Jameson Taillon was sidelined indefinitely as he’s being treated for testicular cancer. *everyone but five girl readers cross their legs* As a man, this is up there with the scariest things that could happen. 1. Ball cancer. 2. Someone scratches my ride. 3. Hearing “Are you in yet?” when you’re in. That’s ranked in order, but they’re close. This reminds me of the time I neutered my dog. I asked the doctor if I could take home in a formaldehyde jar my boys’ ‘berries.’ I told the doctor no dog would ever misbehave with a constant reminder nearby that I could hold up to show what I was capable of. They didn’t give the jar to me. Hopefully Taillon’s okay, and back soon. I will say I would’ve liked to be there when his replacement, Trevor Williams, was asked to take the ball. Williams gulps, “Can we clarify which ball you mean?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon McCarthy – Skipped in the rotation after hurting his non-throwing shoulder. He also hit the DL, but will make his next start, because the DL is now 5 seconds long.
Chris Taylor – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .395. I’m told Chris Taylor has a new approach this year, and is not the woman married to Ben Stiller. A) Okay. B) Marcia Marcia Marcia. C) There’s no C. Taylor is a platoon player, and out of a job when Forsythe returns.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .246. When Puig lets one fly!
Alex Wood – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.73. I’ve been telling people to grab Wood — stop giggling — for as long as he’s been in the rotation.
Matt Duffy – Said he’s running at 90% and ready for rehab games. I’m writing at ninety percen.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Short schedule day, batty call, Colby Rasmus! Could actually be a sign of a little schmotato here because he has two homers in the last three games.
Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 1st and 2nd steals, and the Royals exploded for seven runs. I think that was one-third of the Royals’ season-long production in one game. Thanks, Blake I’ll Never Snell The 6th Inning.
Mike Trout – MRI on his hamstring came back clean. When Trout left the room, the MRI was heard squealing, “I got to MRI Mike effin’ Trout!”
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He was sidelined in April, so hitting his first home run now isn’t as crazy as it sounds. Valbuena does tend to get insanely hot for stretches like Yoga Mom, so you’ve been warned.
Kendall Graveman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.67 vs. Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.31. This matchup was billed as, “Graveman vs. I Thought His Career Was In The Grave, Man.” The outcome was a no decision, which sounds like a philosophical problem.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-5 and two homers (3, 4), hitting near-.300 in the last week and three homers in the last nine games, and are you getting excited about Lowrie yet either? Nah, I didn’t think so.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Not expected to hit the DL over his injured thumb. Just call him Asthumbelina.
Denard Span – Says he’s ready for rehab games. And Ben Revere said, “You better believe it!” Then Denard Span said, “Did I say that?”
Matt Moore – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.52. Ah, the ol’ trying to make people believe the AL East is easier to pitch in than the NL. Yeah, no one’s buying it, Moore, or you.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .254. Remember the “I’ll Draw A Cat For You” on Shark Tank? They need a “I’ll Draw The Gangly Manbird For You” guy.
Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 5 Walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.06. While it is true I told everyone to buy him on Friday, and he did look basically unhittable, it wasn’t without some command problems. His next start is vs. the White Sox, and I’d roll him out there again, but I was neither encouraged or discouraged by last night.
Ryan Schimpf – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .172. You know who made –pf bang’s a batty call? This guy with two thumbs pointing towards his luxurious mustache!
Austin Hedges – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .188. I can’t believe I drafted this schmohawk and dropped him before getting one homer. Who’s the real schmohawk here?
Cory Spangenberg – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. Doesn’t Spangenberg sound like a name of a kid who teachers even called by his nickname only to occasionally drop the “Mr. Spangenberg” when he was in trouble?
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-2 and a slam (4) and legs (2). For one night, in May, the stars aligned and Choo thought it was 2013 again.
Shawn Kelley – Threw a bullpen session and is aiming to return on Friday. Picture someone juggling three meat cleavers, now picture someone throwing another meat cleaver into the mix. Now rather than thinking about a professional clown doing the juggling, picture Dusty Baker.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 1 run, and hit two homers on Sunday. I’m not excited about him, but he is hot, so my excitement doesn’t matter.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. On the podcast that’s coming later today, or tomorrow if you’re in Australia, I talk to Halp about how I own Darren O’Day for possible vulture saves. So, how did I know exactly who Harper hit his home run off of? I didn’t even need to look. *lines tacks pointy-side up on desk, slams head down*
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.64. The Regression Fairies love to put chia seeds on their yogurt, they have a candy apple red PT Cruiser, and they will destroy your ratios.
Joey Rickard – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week. I was gonna say ‘hot schmotato alert’ but four empty at-bats after his home run dampers that a little.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .236. Is that fog on the mirror under Trumbo’s nose? It can’t be!
Trey Mancini – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .303. Ugh, I want Mancini to be a thing — a thingini? — and maybe he is, but Showalter sits him so randomly. I mean, he’s hitting over .600 in the last week. How does he sit ever? Not to answer, but to ruminate.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.63. Is that the preseason breakout Kevin Gausman that I’ve heard so much about? Welcome to 2017! This wasn’t an easy matchup (vs. Nats), but his next one is against the Royals, and I don’t need to look at Stream-o-Nator to know I like that, so I’d go one start at a time for now with Gausman, and his next start is a go.
Ryan Howard – Braves released him. I picture the Braves driving their team bus to the stadium, when they pull over to the side of the road, and are like, “Hey, Howard, this is your stop.” Howard looks around, “Is that a rest stop up there on the right?” “Go find out!”
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .342. I go over Hicks also on today’s podcast. I’m crazy about him, but he does have PT concerns. This is different than the PT Cruiser mentioned above.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 6th homer. Also, in this game, Brett Gardner went 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 6th homer. After the game, the Yankees said, “Now we see what Thames meant when he said he wanted a Reds pitcher to throw to him in the Home Run Derby.”
Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .286. Don’t be trying to look like Freeman. Freeman’s the new you. You’re the old you, Votto!
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.38. Solid bounce back after he was diagnosed with ‘general arm soreness’ last time out. His Ks have been way down (like his stature), but he’s going on about five months of baseball with around a 3.50 ERA, dating back to last year.
Russell Martin – Hit the DL with shoulder irritation. Martin said, “I’m hoping to be back in time to get traded away from this godforsaken team in July.” Luke Maile will take over for Martin, which isn’t great for fantasy, but he was married to Candice Bergen, so that’s hot.
Dexter Fowler – Hopes to return Tuesday. Okay, but Piscotty better not return for another three months because I just paid big-time for Tommy Pham, the Ice Cream Man, and I ain’t trying to spend FAAB for no reason, and, yes, this is about me!
Wei-Yin Chen – Won’t start this week. Don Mattingly said. “The news on the plane didn’t sound as encouraging as it was the other day like when there was no doubt he was going to make his next start. Let’s make a left here. Okay, I’m flying, so I gotta go. Choo-choo! Oh, that’s a train?”
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, and his 11th homer, hitting .258. If he gets to 50 homers this year, I will swallow a bottle of estrogen and rub melted butter all over his caramel skin.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers, hitting .325. OZUNA think once is good, but once twice is better. OZUNA talking about Once, the Irish musical.