We have our first big call-up of the major league season!!!  “Yoo-hoo!”  You want chocolate milk, Cody Bellinger?  “I was drawing attention to myself, since I was called up first.”  Oh, yeah, but you feel like you were always here.  “Oh, well, that’s nice of you to say–”  Shut up, Cody Bellinger!  Bradley Zimmer, now this is a call-up!  “I’ll be up soon!”  Shut up, Amed Rosario!  This is about Bradley Zimmer.  Zimmer is a guy who is a speed-first, power-second, average-third guy.  Actually, on base percentage second in leagues that count that sorta thing.  In Triple-A, he had five homers, nine steals and a 30% strikeout rate.  He looks like Keon Broxton who should be platooned out of the lineup against lefties.  I will call him, Right-on Broxton.  I grabbed him in all leagues where he was available, you don’t want to miss out on the first big call-up.  “Seriously, are you just ignoring me?”  Bellinger, you’re getting on my last nerve!  For 2017, I’d give Zimmer a line around 45/10/40/.235/20.  That could be the best call-up of the year.  “Seriously?!”  Shut it down, CB!  Oh, and I’m aware that Zimmer went 0-for-3 with 3 Ks out of the nine hole, but Bellinger looked lost thru a whole two starts too when he was first called up.  “Keep my name out of your mouth!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Danny Salazar – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.44, and 4 solo homers allowed.  Well, at least he was throwing strikes.  Unfortch, they were meatballs that the Rays were hitting over the fence.  A lot of his peripherals are saying he should be a lot better — a near-.400 BABIP, c’mon — but I am admittedly as frustrated owning him as anyone.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .201.  “Hey, Edwin, it’s your agent, just calling to let you know the season started.”  “Fo’really?”

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  Yesterday, he started the home run onslaught.  “Yo, whaddup, dawg?”  Onslaught.  Not you, Don Slaught.

Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5 and his 7th and 8th homers.  His left stroke just went viral!  Sorry, I can’t stop listening to Humble.  That song has made my ears pregnant with earworms.

Derek Norris – 1-for-4 and his 3rd home run.  Between Der-No and d’Arnaud, it’s the only battle where a Der-No is winning.

Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 3.16.  His last inning with an extra three runs tacked onto his line eased my regret at dropping him.  Over-rue-easy?

Edwin Diaz – Was removed from the closer role, which, with how he’s been pitching, is like baseball’s mercy rule, or euthanasia.  Fun fact!  Euthanasia in Asia is called, “Old-in-Asia.”  I’m just filled with trivia!  I have no idea who will take over for Diaz.  I gambled on Nick Vincent, because he’s been the setup man; Tony Zych has worse peripherals than Diaz; Steve Cishek (1/3 IP, 3 ER) was once a closer, but is no longer one because he was terrible, and The Rze (2/3 IP, 2 ER) would be “shame on a closa who tries to close a game like a closa.”

Robinson Cano – Hit the 10-day DL because if a guy is out more than three days, he may as well get DL’d, ya heard?

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last week.  Pee-nah-lope!  Name the movie.  If you don’t know, for shame.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .254, and 2nd homer in as many games.  About time Seager remembered that he is a 25-27 HR, .260 guy every year.

Ryon Healy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .257.  You know what kind of year he’s having?  One of those where we look at him in September, and we’re like, “He has 27 homers and a .260 average?  Damn, why didn’t I just own him all year?”  You can answer in September.

Andrew Triggs – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.12.  We’re at the point where I’m starting him, and expecting him to regress and he’s not.  It’s reverse psychology or some Psych 101 term.

Mark Canha – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1), hitting near-.400 in the last week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Matt Joyce – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and third homer in the last four games.  He’s been Jack the Ripper; that’s Joyce, to wit.

Yolmer Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .329.  Usually the White Sox have crap in their two-hole, but Yolmer has been schmotato’ing around the town for a few (hitting near-.500 in the last week).

Tim Anderson – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .230 on the year, but hitting over-.400 in the last week.  He hit a go-ahead homer in the 11th inning of the White Sox/Angels game.  A game that featured Mike Trout and, uh, Anaheim.

Cameron Maybin – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .214.  In this game, he hit three doubles.  After each one, he dabbed and called it “The Maybin-lean.”  It’s totally going to catch on.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Hit the DL with a thumb sprain.  A turbulent hour in the life of Mets’ injury news:  Asdrubal will play through his thumb injury, Asdrubal will hit the DL.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .153.  Well, I don’t want to see Grandy be so bad that he needs to retire (actually I wouldn’t mind that), but he can’t get hot and challenge Conforto for when Yoenis returns.  He cannot.  You understand me, Mets organization?

Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Forgot the lunchmeat?  No worries, here comes Salami Tom!

Zack Greinke – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.09.  He looks great all year, then in a pushover matchup he gets rocked.  I see you, baseball, being all weird and shizz like the girl mechanic in the greasy romper.

Matt Albers – 0 IP, 0 ER as he pitched to two hitters in the 7th inning of a 6-1 game.  Dusty’s just trolling us now.  Nationals are one of the best teams in baseball, and I legitimately have no idea who will pitch the 7th, 8th or 9th inning on any given night, and I think I’m just like Dusty in that regard.  I guess Koda Glover pitched the ninth, so that means…Oh, c’mon, we know it means nothing with Dusty.

Gregory Polanco – Wasn’t in yesterday’s starting lineup.  Pirates said he’s not 100%.  *looks at his season stats*  Has he been 100% at any point?

Josh Harrison – 2-for-5, and his 6th homer, hitting .292.  He was recently dropped in one of my leagues, and I kinda get it.  Every day the Pirates’ offense looks like it’s about to walk the blank.

Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run, hitting .277.  Like Goldie Hawn, age looks like it finally caught up to V-Mart.  By the way, to continue down the same sexist path to alienate more of our five girl readers, age caught up to Goldie’s daughter, Kate, about 35 years earlier.  She must’ve taken after her pops in that respect, because Goldie had a good 60 years, while Kate looks about 20 years older than she is.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs, 4 BBs and his 3rd and 4th home runs in less than a week of games played.  Know why?  Cause his initials stand for Just Dong.

Brad Brach – 1 IP, 1 ER as he entered the game in the 7th inning and promptly gave up a grand slam to Just Dong.  I grabbed Darren O’Day in one league just in case Dusty’s managing the Orioles over Skype.

Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers, hitting .266.  Now has four homers in three straight games, and this is the third time I’m saying something like he’s the type to hit 10 homers in nine games.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Mark Trumbo – 4-for-7, 3 runs and his 5th homer.  See what I said 1/8th of an inch above, or three inches above if talking to a girl.

Eric Thames – Missed his second straight game with strep throat.  That reminds me of the time Evan Gattis got strep throat from drinking unfinished beers in the bleachers.

Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .294.  Where is the love, Wil, I am asking.  Where is the love? [4x]

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  Keep in mind, he didn’t start going until May of last year either.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05 vs. Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.78.  For this game, Boston fans were calling Rodriguez “Swampscott” because that’s just so much better than Lynn.  Aw, don’t be bitter.  Or as they say, “Don’t be Saugus!”

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.375 in the last week.  Since this was the only day game, I watched it, which means I saw his home run.  It looked like he barely hit it and it sailed 410 feet.  Unless center field is marked 122 meters but is really 122 feet.  Hmm, that would mean the outfield is only about five feet deep, unless the pitcher’s mound is three feet from home plate.  Yeah, that’s likely it.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Too bad he’ll never hit for real power, said everyone two years ago and says no one now.

Jaime Garcia – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.65 vs. Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.60.  Jaime is kinda Spanish for Jamie, and Jamie Hector played Marlo Stanfield and both of these pitchers in shallower leagues should be on the wire.  Coincidence?  Doubtful.

Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .317.  I couldn’t hold Ender Inciarte and Pillar on the same fantasy team.  They were too much of the same thing, I told myself.  I also told myself to drop the wrong one.  Oddly enough, I don’t blame myself.

Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting near-.400 in the last week.  Hot schmotato alert!

Ian Happ – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run, hitting .400.  Here’s a novel idea:  Crime and Punishment with guinea pigs.  Here’s another idea:  Demote Schwarber, Russell, Contreras, Baez, Heyward, Rizzo and Zobrist and keep Happ around.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .221.  HR to the Rizzo!  (Finally.)

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .187.  On approximately five other occasions (exactly five other), Schwarber homered and looked ready to break out of his slump.  Yet, here we are in the middle of May and Joe Buck’s got the worst blue balls.

Addison Russell – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .226.  Wow, the Cubs team broke out of a team-wide slump yesterday.  By the way, ‘member when Maddon said some nonsense during Russell’s rookie year like, “I don’t want to bat him too high in the order to not put pressure on him.”  Yeah, a’ight, and Happ he bats no lower than cleanup.

John Lackey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.37.  This horse-toothed jackass had that great 2016 season just to suck us in, this I believe.

Zack Cozart – 2-for-5, and his 3rd homer, hitting .339.  Solid average, which is not at all what he usually does, but there would have to be a sudden departure a’la The Leftovers for me to own Cozart in 12-team mixed leagues or shallower.

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .278.  “Is he six-eight and 475 pounds of muscle?  Is he Aaron Judge?  Then whatevs,” says every Yankee fan this year.

Chris Carter – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  The Yankees are batting him ninth, which is the oddest place I’ve ever seen an all-or-nothing slugger.  It’s almost like they don’t even want him, which brings a question.  They had Bird, and don’t seem to want Carter, so why did they go get him?  Was he pushed on Girardi and he refuses to use him correctly?  I get the top five in their order is more or less set, but isn’t Ellsbury turning the lineup over in the nine hole the smarter move?  With Chris Carter, the truth is out there.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .178, but his average in April doesn’t matter.  In May, he’s hitting .233 with a .233 OBP.  Guys and five girl readers, I think we might need to punch-out some All-Star Game ballots to get Buxton on the team.

Kyle Freeland – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.13.  Stream-o-Nator isn’t crazy about his next start, and I agree.  Leave the Rockies starters for the NL-Only’ers who are trying to catch a Tampa Bay hockey team in a bottle.

Greg Holland – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 17th save, ERA at 1.04.  “I know it’s only March, and no games have been played yet, but I’m pretty happy drafting Britton and Aroldis.”

Jake Marisnick – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers.  You might better recognize this guy by what 1960’s commissioner Ford Frick would call him, Jake *nick.

Mark Melancon – Due back from the DL on Friday, because he’s got boo-boo payments to make.

Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and now four homers in six games.  Hey, he’s halfway to dressing a lesbian — Bra ‘n don belt.  Now we just need a blazer.  Obviously, if he was dropped in your league, you should grab him.

Ty Blach – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.28.  Now that’s the new Blach!  He’s a streamer, so, ya know, use the Stream-o-Nator.

Rich Hill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.77, as he was activated from the DL.  Someone needs to ping Elias Sports Bureau.  Are the Dodgers currently in a streak of the most starting pitchers being activated in a row?  I feel like the Dodgers have a 9-person starting rotation that they just circle on and off the DL.

Chris Taylor – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .329.  I recently stopped trying to fight Chris Taylor-Stiller, and grabbed him in a mixed league.  He’s hitting leadoff, and well.

Mike Napoli – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .183, but his third home run this week, and I want to drop Mark Reynolds for Napoli so bad, what’s stopping me?  Fear of success?  That can’t be, I’m already so successful, if you measure success in baseball cards that have no value that I won’t let my mom throw away.

Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .257.  Mehzuza’s been more meh than zuza in the last few weeks, but has three straight games of two-hit performances, so hopefully he’s coming out of it.  Nomar slumping!  Hehe.

Aaron Nola – Should return for his start on Sunday vs. the Pirates.  It will be the biggest battle of Pennsylvania since the 2007 quilting battle between the Lancaster, PA Amish and Mennonite communities, that’s forever remembered as ‘Quilt your bellyaching’ 2007.