Kieboom Rengifo’s The Dynamite

Since the Jays were calling up Vladimir Guerrero Jr. today, the Nationals and Angels thought it was a good idea to drop their own sizzle in low-key fashion like wearing an Elmo doll at the Met Gala.  If Carter Kieboom is Barbara Hershey to Vladimir Guerrero Jr.’s Bette Midler, then who is Luis Rengifo?  That jerk husband of Barbara Hershey’s who held her back all of those years?  Bette’s giant Marmaduke?  Is it embarrassing that I know Beaches by heart?  Not at all!  According to Prospect Mike, Carter Kieboom’s outlook is, “Kieboom is a plus-hit/plus-power shortstop who split time between High-A and Double-A in 2018. His numbers dipped in the more advanced league, but he still hit .260 with five homers.  15-20 homers is a realistic power ceiling and he won’t sell out for it, meaning a decent average as well.  I’ve also become a decent dart-thrower practicing on a picture of Grey.”  What the eff, my dude?  Carter doesn’t have great speed, which is a bit of a bummer since that always translates, but he could hit for power and average as a middle infidel.  Hopefully, this means the end of days for Brian Dozier.  Remember, this is the team that promoted and played Juan Soto last year.  Mean’s while, the Angels called up Luis Rengifo.  Doesn’t his last name look like an acronym of an obscenity on social media?  “You really think Killary would’ve been better?  RENGIFO, grandma!”  The biggest question for me with Rengifo is Brad Assmunch.  Does he even know what he has?  I highly doubt it.  Watch him play La Stella over Rengifo.  Here’s what Prospect Mike said, “Rengifo can hit from both sides and he can basically play anywhere on the field. There’s also just enough power to make him really interesting if he sticks in the middle infield. He’ll probably get written off as a super-utility player, but he has a disciplined approach (75 walks, 75 strikeouts across three levels). Oh, and he swiped 41 bags this year to go along with seven homers and a .299 batting average. I know you’re not supposed to scout stat lines…but damn, that’s almost as sexy as the thought of Grey being run over by a car.”  C’mon!  Rengifo and Kieboom’s projections are both at the Prospectonator.  They’re, hmm, how do I put this?  Interesting.  Surprised to see Rengifo ranked above Kieboom for projections.  Think I’d go the other way with them, but they are slightly different, based on needs.  I do know I needs me some upside and added them in multiple leagues.  ALL ABOARD THE UPSIDE TRAIN!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Lester – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.37, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I want to say on the record I did not follow Susan into the gender neutral bathroom on purpose, or into her stall.”

Kenley Jansen – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA up to 3.55, and a home run allowed to Albert Almora Jr. (his 1st).  Jansen still got the save but when you’re giving up ding-dongs to Albora Malorda Jr., well…No pitchers are good this year, not even relievers.

Ross Stripling – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.65.  Maybe it’s me misremembering it, but it seems like an epidemic of 4 2/3 IP starts where the pitcher just needs one more out to get the win.  Wait a sec, maybe a side effect of the epidemic is the misremembering!  And you people make fun of me for wearing an aluminum-foiled hat.  Who’s laughing now?  Seriously, who?  I can’t hear you I have tinfoil in my ears too.

Jean Segura – On track to return from the IL on Saturday.  Or as it’s known in my house, “The one day Cougs sees me.”

Aaron Nola – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.68 vs. Caleb Smith – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.17.  Interestingly enough (not interesting at all), Smith looked much better than Nola in this game.  First, he was facing actual major league hitters.  Second, Nola wasn’t fooling anyone.  Bunch of hard-hit balls and previously mentioned terrible hitters swinging wildly at balls nowhere near the plate — side note:  Are we sure this Brinson thing is ever going to happen?  Third, there is no third.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer as he appeared on his 31st MLB team (he once played for the Pilots before they were the Brewers).  The Phils’ stacked lineup has lost Kingery, The Oft-Blighty Quinn and, well, somehow Aaron Altherr has a job again.  Let’s take this to a new blurb, shall we?

Aaron Altherr – 0-for-2 as he has a starting job again, or at least I’m told by Previous Blurb Grey.  Thanks, PBG!  Altherr’s going back to the bench once ODB returns, if not sooner, but I could see an NL-Only cheap bid.

Hector Neris – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.18.  Seranthony Hopkins, would you like some fava beans and a save chance?

Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .259.  “It feels wrong to throw him out of this Cessna while flying over the Greek Isles, even if he’s from here–Wait!  Castellanos just moved!  He’s alive!”  Honestly, this comes just in time because people were starting to ask to drop him, and my keyboard shortcut “It’s April” was wearing out.

Jordan Zimmermann – Left yesterday’s start with right elbow discomfort.  That might account for his poor pitching this year.  What led him to pitching poorly for the last five years is still to be determined.

Michael Chavis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games.  I’ve been telling you to pick him up, and I’ll say it again in this afternoon’s Buy column.  The one thing I can’t answer you, what you’re waiting for?

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 0-for-3, hitting .147.  The news out of Boston is louder than other places and I get sucked in by it too.  Any narratives that JBJ is somehow a better hitter this year than he was last year should be ignored always.  No matter the year.

Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .306.  He’s a 20/20/.310 guy, so when people are complaining about him, I don’t get it.  With a home run or a steal in the next week, he’s exactly on pace for exactly what he does every year.  This is what you signed up for.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.234567890123.  Okay, he has a 1.23 ERA, probably.  If you have a time machine, do you go back and tell your younger self to buy Apple stock or ignore Castillo’s horrendous Spring Training?  You can only choose one.

Leonys Martin – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer.  Dah!  I dropped him to pick up Kieboom.  Oh well, Kieboom’s going to be Scooter Gennett circa 2018, so we good.

Jake Bauers – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer.  This came in a game started by Trevor Bauer (8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks).  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two Bauers did something in a game since Jake Bauer took on his Iranian doppelgänger, Gilgamesh Bauer, in a game of horseshoes/hand grenades in the 8th season of 24.

George Springer – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer.  Not to careen out into a wall, taking a turn too fast on a victory lap, but Springer’s on pace for like 45 homers.  At least someone’s shoulder appears fine.  I’m farting in your general direction, Kris Bryant!

Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .341.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, as he was in last week’s and the week before that, when he was the featured buy.  Way to stay on top of things, guys and five girl readers.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.72.  Stunned — stunned, I tell ya! — by his season thus far, and his numbers show only signs of his ERA getting better.  I guess some pitchers can just throw 86 MPH and make it work for them.  Just not guys I target.  Or tar-jay, for the housewives reading along.

Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.06.  Someone mentioned in the comments the other day this and then I repeated it on the podcast this week, and now I’m saying it for a third time without taking the time to go back and see who said it, but they said, “Pirates’ pitching coach, Ray Searage, makes average pitchers great and great pitchers average.”  And that’s me quoting the person who I’m quoting who I don’t remember!  So true.  Searage elevates the mundane and wet blankets the fantastic.  Thank you, (person who I made) Anonymous (through sheer laziness)!

Cole Tucker – 2-for-4 as he hit leadoff.  Surprised to see him hit leadoff, the Pirates also have…Nope, they have no one else worth hitting leadoff!  Don’t worry, ***nt Hurdle will mess it up.

Taylor Hearn – 1/3 IP, 4 ER as he got his 1st start.  Taylor Hearn is okay, but I prefer Pork Roll.

Tim Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .304.  I’ve owned him in a 12-team mixed league since the Japan series, for what it’s Werth, and it should be Werth something since you’re reading this shizz.

Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.80.  He’s good, yadda³.  But how about the Mariners?  Next winter, every team is going to “rebuild.”  The only underwhelming player on the entire team is Mallex Smith, and that’s still a plus because it got that scrub Zunino off the team.

Tommy La Stella – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He has seven times more homers than Kris Bryant.  Hahahahaha–Kill me.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, but hitting .187 on an undercover cop.  So, maybe hot schmotato, but Kole is no diamond in the rough.

David Fletcher – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, hitting .301.  Move him to the leadoff slot, you imbeciles!

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.93.  Hard to start him anywhere, but the Streamonator loves his next start, and I could see it.  By the by, video below is of Rudy naming his tools — think we should start calling him, Dr. Rudy Doofenshmirtz:

Tyler Wade – 1-for-3, 1 run and two steals (4, 5).  Also stealing bags was DJ LeMahieu (2-for-5, 1 RBI, 1st steal) and Mike Tauchmann (0-for-4, 1st steal) off Cahill/Lucroy.  Worst flavor of sparkling water since Coconut.

Gio Urshela – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  If you had Gio Urshela down for 200+ ABs this year with the Yanks, you’re a witch and you put a hex on the Yanks.  By the by, the Angels are still worse than them!

Clint Frazier – Hit the IL with a sprained ankle.  “Now starting for the New York Yankees…in right field…Mell Hall.  Oh, this could get awkward during meet and greets with fans.”

Cameron Maybin – Traded to the Yankees.  Traded from where?  Retirement?  How many Yankees does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Three to sprain an ankle, five to hurt their oblique, one to plantar fascia their fasciitis, four to do some shizz to their shoulders and one Cameron Maybin.