Did you hear about the Native American who wouldn’t leave the bathroom?  He said home was where the TP was.  Hey, this Drunk Uncle Jokebook isn’t that bad!  August has been miserable for Jose Ramirez with a .200 average, zero homers and two steals until last night.  You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.  Thankfully, the eggs he broke last night were the goose eggs representing his power numbers as he went 2-for-3 with his 19th and 20th homer, and his 14th steal.  Babies babble on, they lookin’ for excuses.  Not here to make excuses for Jo-Ram, but this was his first terrible month in two years.  Even Rhysus rested one day a week.  His righty/lefty splits are both at .298, which is odd since he’s hitting .300.  Did he go 0-for-1 against someone who spit the ball at him?  *intern whispers in my ear*  I see, the .298 righty/lefty splits were before last night.  You learn something gnu every day.  Spelling will be tomorrow!  Assuming Jo-Ram rebounds for his standard month in September, it’s going to be hard to be too down on him in the non-sexual way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Santana – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 21st homer, and his third straight game with a home run.  Wait, I know this impersonation.  Ooh, ooh, don’t tell me!  You’re doing Josh Donaldson, right?  Damn, that’s spot on!

Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.63.  In 160 2/3 IP, he has 215 Ks.  Last year in 215 IP, he had 227 Ks.  Zoinks!  Wait, it gets zoinksier.  His K/9 is 12.3 (I know, right?).  His walk rate.  Dot dot dot.  Is 1.9!  Oh, and he leads the majors with a 2.49 xFIP.  Kershaw can’t even approach these peripherals.  Yeah, I said it!

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  I got action from Jackson with that batty call!

Aaron Judge – Out of the lineup last night, and might get a few more days off as a mental break since he’s hitting .179 since the All-Star break, and only three homers in August.  Member when I told people to sell Judge there were commenters complaining how dopey I was?  Yeah, you don’t hear as much from them anymore.  I wonder why.

Zach Britton – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save.  Guess he’s healthy again.  We will see about tomorrow!  His health is his own personal steak & kidney pie.  Steak & kidney pie is not good, but Britons say it’s good long enough, and it becomes acceptable.

Adam Jones – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .279.  Make it rain, Pacman Jones!  I believe that’s a football reference, which brings us so smoothly to fantasy football.  Fantasy football, it’s like fantasy baseball, only the guy in your office who you think is a total dumbass can beat you!  If you are that guy, here’s the fantasy football tools you should get.

Chris Tillman – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.91.  I bet there’s at least one position player in the majors that could be pitching better than Tillman this year.

Marco Gonzales – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Awful!  Terrible!  Adjective!  Yes!  Yes!  Same!  His WHIP is 1.96!  And his ERA is still better than Tillman’s at 7.40.

Danny Valencia – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer.  Meh, he’s a blahtoon player, but I was thinking.  You know how players change one letter in their name, like Kendrys?  Danny should totally be Donny.  Actually, every Danny in the world should be Donny.  How do we fix this?

Ben Gamel – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .287.  This was, like, his 2nd hit in the last week.  Damn, Gimel’s been more like nisht.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL.  Okay, Desmond, like they tell farmers in Tennessee, go easy on the calf.

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and first home run for the Rockies.  Wow, he did get a huge boost on the Rockies.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game with a stiff back.  This guy’s irrelevant anyway.  And I say that without being facetious!

Yoenis Cespedes – Ruled out for the season.  Backdate that to March.

David Wright – Sounds done for 2017 with renewed shoulder pain.  He’s still owed $37 million for the next two years.  “Damn, who gave him that contract?!”  That’s an incredulous Bobby Bonilla.

Mike Montgomery – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.29.  I’m dumb.  I’m so dumb I can’t spell genius without autocorrect.  Why is there no I Before U rule?!  Sounded like an only child there, which I am, so *raspberries lips*  Any hoo!  I’m super dumb, but I could’ve told you Montgomery should’ve been in the Cubs’ rotation all year.  How did I know this and the Cubs did not?

Jordy Mercer – 3-for-3 and his 12th homer, hitting .259.  I won’t acknowledge Jordy until he goes by his Christian name, Jordache.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.21, as he was activated from the DL.  His eyes make me think he is the missing link between human and Night King.  R+L = J. Max Scherzer!

Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, as he was activated from the DL.  If this news gives you an erection for longer than fifteen seconds, you should see a doctor, and I feel bad for your fantasy team.

Howie Kendrick – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .343.  He’s going on a full month of being a hot schmotato.  Howie like me now!

Trea Turner – Will be activated today.  Halle Berry Lujah!

Justin Bour – Hit in a batting cage.  Someone nearby, “So that’s why it didn’t hold my canary!”

Christian Yelich – 2-for-3 and his 16th homer, hitting .286.  Yelich is so young when he was watching The Hunt for Red October and heard Sean Connery talk about a periscope, he thought Sean Connery was going to do some live video.

Austin Pruitt – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.27.  Fun fact!  He makes sure to close his P otherwise people call him Austin Fruit.  Less fun fact!  I wouldn’t even use the Stream-o-Nator for him.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer.  If he stayed on the Mets, he’d have 25 homers while hiding a torn rotator cuff.

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 32nd homer, and 3rd homer in two games, hitting .247.  Somebody’s on Electric Avenue of schmotatoes right now.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Real question:  has anyone ever done a study of hitters’ hotness in regards to when they get their last hit of a game?  Meaning:  is it more likely a hitter takes his hotness into the next game if he hits a home run after the sixth inning vs. before the sixth inning?  Logically, it makes sense.  A hitter sees the ball well in his last at-bat and carries that over into the next game vs. seeing the ball well early in one game and has lost that by the end of the game and doesn’t have it in the next game.  Someone get a FanGraphs writer to study this, thanks.

Buster Posey – Underwent an MRI on his thumb.  To tell you the truth, I always thought Little Jack Horner’s name should be Buster Posey.  If anyone’s going to stick a thumb in a pie and pull out a plum, it would be someone named Buster Posey.

Jeff Samardzija – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.43.  I just had a fantasy about fantasy baseball and it didn’t include Giancarlo.  Imagine Samardzija next year is Sapadrezija.

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer.  Also, in this game, Joe Panik hit his 8th homer.  Panik added the blast to confusion from the Petco crowd.  “We’re enjoying our Chardonnay, Panik over what?”

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.03, which is irrelevant.  His home ERA is 1.86 in 87 1/3 IP.  A Hodgepadre by any other name would not smell as sweet.

Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.63.  Shh, Heaney, don’t make so much noise, in case I need you to be a sleeper next year.

Christian Vazquez – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Without doing any actual research, Vazquez has at least one game a month where he appears to be the best catcher in baseball, then fades into oblivion until next month.

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .310.  Why do I get the feeling Eduardo Nunez is going to become immortal this postseason with the Sawx?  Maybe not ketchup on the ankle immortal.

Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.23.  His WHIP is 1.37.  Yeah, that ERA is lying right to our face.

Nori Aoki – Designated for assignment by the Jays.  His last name translates literally to, “A-okay dookie.”

Justin Smoak – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer, hitting .289.  I’ve been vaping for five years, but this guy makes me want to take up Smoak’ing again.  Hey, they’re not all gems!

Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.11.  Antifa needs to protest against the number 311; that is some racist bullcrap!

Lucas Sims – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.41.  This was interesting to me (read:  boring).  The Stream-o-Nator predicted 6 Ks for Sims for last night’s start, but in only 5 2/3 IP.  A 9+ K/9 from a guy who had a 4.8 K/9 entering the game is a bold call, so I figured the Phils must strike out a lot.  They strikeout a decent amount (tenth worst in the majors), but Sims actually has solid K potential, according to the Prospect-a-Nator and his minor league numbers.  Told you, interesting (boring).

Odubel Herrera – Could return from the DL when rosters expand from Fosters oil cans to forties.

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.46.  As I’ve mentioned many times before, guys that throw fast that are wild, have huge upside and downside.  Guys like Nola that have solid control don’t have the ceiling as those fastwinders, but they also don’t have a basement with a tied-up gimp.  At worst, their basement has a pool table with some rips on the felt.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  No homers?  WHAT A BUM!

Cameron Rupp – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Did you know this is Aunt Jemima’s favorite catcher?  Oh, yeah, she loves C-Rupp.