Phils Host Blue Jays For Schwarber Day And Christmas

Yesterday, Jesus Luzardo went 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.32. On the Player Rater, he’s a what? Top 25 starter? Top 20 starter? Top 15 starter? C’mon, guess! I need you to guess! Bzzt wrongo! He’s around a top 10 starter. You weren’t expecting a vague answer, were you? Luzardo seems to manage incredibly valuable fantasy years while also dropping the occasional 5 IP, 8 ER turdwhatfucken to keep everyone honest. Ya know what? Lies are cool with me, man. I don’t need to be kept honest. Now, onto not lies, but Kyles, as in Kyle Schwarber. He went 2-for-3, 4 RBIs with a double slam (34, 35) and legs (3). He took the better part of July off (3 HRs, .231, and was hitting .148 with zero homers in August until yesterday). I’d say that’s his worst month in many years. Saying “many years” because I’m too lazy to actually look at his game log for the last five years or so. Here, at Razzball, you get the stats parsed in a way that gives you a general gist to what’s going on. That’s different than my high school band, The General Gist, where we’d perform songs in the general vicinity of a stage. You might remember our hit, “This Is Sorta The Melody.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.47, and left after taking a comebacker off his leg on Saturday. Earlier in the game, he passed the 2,000 strikeout mark. He’s the first pitcher with 2,000 career strikeouts and 2,000 homers allowed.

Max Scherzer – 5 1.3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.25. He officially passed Walter Johnson to become the tenth best strikeout pitcher in baseball history. Only 2,198 more to tie Nolan Ryan!

Shane Bieber – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.48. Bieber better be singing, “Sorry.”

Jackson Jobe – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA as he was activated. Here’s what I said the other day, “He was beset with elbow issues, and Tommy John surgery and had his family taken away from him and his possessions and God was testing Jobe. But he’s back now! He had a 1.76 ERA in five starts in the minors. Swoon! That was for a total of 15 1/3 IP. Opposite of swoon! He’s clearly not going to be able to throw many innings and him or a Streamonator pickup? Like a teamster smoking a cigarette, I’m leaning on the latter.” And that’s me quoting me! Of course, what we learned on Saturday is the Giants are as bad as any minor league team. Not trying to discount Jobe too much. He can be great, but how deep he can go into games is a concern. He threw 71 pitches on Saturday., i.e., he’s got 71 pitches and the Giants ain’t one.

Troy Melton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.58. Man, if the Tigers only had one more starter.

Logan Webb – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Webb gem!

Clay Holmes – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.86 as he was activated from the IL. I’m a fan of Holmes, but let’s not get carried away. He’s a backend fantasy starter. Rosterable, but iffy. Saying the same in yet another way. Streamonator, perhaps.

Matthew Boyd – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Yeah, Boyd! (In honor of Flavor Flav’s fantasy team name.)

Ian Happ – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Looking at Happ, and had a PTSD-like flashback to Brad Hawpe. Also, while we’re on the Cubs-Royals game, I just saw Starling Marte homer and I have to be honest, I thought he retired. Let alone hitting 5th!

Craig Kimbrel – Signed with the Royals. Oh, yeah, that’ll fix them. Yeah, that’ll do it. Congrats, you’re fixed.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.35 vs. Chris Sale – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Two HOFers facing each other in the heart of the pennant races, is there anything better? Besides, you rostering them for fantasy and doing well in your league, obviously.

Cam Schlittler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.21. “Next time I have to throw a 7 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks, and Jeff Gillooly his knees.” That’s Dylan Cease thinking about the AL Cy Young race.

Trent Grisham – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .213. He shouldn’t be leading off for the Yankees. He shouldn’t be leading off for the Savannah Bananas.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer. One more to go! So, appizzarently, I needed to project him for 45 homers. Aw shucks, more wonderful!

Grant Holmes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.47. This weekend two Holmes pitched, like some sorta lost Dr. Who episode. Streamonator doesn’t like Holmes’s next one, and I really don’t know what to make of him, besides his Soul Glo hair. His underlying stats are bad, but the Braves just be doing shizz with their starters.

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.52. His last three starts: 20 IP, 0 ER, 11 hits, 4 BBs, and 18 Ks. He became the Marlins’ record holder for most innings thrown wearing the teal and different shades of teal. A celebrated moment for the franchise which was commemorated with @FanDuelDeezNuts on X saying, “I had the under on six strikeouts, where does he live I want to mail him a present?”

Griffin Conine – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .265. The Nepo Baby feeds off the leather smell of his father’s wallet.

Walbert Urena – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.83. “Isn’t it awesome how regression comes out of nowhere like a blister on your lip the hour before a big date?” A deleted line from Alanis Morissette’s Isn’t It Ironic.

Jose Siri – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Could be a little hot stuffed potato–schmotato! Damn, Siri, your speech to text sucks.

Alec Burleson – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Saw MLB tweet that this home run’s exit velocity was 110 MPH. Not to be a total nerd-slash-hater like The Comic Book Guy, but if it’s not above 112, it doesn’t need to be mentioned.

Ivan Herrera – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, and a home run on Friday. Big weekend for Ivan. Something not said since Putski teamed up with Tito Santana.

Hunter Goodman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. Do you think it’s possible the Rockies signed Moniak to an extension and they thought he was Goodman? Remember, this is the Rockies.

Jacob Misiorowski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.76. Merely a Quality Start? Are you tired? Do you have the FATIGUE?! What is the meaning of this!? I need 6 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks, at the least!

Jake Bauers – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and caught stealing for the lesser publicized slam and “I got no legs” from the Kids movie.

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, and 4th homer this week. Ja-Chou, God bless you!

Kody Clemens – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .231. The Nepo Baby in his natural environment feeds off his father’s Ferrari and mother’s genes.

Brooks Lee – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer, hitting .240. If you drafted Kody Clemens and Brooks Lee instead of Vlad Jr. and Mookie Betts–Well,, you don’t need salt in the wounds.

Colson Montgomery – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .215. Took almost a full year in the majors, but the strikeouts finally caught up to him in the last month and a half (hitting around .190).

Gage Jump – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 44.6. Went into Fenway and said, “You don’t scare me!” and he was screaming at a mirror and someone was like, “Are you okay?” And he was like, “Oh, yeah, just psyching myself up.”

J.T. Ginn – 6 IP, 1ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Funny how quickly teams go hot to cold and the Sawx now look like they’re struggling. Or at least look like the team that would’ve been helped by Curtis Mead. For more than two at-bats.

Jake Bennett – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.17. 1st five starts: 33 IP, 0.82 ERA; last four starts: 23 IP, 5.09 ERA. Ja-Be ain’t jammin’.

Brandon Pfaadt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Since his recall: 47 2/3 IP, 23 Ks (lol), 1.32 ERA, 0.97 WHIP. If you ain’t Pfaadt, you ain’t nothing. Yo, Ding Dong, man, Ding Dong, yo.

Edwin Diaz – 4 IP, 5 ER, 8 hits, 3 walks, 2 blown saves since his return. I hope Timmy Trumpets ain’t seeing this.

Justin Wrobleski – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.44. Regression has come all at once for the Dodgers

Ketel Marte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .244. Ketel got old this year; who knew vodka aged?

Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Dodgers are struggling so much right now, EdRod is a gust of wind away from huge regression, and they couldn’t hit him.

Kyle Bradish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.61 vs. Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.87. You’ve heard me complain plenty about Bradish, but have you heard as much about deGrom? Do I need to step up my complaining game? Will they revoke my Jew card if I don’t complain every blurb? Bradish or deGrom on the Player Rater? Okay, deGrom, and not even close, almost a hundred spots difference. Though, neither that great.

Cade Povich – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.45, and pulled at 61 pitches with a 7-3 lead. [makes an over-exaggerated thumbs up]

Pete Alonso – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer, hitting .252. Albombso-so!

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 3rd homer this week and that they don’t let him face righties is incredibly stupid. He’s not in a pack of LLAMAS! (He screams and .00001% of the world knows what the hell I’m saying.)

Colton Cowser – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Went out with an O’s fan on Saturday, and I was telling him how frustrating the O’s are, and he was talking about how great the prospects were they got back for Adley and I’m convinced teams can tell their fans anything, and it doesn’t matter. Have the O’s been rebuilding for 15 years? Sure, but just wait until you see these next guys who will be ready to go once Gunnar, Cowser and Holliday are gone, and Pete Alonso looks like Chris Davis in his final years of his contract.

Gunnar Henderson – 0-for-4, 2 runs, 9th steal, hitting .213. As the Orioles scored 10 runs, I’d say ticker tease, but it’s more like ticker season.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Nimmo found one!

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, 3rd homer this week, hitting .283. It’s still a long shot, but if he gets to 20/40/.300, it’ll be such a great year for as much crap as I gave him. Fun The Jewels!

Jackson Merrill – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Since I was looking for Tatis, I looked for Merrill and he can realistically get to a 25/30/.260 year and that’s not awful! Less realistically, but possible, he can go 30/30. Those steals he added this year, after attending Josh Naylor’s offseason seminar at the Ramada Inn in Tangent, Oregon, titled, “Anyone Can Steal, Look At My Slow Ass.”

Griffin Jax – Hit the IL after being scratched with elbow discomfort. You mean a career middle reliever can’t just start throwing six innings a game as a starter? Shocked, I’ll tell ya. I’m sure the Rays had no idea, and have never before stretched out an arm they didn’t care about until it broke.

Ian Seymour – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Seymour reading my Griffin Jax blurb, “Uhh, I’m not going to be abused until my arm falls off, am I?” No, never! Haha, of course you are! I mean, not!

Emerson Hancock – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.35. Someone should hold a sign that reads “Kade Anderson” directly behind the M’s dugout. Manager Dan Wilson clearly bumped his head and forgot.

Hunter Greene – Undergoing elbow surgery and will likely miss most of the 2027 season. Listen, it sucks, and I’m not mad at him as much as I am at the team and every situation where this occurs. Why not have the surgery months ago? They knew he was effed; things don’t suddenly appear. I mean they do, but they did months ago if not last year. He went for an MRI on March 4th and was dealing with elbow discomfort in 2025. Could he have went for the surgery in September of 2025? It’s possible. Then he’d be ready to go March of 2027. Now, who knows. It’s very frustrating how teams deal with injuries.

Chase Burns – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.61. Crazy how pathetic the Nats’ lineup now looks. It went from genuinely dangerous to Corange and stinks. And regression still came for Burns!

Abimelec Ortiz – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. First off, can me talk about how great Abimelec was in Mr. Robot? Then as Freddy Mercury? Wow! The range! Nats’ manager Butera was sleeping one night and Marty McFly put Walkman headphones on him, woke him in his sleep and said he had to do platoons for everyone, except Corange, so as hot or cold Chaparro or Ortiz might be, it’s kinda tough to recommend outside of NL-Only.

Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.13. I like starts from guys that just elicit a: Huh. This start was a Huh.

Luis Robert Jr. – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. I need to say to drop Vlad Jr. to see if that gets him going.

Bubba Chandler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.26. I knew his ERA was over-5 at one point, so I figured he must’ve pieced together a few nice months to get where he is, and nope. I’d be wrong. He’s managed to piece together multiple months (June/July) around a 4.25 ERA. (He has been better in August, for what it’s Wuertz.)

Jared Jones – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.03. For ever-loving Ron Jeremy, it was the Mets!

Jake Mangum – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .303. Fun fact! Wrapping Silly Putty around a cigarette is Man gum.