Excuse me for one second, there’s a doorbell ringing. *opens door* “Luigi! Paisan! What are you doing here?” To you, “This is Luigi, my tailor. And, yes, I’m addressing you, the audience, like it’s Sesame Street.” “Grey Liotta, as you insist I call you, I saw Michael Conforto had a huge game – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and hit his 12th and 13th homers, now hitting .333 with a .425 OBP — and I say I have to go see my favorite customer to let out his inseam.” “Ah, Luigi! You know me better than anyone, except my mustachioed mother and even more stereotypical Italian barber!” On a serious note, what Michael Conforto is doing now is why the Mets should promote Amed Rosario. Reyes, Walker, yadda, blah, blooie are not going to lead to anything of note. Maybe they have a good game or two, maybe a solid week, but, in the end, you have *raspberries lips* and Rosario still with no major league experience. Not even saying Amed’s the answer like Iverson, but you have to give guys a chance over these third-rate vets that lead you nowhere. If the Mets had given Conforto the at-bats all last year, he might’ve came out of his 1st half slump and carried them in the 2nd half and thru the playoffs. As for those who don’t know me as well as Luigi, I’ve always said Conforto would be an All-Star at some point. This is not out of nowhere, nor someone to sell high. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Asdrubal Cabrera – Began a rehab assignment. I don’t want to question the vast medical knowledge of the Mets’ doctors. However, Cabrera said he had a torn thumb ligament about ten days ago. I don’t know, maybe don’t rush him back. Just guessing here.
Matt Harvey – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 5.36. We have a lot to get to so I don’t want to belabor this, but 5 IP, 2 ER and four walks vs. the Padres is a 4 IP, 6 ER game vs. a normal offense.
Dinelson Lamet – Called up by the Padres to start on Thursday. *yawn* Wait, he has a 11.5 K/9 in Triple-A! *searches name on Razzball for what Prospector Ralph has said about him* He called him a BORP? Hmm… *searches what the hell a BORP is, wonders if he misspelled VORP, seriously confused, need nap, five hours later, claps* I’m back! Did you miss me? So, Lamet looks like a bullpen arm. He’s nasty, but the command is so all over the place that he could give up 3 ER in 5 IP without allowing a hit. He’s one of those types. I will say after this clunky way to open a sentence, pitchers that have weak command and high Ks can surprise in their first taste of the majors because hitters don’t know to wait on them. BORP, by the by, bottom of the rotation pitcher.
Trevor Cahill – MRI on his shoulder revealed no damage, and he’ll throw again in about two weeks, then rehab, then setback, then throw, then rehab– You get the picture.
Jhoulys Chacin – 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Remind me never to start this schmohawk in an away game ever. Jhoulys has been tightened!
Jameson Taillon – Threw 25 pitches off the mound yesterday. No timetable yet for his return, but this sounds encouraging. F*ck cancer right in its hairy arsehole, which I would say even if I didn’t own Taillon on an NL-Only team.
Matt Adams – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Somebody’s flaunting their new yoga bod.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.64. After the game, he said he’s pitching with multiple blisters but will pitch through them until they build up calluses. Aaron Sanchez, Rich Hill, Taijuan Walker, do you hear this? Calluses, you jackasses!
Jon Lester – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Could someone check Lester for horse teeth? Just wanna make sure I’m not getting gypped out of Lackey’s stats. By the way, Dictionary.com (no relation to Kim Dot Com) tells me ‘gypped’ is derogatory, so if any gypsies are reading, my bad. I do enjoy your tambourine playing.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .186. Good news, the homer. Bad news, his three other at-bats were terrible, and Heyward homered (his 4th).
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .224. HR to the Rizzo!
Alex Cobb – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Was super happy to see him come back out for the 8th inning to face Trout and Pujols, and then leave to watch Lord Farquhar allow them both to score. Really, super happy.
Matt Shoemaker – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.97. This start was Cobb vs. The Cobbler. A licks Cobb vs. M-strudel Cobbler. If you don’t know what I’m talking about with M-strudel, listen to yesterday’s podcast. Any hoo! I find myself streaming Angels starters a lot due to the Stream-o-Nator, and the Angels have the 9th best starter ERA in the majors.
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and over .500 in the last week, and has been mentioned by me every day of it. Hot schmotato alert!
Robinson Cano – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I had my hand in my front pants pocket and pressed the elevator button, and Sheila from HR, thinks I pressed the elevator button with my penis. Am I getting fired?”
Christian Bergman – 4 IP, 10 ER. That start was so bad by this Christian it’s making Kirk Cameron rethink his life choices.
Joe Ross – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (zero BBs), 6 Ks, as he was activated from the DL. I gave you my thoughts on Ross yesterday, but I’d ignore that. It’s never too late for a fantasy baseball ‘pert to change his mind, backpedal or hedge. This start by Ross changes everything for me. You throw an eight-inning gem and that happens. I’d absolutely go back in on him, and hope he’s back to who he was last year vs. earlier this year.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .278. Good news (for me), I started him for this multi-homer game. No, I will never get over that sonavabench.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .372. I think if I give him enough blurbs, I’ll jinx him into regressing. My apologies to his owners, but there’s more of us, his non-owners.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .346 with a .454 OBP. Like a Catholic School girl, this might rub some the wrong way, but I think if Harper or Trout are both hot, Harper’s the better of the two. Trout’s for sure more dependable though.
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.80. You know what’s happening here, right? He’s setting me up to like him next year like Using-My-Fantasy-Team-As-Your-John Lackey! Yes, I’m still mad about Lackey!
Mike Moustaskas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .250. Moistasskiss!
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .266. Yikes. I didn’t realize Cain was doing that poorly. That’s, how do you say, unownable.
Jorge Bonifacio – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .267. George Goodface could be a light hot schmotato.
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting near-.325 in the last week with two homers. You’re not getting excited about Merrifield, are you? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.92 vs. Jordan Montgomery – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30. This matchup was billed as, “Grey doesn’t truly trust either pitcher, but he’s at least owning Duffy in mixed leagues.” As you can imagine, not many people called it by its billing.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. “Gardner’s hitting! Hicks is hitting! If only we could play both at the same time! There’s no one to bench!” Girardi sighs and walks away. We reveal that Ellsbury has painted his locker with pinstripes so Girardi won’t see him.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. No foolsies, if Carter hit every day out of the six hole, he’d have 35 HRs and 85 RBIs.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. This would be Chris Carter if he played every day. Okay, I’ll move on.
Sam Travis – Red Sox called him up to face lefties and play 1B and Moreland is now a platoon player. C’est la vie. Or say, “Effin crap,” if you own Moreland. Prospector Ralph actually wrote a full Sam Travis sleeper last year. I think that was prior to me sitting down with Ralph and saying, “How about less Red Sox posts? Thanks, buddy,” then patted him on the butt and sent him on his way. Travis is a poor man’s Moreland. I will call him, Mitch Studio Apartment.
Jesse Hahn – 2 IP, 5 ER, but left with a strained triceps. All three of them!
Yonder Alonso – 1-for-2 and his 13th homer, but left after getting hit by a pitch. X-rays came back glass half-empty. I shouldn’t have used a thesaurus for ‘negative’ there, huh?
Ryon Healy – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .260. I’ve said this before, but it’s late and I’m saying it again. We’re gonna get to September, see Healy with 27 HRs and be like, “Why didn’t I just own him?”
Justin Bour – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 28th homer in the last ten days. Okay, small exaggeration, but Bour is on one, and one is good, I think. Ask a millennial.
Junior Guerra – Said he will return this Friday vs. the Diamondbacks. I didn’t like him in the preseason, and have major doubts about what he can do in the majors, even after his 2016 season, but this ain’t the preseason, and if you’re struggling with injured pitchers, I could see the Guerra flyer, i.e., War, what’s it good for, maybe absolutely something.
Jonathan Villar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th, 11th and 12th steals, hitting .220. Apparently, Villar has a strong resemblance to Alyssa Milano and Russell Martin wouldn’t stop him from taking an extra base. “You wanna go to third? Aw, heck yeah!”
Carlos Carrasco – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Indians must’ve been hanging out with the Mets in the offseason, because we’ve been getting a lot of, “He’s totally, really, utterly, awesomely fine!” Then he’s not.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers. “Um, guys, can you just crack the Edwin Buy Low Window for a second? My finger’s caught.”
Yan Gomes – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the past three games. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.43. “Cougs, I want to have ‘McCullers’ engraved on our wedding bands. It’s him or us.”
Yulieski Gurriel – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .269. You know who he reminds me of? Grace Under Fire’s Brett Butler? No! What? I’m going to tell you if you give me a chance. He reminds me of James Loney.
Kolten Wong – Remains out with soreness in his elbow. Funny, in high school I’d watch Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time music video, get soreness in my elbow and, rather than ‘tennis elbow,’ I’d say it was my ‘Wong elbow.’
Lance Lynn – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 Hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.53 vs. Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.01. This game of Lynn vs Kershaw reminded me of The Challenge Champs vs. Pros and how Johnny Bananas is lifting the game of gold medalists.
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-5, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. Every player is either on the DL, just coming off the DL or about to go on the DL. This is indisputable.
Joc Pederson – Collided with Puig in the outfield and took a brutal forearm shiver to the head, then fell into the wall, then a lion ran out and mauled him. Puig looked less affected. He kinda looked like the wall after a crash test dummy test. “I’m good, wear your seatbelt, let’s go again.”
Chris Herrmann – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Guess who had him/her in their lineup? This guy with two thumbs, two eyes and one glorious mustache.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Boy, he makes me sing (bam-ba-Lamb)! Wait, that was yesterday.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .195. I don’t own him, but as a note of consolation to his owners, I do think he’ll go on a ten-homer in 12-game stretch at some point.
Andrew Knapp – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Laura Holt, our deep web/deep league mistress, highlighted Knapp a few weeks ago. He’s a two-catcher league guy whose name looks like a hurried attempt to get a note to someone in an emergency. “What does this note mean with this intricate drawing of Andrew Knapp?” “Oh my God, Andrew was kidnapped! Hmm, he could’ve just wrote that rather than the charcoal sketch.”
German Marquez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. The Nazi who emigrated to South America aka German Marquez has matchups appeal, but maybe I’m old school, maybe I’m an old fool, but I don’t mess with Rockies starters in home games.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. *spritz, spritz* That’s nothing. *blows on wrists to dry cologne* I’m Chazz Noir.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. In anticipation of a Rockies homestand, I’m already starting to see how I can stash second-tier Rockies players. Oh, and I have a drinking game that’s not a drinking game. Every time I write ‘stash,’ you have to look at my picture.
Trevor Story – Was activated from the DL and benched. From Whitey Herzog’s book, “Managing All Types: Young to Old,” he says, “With young players, it’s important break down their confidence until they are a shell of their former selves and then, and only then, you can begin to build them back up. This was done to Willie McGee when we had an “E.T. Lookalike Contest” that he always won, and it was done with Tommy Herr when we only used female pronouns with Herr.” Of course, this is untrue! Who activates a player and then benches him for Alexi Freakin’ Amarista?! In case you weren’t concerned about Story bouncing back, you should be now.