Opens an envelope, and, inside, is an invitation.  “Wow, what gorgeous calligraphy.  Someone took their calligraphy class at 8 PM every Wednesday for six weeks at a local college very seriously.  Patrick Bateman would be jealous of that raised font.”  Reading, “Please join us, the Tampa Bay Rays, for the Star Mitzvah of Austin Meadows.  On Tuesday, the ninth of April, two thousand and nineteen at twenty-four minutes after two o’clock in the afternoon at Temple Fantasy Tova Those Other Outfielders.  A reception to follow at one of the 37 local Hooter’s restaurants in the Tampa area.  Rather than gifts, please bring Cash.  Our manager, he gets lost.”  How sweet is that.  I wonder if I was invited because I wrote an Austin Meadows sleeper this preseason.  Prolly.  Sound the shofar, Meadows is finally breaking out!  *remains super calm, then screams*  I TOLD YOU!  Yesterday, Austin Meadows went 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2), hitting .308.  Hopefully, this is the start of the big things I imagine for him, and, finally, he becomes a man.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .278.  Lowe’s delivering with that wood!  (I know it’s pronounced differently; don’t be that person.)

Avisail Garcia – 3-for-5 and his 1st homer.  Avisail had a season where he hit .330 and never got hot once, so not sure if this is the sign of something.

Ervin Santana – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER as he returned from the IL.  Returned is too modest.  He just appeared on the mound.  That Ervin is Magic!

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .326.  This is apropos of nothing, but White Sox announcer, Jason Benetti, looks like he’d make a great underdog on Survivor.  *Jeff Probst looks down at ground* C’mon on in, guys.

Daniel Palka – 0-for-21, hitting .000.  *insert Chris Davis eating popcorn with Michael Jackson in the Thriller GIF*

Mike Clevinger – Out for two months with a back strain.  Hey, Streamonator, I need to stream for the next 60 days, please help me, thanking you in advance.  AHHHHHHHHH!!!  Okay, chillax, Grey… *slaps face*  That’s not helping me chillax!   *looks at self in mirror*  Oh my God, this news is making my face melt…Wait a second, that’s condensation on the mirror.  Don’t effin’ condensate me, mothereffer!  So, this is a tough blow to swallow, though, unless you can fit your fist in your mouth, any blow is tough to swallow.  I’m not entirely surprised, unfortch.  Back injuries for pitchers are not good.  He just went from a potential 200+ IP pitcher to possibly Strasburg for the rest of his career.  I’m not joking.  Bad backs on pitchers are not good.  Can they get rid of them?  No, and every time they return it’s their back again.

Leonys Martin – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .167.  I told you he was a sleeper (in 2013)!

Brad Miller – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1), hitting .200.  I told you he was a sleeper (in 2014)!

Jake Bauers – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .200.  I told you he was a sleeper (in 2018)!  Too bad the Indians got rid of Chief Wahoo, he might’ve been able to raise these dead sleepers.

Jordan Zimmermann – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.50.  The Regression Fairies think Kate Hudson is underrated; they shake their head, disappointed, at people wearing the color brown and they will destroy your ratios.

Jonathan Loaisiga – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.86.  With Luis Severino out for at least six more weeks (read: six months), Lasagna will have a longer leash.  Someone is reading in Italy right now remembering to bring in their Italian Greyhound named Lasagna.  I’d mostly rely on the Streamonator for Lasagna.

Luke Voit – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .195.  Every time I think I like Alonso more than Voit, Voit does something.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer.  Forget it, Luke, Alonso’s in the lead again!  Keep challenging each other though, it’s helpful for my teams.

Michael Conforto – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 3rd homer and 3rd in as many games. I won’t mention that I wrote a sleeper post for him this offseason because daddy’s gotta dine out on that some other time.  Today’s Meadows’s day.

Jacob deGrom – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.18.  Not only did he get hit, he got smoked.  Balls were not dinking out for 20% chance of a hit on Statcast.  Balls were being mollywhopped out by Mitch Garver (4-for-5, 3 runs and two homers) as he told deGrom, “You’re now my *itch Garver.”

Kyle Gibson – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.71.  Why did I draft this schmohawk?  Ugh, I hate him.  He is the king of these 4 2/3 IP starts when his team is winning.  He stinks because he’s always breaking Win’d.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, hitting .250.  Apparently, he heard the thousands of you asking to drop him.  Please start asking about dropping Odor, thanking you in advance.

Jorge Polanco – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .405, and a double short of the cycle.  Damn, he already has a cycle this season.  About to start calling him Jorge Schwinn.

David Dahl – Hit the IL.  Thankfully.  Rest and please return healthy in two weeks.  Okay, now that I’m done with my vision board.  Yonathan Daza was called up.  Daza, who is not the boss, was talked about on our podcast yesterday by Podcaster Ralph.  He’s a speed/contact guy for NL-Only leagues.  Daza (0-for-4) hit leadoff yesterday in his 1st game, not because of what Daza can do, but just a little eff you tossed off to Tapia and Hampson.

German Marquez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.00.  Okay, I can’t explain away his entire start, but let’s try!  A better tag on a reviewed play at third on Freeman and a strike three call on Swanson, which was a strike, and he’d have two earned runs.  Wasn’t a beautiful start by him (where’s the Ks?), but it wasn’t as bad as the line looks.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself as I walk into traffic.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer.  Tildaddy says you’re done with your homework!

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Just leave your fantasy team password in the comments and I’ll pick him up for you.  If your password is Mustachesarestupid, then don’t bother.

Max Fried – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00.  First off, this is not to take anything from him, because he looked great, but that Rockies’ lineup is a mess.  Okay, as for the good stuff, there were a few moments (random errors) when this game could’ve went off the rails like the train in the The Fugitive, and not only did Fried avoid the third rail, but he showed poise of a much longer track record.  I choo-choo choose him!  Also, because I have cojones the size of watermelons, I started him and Marquez in Coors, and would own Fried just about everywhere.

Luis Urias – 0-for-1 as he was called up (two days ago, my b).  He is a .270 hitter with 7-homer pop and 7 steal-speed, and he will at least share time with Kinsler, i.e., in most leagues you can do better. Look at me having faith in you!

Joey Lucchesi – 4 IP, 7 ER vs. the Giants, ERA at 4.40.  What was that?  Did he owe something to the San Fran mob?  “This is a payoff for taking over Cannery Row in Monterrey.  We are square now.”

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.38.  Feels a lot like the NL version of Shoemaker.  Makes sense since I’d bet a top ten occupation in Holland is a cobbler.

Dakota Hudson – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.79.  Win’doh!  Ugh, 4 2/3 IP starts are the most frustrating.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .195.  Au Shizz!

Ross Stripling – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.78.  I do think even with 75% of his stuff (pitches) he can be still be worthwhile in deeper leagues, but I’m officially concerned about him.

Mike Trout – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain.  I thought he only caused his fantasy owners to strain their groins.  Hunh, weird.

Tommy La Stella – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, and three homers in the last two games. It pains me to say, but hot schmotato alert!

Freddy Peralta – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.91.  Since I don’t own Peralta, this brings me a little joy.  I’m sorry.  It’s schadenfred.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Moistasskiss!

Yasmani Grandal – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer.  Yasmani loves to hit in Los Angeles, and also 45 minutes south of Los Angeles.

Wei-Yin Chen – 2 IP, 10 ER.  More like Free-Lun Chen.

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .258.  Okay, let’s do a quick roundup of this Reds’ sizzle-reel, snuff film because they scored a bazillion runs off Chen.  Matt Kemp (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .148) hit his 1st homer since dating Ri-Ri; Jesse Winker (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .103) hit his first homer because he’s cool like Henry Winkler; Scott Schebler (3-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer and Joey Votto continues to suck.  I told you not to draft him, but you’re living in the 2000’s with your crush on sober Britney Spears and rocking your Zune.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.92.  Can I trade someone my 2018 Castillo shares for 2019 Castillo shares?  Please.

Jon Lester – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring.  Fun fact!  All HoneyBaked employees start their careers straining hamstrings.

Jurickson Profar – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .182.  Hey, the ball called the Jurickson store and you’re outta here! (Worst home run call of all time.)

Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .309.  Here’s Semien in your eye! (Okay, that home run call is worse.)

Dwight Smith Jr. – 2-for-4, and his 2nd steal, hitting .286.  Not quite a hot schmotato, but I’m a cyclops with a monocle on Dwight.  So, he’s the assistant to the hot schmotato.

Victor Robles – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .324 as he continues to hit 9th.  I don’t say this as a joke, but I truly believe if someone were to go into Davey Martinez’s office and switch Robles with Dozier in the lineup, he’d have no idea.

Juan Soto – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Stay thirsty, Sexy Dr. Pepper!

Aaron Nola – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.46 vs. Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.40.  This matchup was billed as, “Hey, Grey, I know you don’t like drafting top pitching, but could you tell me what you think of this pitching staff with Nola and Strasburg?”

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .333.  Super pumped I owned Bryce for his season with a .240 average, and not this one.

Maikel Franco – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .294.  Was watching him the other day and it looked like he was reverting to old, sloppy tendencies of chopping bad pitches to the 2nd baseman, but can’t pull plug on him yet.  I do think hitting in front of the pitcher will catch up to him.

Dustin Pedroia – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL.  Good to see the return of one of the few remaining Sparky Anklebiters. Your might won’t be held down by your height.  For fantasy, he is the new blech.  He’ll either rest every third game or he will be hurt again by May 15th.

Chris Sale – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.00.  Sale said his previous start’s velocity was the lowest of his career because of an illness.  Yeah, that illness is old age and it affects 100% of the old.  Watched a good portion of this game and Sale hit 95, like, once and struck out so few Blue Kays, a team that usually strikes out four times per inning.  I stand by my Sale sell (say that fast 117 times!) and was far from impressed by his flat fastball.

Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .257.  Goodbye, Vogelbach, hello, Moreland!  Kidding, but Vogelbach could always use Moreland.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .255.  Mookie Best!

Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, hitting .250, and still has yet to record an RBI.  How about that spring training?

Matt Shoemaker – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.92.  Was actually more impressed with The Cobbler than I was with Sale.  Different level of expectations obviously, but Shoemaker continued to look promising.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .129, and his 1st steal — a steal of home.  Wow, Sale’s lost so much velocity he can’t even get the ball home for a steal.

Jay Bruce – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  If you’re still asking if you should pick up Bruce, you have to wonder what you’re waiting for.  He could have one of those old school-type seasons where he hits 27 homers by the All-Star Break, then fades into oblivion.

Richard Lovelady – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he was called up by the Royals.  You might know him by his preferred moniker, Dick Lovelady.  The BDE on Dick Lovelady is off the charts.  Dick Lovelady was almost your stepdad, but he Dick Lovelady’d your mom and then left her.  Don’t shoot the messenger!  Any hoo!  He’s been a closer in the minors.  *blank stare on your face*  He pitches for the Royals.  *Still blank*  Dude!  The Royals don’t have a closer.  In deep leagues, I could seeing messin’ around with Dick Lovelady.

Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and a walk-off homer off Jose Leclerc (1/3 IP, 3 ER).  Leclerc ran right to the showers only to find Jarrod Dyson had beat him there and was Doing the Floss.  Dyson said, “I gotta enjoy this!  The only way I ever thought I’d get a walk-off was if they put a cliff between first and second base.”