If players are going to break out in a season, they don’t always break out the first week of a season. I’m reminded of another Phillies player, Dominic Brown. The year he broke out, it didn’t happen until June of that year. Of course, in subsequent years, his swing got long like Don Johnson’s in The Harrad Experiment and rather than working his way back in the cages, Brown was preoccupied with avoiding his stalker, Tehol. This brings us to another potential breakout, Aaron Altherr. Or as Mystikal calls him, Altherr. You don’t have to be scurred, he’s doing his thang. Altherr hit two more homers yesterday (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .351), and is one of the hottest players in the majors this week. Of course, this won’t continue, but to what degree will this tail off? By the way, I want to be a judge at a twerking competition called a Tail Off. In the minors, he’s shown speed (20-ish) and power (teen-ish). With his Ks and BABIP, his average will come down a long way (maybe .250), but I see no reason why he can’t be a 17/20/.250 hitter on the year, and definitely a must own. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Maikel Franco – Sat out yesterday due to overall suckage. Which is different than how that guy from Hee Haw suffocated when a large pile of costumes fell on him. That was overalls suckage.
Tommy Joseph – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Guys and five girl readers, it’s happening. I can feel it. Granted, that might’ve been the tacos I had for lunch yesterday.
Joaquin Benoit – 1/3 IP, 5 ER. “I’m going to hold Benoit for just a few more days to make sure Neris is the closer…Wait, why am I soiling myself? Oh em gee, what is happening?!”
Hisashi Iwakuma – Hit the DL and is headed for an MRI on his shoulder. Some questioned how serious his injury was, but Hisashi said, “Don’t judge, udon know me.” M’s trainer said, “Ramen to that,” but Iwakuma shook his head, “Only I do Japanese food puns.”
Robinson Cano -4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .296. Apparently, his strained quad from Tuesday wasn’t that big of a deal! Haha, sigh. Ah, we had a good laugh, didn’t we? Hello? Are you there, God? It’s me Grey. *waits for a reply* Hmm, guess I don’t need to write this in a house of worship. Goodbye, El Pollo Loco!
Danny Valencia – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, third homer in the last eight days, which Paul McCartney says is a week. I grabbed Valencia yesterday for a batty call, and now I’ve might’ve fallen in love with a hot schmotato.
Ben Gamel – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .373. Crizzappy Phillie pitching hasn’t hurt, but Gamel now heads to the Jays and a pitching staff I’m not particularly impressed by, outside of Stroman. That felt like a shaggy dog story for Ben G.
Geovany Soto – Hasn’t ruled out surgery on his elbow. His team hopes he decides soon, because he’s been wearing a backwards hospital gown on the team bus for a week now.
Andrew Toles – Diagnosed with a torn right ACL and is out for the season. Just terrible, terrible news–This means Cody Bellinger will be up all season!
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Did someone call my name? *blushes, bats eyelashes, sprays breath freshener in mouth, coughs* I think that was my aerosol deodorant.
Kenta Maeda – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.03. Okay, the Royals are the dog’s bollocks for breakfast, or whatever that British expression is that means vomit, but the Pirates look like they’re putting the combobulate in discombobulated.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-1 but didn’t start yesterday with hamstring tightness. WebMD says this is not a byproduct of going H.A.M.
Jeurys Familia – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save. Wow, wasn’t expecting him to throw my ERA through a glass door. Am I confusing my Mets abusers? Was that Reyes and Familia simply ran into a family reunion with a steak knife? Or was that K-Rod when he was in New York? I get all of these confused.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .283. I want to stretch the baseball season out like I’m eating Laffy Taffy, but, damn, I can’t wait until the 2nd half just so Bruce disappears into oblivion.
Brandon Crawford – Should be back today with a healthy groin. As any other adult male, if I hear more groin news about another man, I will relay that to you immediately.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer, and 3rd straight game with a home run. To paraphrase the wordsmith rapper, Ludacris, “Posey Posey poppin’, Posey Posey poppin’, Posey Posey poppin’, Posey Posey poppin’, his owners doing a handstand.”
Christian Arroyo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .242. As someone who actually owns this schmohawk in a few leagues, there’s nothing to see here.
Derek Law – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save. Totally biased when I say this because I have Hunter Strickland in a league, and not Law, but I hope this shaky outing causes Bochy to rethink the closer role in San Fran while Melancon is out. I’m also fully aware that Bochy needs to start thinking about this immediately for us to see any change by Friday, because of Bochy’s Karnak the Inhuman-sized head.
Danny Salazar – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.20 vs. Francisco Liriano – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.35. The Regressions Fairies usually check Instagram or chat during the bottom of innings, but for this one they stayed alert for both sides of the action. Terrific. Against that Jays’ lineup, Salazar? Really? The Amish Porsche, Ezequiel Carrera, was hitting 2nd and that lineup is so bad, it actually made sense.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .177. I’m pretty much done telling people to hold onto Bautista. I think he will be better than he has been, but the key phrase there is ‘has been,’ and I don’t think we ever see the Bautista we once saw.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his his 6th homer, hitting .259. Salami Tom!
Brandon Drury – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .312. He’s hitting under-.200 in the last week, which is especially crazy because the Diamondbacks were in Colorado just a few days ago. This blurb was brought to you by Travelocity. Gnome your price!
Koda Glover – Worked a scoreless inning in rehab. My money’s on him getting the most saves in Washington until they trade for someone in July who turns out to be much worse than advertised. I.e., Koda Glover, not 3rd Act Break Glover but maybe Denouement Glover.
Shawn Kelley – Yesterday, he made a simulated appearance. One would get arrested for that in Saudi Arabia.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Nice bounce back on his strikeouts, which are still way down on the year, though everything else is pretty close to his norm. What do you think his norm ERA is? Go ahead guess. Lavender? What kind of guess is that? I’d say his norm ERA is 3.50. I bet there’s a lot of people that would consider it lower.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer. For the past week, I’ve been talking about the schmotato that is Werth.
Matt Albers – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.69. Rawr! I understand Albers is a bit out of the box as the closer, but c’mon, Dusty, go with Matt Albers! He sounds almost like he hangs out with Mushmouth!
Michael Taylor – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .238. Trea’s been pretty yawnstipating, but don’t let Taylor get hot, because that Nats’ lineup is ruthless, as Brad Brach (1/3 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd blown save, ERA at 3.79) found out last night. I’m currently holding Darren O’Day in one league where I really need saves, and this will lead to at least four people asking how I didn’t mention Brach’s blow up. Shizz was buried in another blurb — blurbied!
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .239. Take note of all the people in the comments wanting to sell Trumbo for 27 cents on the dollar. Like suddenly he’s not a 35+ homer hitter if healthy.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs Line!
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, hitting .336. In strictly a battle of Reggie Cleveland All-Stars, Freeman is out-distancing Charlie Blackmon. Whoever wins gets a date with Rachel Dolezal.
Adonis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .234. Funny (not funny) that he homered the same day as Tommy Joseph. Perhaps it’s a false equivalency, or perhaps I don’t know what a false equivalency means, but I could see both Adonis and Joseph singing a siren song to fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) who need a corner infidel.
Kendrys Morales – MRI revealed a minor hamstring strain. Meh, he only needs to be healthy in July to get traded.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and five homers in the last eleven games. He’s not doing much beyond power, but if you need the long ball, grab Morrison or an 85-year-old man.
Colby Rasmus – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a grand slam, his 3rd homer, and 3rd in five games. When I’ve mentioned Rasmus three times in a week, you know what to do.
Chris Archer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Archer’s solid, fo’ sho, but the Royals also appear to be back to tricks. One such trick is the Disappearing Chance For Runs Trick.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .180. Ain’t saying that he got hot around this time last year which propelled him to the place where you drafted him this year, but I am saying that.
Hanley Ramirez – Played 1st base for about nine outs before he left with an injury. You really needed his bat in the lineup that badly? You’re disgrace, super-uninteresting Red Sox manager whose name people like me forget.
Keon Broxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs as he hit leadoff. It’s all coming together. Cue evil laughter! Intern? Are you there? I need evil laughter? Hmm, he must’ve stepped out.
Ryan Braun – Left the game with calf tightness. I doubt his constant day-to-dayness has anything to do with his body breaking down due to taking PEDs. I might be using the word ‘doubt’ incorrectly.
Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal, hitting .351. You know how surnames indicate what your ancestors’ professions were? Like Albright prolly means ‘shining light of intelligence,’ so what does Gyorko mean? Don’t wanna say your family was a bunch of prude hookers giving hand jays, but it’s kinda what it means.
Adeiny Hechavarria – Hit the DL after re-aggravating his oblique injury. J.T. Riddle will take over for him once he recovers from a finger bruise, and Steve Lombardozzi was called up to fill-in too. Fun fact! Riddle wears question mark leotards under his uniform, and Lombardozzi has a “World’s Best Pooper” trophy by his john he calls the Lombardozzi Trophy. For fantasy, somehow, Adeiny is the one with the best bat of these three.
Dee Gordon – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 10th and 11th steal as he hits still in the nine hole. Cool! Experiment over, Don Mattingly! Move him back up! Please don’t let that barren-lipped fool think this proves Gordon is more comfortable at the bottom of the order.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .281. Yelich seems to have fallen in love with fly balls like he fell in love with Fidget Spinners. If you remember, I was worried about Yelich’s ground balls in the preseason. Well, they’re there (stutterer!). His fly balls are up too. Unfortch, his line drives are awful and his hard contact is down too. Could be a small sample size thing — that’s what she said! — but there’s indications here he might be a .250 hitter this year.
Justin Bour – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Take what I said for Tommy Joseph + what I said about Adonis Garcia = Lil Uzi Vert’s Marilyn Manson chain. Hmm, math is off there. Was supposed to equal “same for Bour.”
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at .296. Could a guy have an under-3 ERA and feel like he’s underperforming? What do Yu think?
Erick Aybar – 2-for-3 and a slam (4) and legs (4). It’s a nice story how well Aybar is doing for the Padres, but it’s the worst thing that could happen. It’s the kind of affirmation that leads the Padres to sign guys like The Federalist (last year) and their entire pitching staff. The Padres should be ride or die with all prospects. You’re welcome, I just fixed you like Chris Martin fixed Gwyneth.
Chad Pinder – 1-for-4, 2 RBI and his 2nd homer, hitting .290 as he platoons at 2nd base. Oldish prospect who Prospector Ralph said this about, “Pinder is the ultimate Floorbored, boring hit tool middle infielder with a little pop, and not much speed. He’s got some swing and miss for a contact guy too. Could factor in as a streamer in deep leagues, but not the most exciting profile for fantasy. Though not ‘nails on the chalkboard like Grey’s voice’ bad either.” Hey, not cool!
Andrew Triggs – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.21. He’s my best performing starter in my NFBC league. Ah, baseball, you evil, mistress that boils my bunny. Also, you know once we get comfortable with Triggs it’s going to be one roofie after another until you’re walking around saying, “I feel so light without my spleen.”
Mike Trout – Remained out due to his hamstring. The way Trout is going, the Angels will be able to backdate a DL stint nine days, 23 hours and forty-five minutes.
Addison Russell – Scratched with shoulder soreness. When asked how bad the injury was, he said, “Hurts.” Wow, so curt, Russell.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.40. Should’ve known Coors would have no affect on Hendricks. Just have to worry about starting Hendricks on smack.
Greg Holland – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 14th save. Someone was inspired by Jeanmar Gomez’s SAGNOF of the Year award win last year.
German Marquez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.88. Elias Sports Bureau said that German Marquez pitched the best game ever for someone who sounds like a Nazi that escaped to South America.
