Matt Adams was acquired by the Braves for Juan Yepez, who was always a little too excitable for the Braves — Yepez! See? Not a good look. It was a tearful exit from the Cardinals’ clubhouse for Adams. His emotions hit a crescendo when he realized he couldn’t carry out all the food he had accumulated in the clubhouse refrigerator. Through tears, “Why didn’t I learn to balance soda on my head like I was Jamaican?” Hey, mon, they have grape soda in Atlanta. Adams will be the 1st baseman in Atlanta until Freeman returns, while conceding to Loney on occasion, assuming Adams doesn’t try to eat him, “I thought his jersey read Baloney! I’m a terrible person!” Adams gets a boost in value, but mostly just for NL-Only and very deep leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jaime Garcia – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Yo Garcia Garcia! & Friends! is a streamer, so we turn our eyes to the lonely Stream-o-Nator.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Real text convo between Rudy and I. Me, “Strasburg title?” 10 seconds later, “Forget I asked, he’s just a solid starter having a solid start vs. a lousy team.” Ten minutes later from Rudy, “Ok.”
Koda Glover – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save. I mean, no dur. This is so no dur that Dur calls up his relatives and looks to get a class action lawsuit together for the infringing on the family name of Dur. Yet — again with some stank — YET! I bet Dusty would say Glover is not their closer, because DUR!
Nate Karns – Sounds headed to the DL with tightness in his elbow. There’s more babies born in The Handmaid’s Tale than healthy starters in the majors.
Brandon Moss – 3-for-4, and two homers (7, 8). He has eight homers and 11 RBIs. His RBIs are like his HRs – solo(w).
Salvador Perez – 3-for-8, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer in the 1st game and 10th and 11th homers in the 2nd game for the Ernie Banks Special! In fifteen years, we’re gonna look back at Sal Perez’s career, and be like, “He was much better than I thought for a long time. Then, tomorrow, I will forget him forever.”
Max Kepler – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .260. I told you he was going to be good! *slowly backs away from angry mob, backs into another angry mob with pitchforks, gulps* So, how about that Odor?
Vince Velasquez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.98. It’s gonna be fun in October to look back and say, “I might’ve won that league if I didn’t hold Velasquez for such a gee-dee long time.” You were facing the freakin’ Pirates, doode! And you were beat by Freese and Cervelli! Freese and Cervelli couldn’t hit their way out of paper bag! Though, that would have to be a large paper bag and is there light in there? It might be an unfair challenge.
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.52, as he was activated from the DL. There should be some kind of law that a pitcher can’t be activated for a Sunday start because it messes up weekly leagues. Not a rule. An actual law. C’mon, Steve Bannon, you personification of Rumplemintz, make this happen!
Ivan Nova – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Ivan is so much better than the iWatch.
Chad Kuhl – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.85. “Kuhl,” said like John Oliver.
Aaron Sanchez – Hit the DL for the third time this season. Ooh, ooh, ooh! I just thought of something! Someone this year can break Chipper Jones’ most times to the DL in a season record with 17 times. Would you put an asterisk on that record? Would the asterisk cause another injury? I have questions, y’all!
Marco Estrada – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.30 vs. Orioles. “Ton of Ponch-outs for Estrada,” said Mr. Exposition. This is a matchup that has me fascinated. This vs. Orioles matchup. Mostly because I’m looking forward to what Berrios does against them. I agree with Lance’s Jose Berrios fantasy. Why am I talking about Berrios instead of Estrada? Because you know Estrada.
Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.550 in the last week. No, I don’t why you’re waiting to grab him.
Adam Jones – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .276. Me and, me and, me and Mr. Jones, he got a thing goin’on (sic). Sic is the absolutely douchiest thing to do after the strikeout text. Like, “Not only am I going to copy what this dope wrote, but I’m not going to correct it. Instead, I will point out I know they are wrong.”
Francisco Liriano – As he works his way back from the DL, he will throw live batting practice on Tuesday at which Jose Bautista will do a bat flip, because he does bat flips during the most electrifying and critical baseball moments.
A.J. Griffin – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA up to 5.02. Alfredo Jettucine was creamed, and no one even came by the table with a pepper grinder.
DJ LeMahieu – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .299. Not bad for a French DJ who prolly spins some awful EDM. If it doesn’t have words or instruments, it’s not a song. Now get off my lawn!
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-3 and his 3rd. I’m so happy to see CarGo do something, so I can address a trade that went down in my RCL. [email protected] traded Jose Altuve, Porcello, Reddick and Polanco for Justin Turner, Duffy, Hicks and CarGo to Prospector Ralph. This is the 2nd time someone has traded a collection of garbage for a 1st rounder. Where do I line up for a four crappy players for a 1st rounder trade? Is there a line? Do I take a number? Sorry for those of you that own Altuve, but I hope he breaks his sixteen-inch drumsticks he calls legs.
Pat Valaika – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. When you’re giving someone’s fantasy team the evil eye, it’s called ‘The Valaika.’
Scott Schebler – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .255. To paraphrase myself from some point in March, I ain’t got no time for bird sex and I’m not drafting Schebler again this year because Razzball/Steamer projections always love him. And that’s me paraphrasing me! Apparently, should’ve made time for bird sex and Schebler.
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-3, and a homer on Saturday, hitting .317. Totes just eliciting catcher questions now.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer this weekend and fifth homer in the last nine games. He’s literally only hitting homers. Okay, not literally literally, but kinda literally literally.
Brian McCann – Hit the 7-day DL with a concussion. McCann said, “I was licking my wrist and suddenly forgot where I was,” when the Astros explained to him he was neither a cat nor a lollipop, McCann looked puzzled.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .281. He’s fallen into a platoon, and I don’t think he can get up.
Alex Bregman – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Carlos Beltran had one hit, a solo homer, his 4th. Derek Bell was the only Astro to not homer yesterday. By the by, Derek Bell has the saddest photos I’ve ever seen when you Google his name. Have some ice cream, and no more crack cocaine for you!
Mike Clevinger – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.56 thru 17 1/3 IP. Clevinger sounds like he carpools with Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger. “We should just take the hearse.” That’s Clevinger throwing the car keys to Voorhees. Clevinger has a 9.9 K/9, but also a 5.7 BB/9 and I’d be scared of him in all leagues and closets.
Corey Kluber – On track for a rehab start this Thursday. He’s been out a while. Apparently, he had one of those ‘real injury’ DL stints. Hard to tell nowadays.
Danny Salazar – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, 2 HRs allowed, ERA at 5.55. He cruised to the W on the Ivictory Coast, but everything that’s been wrong was still wrong yesterday.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .267. Yan can hit and so can you! (Not really.)
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .169. I don’t know if the Mets will give him everyday at-bats anymore if everyone stays healthy, but Granderson strikes me as a guy that would hit .230 with 20+ homers if he got the playing time. Not a huge vote of confidence, but it’s something.
Cam Bedrosian – Will throw off the mound on Monday. As they say in baseball circles, Sunday’s funday and Monday’s mound day.
Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. I was thisclose to streaming him, because his opposing pitcher was Tommy “I’m A Milone-aire.” For those not familiar with that phrase, it’s what you say on a first date. “I’m a Milone-aire,” then five dates later you can say, “I never said I was a millionaire,” and not be a liar.
Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (9), hitting .350. The Milone-able object meets the unstoppable force.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. The Sciosciapath is crazy enough to bench a guy that seems to be getting hot, but, just in case he doesn’t, I grabbed Cron for today’s short schedule day.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-1 as a pinch hitter, as he was activated from the DL on Saturday. What will be his playing time? I wouldn’t bother asking Piscotty.
Carlos Martinez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.28 vs. Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.57. This lived up to the pre-game billing of “C-Mart vs. Samard, wait, did you just say the same thing?” As each pitcher looked nearly identical all game.
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting over .400 in the last week with four steals. I’ve been telling you to grab The Convent; he’s making it a habit to be a hot schmotato.
Ryan Braun – 0-for-5, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. Let’s take bets when Braun will be sidelined with his next injury. Not DL’d, just benched with an injury. All the Brewers have to say is something like, “Braun out with a sore quad,” or anything. Not simply a day of rest. I’m gonna say May 29th. Just comment below with a date when Braun will be injured next. In case of someone saying more than one day, person who guessed first wins. The Price is Right rules apply, if no one gets exact day, person who is closest without going over wins. I will send the winner a Razzball t-shirt.
Kris Bryant – 3-for-3, 4 runs, and two homers (9, 10), hitting .303. I just took the Buzzfeed Quiz, “How do you know if you are a submissive bi-chick?” At the end there was no “You are because you want to snuggle with Kris Bryant,” so I guess I’m not a submissive bi-chick.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .226. HR to the Rizzo!
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.80. Well, I never said he’d be a 5+ ERA guy either.
Robbie Ray – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. This start was vs. the Padres, which is a slam dunk like Shaq’s kid over a bunch of 4th graders, so it doesn’t mean anything, but live with me for a second. I have Ray on my Tout Wars team; Grey’s high-stepping right now.
Taijuan Walker – Hit the DL with a blister. *opens book titled, The History of the Sport Baseball That No Longer Exists, reads, “Chapter 1: How Blisters Sent All Pitchers to the DL, and How They Never Returned.” Wow, used almost all their word count on the titles.
Ryan Schimpf – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .165. –pf’s bang!
Clayton Richard – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Might be our first appearance of a hodgepadre this year.
Trevor Cahill – Headed for an MRI on his sore shoulder after feeling something when throwing from 75 feet. Or three-quarters of a Cespedes, as it’s commonly referred.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.76. This lines him up to start again on June 17th. I’m only half-joking. The ‘not funny’ half.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.10. In case the last five times that I said you should own him didn’t sink in to your laid-concrete head-skull, yes, I like him. With that said (throwing out the baby with the bathwater!), it’s hard to get super excited about starts in Fenway unless it’s Chris Sale.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and homers in three straight games. I like to scream to my real estate agent, “Mitch Moreland!” By the way, I’m about to start a Kickstarter for a home. Holy schnikes, shizz is expensive. No one actually owns a home, right? Are you people all squatters?
Chad Pinder – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last four games. Like John McCain, Pinder needs to shake his platoon to have real value.
Matt Andriese – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.75. He was thrown out of the game after hitting Aaron Judge with a pitch. “Was that what that was? I thought it was a mosquito.” That’s Aaron Judge after the beaning.
Chris Archer – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.76. He’s striking out more guys this year, right? No, not right. He’s striking out the same number of hitters as he always strikes out. He’s been doing this for three years. Unfortch, his command isn’t where it was during his 2015 breakout.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .282. With both Gardner and Hicks hitting well, they’re doing damage to each others’ fantasy values. Can’t they take turns with one of them being terrible while the other hits, then flip-flop?
Didi Gregorius – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .322. He was in this Friday’s Buy, because I’m psychic, and I knew I was going to say that, and that, and that, and– It can get challenging to move on to the future as a psychic.
Edwin Diaz – Scott Servais said Diaz could be back in the closer’s role next time there’s a save. Was there a closer change if no one else got a save? A question as deep as what happened to Sister Cathy.
James Paxton – Shooting for a May 31st return. This blurb was secretly financed by the NRA.
Derek Holland – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA 2.47. Yesterday was marked by a huge number of garbage pitchers doing well. Holland is the embodiment of this. Ooh, Shark Tank Idea! Underwear that smells like mint. I will call them Embodimints, and I will sell dozens!
Tim Anderson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting over .400 in the last week. If this makes this schmotato go down any easier, I picked him up the other day.
Avisail Garcia – 0-for-3 and two home runs (7, 8) on Saturday, hitting .350. He’s having himself a bit of a solid year so far, huh? Easy answer there is yes, you don’t need to think about it too long. By the by, he was pulled for Willy Garcia in Sunday’s game, because Rick Renteria is challenging C**nt Hurdle for the worst manager award. Don’t tell them, but there is no worst manager award. By the by, Part II, One More By-By: the White Sox three Garcia outfield (with Leury) should just go by Garthreea. Though, people might just think they’re from Barcelona.