Was thinking about this the other day. Bear with me, it’s not fully formed (like the rest of this shizz). Is there a higher upside move than becoming a magician? David Blaine scored, Penn & Teller seemed to have done all right for themselves, Siegfried & Roy did fine until that white cat went ape…But how about all of the 18-year-old’s who are like, “Mom, Dad, I’m declining the full ride to Brown. I want to do this…” *pulls sheet off table to reveal their daughter sawed in half* “Oh, crap. Marci?” The world is littered with failed magicians! You want upside? There’s no greater upside call than deciding you want to be a magician for the rest of your life. The Indians team? They’re all freakin’ magicians! Hey, Jose Ramirez (2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer), you’re David Blaine! Francisco Lindor (1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer)? You’re David Blaine! Michael Brantley (2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs)? You’re David Blaine! You’re all David Blaine! We even have some David Blaine magic for Jason Kipnis (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games). If you went Francisco Lindor and Jose Ramirez with your 1st two picks, you’re also a magician, according to the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. (The other way to look at this theory is only a handful of knuckleheads are actually stupid enough to want to be a magician, and the world is not littered with failed magicians and no one is turning down a free ride to an Ivy League school to become a magician, but we don’t talk about this part of the Upside Magician Theory.) Thank you, Jose Ramirez and Francisco Lindor and all the Indians, I believe your magic is real. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .325. Okay, Scooter, you can be The Amazing Jonathan.
Jesse Winker – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting near-.450 in the last week, hitting near-.460 in July, hit .308 in June and still randomly benched by Riggleman.
Chad Kuhl – Shut down for another four weeks. If this affects your fantasy team, then you’re telling me your league only uses Pirates players. Can you own Pie Traynor in case he returns as a zombie? Is your team name ZomPie? Does it still upset you Kiner took his announcing talents to the Mets? Is your best celebrity sighting of Jason Kendall? Do you throw sandwiches without fries directly in the garbage? I got questions, y’all!
Starling Marte – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .282. Now on pace for 19 homers! Can one Pirates hitter break 20 homers this year when other teams have multiple guys over 20 already? Might come down to the wire in September, but if they’re relying on Polanco or Marte to cross the 20-homer threshold they got bigger fish to fry than Arthur Treacher.
Bryce Harper – 0-for-2, but only one K. Maybe the pretzel penis is working?!
Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he was activated from the DL. Funny his initials are VV because he is anything but peaceful to own. Yesterday, you got the good Velasquez; I cannot guarantee his next start will be as placid.
Yoenis Cespedes – Could begin playing rehab games during the All-Star break and has been working out at first base. Why first base? Because ta he Mets will do anything to get their most clutch hitter, Wilmer Flores, out of their lineup. It’s almost like the Mets want to see Wilmer cry. Sick f*cks.
Jacob deGrom – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.68. He’s on pace for nine wins. That’s gonna hurt his Murray Chass Cy Young vote.
Ken Giles – Optioned to the minors. It gets worst; he was sent to Fresno. Fresno is famous for its homeless people with diarrhea that Redfoo of LMFAO tried to eradicate. Wait, I’m thinking of a short story I wrote in my (e)book, Pigeons on a Table! Shameless plug! Then, we have the shameless butt plug that is Ken Giles. Ooh, Giles, things are gonna get easier…Because you will be facing minor leaguers! Filling in for him for the last month-plus has been Hector Rondon, so ESPN said fantasy owners should look at Brad Peacock and Chris Devenski. I’d laugh if it wasn’t so pathetic how bad they are at fantasy advice.
Lance McCullers – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.77. Not to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but look at McCullers’ max innings in a season and look at how many he has.
Shelby Miller – Left his start with tightness in his elbow. Michael Lewis should stop going to Fantasy camps to sign copies of Moneyball and start working on his next book, “Dr. James Andrews Has An Exotic Car Problem And Is Causing Pitchers To Need Multiple Surgeries.”
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-2 and his 21st homer. Au Shizz!
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, as the Rockies exploded for a bajillion runs. Chazz Noir (3-for-3, 4 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 18th homer; Ian Desmond (3-for-5, 5 RBIs) hit his 18th homer and German Marquez homered off Daniel Descalso, which I’m not even sure is a pitchslap, because Descalso is a utility infielder. Daniel Descalso was already in the game for the Diamondbacks in the 4th inning! A hitter pitching is fun like a monkey riding a bicycle. They can do it, but they look ridiculous.
Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.72 vs. Carlos Rodon – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.56. This matchup was a double CWM for me. I want to own both of these guys, if they’re going right. Am already more inclined on Weaver, but if Rodon comes around, I could see grabbing him too in the 2nd half. For now, still looking at the Stream-o-Nator.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Anyone who has a sub-2.50 ERA in today’s offensive-bent climate should get an automatic pass to Cooperstown. Skip the five-year waiting period, just put in Sale, Snell, deGrom, etc.
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.66. I was watching this game, and it was Cruise City — six scoreless, woohoo! I was on one of those party trolleys where everyone’s pedaling and having a good time and then the guy steering started drinking and now we’re on a sidewalk and WE’RE HEADED FOR A POLICEMAN ON A HORSE! Wow, that shizz went sideways quick. Am excited to have Faultywirewitz have the break to rest, think he could use it (because we all know rest will fix an out-of-whack xFIP). Hey, he’s a 3.50-3.75 pitcher and regressing; it’s gonna happen.
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. *takes a deep breathe* Smells like April powers (no, that’s not the name of a porn actress).
Justin Smoak – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer, and his 3rd homer this week. I was half kidding yesterday when I said if Smoak keeps homering I might have to include him in my top 100 of the 2nd half, but, well, I might.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-5, 1 run and a steal. My call in the preseason that Andrus was overrated was so right on I haven’t even had a chance to point it out because he hasn’t done anything in months! Yesterday, his steal was what number on the year? Go ahead, guess. Forget it, you’re never guess. It was his first steal all year! To go with his 2 homers! People were drafting him in the top 50 overall! Haha, oopsie.
Freddy Peralta – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 2.65. Just your usual rookie hiccups. His peripherals are still highly attractive and I might start call him Freddy Purr-rawr-ta.
Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .307. Something I don’t mention much because it hurts, but I dropped Aguilar in one league. Don’t worry, I can displace the blame — stupid Counsell kept benching him for Braun! Now Counsell’s like, “Oh, Aguilar is not only an All-Star, but he’s our MVP.” W(here)TF was that when I owned him?!
Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.41. I feel like I keep making excuses to not like Gonzales. I mean, he’s ooooohkaaaay. *having arm twisted*
Garrett Richards – Has damage to his UCL elbow.
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 12, 2018
Brian Dozier – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his 3rd homer in four games. You are Gwyneth Paltrow standing on the subway platform in Sliding Doors and the subway comes, opens its door, then shuts its door and you’re still standing there as the train leaves. On the back of the train, the destination: Owning Brian Dozier. The train left the station without you, Gwyn-ey.
Ian Kennedy – Hit the DL with an oblique strain. Some have theorized Kennedy’s injury is due to the Magic Bullet Theory, which says he strained his oblique while making a smoothie.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 18th and 19th homer. Two homers? That’s an open-mouthed Moistasskiss!
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.46. That’s nice, do it for three more months and maybe I’ll allow you to spread your disease on my 2019 teams.
Giancarlo Stanton – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .276. Member when he was hitting .218 in April and people were like, “Giancarlo can’t hit in New York, it’s too much pressure, do you still want to hug his wienie, Grey?” And now he could be hitting .280 by the All-Star break.
Greg Bird – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Joey Lucchesi – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.34. You know what’s coming? I know what’s coming. Want me to tell you? The Padres are going to randomly announce Lucchesi has been having an arm/shoulder/elbow/forearm problem, and how he was trying to pitch through it.
C.J. Cron – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Curtis Jackson is Cron-o-matic! Get the strap!
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. This was his 2nd homer in the last however many games he’s played this year. *winks* Accuracy.
Shane Greene – Will return from the DL on Friday to closer duties. I’m happy to hear it; I own him, but doesn’t it seem obvious an extra week of rest through the All-Star break would’ve made more sense? Hopefully, for Greene’s sake, it wasn’t painfully obvious.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Definitely tied his owners to the WHIPping post with all those baserunners, but until the C.J. Cron homer on his last batter, he wasn’t pitching that poorly. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t have his next start yet, so I’d likely hold for now if you can.
James McCann – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. You just can’t bring any balls near McCann.
Mike Montgomery – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.91 vs. Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.36. What a snooze, which is not the same as Jon Niese, that’s ‘what a schnoz.’ If you’re wondering if Cueto made my top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming next week, you’ve outed yourself as a Cueto owner. Literally no one else cares. He’s been fantastically bleh — fantablehous — since returning from injury, and his peripherals are equally fantablehous.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .280, as he returned from…Where the hell was he anyway? A rehab assignment? For the whole season? Has he played this year yet? I don’t remember seeing him do anything all year. Am I wrong? *Googles ‘when was last time Bryant played’* Bryant played for the Lakers? I don’t think Google is accurate and now my life is metaphorically a whirling dervish, which means if you were to call to me, I’d be ‘You Dervish.’ I need to sit down. I’m Yu Darvish? When did this happen?