Justin Smoak isn’t simply the hottest hitter in all of baseball. No! There’s more! He’s hitting near-.400 in the last week with four homers. But wait, there’s more! Justin Smoak is the world’s first liquid smoke for a fantasy team. Put Justin Smoak on your fantasy team and it instantly adds an unmistakable Smoak flavor. Sick of bland boeuf Welington, try Justin Smoak! Once you taste Justin Smoak, you’re gonna be like, “Now I know why those crazy Canadians measure everything in meat’ers!” This Eve is not covering her naughty bits with a fig leaf, she’s wearing Smoak’d beef! Justin Smoak adds such flavor to a fatty piece of old beef it now becomes lean and fresh, leaving our Spanish customers saying, “Si, newy!” I don’t want to Bragg about our Liquid Aminos, but Justin Smoak can be added to real-live cows and they take on the unmistakeable smell of an ashtray! All of this for the low, low price of a waiver wire pickup! Justin Smoak is too good not to try! (Awaiting FDA approval.) Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Austin Hedges – Moving from Smoak to one half of Benson & Hedges is just how Pall Mall would’ve wanted it. If the next player is Philip Morris Chesterfield, I’m gonna say Razzball is in the deep pockets of Big Tobacco. On our Player Rater, any idea how high Hedges is for catchers? Nope. Try higher. Keep going. 4th best catcher, and not exactly close.
Josh Bell – I just went over Bell this morning. If you use your scrolly finger in conjunction with your mousey hand, you should find it.
Logan Morrison – The way these 1st basemen are all coming together this week, it reminds me of the sportsmanship exhibited when John Olerud offered Robin Ventura his steel cap to avoid further noogies.
Neil Walker – Get out the tennis balls, Walker is starting to move.
Tim Beckham – Becks and Posh isn’t just David & Victoria Beckham, isn’t just a German beer and an adjective used instead of ‘South-Ken’ing awesome;’ it’s Tim Beckham and his ability to posh past other middle infielders. (Not forced at all!)
Tim Anderson – I almost put Chris Taylor here, but Forsythe is gonna return soon. By the way, John Forsythe prolly has the most handsome corpse. Lorenzo Lamas wishes he were dead and looked that good. As for Anderson, oh, ya know, just your random schmotato that is hitting over-.500 in the last week and who I’ve grabbed all over. I mean, I grabbed him in multiple leagues, not that I grabbed him all over his schnoogels.
Didi Gregorius – He used to get feels on a pitch, hey, whatever happened to James Shields with a pitch, don’t try to stop Didi from that shortstop shizz.
Amed Rosario – Don’t think it’s quite time yet in shallower leagues, but at some point very soon I’m going to make Rosario the lede and you’re not going to be able to grab him anymore.
Ian Happ – Here’s what I said the other day, “The Cubs are saying this callup is only for a few days while the Cubs get back to health. Couple thoughts here: A) He could be better than Ben Zobrist right now. B) The Cubs don’t mind promoting him because they have no intention of holding him on their team, i.e., I could see a trade of him at some point this year. C) There’s no C. D) There’s a D, but I’m gonna put it in with E. E) I call this one Molly. F) Me. G) rey Albright. H) i. I) am Legend. J) The Cubs will send him back down. K) lmnop Q) Why wouldn’t you still own him in every league? R) You crazy? S) CarGo. T) A drink with jam and bread. U) Can’t Touch This. V) for Vendatta. W) In 26 games of Triple-A, Happ had 9 homers and a .298 average. X) Prospector Ralph said, “Power/speed skill set with the ability to draw walks. Swing and miss will keep his average lower, and he doesn’t have a true defensive position.” Y) Because. Z) There’s wasn’t a C, why would there be a Z?” And that’s me quoting me!
Keon Broxton – As I write this, I’m wearing my striped romper, so I look like a fashionable guy on the beach in 1925. Sometimes, I wear my romper to an auto garage and get all the mechanics to dance behind me like I’m their rompered Justin Timberlake, but enough about me, this is about Broxton and how he should be owned everywhere. Even Hitter-Tron agrees, like it agrees to grease all metal rods, real slow.
Scott Schebler – ‘Member when Fleer did a baseball card with Bud Black and Vida Blue and called it “Black & Blue?” They should do a card with Schebler and Altuve called “Schebler’s Elf.”
Jesse Chavez – Yes, Stream-o-Nator likes this start too, but, in the bigger picture, 40 Minutes South of Los Angeles Angels have a bunch of pitchers I’ve been streaming non-stop on a mixed league team.
James Pazos – Could be the M’s closer, but I also own Nick Vincent, because I’m a saves whore and my brothel is the waiver wire.
Corey Knebel – At this point, I’m finding it hard to envision Neftali Feliz getting the closer job back. After all, Feliz is Spanish for happy, but it’s said sarcastically, like, “Feliz navidad,” as you take pictures of your neighbor’s nativity scene at 3AM so you can put it on eBay.
Koda Glover – Dusty Baker doesn’t even know what Dusty Baker is going to do pitching-wise from moment to moment, so your guess is as good as mine.
Matt Bush – Okay, I honestly don’t understand this. Why is Matt Bush not owned in as many leagues as, say, Justin Wilson? Is this some kind of moral stand because Bush is a piece of garbage? I’m not saying Wilson shouldn’t be owned, but Bush has been the Rangers’ closer for an Urban Dictionary minute, which is actually a long time, and Bush has been where the sun don’t shine. Hmm, I got too flowery in my description, should’ve just went with ‘lights out.’
Miguel Sano – Yes, the power is real, but be realistic for, like, a half second. His BABIP right now is .411. Um, yeah, no. His strikeout rate is still near 35%. Um, okay, no. He will bat .245 this year, and with that will go bye-bye on runs and RBIs, leaving him as a straight power guy, and I don’t mean a power guy that loves the ladies, though, he might. There’s value here, but not as much as he’s shown. No, I’m not saying sell him for tickets to Dr. Phil’s studio audience for a followup appearance by the ‘Cash Me Outside’ girl.