We have our first big call-up of the major league season!!! ¬†“Yoo-hoo!” ¬†You want chocolate milk, Cody Bellinger? ¬†“I was drawing attention to myself, since I was called up first.” ¬†Oh, yeah, but you¬†feel like you were always here. ¬†“Oh, well, that’s nice of you to say–” ¬†Shut up, Cody Bellinger! ¬†Bradley Zimmer, now this is a call-up! ¬†“I’ll be up soon!” ¬†Shut up, Amed Rosario! ¬†This is about Bradley Zimmer. ¬†Zimmer is a guy who is a speed-first, power-second, average-third¬†guy. ¬†Actually, on base percentage second in leagues that count that sorta thing. ¬†In Triple-A, he had five homers, nine steals and a 30% strikeout rate. ¬†He looks like Keon Broxton who should be platooned out of the lineup against lefties. ¬†I will call him, Right-on Broxton. ¬†I grabbed him in all leagues where he was available, you don’t want to miss out on the first big call-up. ¬†“Seriously, are you just ignoring me?” ¬†Bellinger, you’re getting on my last nerve!¬† For 2017, I’d give Zimmer¬†a line around 45/10/40/.235/20. ¬†That could be the best call-up of the year. ¬†“Seriously?!” ¬†Shut it down, CB! ¬†Oh, and I’m aware that Zimmer went 0-for-3 with 3 Ks out of the nine hole, but Bellinger looked lost thru a whole two starts too when he was first called up. ¬†“Keep my name out of your mouth!” ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Danny Salazar – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.44, and 4 solo homers allowed. ¬†Well, at least he was throwing strikes. ¬†Unfortch, they were meatballs that the Rays were hitting over the fence. ¬†A lot of his peripherals are saying he should be a lot better — a near-.400 BABIP, c’mon — but I am admittedly as frustrated owning him as anyone.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .201. ¬†“Hey, Edwin, it’s your agent, just calling to let you know the season started.” ¬†“Fo’really?”
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. ¬†Yesterday, he started the home run onslaught. ¬†“Yo, whaddup, dawg?” ¬†Onslaught. ¬†Not you, Don Slaught.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5 and his 7th and 8th homers. ¬†His left stroke just went viral! ¬†Sorry, I can’t stop listening to Humble. ¬†That song has made¬†my ears pregnant with earworms.
Derek Norris – 1-for-4 and his 3rd home run. ¬†Between Der-No and¬†d’Arnaud, it’s the only battle where a Der-No is winning.
Jake Odorizzi –¬†6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 3.16. ¬†His last inning with an extra three runs tacked onto his line eased my¬†regret at dropping him. ¬†Over-rue-easy?
Edwin Diaz – Was removed from the closer role, which, with how he’s been pitching, is like baseball’s mercy rule, or euthanasia. ¬†Fun fact! ¬†Euthanasia in Asia is called, “Old-in-Asia.” ¬†I’m just filled with trivia! ¬†I have no idea who will take over for Diaz. ¬†I gambled on Nick Vincent, because he’s been the setup man; Tony Zych has worse peripherals than Diaz; Steve Cishek (1/3 IP, 3 ER) was once a closer, but is no longer one because he was terrible, and The Rze (2/3 IP, 2 ER) would be “shame on a closa who tries to close a game like a closa.”
Robinson Cano – Hit the 10-day DL because if a guy is out more than three days, he¬†may as well get DL’d, ya heard?
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last week. ¬†Pee-nah-lope! ¬†Name the movie.¬† If you don’t know, for shame.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .254, and 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†About time Seager remembered that he is a 25-27 HR, .260 guy every year.
Ryon Healy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .257. ¬†You know what kind of year he’s having? ¬†One of those where we look at him in September, and we’re like, “He has 27 homers and a .260 average? ¬†Damn, why didn’t I just own him all year?” ¬†You can answer in September.
Andrew Triggs – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.12. ¬†We’re at the point where I’m starting him, and expecting him to regress and he’s not. ¬†It’s reverse psychology or some Psych 101 term.
Mark Canha – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1), hitting near-.400 in the last week. ¬†Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Joyce – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and third homer in the last four games. ¬†He’s been Jack the Ripper; that’s Joyce, to wit.
Yolmer Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .329. ¬†Usually the White Sox have crap in their two-hole, but Yolmer has been schmotato’ing around the town for a few (hitting near-.500 in the last week).
Tim Anderson – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .230 on the year, but hitting over-.400 in the last week. ¬†He hit a go-ahead homer in the 11th inning of the White Sox/Angels game. ¬†A game that featured Mike Trout and, uh, Anaheim.
Cameron Maybin – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .214. ¬†In this game, he hit three doubles. ¬†After each one, he dabbed and called it “The Maybin-lean.” ¬†It’s totally going to catch on.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .153. ¬†Well, I don’t want to see Grandy be so bad that he needs to retire (actually I wouldn’t mind that), but he can’t get hot and challenge Conforto for when Yoenis returns. ¬†He cannot. ¬†You understand me, Mets organization?
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†Forgot the lunchmeat? ¬†No worries, here comes Salami Tom!
Zack Greinke – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.09. ¬†He looks great all year, then in a pushover matchup he gets rocked. ¬†I see you, baseball, being all weird and shizz like the girl mechanic in the greasy romper.
Matt Albers – 0 IP, 0¬†ER as he pitched to two hitters in the 7th inning of a 6-1 game. ¬†Dusty’s just trolling us now. ¬†Nationals are one of the best teams in baseball, and I legitimately have no idea who will pitch the 7th, 8th or 9th inning on any given night, and I think I’m just like Dusty in that regard. ¬†I guess Koda Glover pitched the ninth, so that means…Oh, c’mon, we know it means nothing with Dusty.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-5, and his 6th homer, hitting .292. ¬†He was recently dropped in one of my leagues, and I kinda get it. ¬†Every day the Pirates’ offense looks¬†like it’s about to walk the blank.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run, hitting .277. ¬†Like Goldie Hawn, age looks like it finally caught up to V-Mart. ¬†By the way, to continue down the same sexist path to alienate more of our five girl readers, age caught up to Goldie’s daughter, Kate, about 35 years earlier. ¬†She must’ve taken after her pops¬†in that respect, because Goldie had a good 60 years, while Kate looks about 20¬†years older than she is.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs, 4 BBs and his¬†3rd and 4th home runs in less than a week of games played. ¬†Know why? ¬†Cause his initials stand for¬†Just Dong.
Brad Brach – 1 IP, 1 ER as he entered the game in the 7th inning and promptly gave up a grand slam¬†to Just Dong. ¬†I grabbed Darren O’Day in one league just in case Dusty’s managing the Orioles¬†over Skype.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 3¬†runs, 4¬†RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers, hitting .266. ¬†Now has four¬†homers in three straight games, and this is the third time I’m saying something like he’s the type to hit 10 homers in nine games. ¬†And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Mark Trumbo – 4-for-7, 3¬†runs and his 5th homer. ¬†See what I said 1/8th of an inch above, or three inches above if talking to a girl.
Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .294. ¬†Where is the love, Wil, I am¬†asking. ¬†Where is the love? [4x]
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. ¬†Keep in mind, he didn’t start going until May of last year either.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05 vs. Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.78. ¬†For this game, Boston fans were calling Rodriguez “Swampscott” because that’s just so much better than Lynn. ¬†Aw, don’t be bitter. ¬†Or as they say, “Don’t be Saugus!”
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.375 in the last week. ¬†Since this was the only day game, I watched it, which means I saw his home run. ¬†It looked like he barely hit it and it sailed¬†410 feet. ¬†Unless center field is¬†marked 122 meters but is really 122 feet.¬†¬†Hmm, that would mean the outfield is only about five feet deep, unless the pitcher’s mound is three feet from home plate. ¬†Yeah, that’s likely it.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. ¬†Too bad he’ll never hit for real power, said everyone two years ago and says no one now.
Jaime Garcia – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.65 vs. Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.60. ¬†Jaime is kinda Spanish for Jamie, and Jamie Hector played Marlo Stanfield and both of these pitchers in shallower leagues should be on the wire. ¬†Coincidence? ¬†Doubtful.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .317. ¬†I couldn’t hold Ender Inciarte and Pillar on the same fantasy team. ¬†They were too much of the same thing, I told myself. ¬†I also told myself to drop the wrong one. ¬†Oddly enough, I don’t blame myself.
Devon Travis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting near-.400 in the last week. ¬†Hot schmotato alert!
Ian Happ – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run, hitting .400. ¬†Here’s a novel idea: ¬†Crime and Punishment with guinea pigs. ¬†Here’s another idea: ¬†Demote Schwarber, Russell, Contreras, Baez, Heyward, Rizzo and Zobrist and keep Happ around.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .221. ¬†HR to the Rizzo! ¬†(Finally.)
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .187. ¬†On approximately five other occasions (exactly five other), Schwarber homered and looked ready to break out of his slump. ¬†Yet, here we are in the middle of May and Joe Buck’s got the worst blue balls.
Addison Russell – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .226. ¬†Wow, the Cubs team broke out of a team-wide slump yesterday. ¬†By the way, ‘member when Maddon said some nonsense during Russell’s rookie year like, “I don’t want to bat him too high in the order to not put pressure on him.” ¬†Yeah, a’ight, and Happ he bats no lower than cleanup.
John Lackey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.37. ¬†This horse-toothed jackass had that great 2016 season just to suck us in, this I believe.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-5, and his 3rd homer, hitting .339. ¬†Solid average, which is not at all what he usually does, but there would have to be a sudden departure a’la The Leftovers for me to own Cozart in 12-team mixed leagues or shallower.
Chris Carter – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. ¬†The Yankees are batting him ninth, which is the oddest place I’ve ever seen an all-or-nothing slugger. ¬†It’s almost like they don’t even want him, which brings a question. ¬†They had Bird, and don’t seem to want Carter, so why did they go get him? ¬†Was he pushed on Girardi and he refuses to use him correctly? ¬†I get the top five in their order is more or less set, but isn’t Ellsbury turning the lineup over in the nine hole the smarter move? ¬†With Chris Carter, the truth is out there.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .178, but his average in April doesn’t matter. ¬†In May, he’s hitting .233 with a .233 OBP. ¬†Guys and five girl readers, I think we might need to punch-out some All-Star Game ballots to get Buxton on the team.
Kyle Freeland – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.13. ¬†Stream-o-Nator isn’t crazy about his next start, and I agree. ¬†Leave the Rockies starters for the NL-Only’ers who are trying to catch¬†a Tampa Bay hockey team in a bottle.
Greg Holland – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 17th save, ERA at 1.04. ¬†“I know it’s only March, and no games have been played yet, but I’m pretty happy drafting¬†Britton and Aroldis.”
Jake Marisnick – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers. ¬†You might better recognize this guy by what 1960’s¬†commissioner Ford Frick would call him, Jake *nick.
Mark Melancon – Due back from the DL on Friday, because he’s got boo-boo payments to make.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and now four¬†homers in six games. ¬†Hey, he’s halfway to dressing a lesbian — Bra ‘n don belt. ¬†Now we just need a blazer. ¬†Obviously, if he was dropped in your league, you should grab him.
Rich Hill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.77, as he was activated from the DL. ¬†Someone needs to ping Elias Sports Bureau. ¬†Are the Dodgers currently in a streak of the most starting pitchers being activated in a row? ¬†I feel like the¬†Dodgers have a 9-person starting rotation that they just circle on and off the DL.
Mike Napoli – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .183, but his third home run this week, and I want to drop Mark Reynolds for Napoli so bad, what’s stopping me? ¬†Fear of success? ¬†That can’t be, I’m already so successful, if you measure success in baseball cards that have no value that I won’t let my mom throw away.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .257. ¬†Mehzuza’s been more meh than zuza in the last few weeks, but has three straight games of two-hit performances, so hopefully he’s coming out of it. ¬†Nomar slumping! ¬†Hehe.
Aaron Nola – Should return for his start on Sunday vs. the Pirates. ¬†It will be the biggest battle of Pennsylvania since the 2007¬†quilting battle between the Lancaster, PA Amish and Mennonite communities, that’s forever remembered as ‘Quilt your bellyaching’ 2007.