To paraphrase DJ Khaled, “We got a Minor key alert!  Another one.”  To paraphrase the cops that arrested Principal Rooney, “This is because of the Minors.”  *Donald Trump looking at the Rangers’ rotation*  “Glad to see Cole/Minor’s jobs are secure.”  Over Mike Minor‘s last four starts, he has a 2.06 ERA, 18 Ks, 5 BBs and 15 hits in 26 innings, after his sparkling one last night when he threw 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.64.  I know what you’re thinking, it was vs. the Padres.  Right, one of those starts was, the other ones were the Astros, Twins and Rockies.  So, it’s not all smoke and Minors.  Minor’s peripherals are nothing to write home about (unless his family lives in the Appalachian Trail, then they might like to hear from a Minor) — 7.4 K/9, 2 BB/9, 4.50 xFIP.  So, it’s been a good run (not Niko), but I can’t say I trust him in the big picture, unless it’s about Cole/Minor’s daughter, Loretta Lynn, played with spunk by Sissy Spacek (Spunky Spacek?  Sissy Spunkit?  Spunky Spunkit?).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rougned Odor – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 3rd steal.  Okay, that’s cool, we took some time apart, let’s start slow again.

Ryan Rua – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .167.  Rua, Rua, like a dungeon dragon!

Jorge Bonifacio – A commenter yesterday was kind enough to remind me that Bonifacio is returning from suspension.  George Goodface was George Sunkenplace for 80 days due to PEDs, but he hit 17 HRs last year in 113 games with a .255 average, i.e., 15-team 5th outfielder, i.e., I didn’t add him anywhere.  For what it’s Werth, Bonifacio is projected for six homers and a .246 average the rest of the year.  That seems low, even for Sunkenplace.

Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer.  Moistasskiss!

Wily Peralta – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 1.93.  You gotta respect how bizzonkers it is he’s getting saves.  There is at least a chance the Royals used Peralta against the Brewers to just give them a subtle dig.  Like when you’re talking to an ex, and you subtly throw in a, “Shoot, I gotta run, my new girlfriend is coming to pick me up in her Benz.”  Though, Peralta is less a Benz and more a Hyundai.  Dot dot dot.  That doesn’t have an engine.

Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBI and his 3rd steal and hit a home run the day before.  Adalberto will not be held accountable for the sins of his father.

Keon Broxton – 0-for-2 as he was recalled to fill-in briefly for Cain.  I just had a good laugh, would you like to enjoy one as well?  Great.  Look at Broxton’s minor league stats.  The effin’ Brewers, man.  Broxton’s about to get inducted into the Triple-A Hall of Fame.  His strikeout rate is so ludicrous too — 36%!  Dude’s like, “I’m hacking, please let me out of Triple-A, please!”  Keon is swinging like a blindfolded kangaroo.  The A’s need Domingo and Keon Broxton; don’t make them beg, Brewers.

Travis Shaw – Expects to return today.  Everyone knows him returning is a terrible idea, except the Brewers, apparently.  It means he will return today; take a few swings; foul a ball off; his wrist will have pangs of pain (paings?), and he will continue to miss time, instead of just going on the DL.

Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-2, and his 18th homer, hitting .304.  No joke, Jesus Aguilar or literally 90% of other 1st basemen in the majors?  Jesus, right?  You don’t even have to be Christian to agree, and, yes, I’m talking about Yelich.  Okay, next question, will Jesus play every game for the Brewers?  No, definitely not.  This is so crazy.  Are we sure the Brewers isn’t short for the Hebrewers and that’s why Ryan Braun plays every day he’s healthy?  Crazy conspiracy guy, “Jews control the media.”  “That is such an ugly stereotype–”  “Okay, but they control the Brewers.”  “This is totally true.”

Brent Suter – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.28.  He cruised to six innings and I was like, “Sutter Home White Zin for all my homies in Bruges!”  Then the 7th inning happened, “I hate the world.”

Brad Miller – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .262.  That sounds okay, right?  On the Brewers, he had to play in the minors for close to month to get promoted!  The Brewers, man.

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.82.  He picked up his first win since August 4th, 2015.  Or 21 years in this Bassitt’s life.

Dallas Keuchel – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.22.  Told you not to draft him.  D’Alas, you did.

Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting close to .600 in the last week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Alex Bregman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and his 3rd homer in as many games.  If this what happens when you shave your mustahce, I’m about to take a bath in Nair.  Hey, eyebrows, I’ll be seeing you later!  Leg hair, you’re sporadic at best anyway!  Chest hair?  Who are we kidding?!

Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .238.  I added Marwin last week in a fit of desperation to help my RCL team.  This is the first hit Marwin’s had since June 19th.  I think I need a nap.  *seventeen seconds later, claps hands*  I’m back, snitches!

Ryan Tepera – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 5th blown save, ERA at 2.97.  Tepera…battered.

Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 2.57.  I don’t usually mention when closers are going well, but I just had to stop here for a second.  Do you know how many saves Edwin has?  Or I should say, Edsave.  He has 30 saves!  We’re barely at the halfway point of the season!  Wow.

Kyle Seager – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  He was obviously offended I compared him to Maikel Franco.  I didn’t compare your hair, man, take it easy.  That would be John Jaso.

Ryon Healy – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .248.  I always wonder if a guy hits a home run in his first at-bat, then goes 0-for-4 (like Healy did yesterday) if that makes him less prone to carry over a hot streak than a guy who goes 1-for-5 but homers in his last at-bat.  If anyone can figure this out, thanks!

Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd in as many games.  I’d say hot schmotato, but the O’s platoon, because, ya know, they have so many weapons.

Jayson Werth – Retiring from baseball.  He’s going to raise emus because their oil really makes his hair sheen splendidly.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.01, as he was activated from the DL.  He missed two months with an oblique injury and was only able to go 66 pitches in his last rehab start.  Yet — again with some stank — YET, he was facing the Marlins.  Which impulse do you think won out on whether or not to start him?  Uppercase yay for blind luck!  As for him being back to where he was before this season started?  It was the Marlins and it was six innings, I’m encouraged, but it means little.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  I was hesitant to mention Castro yesterday because, well, I mean, he has less than half the homers as Daniel Descalso.  You ain’t taking the W there, Castro.  Though, his schmotato could be heating up.

Wei-Yin Chen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Diaperbacks, ERA at 6.14.  In away games, the D-Backs are hitting .224.  I had to check it twice I was so shocked.  The more shocking thing, the Indians are hitting .223.  And they’re not the worst away average in the majors (thanks, O’s!).

Sandy Alcantara – Will be called to start on Friday for the Marlins.  Here’s what Prospect Ralph said, “The fireballing right-hander reached the majors in 2017, but the season was disappointing on a few different levels. He ditched his once promising curveball for a slider, and the results were he didn’t miss nearly as many bats. I’ve heard the Cardinals did this to mold him into more of a reliever. Though I’m not sure I really buy into that. What made Alcantara an exciting prospect was the potential to generate lots of swings and misses with the fastball, curveball, change combo. In the AFL, he was throwing two breaking balls plus the change, popping 99-100 on the regular. If he can get back on track with his breaking stuff, and maintain his fastball effectiveness throughout his starts Alcantara can reach his front of the rotation potential. There’s a lot that needs to go right, he’ll be a major leaguer, but who knows in what role.  Now if only a truck would roll into Grey.”  Aw, c’mon!  I saw Alcantara on waivers in all of my leagues, and I only added him in the NL-Only ones.  He just hasn’t looked great in Triple-A (3.71 ERA, 6.8 K/9, 3.6 BB/9).

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .252.  Wondering if Rhysus can get hot this summer like he was last year?  Watch a highlight of his homer yesterday.  Once it gets ‘swamp ass’ hot in the Northeast (and around the country), the ball just jumps.  Rhysus barely hit the ball and it went into the crowd.  Oh, he’s good for at least one 12-homer month this year.

Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.02.  We are results-driven in this crazy hobby that takes 8,000 man hours and rewards us with a $45 check from our closest frenemy.  Since we are results-driven, I can understand why we may not have picked up Eflin yet.  He only has a 3.02 ERA, 9+ K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 94+ MPH fastball, 32nd best xFIP–Wait, these are good results.  Okay, now I’m not sure why you haven’t picked him up.  Fear of success like your mom says?

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.47.  Stream-o-Nator loved this start, but what’ve I’ve slowly realized is the Stream-o-Nator also likes everyone facing the Mets, so if it likes a Mets starter, it’s also going to like his opponent.  Maybe that should’ve dawned on me sooner.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games.  Of course, one of those games Flores was coming off the bench because Callaway’s gotta find out what he’s got in Bautista and Reyes.

Jeurys Familia – 0 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.48, and his major league leading fifth blown save.  It might just feel this way, but it seems more bullpens of teams you want nothing to do with are the ones offering vulture chances, right?

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.22.  I’ve been saying to pick him up since he was called up.  Also, he’s the 9th best starter on the Prospect-o-Nator, which lists all rookie pitcher projections.  You need more?  Here’s Shruggy the Emoji shrugging.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .307.  This made me laugh, on ESPN’s player page where they list players’ projections, but they’re actually just prorating numbers, Lonnie’s home run projection?  Two.  Haha.  Okay.

Joc Pederson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .265.  I own Pederson in far too many leagues, but they’re deep leagues, and, if you ask me if you should own him in a shallow league, I’ll likely say nah or meh or agree with Cram.

Max Muncy – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .259.  Chris Taylor wasn’t happy breaking out once in his career last year.  Oh, no, he decided he wanted to do it twice, once as himself and once as Max Muncy.

Yu DarvishCubs will decide today if Darvish will start vs. the Twins after he throws a bullpen session.  So disrespectful.  A bullpen session and he could be ready to face the Twins?  C’mon.  Maybe the Padres, but not the Twins.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .272.  It has been a glorious year to punt catchers.  I get no greater jolt of schadenfreude than high ranked catchers I told you to avoid doing a lot of mediocre.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.51.  I mentioned this when he was either about to return or right after he did, but his injury wasn’t arm related, I would not be surprised to see him be a top ten starter the rest of the way.  And that’s me vaguely paraphrasing me!

Luis Castillo – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.95.  Buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT he had three solid innings!

Jose Peraza – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .270.  Hasn’t been quite the disappointment you’ve come to expect from my middle infielder sleepers, but he’s barely a top 20 shortstop on the Player Rater, so not quite avocado toast in a millennial’s hand either.

Ender Inciarte – Left the game after his 21st steal (!) with an oblique injury.  Braves say it’s minor, but oblique injuries can linger.  Damn, now that Linger song is in my head.  Thanks a lot, Cranberries!

Sean Newcomb – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.74.  I just made the mistake of looking at his peripherals.  I thought he was doing better — 8.7 K/9, 3.9 BB/9, 3.93 xFIP, velocity down.  Yo, who put Newcomb in the blue barber water?

Ronald Acuna – Expected back on Friday.  Fiñally!

Brandon Phillips – Signed a deal with the Red Sox.  Fun fact!  He brings a high-in-fiber cereal with him to every team, which is how he got his nickname Brandon.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer.  Just Dong because without him it’s Just nothing.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .254, but hitting near-.400 in the last week.  I’m surprised it’s taken this long before Nunez was a schmotato, because he’s usually good for at least three to four weeks each year where he should be owned everywhere.

Sandy Leon – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .245.  As Kanye said on his song Diamonds are Sandy Leon, “Diamonds are forever (forever, forever), and diamonds are Sandy Leon.”  I’m paraphrasing.

Ian Kinsler – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .216.  Kinsler is happy whenever he homers in an opposing park because it quiets down the stadium.  “Yeah, guys, less cheering!”

Martin Maldonado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  He’s known mostly because his arm is a cannon, i.e., it used to host America’s Got Talent.

Zack Cozart – Will have surgery on his shoulder and is done for the year.  Unless the Angels try to sneak him in for PRP injections.

Shohei Ohtani – Expected to return as a hitter whether or not the PRP injections help.  Here’s a message for the skywriter flying over Angel Stadium, “The PRP injection did not work, you tried that already.  Shut him down so he can have Tommy John…”  Then another plane, “…Surgery.  You idiots!”