Greetings! I’m just feeling so grateful to be alive and to be given this international platform to share my thought process with you fine people. I’m even thankful for the haters, for without pond scum, there would be nothing for the snails to feast upon in the filthy mud puddles throughout this great land.
Today, I give you some players I plan on reaching on, and some I plan on avoiding in my upcoming drafts. I’m not necessarily passing on them because of their abilities or projections, but because I feel it necessary to do so on my prime path to glory. Originally, I was going to base this off of Grey’s rankings, but I looked, and as per usual, Grey’s thought process is pretty much on par with mine (I hope he’s not insulted by this), so I chose another fantasy lord I sort of respect in ESPN’s resident fantasy nerd, Eric Karabell, who I imagine as the spawn of Sky Sperling and Garth Algar. Many of you will be facing others who go off of ESPN lists, as they for some reason haven’t seen the light, and switched to 100 percent Razzball based advice, so this should give you a major advantage. That is, if I’m correct. If I’m wrong, forget I said any of the following.
I am Tehol Beddict, and these are my reaches and recoils! Take heed!
The 2018 Razzball Commenter Leagues are now open! Free to join with prizes! All the exclamation points!
Players I’m reaching on:
Bryce Harper – Karabell has Harper ranked 10th overall… Meaning, he must have forgotten his nuts taken from him at his last Magic Cards tournament. Seriously Eric, lay off the Werewolf jizz my goodman. It’s clearly causing you delusions that not even Doctor Who can help you with. I suppose it’s executable to be betting on injury here, as there’s no other excuse for this f*ckatry, but I’m willing to bet you’re third testicle against my Ferrari, that Harper wins the NL MVP this season, in what is his contract year, in which he plans on to surpass 400 million clams (and by clams I don’t mean women’s Vajayjays). I’m talkin’ MONEY, something you clearly have more of these days as you’ve attempted a complete makeover. It looks good on you. But seriously, Harper hit about .320 last year with 29 bombs in over 200 at-bats less than Mookie Betts who I took second overall last year. Yes, Mookie steals bags but Harper had a .413 OBP, and did I mention he’s in a contract year and the Nationals get Adam Eaton back this year. And the Elder Gods tell me it’s possible that if I sacrifice enough goats, Matt Wieters will finally move past being an epic failure in every sense of the word (words?), and have a monster year.
Before you piss in my Diet Mountain Dew, let me tell you I’m not dogging Mookie Betts. Yes, he was disappointing last year, but obviously still had a nice seasson. I believe he will improve upon those numbers and have a monster year, I just believe Harper is going for 50-plus with a high average, which is tough to beat. Again, you can’t go wrong either way, I’m just saying if you’re in a league where the Harpie falls to 10th, where Karabell has him, pounce on him the way Christian Slater does ANY audition that’s given to him before he realizes it’s a cruel joke by the writers and show runners he used to piss on behind the scenes. Broken Arrow was on yesterday. Classic.
Giancarlo Stanton – Oh Eric, as I sit here, lathered in liquid caramel sauce, being licked up and down by a basset hound and your mother, I can’t help but wonder if young Giancarlo slighted you in some way during your illustrious career. Did he soak his used jockstrap in your Powerade while you were admiring Ichiro’s stretching routine? Besides the fact that you should be honored to drink that savage’s ass and sack sweat/dingles, you should be ashamed for putting this Elder blessed being behind four starting pitchers and a multitude of other frauds I don’t have the time to break down. We are speaking of a man who hit FIFTY NINE homers last season, with half his games in that embarrassingly gigantic and hideous stadium. He is now coming to New York, a place where Nick Swisher went 30 and 90 like clockwork, and now he’s hitting in a lineup with Judge Dredd and Gary Franchise. Anything less than breaking the Major league record for home runs (pre-roids) would be a disappointment.
Manny Machado – Machado played worse than the Ready Player One reviews for a nice chunk of last season and still managed 33 and 95. He’s now at SS, and about to hit 45 bombs, 100 RBI and 15 or so steals. You do the math while I take a bath and when I come back you can tell me how Machado isn’t a top-five pick even though he’s winning the 2018 offensive player of the year award… Do they do that in baseball like the do in football? Gods I pray not, for that’s the lamest award ever. Like, the MVP is the offensive player of the year, or should be anyway. Don’t give me that garbage. Such a dogshizz award. Makes my sack shrivel like a prune during Summer Solstice in the Mojave Desert. I’m taking Machado in the top-five overall, and Karabell the Elder has him at ninth overall. Not a huge disparity here, just wanted to point out my unhealthy obsession.
Now, for some quick hitters…
Jayson Werth – Just kidding
Gary Sanchez – Grandaddy Grey made fun of me for drafting this legend “early” last season, and has cried himself to sleep in shame for the entire offseason. Kind of like I do after watch pegging on RedTube. Mark him down as EASILY the number one catcher. Karabell has him at 59 and he’s in my top-30.
Byron Buxton – I’m assuming Grey has Buxton’s teammate Max Kepler going in the top-10 overall based on his upside after last year’s monster season, but my favorite is Lord Byron, who I’m projecting a 30/30 season for, making him a third round pick for me. Karabell has him at 54 which isn’t THAT far off, but I’ll be reaching while others are sleeping.
Miguel Sano -This has to be the year, right? RIGHT!?!?!?!? 45 homers and 120 plus RBI. Karabell has at 66, whereas I’ll reach and take him in the fifth round if necessary.
Matt Olson – Karabell has him at 98th, but I’ll take him in round seven. I’m a believer in taking risks, wether it’s going condom free with a hill tribe member I met in Madagascar, surfing with self-inflected puncture wounds in Coffin Bay, Australia, and especially in regards to fantasy baseball drafts.
Shohei Ohtani – If you want to gift me the Japanese Babe Ruth at pick 103, where Karabell has him, PLEASE, be my guest. Where else can I get a pitcher who’s going to strike out over 200 batters and give me 20-plus bombs in a now potent lineup? In my homeland, we refer to this as “the old double stuff”, and I’m not talking Two Girls, One Cup if you catch my drift. Beautiful short film by the way.
Christian Yelich – Eric the Dread has Yelich ranked at a respectable 49th overall, where I’m gambling that Yelich bends Karabell over a barrel and shows him all 50 states. The min-breakout sort of happened last year, but, now, Yelich is in Milwaukee, otherwise known as the yard that everyone rakes, and I’ll take 30-plus bombs with great numbers across the board. We will soon be referring to Yelich as “The Milkman”, for he’ll be milking all his owners prostates with his MVP caliber season.
All starting pitchers – Drafting a starting pitcher in the first three rounds is just something the Elder Gods frown upon. The fact is, pitchers are more injury prone that position players. If I had a stat to back that up, I’d place that here. Also, I feel like I’m intelligent enough to read Razzball every day and pick up the under the radar hogs that Grey and Rudy suggest, and the high upside young guns a bit later. No, I will not be drafting 35-year-old Justin Verlander in the top three or four rounds. No, I won’t be taking Clayton Kershaw in the top ten, and no, I’ve never gotten over the time I made love to a beauty in Thailand I later realized was a man. Speaking of men, I expect Luis Severino to have a monster year. Just a bit of knowledge to partake.
Kris Bryant – I have owned Kris Bryant in a dynasty league the last couple years, and believe me, it was quite the joy-ride for a bit….and then last year happened. 29 dongs and a paltry 73 RBIS?!?!?! I remember him being mentioned in the MVP race last year and threw up in my mouth. Based on what!?!?!?!? I’m assuming he will crush this year and get to 40 and 100, but I don’t reach on bounce backers, especially ones that broke my heart just a season ago. He’s in Karabell’s top 10, whereas I kept Stanton over him, who I mentioned Karabell has at 19.
Xander Bogaerts – Fool me once, shame on the guys who told me Bogaerts was a hog in the making. Fool me twice, Shame on my readers who promised me Bogaerts would be crushing 30-plus yacks a season. Fool me three times, which last season would make, take my nuts and bang them shitz wit a spiked bat. BLAAAAAW! I just can’t quit this guy, and assume I’ll end up with again somehow. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Mike Trout – Due for a fall-off of Nicolas Cage proportions, the two-time MVP has looked like no better than average in spring training in my eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if he hits under 20 homers and steals less than 12 bases…….You would have to be snorting lines of bath salt to think I’m being serious right now. Just picturing the rage and hatred you were about to spew in the comment section was worth the three minutes it took me to write this blurb.
Thank you for joining me on this information-packed journey I like to call, Beddictism. Please leave your questions and comments below, follow my YouTube channel and basically support me in everything I do, as I’d do the same for you. Let’s just pretend I would, aaaahkay? Let’s chat later.