Corey Kluber left yesterday’s game with lower back discomfort, before giving up five earned in three innings to the Tigers. In every game, the Tigers look like John Jaso, just dreadful. I mean, you ain’t got no alibi. U-G-L-Y. Then Kluber makes them look like The Ghost of Charley Lau is gliding each bat from beyond the grave. “Don’t worry, Alex Avila, I will help you hit .400 and don’t forget to buy your mother a gift for Mother’s Day.” “Hey, Ghost of Charley Lau, you help with the hitting and let my iCal do the rest!” That’s so ungrateful, Alex Avila! Looking at Kluber’s peripherals, there’s some cause for concern, but cause for optimism too, assuming his back will be fine (maybe a large assumption). His velocity is down a hair, but his Ks, walks, and xFIP are not saying he should be pummeled like a gymnast’s horse. His Aprils have been terrible for the last two years (yes, I know we’re in May), so I’m hoping Kluber comes out of it. At worst, he’s a 3.70 ERA guy with 200+ Ks. At best, it all still comes together. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer as he was activated from the DL, but now has renewed groin soreness. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Too many DL’d guys, this is exhausting. I’m about to say yes to the NKOTB cruise with the Regression Fairies.”
Jacob Turner – Will get Ross’ start the first time through the rotation, but A.J. Cole was also called up. Cole is a tad bit more interesting for NL-Only leagues. (Turner has a 5.09 ERA thru 330 1/3 IP major league innings, so, yeah, bleh on him.) Then again, Cole has a 5.29 ERA in 47 2/3 IP, so interesting is relative here. Like interesting’s uncle, Terrible.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Mr. Roark is not fulfilling my fantasies if he’s gonna keep getting Tattoo’d. (By the way, Roark threw 125 pitches. Oh, Dusty, you predictable goof. I love ya, but you’re crazy!)
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .419. I’m not putting Ted Williams’ Frozen Head in the microwave yet so it can witness this, but I have removed TWFH from the freezer. (Yes, I’m just trying to jinx Zimmerman now.)
Taijuan Walker – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.19. Yesterday, he looked like he should forget the MLB, and join an all women’s league as Taijuanna Mann.
Chris Herrmann – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Ugh, I so badly want this Herrmann thing to happenn. Please stop playing Mathis and Iannetta cause they, y’know, ain’t good.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .283. He’s a baaaaaaaaaaaahd man!
Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save. And, just like that, Rodney has helped shore up his closer job. Don’t worry, he’ll reverse that reversal soon enough.
David Dahl – Rockies said he’s “still a ways away.” Going to use one of our first glossary terms here, because Dahl is pulling a Kotchman. Dahl can only swing at 75%? Um, okay, you only need to hit the ball at 75% to get it out of Coors! Let’s go, you schmohawk!
Ryan Schimpf – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .156. I love –pf’s bangs!
Dan Vogelbach – Optioned back to Triple-A. He had 17 at-bats to win the job, so, ya know, plenty of opportunity. Mariners have way too many weapons to be waiting on Vogelbach. Shoot, I forgot to put on the sarcasm font.
James Paxton – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 1.43. Divisions don’t get much easier than the NL West, but the AL West is right there too. Paxton now has two subpar starts out of three with matchups against the A’ss and the 40 Minutes South of Los Angeles Angels.
Edwin Diaz – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and a home run allowed to Calhoun for the blown save. I don’t know if he’s overworked or hiding an injury, but Diaz has not looked himself all season. I grabbed Nick Vincent in two leagues, though I do think the M’s are going to try to make Diaz work.
Welington Castillo – Hit the DL with shoulder tendinitis. So, now you know where’s the boeuf. Caleb Joseph (0-for-3) will get the starting job, and could be worth something to someone (ringing endorsement!).
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Somebody’s coming alive…Macho Macho Machado!
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 and his 4th and 5th homers, hitting .267. Fun Fact! Sometimes Doug Fister is called Han-Ram.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.38. He topped P
rospectitcher Ralph first top 100 starter rankings, and I don’t think it’s only because he’s a Red Sox pitcher. (By the way, I totally brought out the cross-out text thing that is so super douchey. Did anyone ever do that before the internet? Seems highly doubtful. Imagine doing that in written word? Four score and s omethingeven years ago…)
Edinson Volquez – Left yesterday’s game, after an insane of game of eight walks and nine Ks, with a blister. These things are all over the place. It’s a blisterpocalypse!
Evan Longoria – Out for 2nd day in a row. Not to go on a “DL is too short now” rant for the eighth time in seven days, but one more day out for Longoria and they may as well DL him and activate him again next Monday.
Cole Hamels – Didn’t start yesterday due to a tight oblique. He said it happened when someone at Starbucks wrote on his latte, “Hole Camels.”
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .207. Fun fact! A female baby kangaroo is a Joey Gal.
Delino DeShields – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run, hitting .256. I’m not fighting wonderful, but I got The Dentist for speed. Stay on message!
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer with a ninth-inning shot that hopefully gives him back his early-April confidence, because that late-April Mazara was a messara.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers. So, what you’re saying is I should’ve drafted Marwin Gonzalez instead of Edwin Encarnacion? Cool story, brah. Two homers goes a long way to being a hot schmotato.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said Altuve home run went a distance of 402 feet. Or 1498 feet if using Altuve’s feet.
Logan Forsythe – Should be back by the weekend as he rehabs at Rancho Cucamonga, which was the largest exporter of fake vomit until China opened its borders.
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .345. Not only do I have no idea why he’d be sent down, but what is he doing hitting in the eight hole? If Austin Barnes needs protection, buy him condoms.
Ryan Braun – Remained out with a trapezuis. Assuming that means he joined the Cirque du Soleil. Hopefully not KA, that show was awful!
Carlos Martinez – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. He lost the silver hair and got his first win of the year. To paraphrase Frank Thomas, leave the silver hair on the girls in your porn Twitter feed, C-Mart.
Tyler Glasnow – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 6.97. Great, terrific, adjective, but not really. Four walks vs. five Ks is not fixed, and I still would avoid him.
Josh Harrison – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs, and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in two games, hitting .310. I just gave you a Josh Harrison fantasy yesterday. Earn me some tenths of a penny and click around, would ya?
Joey Votto – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .253. Real question: Has Votto had more than one hit in any games? All he does is hit homers. Doode became Joey Sluggo.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and two homers (8, 9), hitting .293. In case anyone was wondering, everyone, except Odor, hit two homers yesterday. You effin’ stankburger!
Matt Harvey – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.14. But what about how well he was throwing in Spring Training?! Huh?! Too soon?
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .344. Because I like when people ask if they should pick him up.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .378. My preseason pick for NL MVP of Freeman doesn’t seem that insane, huh?
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5 and his 3rd and 4th homers, hitting .250. Seriously, everyone had two homers yesterday. It was raining home runs and Odor is carrying a freakin’ umbrella!
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .317. Sano? Say yes to the Miguel! The wedding dress show? No? C’mon, one of youse has to be in a relationship.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. I literally stopped everything when I saw he homered and checked to see if he was on waivers anywhere. I even checked my RCL league even though MattTruss told me he picked him up after I dropped him. I was hoping it wasn’t true. Who knows if this is the confidence Buxton needs, but I would grab him if he were available, just in case.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.66. “I’m not going to bother with a pitcher for the first 25 rounds of my draft, then draft Ervin Santana,” said the guy getting out of a DeLorean.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .292. A down-by-nine, garbage-time home run is one way to get on my good side. He’s not mixed league relevant, but he looks poised to surpass his previous meh years and could be sneaky value in AL-Only.
Danny Duffy – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.89. His ERA was at 1.32 when I told you to Sell him. Sorry.
Jose Quintana – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Obviously a step in the right direction, but this was against the 1927 Royals, and, in 1927, Royals didn’t play baseball, they were acting out scenes from Downton Abbey.
Javier Baez – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many days. Yesterday, I said Baez was heating up, today I say talk to Previous Day Grey.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .196. Joe Buck’s going into the bathroom for five minutes, and no one bother him!
Aaron Altherr – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .340. I wanna get excited about Altherr, but the way the Phils are platooning him, kinda lets out the sails in my parachute pants.
Mat Latos – 4 IP, 7 ER. I think Mat might’ve become Latos intolerant.
Steve Pearce – 4-for-4 and two homers, hitting .224. Prior to this game, he was pushing bupkis (totally a saying), but maybe this might be him heating up. He definitely is the type to go on a one-week streak of Bachmanity.
Jacoby Ellsbury – MRI showed a bruised nerve in Ellsbury’s elbow. As Veruca Salt would say, “Daddy, I want a D’Ellsbury!”
Greg Bird – Hit the Disgraceful List with a deep ankle bruise to his baseball stats. The Yankees said Bird would work on his T work, i.e., they’d drop him off on their next trip to Boston on a random T and hope he gets lost. Chris Carter could have some value over the next few weeks, and, if he gets hot, he could stick in the lineup for the foreseeable future since he did, ya know, hit 40 HRs last year!
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .300. Is it me (it’s not me) or is it every time Hicks is in the lineup he produces? Do we really need D’Ellsbury anymore? Can’t we ixnay him already, eh?
Brett Gardner – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (3, 4), hitting .232. Brett’s just being there isn’t enough, but a power surge makes me want to take a Chauncey on Gardner.