musgrove, and want to say this great start in Cleveland was his doing, but, man and five girl readers, the Indians offense went cold recently. For what it’s Werth, the Stream-o-Nator loves Musgrove’s next start.
Julio Teheran – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.42. If Teheran’s walk-up music isn’t Bombs Over Baghdad, major missed opportunity.
Johan Camargo – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .261. Camargo to a T: Great NL-Only play, unable to be owned in a mixed league. Or, if reading in Jersey, Camaro to a Trans Am, “Yo, whatcha you doin’ later, ladies?”
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. Went over Jerry Tomato in the video that’s at the top of this post. Give it a watch 4,000 times and make me some some cold hard change!
Starlin Castro – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .287. 287 is also the LAPD code for a white boy singing rap music and about to ask his black friend if he can sing the n-word along with the rapper.
Brian Anderson – 3-for-3, 3 runs, hitting .285. I’m guilty of not even looking at Mehlins hitters too, but there’s actually been a few who have been surprisingly valuable for fantasy.
Jed Lowrie – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBis and his 17th homer. The A’s, uh, A team took yesterday off for the first seven innings and Lowrie and Mark Canha (1-for-3, 3 runs, and hit his 13th homer) picked up the A’s B’s, see? Then the A’s A’s stepped up and Stephen Piscotty (2-for-6 and his 14th homer) and Khris Davis (1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer) went deep again.
Kendall Graveman – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. The doctor should be skeptical if Graveman shows up at the surgery with tendons he ‘found’ that he wants the doctor to use.
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Yes, he’s heating up, but on a sorta unrelated note (like most of this is related!), everyone should listen to Malcolm Gladwell’s podcast, Revisionist History, especially the last episode about Elvis.
Delino DeShields – Optioned to Triple-A. *wavy lines indicating a dream sequence* Whoa, I’m 65 years old? Damn, my hair is still dope. Oh my God, Delino DeShields Jr. Jr. is doing well in Triple-A, I gotta write a sleeper post! Hey, why is there a Russian flag outside my residence? *wavy lines* That was one weird dream.