To paraphrase DJ Khaled, “We got a Minor key alert! Another one.” To paraphrase the cops that arrested Principal Rooney, “This is because of the Minors.” *Donald Trump looking at the Rangers’ rotation* “Glad to see Cole/Minor’s jobs are secure.” Over Mike Minor‘s last four starts, he has a 2.06 ERA, 18 Ks, 5 BBs and 15 hits in 26 innings, after his sparkling one last night when he threw 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.64. I know what you’re thinking, it was vs. the Padres. Right, one of those starts was, the other ones were the Astros, Twins and Rockies. So, it’s not all smoke and Minors. Minor’s peripherals are nothing to write home about (unless his family lives in the Appalachian Trail, then they might like to hear from a Minor) — 7.4 K/9, 2 BB/9, 4.50 xFIP. So, it’s been a good run (not Niko), but I can’t say I trust him in the big picture, unless it’s about Cole/Minor’s daughter, Loretta Lynn, played with spunk by Sissy Spacek (Spunky Spacek? Sissy Spunkit? Spunky Spunkit?). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Late last week as I was journeying through the Serengeti Plains with a local group of albino dwarves, I felt a tingling… a tingling deep within my gonads. My mouth started watering uncontrollably, like a beaver when he/she sees a perfect piece of timber, like a b*tch (female dog) in heat when she sees a Great Dane hop over the neighbors fence, his huge beautiful balls flapping in the wind like a kite during a hurricane; I couldn’t decipher the meaning, but then, seemingly out of nowhere, Darweshi, Dwarf Lord and one of the countless mentors who have helped me on my journey to enlightenment, grabbed me by the Geoduck, pulled me inches from his ivory colored lips, fumigating my lungs with the aroma of his hot ass-water breath and told me what I must do: “Reveal your true self to the people!” Darweshi commanded…
“Show the fine children of Razzball all of your talents, all that you bring to the table. Not just your phenomenal writing (His words, not mine), but your stage-trained acting skills you were taught by the gifted yet troubled Tom Arnold, the exhilarating dancing you learned from 15 years of tutelage under (not literally, unfortunately) the great and wise Paula Abdul, your fascinating original poetry that has some calling you a young Shel Silverstein, your rapier wit, your incredible body (which is seemingly molded from iron, steroids free…).”
It’s time to reveal…….LO-WELL, Thee Greatest Showman.” Taking in Darweshi’s lecture hit me like a 60-pound bag of butt plugs, for I have always wanted to maintain my private life, but after three peyote sticks and an intense game of Battleship, I concluded that Darweshi, King butt-breath himself, was correct… No more hiding behind my birth name of Tehol Beddict, for that man is now dead. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he had the potential to be the best that ever did it. Sadly, his gluttonous sexual appetite and desire to love every woman on the planet got in his way of becoming truly elite. Lo-Well has no such problems, for he has given up sex for life, had his genitals tattooed shimmery gold and sworn a vow to protect all of those who are weaker than he (everyone). I am back baby, recharged and with enough build up to choke that T-Rex hybrid in the new Jurassic Park flick. Cock the hammer and put the kids to bed! FOR IT’S TIME TO SLAY! HEED MY WORDS!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Anyway, here’s some of my thought about what’s going on in the world of baseball and some other random shizz…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greetings! I’m just feeling so grateful to be alive and to be given this international platform to share my thought process with you fine people. I’m even thankful for the haters, for without pond scum, there would be nothing for the snails to feast upon in the filthy mud puddles throughout this great land.
Today, I give you some players I plan on reaching on, and some I plan on avoiding in my upcoming drafts. I’m not necessarily passing on them because of their abilities or projections, but because I feel it necessary to do so on my prime path to glory. Originally, I was going to base this off of Grey’s rankings, but I looked, and as per usual, Grey’s thought process is pretty much on par with mine (I hope he’s not insulted by this), so I chose another fantasy lord I sort of respect in ESPN’s resident fantasy nerd, Eric Karabell, who I imagine as the spawn of Sky Sperling and Garth Algar. Many of you will be facing others who go off of ESPN lists, as they for some reason haven’t seen the light, and switched to 100 percent Razzball based advice, so this should give you a major advantage. That is, if I’m correct. If I’m wrong, forget I said any of the following.
I am Tehol Beddict, and these are my reaches and recoils! Take heed!
The 2018 Razzball Commenter Leagues are now open! Free to join with prizes! All the exclamation points!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did you hear about the Native American who wouldn’t leave the bathroom? He said home was where the TP was. Hey, this Drunk Uncle Jokebook isn’t that bad! August has been miserable for Jose Ramirez with a .200 average, zero homers and two steals until last night. You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Thankfully, the eggs he broke last night were the goose eggs representing his power numbers as he went 2-for-3 with his 19th and 20th homer, and his 14th steal. Babies babble on, they lookin’ for excuses. Not here to make excuses for Jo-Ram, but this was his first terrible month in two years. Even Rhysus rested one day a week. His righty/lefty splits are both at .298, which is odd since he’s hitting .300. Did he go 0-for-1 against someone who spit the ball at him? *intern whispers in my ear* I see, the .298 righty/lefty splits were before last night. You learn something gnu every day. Spelling will be tomorrow! Assuming Jo-Ram rebounds for his standard month in September, it’s going to be hard to be too down on him in the non-sexual way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On the ones and twos, it’s not DJ Khaled, with a cigar in his baby’s mouth, dropping another one in a major key. It’s yo’ boy, DJ LeMahieu (4-for-5, 4 runs, 1 RBI), the French-sounding EDM mixmaster, spinning his wheels around the bases. Yo, DJ LeMahieu, what you got to say about that? “Pouvez-vous chicken francaise?” Yo, you sound like me pretending to be French! Next up throwing down, it’s Mark Reynolds (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer), the man, the myth, the Mini Donkey. All brays to you! Then how about Trevor Story (3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers) finding his way into back-to-back home run games, like succinylcholine finds its way into back-to-back Forensic Files. Then there’s Carlos Gonzalez…Actually, you still suck! So, the Rockies, scored (fill-in-number, too high to count) last night, and Jon Gray did all he had to do — 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, which in Coors is all you can ask. His peripherals are gorgeous — 8.6 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.59 xFIP, but something I failed to remember this past preseason, it’s still a struggle to start him in Coors. I mean, shizz gets ugly fast like a reality TV person at a reunion show. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
This week, “Beef” Welington Castillo took a foul ball right to his “beef.” Which made me question — do major league baseball players ever wear cups? Especially catchers? I know they’re awkward, bulky and uncomfortable, but the alternative is genital mutilation. (This has to be the first genital mutilation reference on Razzball, right? Wait…Grey must have written it at least once.) When I was a kid playing baseball it felt like I was always taught that a cup was the most important piece of equipment I had to wear. The older kids would tell horror stories about coaches who would do cup checks by letting a bat pendulum swing into your crotch. While wearing a cup and jock strap as a kid was an uncomfortable experience, the fear of a sadistic sociopath of a coach crushing my manhood was much worse.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kinda ridiculous that Odubel Herrera is the first player to get two ledes this year, but this is because they both came on short schedule days and I’m the only one that likely knows this, so let’s just move on! ODB’s hot like Mariah’s fire. Mariah’s fire is the dragon breath she breathes right before her morning ritual of firing a staffer. “Who sprinkled my slippers with gold dust? It’s Tuesday! Tuesday’s slippers get sprinkled with powdered sugar so the squirrels follow me like it’s a Disney movie!” That’s Mariah TCOB. Ooh, idea! I’m gonna do the rest of this in acronyms. ODB TCOB SAGNOF UB40–Ugh, I failed at that exercise. Grey does not equal a 14-year-old girl texting. I told you yesterday if you take nothing else from the roundup, take away that you should grab Odubel. And that’s me reiterating me! Seriously, he’s 8-for-13 over the last three games with two homers. Grab him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Excuse me for one second, there’s a doorbell ringing. *opens door* “Luigi! Paisan! What are you doing here?” To you, “This is Luigi, my tailor. And, yes, I’m addressing you, the audience, like it’s Sesame Street.” “Grey Liotta, as you insist I call you, I saw Michael Conforto had a huge game – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and hit his 12th and 13th homers, now hitting .333 with a .425 OBP — and I say I have to go see my favorite customer to let out his inseam.” “Ah, Luigi! You know me better than anyone, except my mustachioed mother and even more stereotypical Italian barber!” On a serious note, what Michael Conforto is doing now is why the Mets should promote Amed Rosario. Reyes, Walker, yadda, blah, blooie are not going to lead to anything of note. Maybe they have a good game or two, maybe a solid week, but, in the end, you have *raspberries lips* and Rosario still with no major league experience. Not even saying Amed’s the answer like Iverson, but you have to give guys a chance over these third-rate vets that lead you nowhere. If the Mets had given Conforto the at-bats all last year, he might’ve came out of his 1st half slump and carried them in the 2nd half and thru the playoffs. As for those who don’t know me as well as Luigi, I’ve always said Conforto would be an All-Star at some point. This is not out of nowhere, nor someone to sell high. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The title reminds me of an old joke — stop me if you’ve heard it — a guy with a wooden eye walks into a bar and pours out his heart to the bartender, “My wife left me, she said I had a bad temper, and, with this disability — this wooden eye, I will never find another girl.” The bartender puts down the glass he’s shining because that’s what bartenders do to talk and says, “I’m not going to lie to you, your wooden eye could be a problem. You need to find a girl with problems of her own. How about you try that girl by herself on the dance floor? The one with the big ears.” So the guy with the wooden eye downs his shot of whiskey, wipes his mouth with his sleeve and approaches the girl, “Do you wanna dance?” She swoons, “Would I?” “F*ck you, Dumbo!” So, Alex Wood is in Coors tomorrow. Um, yeah, no thank you, but this is about the bigger picture. Well, not too big of a picture, because the Dodgers have about sixteen starters on the DL, so at some point Wood might not be in the rotation. He is now, though, and he’s lovely. He has a 11.5 K/9. That would be the fifth best starter K-rate and better than his rotation mate, Kershaw. Wood has a 2.49 xFIP, which would be third in the majors for starters, behind only Chris Sale and Pineda. To touch on stats that actually matter, his ERA is 2.73, and he’s been unlucky! You’d be hard-pressed to find one area where Wood is not excelling. Am I grabbing him in all leagues? Of course! Wait, are you asking, ‘would I?’ F*ck you, Dumbo! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If players are going to break out in a season, they don’t always break out the first week of a season. I’m reminded of another Phillies player, Dominic Brown. The year he broke out, it didn’t happen until June of that year. Of course, in subsequent years, his swing got long like Don Johnson’s in The Harrad Experiment and rather than working his way back in the cages, Brown was preoccupied with avoiding his stalker, Tehol. This brings us to another potential breakout, Aaron Altherr. Or as Mystikal calls him, Altherr. You don’t have to be scurred, he’s doing his thang. Altherr hit two more homers yesterday (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .351), and is one of the hottest players in the majors this week. Of course, this won’t continue, but to what degree will this tail off? By the way, I want to be a judge at a twerking competition called a Tail Off. In the minors, he’s shown speed (20-ish) and power (teen-ish). With his Ks and BABIP, his average will come down a long way (maybe .250), but I see no reason why he can’t be a 17/20/.250 hitter on the year, and definitely a must own. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?