Since the All-Star break, Joey Votto is hitting .399 with a .576 OBP. His season line is 27 HRs, 70 RBIs, 81 runs, slashing .316/.457/.567. Or as Reds manager, Bryan Price, would say, “I want to sew a sock puppet in Votto’s likeness, then put it on my c*** and–” Okay, maybe we shouldn’t ask Bryan Price, he can’t keep things PG-13. “PG-13 is for a man with a Cavapoo puppy. Real men take their Votto-faced, sock puppet and pay an old stripper to suck its f****** yarn until those little f******** eye rolly glue-on things that you bought at Michaels Arts & Crafts store roll up into its f******* sock eye sockets.” Yesterday, Votto had another big day in a 2nd half of lovely — 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. To recap, or just tell you for the first time, Rudy almost drafted Votto in the 2nd round of Tout Wars (it’s an OBP league). Rudy ended up getting Donaldson and is in first place, so I’ll be sure to bid a penny on eBay for the world’s smallest violin for him. But for 2016 fantasy, I have to think Votto is right there in the 2nd round again for all leagues, OBP or not. Good for Joey, making pitchers ‘roo the day! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Raisel Iglesias – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. I’m glad I drafted him in one 15-team league. I’m less glad I dropped him when he was inexplicably sent down. I have some choice words for Bryan Price, but he has more choice words. Sadly (unless you don’t own him), Raisel will likely be shut down shortly.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. Okay, okay, chill, Suarez, you don’t need to be racking up your profile for next year. Under the radar is just fine.
Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. After the game, Bourgeois laughed at people standing in line for bread. Bourgeois has hit in eight of his last ten games, while leading off. He hasn’t shown a ton of speed yet, but he has big-time SAGNOF ability.
Kyle Schwarber – Underwent an MRI on his rib. The MRI machine was at Tony Roma’s, because that’s a place for ribs.
Javier Baez – 0-for-1 as he didn’t start yesterday in favor of Tommy La Stella (1-for-3 and his 1st homer). *Deep breath, long sigh, stops in middle of sigh, eats a banana, checks voicemails, returns mom’s call, hangs up phone, continues sigh*
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. I’m likely going to jinx him right here, but how many times are we promised a top-flight prospect and they end up being yawnstipating? More times than Wil Myers has frustrated me over the past two years. On the other hand (were we using hands?), Bryant has more than delivered. Now to rank him in the top ten next year to see him fall into a six-month sophomore slump.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4 and his 27th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. This offseason, Hammel and Hendricks should write a thousand times on the chalkboard, “I will pitch as well as my peripherals indicate.”
Daniel Murphy – Left yesterday’s game with quad discomfort. He’s listed as day-to-day and should return by the weekend or, if you’re into R&B, Day2Day by The Weeknd.
Wilmer Flores – Excused for a family emergency. In related news, the stock price of Kleenex shot up.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd in three games. Yes, he gets benched on occasion. Yes, you should still own him.
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-5 and his 28th homer. Damn, Cousin Hundred-Legged Pants is doing work. Make me wanna do a split twerk. Make me want to listen to a phone tap like Herc. Make me wanna take that chair like The Jerk. Make me wanna go crazy like Markie’s brother, Bezerk.
Aaron Nola – 4 IP, 6 ER. “Excuse me, man with a shirt that reads, ‘I’m a Sandinista,’ could you watch my Pepsi while I got to the bathroom?” *five hours later* Wow, I feel 50 pounds lighter….Hey, where’s my lower half? AH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Darnell Sweeney – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He’s only been with the Phils for about ten games (acquired in Utley trade), and has been leading off and hitting for power. What he hasn’t done that he can do? Steal bases. He had 32 steals in three-quarters of a minor league season. Definitely worth looking at in deeper mixed leagues.
Maikel Franco – Felt discomfort in his wrist during batting practice. If this was him just pretending his wrist was sore to avoid returning and re-injuring himself, more power to him. Something needed to knock some sense into the Phillies’ head. Now, hopefully, he’s shut down until next spring.
Domonic Brown – Left due to concussion concerns after flipping over a fence, which led to an inside-the-park homer for Ruben Tejada (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, 3rd homer). Next time, Brown, just do the Little League move and throw your glove at the ball.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. OZUNA enjoys hitting at Turner Field. OZUNA favorite movie character is Turner. OZUNA 2nd favorite movie character is Hooch.
Christian Yelich – 4-for-5, 2 runs. Whether you call him The Preteener, Yelich or by his Christian name, uh, Christian, I’d go out on a pretty sturdy limb to say Yelich is going to be a sleeper for March Grey next year. He just battled some weird injuries and should bounce back. Remember, he’s very young. Dot dot dot. Very, very young. Very, very–Well, you know.
Hector Olivera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs. The most often asked question the last few days, “Grey, how do you stay so handsome?” 2nd most asked question, “Olivera or Baez?” Here’s a question in response, “Which one played yesterday?”
Steven Souza – Will begin rehab games on Saturday. He’ll likely return early next week, hit a few homers, steal a few bases, get us all jazz hands’y and then get injured again. If he’s available, I would stash him, which is not to say I’d print out his picture and draw a mustache on his face.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (16, 17). It’s cute when you vie for my love. Keep vying, you schmohawk!
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Just Peachy is the type to be able to hit five homers in four games, so if you’re struggling, I could see the flyer.
Erasmo Ramirez – 4 IP, 4 ER vs. Kevin Gausman 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER. I like, maybe even love, both of these guys, but there’s not enough time to worry about what their future is like past their next matchups.
Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 37th and 38th homers. All right, now go on a ten-homers-in-eight-games stretch. Thank you.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Yeah, I’m gonna be double-downing on this guy next year as a repeat sleeper, and might keep calling him a sleeper until he produces or changes his name to Brett Lawrie.
Kevin Jepsen – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Let me guess, Perkins has a sore something? Saves Ain’t Got No Face, but they do have a neck, back or oblique, apparently. Obviously, I’d continue to hold Jepsen. He’ll likely split saves with Perkins the rest of the year.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, and his 3rd homer in as many games. The Sanotebook is making me cry now for not owning him. It is completely irresponsible to prorate a guy that only has 51 games under his belt, but let’s be irresponsible! He’s on pace for 48 homers over the course of a season. Holy schnikeballs!
George Springer – Shooting for a Friday return. The NRA said, “You’re welcome.”
Taijuan Walker – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Scott Kazmir 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. I would’ve started Kazmir and sat Taijuan in this game. Goes to show you what I know. “Ah, c’mon, man, we’re not so bad!” Thanks, brain!
Logan Morrison – 1-for-1, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Nelson Cruz – Left with a strained quad. There’s the injury that he’s been long overdue for! Damn, he needs to update his phone, his iCal is way off.
Michael Wacha – Was skipped yesterday. I get it, you get it, we all get it. Limit young pitchers’ innings. The one thing I ask, and it’s kind of a minor thing — CAN WE KNOW THEY’RE BEING SKIPPED WITH MORE THAN A FEW HOURS NOTICE?! Caps for emphasis, not aesthetics.
Lance Lynn – Will be skipped this weekend due to his ankle. Ah, my weekly league just hit the trifecta. Only I’m not saying ‘fecta’ but I’m saying the mother of all curse words.
Brandon Moss – 3-for-5 and his 19th homer, and 4th homer in the last week. Okay, I get it, you’re hot, now chillax.
Kolten Wong – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Never count a Wong out. And never take a Wong out to count.
Stephen Strasburg – Won’t make his start on Friday. You know all this Effin Stressbird frustration hasn’t peaked yet, right? Nope, not even close. It won’t peak until he’s having a career year in 2016 when you don’t own him.
Tanner Roark – Will start on Friday in place of Strasburg. Mr. Roark is hoping to avoid getting Tattoo’d.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.89. For those that were worried about his last few starts, Scherzer has a 0.96 WHIP and 219 Ks. If that’s what you’re worried about, I want your worries.
Bryce Harper – Left yesterday with a tight glute. In laymen’s terms, it means he was too aggressive forcing out a fart.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and two more homers (15, 16). Now has seven homers in the past week. He should be owned in 100% of leagues. Yes, even that one where you’re going against eleven of your email aliases. The most hilarious (not funny at all) part of all of this? Next year, someone is going to draft him and be like, “I’ll take his 20 homers, thank you very much.” Little do they realize he hit all of his homers this year in one week after everyone who drafted him had already dropped him or quit and moved on to fantasy football or fantasy basketball.
Jayson Werth – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Well, he’s not glamourous, but he is hitting. Okay, he’s the least glamourous player since Ty Wigginton, but he’s hitting.
Andrew Heaney – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. According to the Stream-o-Nator, it loves Heaney’s next start, but all I can think of is Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, which makes me think of Superfly Snuka being arrested yesterday for murder. The only thing that can make this right is if Don Muraco is the prosecuting attorney.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer. I suggest when Pujols comes up to bat, all fans make an A-ok hand gesture, touching their forefinger to their thumb, then punch the person to their left in the shoulder. Can we start this?
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 3 runs, and back-to-back games with three hits. I’m glad he’s settled into the lead-off slot, but settling into the clean-up spot is David Murphy (3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI), which is a tad crummy with crackers.
David Freese – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs in his 2nd game back from the DL. That means only another week until his next injury.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, but left with a minor calf issue. Moo!
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Morales of the story? Get yourself in a good lineup.
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Off the top of my head, I’m going to say this was the most homers the Royals had in a game in two years. The top of my head is much smarter than the bottom of my head. Stupid chin.
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks. I don’t know what clicked about a month ago, but he’s been stunningly good in his last five starts with back-to-back 11-K games. Surprised to see he’s only owned in 70% of ESPN leagues, but I do think those numbers have a margin of error of about 50%.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 6 ER. Calling upstairs to Sonny, “Hey, boy, there’s some guys in rainbow spandex at the door, they say they’re your friends. They called themselves, The Regression Fairies.”
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and his 4th homer this week. Hot schmotato alert!
R.A. Dickey – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. When the knuckler’s working and he’s commanding his balls, Dickey is a sight to see. The preceding was also a quoted theater critic’s line featured on The Puppetry of the Penis playbill.
Marcus Stroman – Had a terrific rehab start in Class-A Lansing. Now he’ll head to Triple-A Buffalo, then could be back in Toronto. That sounds like a road trip no one in the history of cars has ever taken. Lansing to Buffalo to Toronto? What, no Poughkeepsie?
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. He has 111 RBIs on the year. There’s a month left. Yup. The best (not best) were the people who were worried in March about his knees on the turf. Yeah, really hurt him.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 26th steal as he leads off. Revere’s screaming the SAGNOF is coming, the SAGNOF is coming, and you’re standing there with a Twinkie you found inside your ski jacket that you haven’t worn in three years. Get it together, man!
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Ian Kennedy 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. I have Hamels going in Petco, and I’m all giddy, and, of course, he comes up against a Kennedy who’s in peak I-just-banged-Marilyn-Monroe’s-vulva-in-the-Oval form.
Adam Lind – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Definitely a guy that could jump on a hot schmotato magic carpet ride and fly on it for a few weeks.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 3rd homer in his last four games. Yeah, he’s hot, but you can’t expect me to get excited about it.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 8th homer, hitting close to .600 in the last week. About the hottest schmotato in the entire world, though the hot schmotato census was only sent out to 22 states.
Greg Bird – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. With Bird playing so well in Boston, the Red Sox are looking into signing a Ewing as retribution, but then their field crew better invest in some extra sand — that sweat ain’t going to dry on its own.
Stephen Drew – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .211. It’s almost like Drew stole Hardy’s career path of high homers and no average. This is a mystery for Young Adults.
Hanley Ramirez – Sat out again yesterday. Can someone please sneak into the Red Sox clubhouse and exchange Hanley’s uniform with a uniform that is painted the color of the bench, so Sandoval accidentally sits on him?
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Aw, sooky, the Bumgarner vs. Bogaerts home run chase is going to come right down to the final month!
Blake Swihart – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .350 in the last week. Hasn’t shown a ton of power, but he has been hot, and really that’s all that matters for a month-long Swihart.
Justin Morneau – Close to returning from his concussion. The Concusstador has been sidelined since May. Maybe now he’ll stop being the quarterback in the team building tag football games.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 7 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homers, one of which was a grand slam. Ah, Coors, you giveth and you giveth some more.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. *buys fifteen high-powered fans at Bed, Bath and Beyond, sets them up all around the couch, puts on Arenado jersey, turns on all the fans and sits there in a wind storm* “Grey, what are you doing?” “Nothing, Cougs, you wouldn’t understand.”
Paul Goldschmidt – Missed yesterday’s game in Coors Field due to the birth of first child. I don’t blame him or his wife or even the lounge singer they hired to play in the closet while they were making love. Nope, I blame you. Next time, look at the schedule for Diamondbacks games in Coors, then count back nine months, and during those days, you stand outside of Goldy’s house and throw rocks through his window every time the lights go off.