On the ones and twos, it’s not DJ Khaled, with a cigar in his baby’s mouth, dropping another one in a major key.  It’s yo’ boy, DJ LeMahieu (4-for-5, 4 runs, 1 RBI), the French-sounding EDM mixmaster, spinning his wheels around the bases.  Yo, DJ LeMahieu, what you got to say about that?  “Pouvez-vous chicken francaise?”  Yo, you sound like me pretending to be French!  Next up throwing down, it’s Mark Reynolds (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer), the man, the myth, the Mini Donkey.  All brays to you!  Then how about Trevor Story (3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers) finding his way into back-to-back home run games, like succinylcholine finds its way into back-to-back Forensic Files.  Then there’s Carlos Gonzalez…Actually, you still suck!  So, the Rockies, scored (fill-in-number, too high to count) last night, and Jon Gray did all he had to do — 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, which in Coors is all you can ask.  His peripherals are gorgeous — 8.6 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.59 xFIP, but something I failed to remember this past preseason, it’s still a struggle to start him in Coors.  I mean, shizz gets ugly fast like a reality TV person at a reunion show.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Robert Gsellman – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.98.  Mets’ GM, Sandy Alderson, told Gsellman he needed to pitch better, and Gsellman said, “I don’t really care.”  Overhearing, Jose Reyes told Sandy he’d have a word with him about putting his best foot forward, then Jose pointed to the foot that doesn’t have the ankle bracelet.

Masahiro Tanaka – Likely to return next week.  That’s good news if you read it at night, bad news if you read it during the day.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 37th homer.  You know what’s funny (not funny), a bunch of stat nerds get super dreamy about a home run that goes far.  Like a 377-foot homer counts less.  They’re like, “wOBA is not short for wombat, it was a stat first devised by Tom Tango–Holy schnikes, Judge just hit a 457 foot homer!”

David Robertson – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 2.25.  Aroldis has been overworked, has hamstring issues, and Joe Girardi yesterday was like, “I don’t care if Aroldis is 100%, I’m not 100% he’s my closer anymore.”  Robertson and Betances should both be owned either way, but Aroldis might be DL’d or demoted from the job.

Brian Goodwin – Hit the DL with a groin strain.  Goodwin’s Law states, at some point, if a discussion lasts long enough, a grown man will discuss another man’s groin.

Jayson Werth – Nearing rehab assignment.  Yo, he’s been out for two months with a bone bruise.  Making $21 million this year.  No joke.  Even more of a ‘no joke,’ Dusty will Totally McGoatley start Werth when he returns.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .310.  You know how Yahoo puts a note on your team page about corrections made to a stat line?  Yeah, well, I think there should be a note saying, “If you owned Ryan Zimmerman for the last three years but not this year, you will get backdated stats to your past teams.  Congratulations on your 2014 league title!”  Nice!  I need to contact Scott Pianowski and tell him our preseason bet from 2014 just got reversed!

Luis Valbuena – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer, and, well, guess.  If you can’t guess, you haven’t been following along with everything I’ve said about Valbuena in his career.  If he hits one homer, he also hits another.  Yes, technically, that would mean, if he homered on April 2nd he’d have 162 homers this year.  Any hoo!  Could be a short-term schmotato.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  He hit that home run very gingerly.  Well, he hit it hard, but he’s a redhead so everything he does is gingerly.

Cam Bedrosian – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 6th save, and clearly the Angels’ closer.  I guess that means he’s the Angels’ *pinkie to mouth* savior.  High five me!  Right now!  No?  Okay.

Steve Pearce – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer.  He’s like Valbuena East.  Usually when he hits one homer, he follows it with more.

Marcus Stroman – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at…guess.  Go ahead.  I bet you don’t even get the right number in the front.  I wouldn’t have.  I had no idea he was doing so well.  It’s not in an insignificant number of innings either.  In 159 1/3 IP, he has a 2.99 ERA.  Zoinks!  I’ll never forget a commenter a few years ago said he would never own Stroman because he’s short.  Maybe I remember that because I’m short, but what a super random thing to worry about.  So what if the only other major leaguer he could comfortably share pants with is Altuve.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.05.  Guess who had the grapefruits to start this guy in Fenway?  This guy with two thumbs pointing at himself wearing pants that could fit Stroman and Altuve!

Trevor Rosenthal – 0 IP, 2 ER and just didn’t look right, and was pulled faster than a rope a great white shark chewed through.  I grabbed Seung-Hwan Oh in one league, likely because I haven’t owned him yet this year and have no hard feelings, and I also grabbed Zach Duke, but he’s more of a LOOGY.

Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer.  Well, lookie lookie!  Just took a little mocking from me to get him started.  You’re welcome.

Jose Urena – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.61.  This is depressing or uplifting depending on your POV.  On our Player Rater, Urena is a top 40 starter, ahead of Wacha, Berrios, Montgomery, Hamels, Tanaka (!), Folty, Lackey and Porcello, to name but a few.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .293.  I had this whole thing planned out in my head.  Was going to say how the Royals are actually much better of an offensive team than you’d think, but it turns out you were thinking correctly.  Their offense is, well, woof.  A .310 OBP is 28th in the league, and they’ve scored the 20th most runs.  Only offensive stat where they’re in the top ten is steals, and I have two words for you:  Oh.  Kay.

Danny Duffy – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.82.  On the Stream-o-Nator, there’s every pitcher’s ownership number, and I was surprised to see Duffy at 97%.  I’m guessing he’s on a few teams that are now more interested in fantasy football.  Segue, snitches!

Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  He has an eight game hitting streak.  The Ghost of Joe DiMaggio called and said, “I wouldn’t even let Semien near my Mr. Coffee with the Ghost of Marilyn Monroe begging for it.”

Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 26th steal.  I mentioned this on the podcast the other day, but I’ve been holding Rajai for about three weeks (at the cost of owning a middle reliever), because I need steals, and the King of SAGNOF has seven steals in his six starts.  Granted, that dates back two weeks, because the A’s have been storing him with the LLAMAS, the LOOGYs of hitters.  (After I wrote this, I grabbed Zach Duke and dropped Rajai; I already regret this.)

Blake Treinen – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd straight game allowing runs.  Why am I reminded of Cyndi Lauper’s True Colors?   Treinen, I see your true colors…Shining through…I see your true colors…Colors, colors, colors… Aw, sookie, I’m mixing Lauper with Ice-T in my brain!

Clayton Richard – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.84.  On our top 100 starts for 2017, there’s five Claytons listed, and one of them is now Clayton Richard.  By the way, Kluber is on there seven times, five for Scherzer and only three for Sale.

Wil Myers – 2-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI, and stole three bases (12, 13, 14) in the 4th inning, 2nd, 3rd and home.  And Giancarlo stole one and he wasn’t even there!

Zack Cozart – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .313.  He blew past the 16 homers I arbitrary gave him the other day as the next number of homers he’d have when he got hurt.

John Lackey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.67 and stole a base!  The first of his career.  That man’s got horse teeth and a 38-year-old gallop to match!

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer.  HR to the Rizzo!

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer.  Au Shizz!

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Um, uh…Old as shizz!

Josh Reddick – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .295.  Kinda goofy to see Reddick hit third in the lineup, then you see the Astros almost thirty games over .500 and not so goofy.

Charlie Morton – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.69.  Stream-o-Nator loved this start, and enjoys his next one even more, so if you’ve gone this far with Morton, don’t let up yet.

Tim Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, now five homers for the O’s, and four of them oppo, hitting .485 in August.  Seriously asking, why did the Rays get rid of him?  Could someone please answer?  This shizz is keeping me up at night.  What, you don’t want Grey to get his requisite ten hours?

Edwin Diaz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, and three straight walks to load the bases to open the ninth inning.  He looked like he couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn, even if the word “BARN” was painted on Billy Butler’s back.  Diaz has now given up five runs in his last three appearances.  Prolly too early for a straight switch, but maybe there’s something wrong with Diaz’s arm, elbow, armbow.  No matter, I grabbed Nick Vincent, and David Phelps will be back soon from the DL, and could also be an option.

Yonder Alonso – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  First home run since his trade to the M’s, and it couldn’t have come at a better time, in the 4th inning vs. Ubaldo.  Hmm, should’ve left it at “it couldn’t have come at a better time.”  Stephen King was right, lose extraneous words, I think he said that, maybe, hmm.

Clayton Kershaw – Could start his rehab assignment on Monday.  Since I don’t own him, here’s hoping his rehab takes longer than Michael Madsen and Lohan’s combined.

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.83.  I don’t own him, so it doesn’t matter to me, but, man, the Darvish starts of 7 IP, 12 Ks are few and far between this year.

Nicky Delmonico – 3-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .396.  Hey, it’s Lounge Singer, Nicky Delmonico, playing his number one hit, “I’m Kinda Better Than Todd Frazier.”  It’s catchier than the name implies.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer.  I texted Endorphin Ralph and Halp yesterday, “I got sonavabenched on Tuesday by not starting Rhys, and that is not happening again, so I’m starting Rhys over Abreu on Wednesday.”  Crazy like a fox!  That’s me.

Carlos Rodon – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.00.  Can I write my Carlos Rodon 2018 sleeper post yet?

Jake Petricka – 0 IP, 2 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 9.00.  Rick Renteria says he wants to give guys a shot to earn the closer job.  Rick, suggestion.  Lick your pencil tip and cross off Petricka’s name.

Mikie Mahtook – 1-for-3, 2, runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his third homer this week, and hitting near-.375 in that time.  Hot schmotato alert!

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (12) and legs (9), hitting .248.  Member in the preseason when Kinsler said Latin players shouldn’t show so much emotion?  Well, Kinsler’s lucky, he’s had nothing to be enthusiastic about this year.

Elvis Andrus – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (23), hitting .299.  Adrian Beltre (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) and Nomar Mazara (3-for-5, 3 RBIs) also homered in this game.  Who has the most homers of these three?  Yup, Andrus.  You saw that coming in March.

Joey Gallo – 2-for-4, and his 35th homer, and ten homers in 14 August games.  Obviously, Donkey Dong Jr. leads the league in barreling up.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.04, and three homers allowed.  I don’t know, dudes and five non-dudes, he’s tantalizing AF.  Is 26 years old with a 97 MPH fastball and a season under his belt of 200+ IP and a 2.60 ERA.  I mean, it’s there.  Somewhere.  He’s throwing his change twice as much this year, but it has worked for him.  His curve has been gizzarbage, but that pitch was irrelevant when he had his breakout season, so.  Dot dot dot.  Yup, still don’t know.  I think he can be better, but two seasons straight of lousy results, it’s going to be hard to be super excited about him next year.

Josh Bell – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .260.  If I would’ve told you in March, you’d get this from Bell this year, you would’ve drafted him in every league.  Yet, after all the offense this year, he feels so yawnstipating.

Orlando Arcia – Out with back spasms.  Apparently, the happiest place on earth is not Orlando, FLare-up.  True story, I was trying to do a joke, with Orlando, FL, and asked my mom, who is a doctor, for an FL word, and she was like, “Only thing I can think of is floculus,” and I was like, “Well, you need to floculus better,” and then we laughed.  S’nerdy!

Jimmy Nelson – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER (5 unearned), 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.74.  “Hey, guys watch my impersonation of the Crash Test Dummies.”  “The band or the–”  As Jimmy Nelson hits a wall.  “Oh, I see, not the band.”  Nelson’s next start is such an easy matchup, I’d hold him, but that would definitely be the nail in the coffin if he’s bad vs. the Ryder Jones-led Giants.

Keon Broxton – 2-for-4 and his 18th and 19th homers, and 2nd and 3rd homer in two games.  It’s not my habit to mention hitters who hit pinch hit home runs, and I didn’t on Wednesday after Broxton’s pinch-hit jobber on Tuesday night, but now he has three homers in two games, and I CAN’T QUIT HIM!

Neil Walker – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 1st home run since the trade.  I prefer to call him Army Crawler.

Travis Shaw – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer, hitting .293.  Still one behind Thames’ 27 homers in the race to lead the Brewers in homers that only I care about, but, in the big picture for fantasy value, it’s not close with Shaw leading Thames by fifty points in average and almost thirty RBIs.

Manny Pina – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Fun fact!  A Spanish porn actress is called a Manny Pingas.

Jered Weaver – Announced his retirement.  I’ll never forget the time it was “Bring Your Dog To The Park” Day and Weaver threw his fastball and a Golden Retriever jumped down from the stands and grabbed the pitch before it reached home plate.