*spraypaints Foltynewicz incorrectly on the bumper of my car*  “Okay, Cougs, now back this car up over my head.  Why are you arguing with me?  I see the way you look at me when I burp in public, just back the damn car up over my head!  I’m looking for a visual metaphor here!”  So, how was your Monday?  Mine was just terrific!  Not as terrific as Ryan Borucki, apizzarently.  On my tombstone it’s going to read, “He died from a miserable September in his fantasy leagues, of course.  Dur.”  I mean, Jesus Aguilar Christmas Effin’ Christ, what in the holy name!  Okay, okay, OKAY!  Back to Borucki.  Yesterday, he went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86, which is a helluva lot better than Faultywhichwhich!  Borucki’s K-rate (6.1), his walk rate (2.8) and his 4.57 xFIP leave piles and piles to be desired.  However (throw out everything Grey just said!), the Stream-o-Nator does like his next start a teensiest bit, and I could see streaming him.  “Now back up the car!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Danny Jansen – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .254.  Isn’t this the youngest son in Growing Pains?  Hey, Danny Jansen, just tell everyone you’re a catcher already!  Or not.  Seriously, this is a life choice only the person can make.  My life choice is to not own him.

Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer.  Hey, Borucki adai a-nay-who!  Mazel, mazel.  I got a batty call right this year!  I will hold Pillar too, because he has two homers in three games, and could be a hot schmotato.

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.31, and could be shut down.  This start was a bit of a comedown from his 2nd half ERA (1.32, only behind Trevor Williams for best ERA in 2nd half), but if I may guess at shizz, Wheeler only gave up six baserunners, so he was a tad unlucky.  Tad Unlucky is also the worst porn actor name.

Michael Conforto – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 26th homer.  Nice job of ruining your 2019 fantasy draft value!

Jeff McNeil – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .335.  Maybe it’s because I played 2nd base when I was younger, but I love me some middle infielders, and McNeil is really impressing me.  By the way, I played 2nd base until about 4th grade, so I really don’t think it’s the reason, but I kinda do.

Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.77.  Arrieta has made the NL East look like the AL East, and, if he were in the AL East, he’d have a 5+ ERA.

Tyler Glasnow – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.06 on the Rays.  The Stream-o-Nator liked this start of Glasnow’s, but absolutely loves his next one, and I don’t think it’s because it thinks Glasnow is a Scottish feminist organization.

Ji-Man Choi – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 4th homer in nine games, and likely the 4th time I’ve told you to pick him up.  Of course, it’s your Choi-ce.

Sergio Romo – 1 IP, 0 ER and another save, as he’s now pitched in four straight games after abruptly being detained by border agents for a month.  Seriously, where was he?!

Mike Foltynewicz – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.90.  “You need to hit the gas!”  *Cougs flies forward and crashes into our other car*  “You have to put in reverse first!  Why do you mock me!?”  So, this was a lousy time for the Regression Fairies to show up.  Like, maybe for his start earlier this year in Fenway when I benched him.  Maybe the regression could’ve waited until the regular season playoffs, and, sigh, you defecated on my fantasy team.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .304.  The rest of the major leagues –> like it’s 1927 Yankees on steroids.  Freeman –> whistling along like he’s Andy Griffith.  Hit more homers, my doode!

Paul DeJong – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Here’s a sleeper of mine that didn’t work out perfectly, but, if he didn’t miss forty games, he might be close to where I thought he would be.  Way to make it sound like I was right!

Kolten Wong – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a DeJong/Wong have gone deep since Nick the Dick from Bachelor Party.

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.20 vs. Wade LeBlanc – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.49.  I was telling a lot of people to start Framber yesterday, just as I did myself, due to the Stream-o-Nator, and I’m holding him because that crazy robot likes his next start too.  I have no faith in LeBlanc, since range is so limited, but he’s pitched well, so I’d hop on him too like a Joey.

Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-1, 4 RBIs with his 4th homer, and his 2nd straight game with a homer, but this one was a pinch-hit homer.  Yo, M’s, you got a bowling ball with feet, you gotta play that!

Kyle Hendricks – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.58.  Hendricks going on a historic run in the playoffs for the Cubs would be such a new Cubs-type situation and The Ghost of Harry Caray thinks I’ve had too much to drink and he’s never thought that before.

Javier Baez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer, hitting .294.  Putting up an MVP year and you know every bone in Maddon’s body wants to put Zobrist ahead of him in the lineup.

Kris Bryant – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Wow!  Only one more to catch Daniel Descalso!

Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.06 vs. Brad Keller – 6 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.17.  This matchup was called, “You wanna start your H2H playoff matchup right with some two-start starters?  I bet you do, suckas!”

Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .277.  And only one less homer than Kris Bryant.  “I don’t care how much it costs to remove spraypaint from cars, I’m tagging the bumper with Kris Bryant’s name next and you’re gonna run back over me!”  So, yeah, I’d grab O’Hearn, just as we drew it up back in March.

Christian Yelich – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, and his 31st homer, and hit for yet another cycle.  He’s only the third player to have two cycles in the same season.  The other two were Aaron Hill and Babe Herman, and Christian is with a Babe in a video he did where his head is between two small hills.  Do you see how crazy baseball is?!  Yelich went from easy top 25 guy about a month ago to “I’m not sure I can get him out of my top 12.”

Domingo Santana – 1-for-1 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and both homers were pinch-hit homers, and Sunday Santana would be a top 25 outfielder if he were on a team that played him every day.  Counsell has cost Domingo about $35 million.

Joc Pederson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .251.  He has more homers than Freeman in roughly two hundred less at-bats.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.18.  Never stays healthy, but is still always underrated.

Max Muncy – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer.  Good thing they got that backup infielder, Brian Dozier, just in case Muncy needs extra sunflower seeds or something.

Jon Gray – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.07.  Member when he seemed fixed coming back from the minors?  Yeah, I’m never owning him again.  You can enjoy him next year with his Ks!  He’s like Chris Archer in Coors.

Andrew Suarez – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.24.  For those that streamed him in a weekly league, due to the Stream-o-Nator, one start down, one tougher start to go.  If you can bail, better call Saul.

Aaron Judge – Took at-bats in a simulated game, and Aroldis Chapman threw in a simulated game.  Neither had any issues.  Just to be clear, they were two separate simulated games.  eSports is really taking off!

Michael Fulmer – Has meniscus damage in his knee.  He will now see Dr. James Andrews who will replace his knee with an elbow and Fulmer will be kicking 95 MPH fastballs in no time.

Jordan Zimmermann – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.41.  Conspiracy Theory Alert!  Jay-Z went into an elevator with Solanges Knowles and the pitcher, J.Z., has never been the same.  They’re one in the same!

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Eddie Rosario – Hit his 24th homer, then hurt his quad injury and ALL OUR TOYS ARE BROKEN!  *kneels in front of Fathead of Giancarlo*  If you can hear me, Fantasy Baseball Overlord, please let Rosario finish the season.  Or at least this week for weekly leagues.  Look, I’m even giving you multiple choices.  That’s nice of me, now you be nice to me.

Adam Conley – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.37, and his 3rd save, and 2nd time in two games he’s entered the ninth with a lead (on Sunday it wasn’t a save situation, though he made it one).  Mattingly said yesterday that rosters shouldn’t expand in September, because there’s too many players on a team.  Obviously, he’s forgotten who his closer is.

Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 2nd in as many games, hitting .304.  At this point, all I’m rooting for with Rendon is he comes close to my preseason projections.  *sees I projected him for 31 homers*  Okay, might be asking too much.

Victor Robles – 2-for-4 and his 1st career homer, hitting .208.  Since this game was in Miami, he was able to get his home run ball returned to him.  He just had to wait until the fan who was sitting behind home plate, ran around the park and got it for him.