Late last week as I was journeying through the Serengeti Plains with a local group of albino dwarves, I felt a tingling… a tingling deep within my gonads. My mouth started watering uncontrollably, like a beaver when he/she sees a perfect piece of timber, like a b*tch (female dog) in heat when she sees a Great Dane hop over the neighbors fence, his huge beautiful balls flapping in the wind like a kite during a hurricane; I couldn’t decipher the meaning, but then, seemingly out of nowhere, Darweshi, Dwarf Lord and one of the countless mentors who have helped me on my journey to enlightenment, grabbed me by the Geoduck, pulled me inches from his ivory colored lips, fumigating my lungs with the aroma of his hot ass-water breath and told me what I must do: “Reveal your true self to the people!” Darweshi commanded…

“Show the fine children of Razzball all of your talents, all that you bring to the table. Not just your phenomenal writing (His words, not mine), but your stage-trained acting skills you were taught by the gifted yet troubled Tom Arnold, the exhilarating dancing you learned from 15 years of tutelage under (not literally, unfortunately) the great and wise Paula Abdul, your fascinating original poetry that has some calling you a young Shel Silverstein, your rapier wit, your incredible body (which is seemingly molded from iron, steroids free…).”

It’s time to reveal…….LO-WELL, Thee Greatest Showman.” Taking in Darweshi’s lecture hit me like a 60-pound bag of butt plugs, for I have always wanted to maintain my private life, but after three peyote sticks and an intense game of Battleship, I concluded that Darweshi, King butt-breath himself, was correct… No more hiding behind my birth name of Tehol Beddict, for that man is now dead. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he had the potential to be the best that ever did it. Sadly, his gluttonous sexual appetite and desire to love every woman on the planet got in his way of becoming truly elite. Lo-Well has no such problems, for he has given up sex for life, had his genitals tattooed shimmery gold and sworn a vow to protect all of those who are weaker than he (everyone). I am back baby, recharged and with enough build up to choke that T-Rex hybrid in the new Jurassic Park flick. Cock the hammer and put the kids to bed! FOR IT’S TIME TO SLAY! HEED MY WORDS!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Anyway, here’s some of my thought about what’s going on in the world of baseball and some other random shizz…

Bryce Harper – Bryce, my good man, am I frying on acid or did you turn into Adam Dunn? Tis true, you are tied for MLB lead with 18 money shots, and you have one less walk than you do strikeouts, which is super cool, but what’s up with that batting average? You must be higher than John Belushi on a Saturday Night (you know, before he died from drugs), if you think you’re getting 400 million silver dollars. Mix in the fact that you’ve been injury prone and your team chokes more often than Shyla Styles (RIP the Queen) when she’s (was) blowing police officers to avoid traffic tickets. Call me concerned. Fun fact: Bryce Harper HAS ONE season where he’s hit 30 or more home runs. ONE!!!!! Well, plug my holes and call me Giselle, that blows my mind real proper like. As a matter of fact, Andrelton Simmons is well on his way to massacring you in WAR for the THIRD straight year! I just took the rabbit out my shorts and am awaiting my applause.  Thank you Jay Wrong, you’re too kind, my friend. [Jay’s Note: Uh, sure thing.]

Manny Machado – Baltimore management is going to feel like me, after the time I farted while orgasming four strokes into the hottest woman I’ve ever been intimate with, if Machado gets hurt before they are able to trade him. Sadly, nobody wants to give up anything of significance for a player who’s going to more than likely leave the team after the season… Or should the Yankees get this done and stick him at third next to Gleyber Torres and pay him whatever he wants? Can you imagine? Oooochie Wallie, ooochie bang bang. Or hey, what about the Astros? Even if it’s just for the season, they might be desperate to improve that lineup as it looks like the Yankees and Red Sox may be a cut above them currently. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

Sergio Romo –  Incredible! The first man in my lifetime to start multiple games and close one, all in the same week! Even more impressive, I once saw a stripper in Tijuana sh*t out three eggs and make an omelet right there on stage! Of course, Romo was blown up in all three of his last outings, making the managerial decision questionable at best. Kevin Cash is a wily man, so who am I to question what the Rays are doing………This mish-mash of bums is somehow two games over .500. Kudos.

Rougned Odor – Checking in with Grey Albright, the greatest writer in fantasy sports history, if he still owns Odor after drafting him in the second round for the tenth year in a row. I called animal services on him the other week for beating his dog, whom shares the same name as the much maligned two-bagger. IT’S NOT HIS FAULT, GREY, YOUR DOG ISN’T MAKING YOU LOOK BAD! He just wants you to take him to the park again. But in all seriousness, I would totally buy on Odor right now as some clueless hack in your league would probably part with him for a stale bag of chips and an old can of snoose. He’s about to heat up, I can smell it.

Brandon Belt – I truly believed in my heart that this day would never come, but Brandon Belt is having a monster season, and is on pace to obliterate his career highs in almost every statistic. They say that 30 is the new 24, so maybe he began having unprotected sex and smoking weed again? Who knows!? Whatever he’s doing, I want some. Can you say 30 and 100?

Mark Reynolds – Welcome home, my friend. Welcome home. Must I remind you this former washed up scrub hit 30 bombs with 97 RBI last year, with a respectable .267 average and he couldn’t find a job?  Where they do that at? I really like what the Nationals are doing, as they speared Fat Adams out of the dumpster in the offseason and recently called up Soto, giving them what is arguably the most potent lineup they’ve ever had, although they seem to really be missing Jayson Werth and his bloated salary, whom I just googled and realized is now playing in the Mariners minor league system… Could be a big piece for the M’s going forward. Ahhh, I can picture it now; Paxton throwing a perfect game against the Red Sox in the playoff, with Werth hitting a pinch hit bomb off of the disgraced Craig Kimbrel in the 10th.

Domonic Brown Just purchased the movie rights to the Domonic Brown story, as he’s currently going Kenny Powers in Mexico, destroying the competition and bedding every big bootied babe in the nation. Disney is interested but I may go independent with it. Rudy Gamble has already signed on to direct.

Chris Davis – Is this guy for real? Like, I don’t understand how you be this horrendous…..at anything…..Tim Tebow is literally better at baseball than Chris Davis is. But don’t fret, Orioles fans (if those exist), Davis is only owed another 100 million or so and I’m sure the pressure to produce will lead to great things. I’m picturing his statue being built now; A mix of the Incredible Hulk and Brad Pitt. The man truly had so much potential and was once one my favorite players. Sad!

Jurickson Profar – Look, I like the dude, but why do the Rangers continue to bat him in the 3-hole? The once touted prospect has no power, almost zero speed, and doesn’t hit for average. Am I the only one confused here? Just wanted to ask.

Solo – Ehhhhh, enjoyable film, I suppose. Could it have been better? Absolutely. Should it have been better? F to the yes. A Star Wars movie with no Jedi shizz is like porn without huge dong. Sure, girl-on-girl is cute, but I need the main vein! Pause. Don’t get me started on Darth Maul, like that’s supposed to mean something. The nerds (no offense) that watch the animated series were hella hyped on this, saying “duh, we already knew he was alive, after he was literally cut in half and dropped down a wind tunnel, because the cartoon has him come back.” Oh wise and powerful Elder Gods, please hold me back from baby powder backhand striking these nerds for it’s not their fault they’ve been brainwashed to believe that just because it happens in some fake children anime, that it doesn’t need to happen for real in this pointless film. Seriously, Darth Maul is the worst bad guy in movie history and this is stand alone anyway, so what exactly is the point? I still enjoyed it.

Deadpool 2 – I saw a bunch of semi-hate about this flick on the Ringer for reasons I’m not aware of. I would watch and be excited about a Deadpool film if they dropped one each and every year. Shoot, probably every three months. I love watching Wade work, baby. Juggernaut going bare ass and getting a tube up his yang, a la Richard Gere, only with electric voltage and not gerbils going up his rectum as he was dumped in the watering hole? Now that’s maximum effort. Kudos.

Cobra Kai – Really enjoyed this. It’s on YouTube Red, which you can get a free one month trial, and bang this out. I won’t give any spoilers since many of you probably haven’t seen yet, but this was really well done. I was sure it was going to be corny, but there are some fantastic scenes that really brought me back to the actual film as they do a great job mixing in the nostalgia of the old flicks, with new age shizz for today’s youth. Excellent work, my friends. Sweep the leg.

 

 

Thank you joining me for my rebirth. I am going to be writing as much as they allow, so please fell free to suggest subject matter, moves I should see, shows I need to watch, and books I need to read. I can’t thank bruh enough who put me on the Red Rising novels as I recently read the 4th installment which just dropped. I’m sorry if I offended you nerds who watch the Star Wars cartoons but the fact is, I am the biggest nerd of them all, so get off my diiiiiik. Let’s chat later.

Follow Beddict/Lo-Well at @UncleDaddyTehol on Twitter

Follow Lo-Well Thee Greatest showman/Tehol on Instagram.

  1. Joel says:
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    I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Joel: He was. Razzball faked his death to capture suspects that, according to INTERPOL, hatched an intricate plot to assassinate the great Tehol. I can’t confirm nor deny any of this, but we found a letter on the would-be assassin that stated: “Ralph sends his regards.”

      • Tehol Beddict says:
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        @Jay: he shall never succeed. He used to be my biggest Stan. Guaranteed he read this. Come back to me, my son. Daddy misses you

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Joel: only on the inside

  2. Jay

    Jay says:
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    I feel like your Instagram does much better than your Twitter by miles and miles. Could it be that a platform based on visually stimulating content works much better than a written-content platform for you?

    Basically, stop being so visually stimulating Tehol.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Jay: well, to be fair, I deleted my original twitter that had 10 times the followers and interactions but IG helps to fully give all of myself whereas sometimes what I’m trying to get across in strictly written context is lost upon the meek

  3. David says:
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    Nimmo or Mancini ROS?

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @David: Mancini…….but…..ummm, David, Here at the house of Beddict we expect more interaction than this. Have a nice evening

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @David: I mean Captain Weeno

  4. Johnny Be Good says:
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    Hey Tehol, in 5×5 Roto, would you trade away Altuve (non Keeper next year) to get K Bryant (10 rd keeper next year) ??

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Johnny Be Good: I think so. WhTs the status of your team right now? Altuve is just beginning to rake and steal bags again tho. How long do you get to keep Bryant?

      • Johnny Be Good says:
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        @Tehol Beddict: I’m in 8th. Guy who has Bryant in 2nd.

        I keep him in 10th rd next year. Keep in 8th round year after. Keep in 6th after that, etc..

        • Tehol Beddict says:
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          @Johnny Be Good: Then, yea, I guess you got to do it. Who’s your current third basemen? I kept Kris Bryant over Mookie Betts a couple years ago and want to bang my nuts with a spiked bat. But Bryant should age well and a keeper is a keeper

          • Johnny Be Good says:
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            @Tehol Beddict: haha yea I hear that, Betts is a monster. I’m just kinda down on Bryant this year…my 3B is Rendon but I can play KB in OF….but not benching my stud Nimmo over him ;)

            • LT Murray IV

              Tehol Beddict says:
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              @Johnny Be Good: yea that works. I’d probably pull it, especially if it’s very low odds it could cost you a title. I didn’t keep Bryant this year as he was garbo last season in my eyes. seems like he’s back on track

  5. Simon says:
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    You did me right last time (led to me keeping snell and bauer) so back to the well of awesomeness

    5X5 keeper standard roto. I have been offered Gleyber Torres (still on a minor league contract so I would have him for years) for Carlos Martinez (one year left after this on his good contract then he is FA).

    Other good pitchers I have Severino, Bauer, Snell
    Other infielders Seager, DeJong, Odor, C. Taylor

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Simon: ahhhh, Simon, my good man, so we meet again! So pleased I helped you dominate lesser beings. Absolutely make that trade. C-Mart if finally becoming the man I’d always hoped he’d be but Torres is superstar in the making and cheaper than backstreet hooker. FINISH HIM

  6. Hepcat13 says:
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    Nice write up!

    In a yahoo 5×5, 12 team, h2h

    Schoop or Dosier ROS and is it okay to drop Schoop? No one will buy low yet in my league.

    Thanks!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Hepcat13: I would have to go Dozier in this situation. He’s proven himself to get scorching hot further into the season and I expect him to do so again. Who would you drop him for? Thanks for reading bud!

  7. Scrapski says:
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    Damn Tehol- that’s scintillating
    I’m wiped out after reading…
    If I had a question, i forgot it.

    Welcome back

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Scrapski: Lil Scrappy! O-K-K-K!!!!

      Thank you sir. happy to be back

  8. P says:
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    Nice write up.

    C*nt Hurdle puts Felipe in 3 straight days after forearm tightness??? Is he trying to Dusty Baker his arm???

    Sorry, I had to rant somewhere.

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @P: THIS IS WHERE YOU MAY RANT WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT. It is just and you are worthy, P-Diddy.

      Clint Hurdle is one of the last old school managers left. if the Pirates weren’t somehow decent I believe he would be one of first managers fired. Still will probably happen when they fall off. Some decisions people that are paid millions of dollars to make blow my mind. Simple simon old ass man. Disgraceful . Thanks for reading

  9. Sphinxter says:
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    The return of the Hunter Thompson of fantasy writers, all hail Bedicked! Keep it up?!

    • Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Sphinxter: I am back and ready to strike with ferocity

  10. Eric says:
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    Great read. Hope you are back with a weekly piece!

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @Eric: Thanks big dog!!! love ya!!!

  11. LadyScorpio says:
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    Personally, I don’t dig girl on girl, but I do dig and NEED the main vein too! LOL! Good article. Glad you’re back!! If you haven’t checked out Avengers Infinity War, I highly recommend.

    • LT Murray IV

      Tehol Beddict says:
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      @LadyScorpio: My lady!!!!! I did see it!!! and I really enjoyed it tho the end kind of bummed me out. Sad. Thank you for your kind words

Comments are closed.