There’s nothing better than an April Fools’ prank that is so sly it’s barely perceptible as a prank. You don’t even know if it’s a gag. One year, I had a sound engineer friend make a recording that said, “This call is being recorded. A copy of that recording is available automatically to the police and the prosecutors.” Then used that to call my mom and tell her I was in jail for accidentally running down a family of four. “But mom the light was yellow!” Apparently, I overestimated how funny she’d find that phone call, and twelve years later, she still calls me the night before April Fools’ to remind me not to pull any pranks on her. This year the best prank I saw was one done by Major League Baseball. It was so slight, if you blinked you’d miss it. For their prank, they scheduled a half day on a Sunday. Since 1908, MLB has played a full schedule of games on Sunday. What a great joke! Well done, MLB. But, seriously, this is a joke, right? Any hoo! Know what’s not a joke, the love Trevor Williams has for Razzball, apparently:
Yesterday, Williams wasted no time to prove to me that his love for us is as strong as my love for him. He went 6 IP, 0 ER with zero hits, but he failed to locate as well, and walked five guys, while racking up only one strikeout. I believe his love for Razzball is only growing so this is just the beginning of great things to come. Notice spelling of ‘come,’ you sickos. On the reals, I like Williams for this year, and wrote a Trevor Williams sleeper for him this preseason. Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Marcell Ozuna was traded to the Cards, because the Marlins only had him under control until the end of 2019, and the Marlins are playing for 2022. Then, in 2023, the Marlins will be playing for 2042. Seriously, what the eff are the Marlins doing? I understand trying to get younger, but they’re trading guys who are young. It’s not like they’re moving Martin Prado. Maybe having a guy who discarded women when they reached the age of 22 isn’t the best idea to run a club. Jeter continues to view 27-year-olds as ancient. Hey, Jeter, you’re not unloading Minka Kelly here, you’re unloading Jessica Biel. With the extra Wild Card, I’ll never understand slashing an entire team. Before the selling spree, the Marlins were literally two players away from a Wild Card berth. Now, they’re five years away. Madness, man, madness. Any hoo! Marcell Ozuna averaged 413 feet on his home runs last year, because OZUNA strong. If you overlay his home runs last year with his new park, he keeps his 37 homers and gains an extra one. It’s more or less a push in the Busch. OZUNA love Busch, it is OZUNA favorite type of hedge, much better hedge than saying someone will be president next year without saying a name. For 2018, I’ll give Ozuna the projections of 101/35/106/.278/1 in 607 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:
The Astros exploded for 17 runs yesterday, and it was the second game in the last three where they scored at least 16 runs. Twins pitching, “Hold my beer…” Am I doing that right? The hero of the Astros’ offense, and a man that is widely known as George Jefferson Springer led the way with 4-for-4, 4 runs and his 12th homer and 13th homers, hitting .265. The only thing missing from George Springer‘s game is saving a baby that is stuck in a tree and/or figuring out a way to ensure future babies don’t get stuck in the same tree (and maybe some steals). Serious question, why is Springer hitting leadoff and Jose Altuve (1-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .319) in the two-hole? It’s not hurting the Astros, but it is hurting my fantasy teams’ RBI totals! Evan Gattis (4-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer) needs to hit cleanup? How about Alex Bregman (2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer) hits cleanup, Marwin Gonzalez (2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer) hits fifth, Gattis sixth and Yulieski Gurriel (1-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs) hits eighth or lower? Is that the most obvious thing I’ve ever said in my life? Okay, after the time I said, “I’m not going up in any hot air balloon.” All right, also not as obvious as the time I said, “I’m lost,” after driving around for two hours pretending I knew where I was going. Fine, also after the time I said, “I can’t bench press 55 pounds.” After those things, this is the most obvious thing I’ve ever said. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
On Saturday, Stephen Strasburg went 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 15 Ks, ERA at 2.94. That’s right, fifteen strikeouts, a career high. Ah… If only every starter got to face the Padres in every game…*wavy lines* Hey, Danny Salazar is facing the Padres? This is awesome! Wait, why is he walking a guy with a .260 OBP? Did he just give up a homer to Erick Aybar? He’s having an epileptic fit trying to pronounce Szczur?! He’s wiping a booger on my Reggie Jackson rookie card?! How does he even have my Reggie rookie card?! Mom, did you give Danny Salazar my Reggie rookie card?! Oh my God, make it stop….Please… *wavy lines* Worst dream sequence ever! On this day of BBQs and Memorials, hot dogs and beer, baseball and refreshing our fantasy baseball team page, we can be thankful Strasburg is not a dream. Though, the reality is Strasburg was a 2.62 ERA pitcher in the 1st half last year and a 6.15 ERA pitcher in the 2nd. Happy Memorial Day! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ever been on a couples trip to the beach where the other couples have AT LEAST three kids a pop? That’s right, I say “at least”, for I am not even entirely sure how many of these little bastards I’ll be d*cking around with. I bring this up only because I’ve been participating in extravagant amounts of soul-searching, spending more time on my knees than Elton John’s personal taint-trimmer, begging the Elders for a resolution that never seems to arrive: Does Beddict want children of his own some day? First off, who are you to say that I don’t have a child somewhere that I don’t know about? Secondly, I passed out last night before even finishing a paragraph as, for some reason, people still actually believe getting fast food is a wonderful idea, even though it’s full of outrageously disgusting products that make me feel like I just inhaled four sticks of deep fried butter and washed it down with a liter of turbo-lax. Seriously, I love sitting around with 17 kids, pretending to be somewhat interested in whatever these other adults living the American dream have to say, while simultaneously following all the MLB action going on and wondering if their wive’s were attractive at one point in time…
“Sorry, what did you say dude? Your truck has how much horsepower and your hatch-back with super-sick exhaust is hella bad-ass, even though you are pushing 50? Why are your dogs locked in a cage in the middle of the living room and why do they look as if they would love nothing more than to chew on my throat for 35 minutes, following that up with a neighborhood cat-killing spree that makes The Purge, look tamer than Home Alone 3, you know the one with that wack ass kid from Liar, Liar?”
I seriously need answers on how you guys/gals live your life with actual children around all the time… I cannot get anything done. In fact, I can hear the little beasts now, as everyone is waking up for a FULL 8 hours on the beach in 90-plus degree weather. Maybe I’ll tell them I’m almost done with an extremely important write-up and that I’ll meet them at their beach spot, when in fact I’ll just be doing lines with one of those creepy bathroom attendant dudes who sells cologne spray and single cigarettes at the local strip club, which I’m sure is absolute garbage. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Anyway, here’s what I noticed last night regarding the fantasy baseball world as I rudely ignored all the other adults in the house. Take heed!
Matt Adams was acquired by the Braves for Juan Yepez, who was always a little too excitable for the Braves — Yepez! See? Not a good look. It was a tearful exit from the Cardinals’ clubhouse for Adams. His emotions hit a crescendo when he realized he couldn’t carry out all the food he had accumulated in the clubhouse refrigerator. Through tears, “Why didn’t I learn to balance soda on my head like I was Jamaican?” Hey, mon, they have grape soda in Atlanta. Adams will be the 1st baseman in Atlanta until Freeman returns, while conceding to Loney on occasion, assuming Adams doesn’t try to eat him, “I thought his jersey read Baloney! I’m a terrible person!” Adams gets a boost in value, but mostly just for NL-Only and very deep leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
The phrase is no longer “Chicks dig the longball,” it’s “Chicks dig the flyball.”
From the forgotten (Yonder Alonso) to our freshest superstars (Francisco Lindor), the want for more lift in hopes of combating infield shifts hasn’t played favorites in the style of hitter it acquires. While Alonso and Lindor lead list of qualified hitters with the largest increase in flyball percentage compared to last year, another name sits atop the list of hitters with the highest overall flyball rates in 2017.
Ryan Schimpf (63.8%).
I’m barely five months into my Razzball tenure and this is my second column about a San Diego Padres’ player (Austin Hedges was my first). Maybe my next one will be about that first basemen who has been better than Anthony Rizzo! Wil Myers who?
The title reminds me of an old joke — stop me if you’ve heard it — a guy with a wooden eye walks into a bar and pours out his heart to the bartender, “My wife left me, she said I had a bad temper, and, with this disability — this wooden eye, I will never find another girl.” The bartender puts down the glass he’s shining because that’s what bartenders do to talk and says, “I’m not going to lie to you, your wooden eye could be a problem. You need to find a girl with problems of her own. How about you try that girl by herself on the dance floor? The one with the big ears.” So the guy with the wooden eye downs his shot of whiskey, wipes his mouth with his sleeve and approaches the girl, “Do you wanna dance?” She swoons, “Would I?” “F*ck you, Dumbo!” So, Alex Wood is in Coors tomorrow. Um, yeah, no thank you, but this is about the bigger picture. Well, not too big of a picture, because the Dodgers have about sixteen starters on the DL, so at some point Wood might not be in the rotation. He is now, though, and he’s lovely. He has a 11.5 K/9. That would be the fifth best starter K-rate and better than his rotation mate, Kershaw. Wood has a 2.49 xFIP, which would be third in the majors for starters, behind only Chris Sale and Pineda. To touch on stats that actually matter, his ERA is 2.73, and he’s been unlucky! You’d be hard-pressed to find one area where Wood is not excelling. Am I grabbing him in all leagues? Of course! Wait, are you asking, ‘would I?’ F*ck you, Dumbo! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Who doesn’t like Milwaukee? I grew up in Chicago and never made the trek to Milwaukee until I was in my college years…well I have been on my way to Milwaukee a few times, and on that road (the famous Highway 41) there was a place where you could buy both porno and bongs (which, as a high school senior, was pretty excellent); so that’s usually as far as me and my friends would travel. I don’t know if it’s still there since every other gas station sells bongs now and VHS tapes aren’t a thing anymore I doubt it.
Over the years I’ve appreciated Milwaukee for lots of reasons: Summerfest, Irish Fest, and Miller Park that even has a little league field in the parking lot! A number of years ago I ate some excellent burritos at a diner (with a metal detector) late night in Milwaukee that had the skinniest security guard with the thinnest mustache. He got into it with the people sitting in the booth next to ours; two sizable, scantily clad women, who proceeded to grab him and hit him while they were sitting in the booth and eventually took it outside with him. They slapped him around some more although it wasn’t more than a scuffle. After it was over, a buddy of mine bought the larger of the two women a rose (because at 2 am of course there is a guy selling roses, right?). She was not pleased. She took the rose but was not pleased about it, and yelled at him.
This is getting out of hand! If you follow me on Twitter, you’ve seen my share my process of how I keep track of which players are getting mentioned in injury reports. By the end of Thursday night there were 25 players listed in my Google Doc. Luckily for them (and me) some have returned to play since they were first mentioned as possibly being injured.
Normally I am not someone who would recommend changing your league’s rules mid-season, but due to this new 10-day disabled list we are seeing a lot more players being placed on the DL. You might want to talk to your league commissioner and other owners about having an emergency vote about adding 1 more DL-spot to your rosters if at all possible.
As always, if you’ve got any questions regarding injuries that are specific to your league — please drop a comment below and I’ll get back to you within 24 hours!