Marcell Ozuna was traded to the Cards, because the Marlins only had him under control until the end of 2019, and the Marlins are playing for 2022.  Then, in 2023, the Marlins will be playing for 2042.  Seriously, what the eff are the Marlins doing?  I understand trying to get younger, but they’re trading guys who are young.  It’s not like they’re moving Martin Prado.  Maybe having a guy who discarded women when they reached the age of 22 isn’t the best idea to run a club.  Jeter continues to view 27-year-olds as ancient.  Hey, Jeter, you’re not unloading Minka Kelly here, you’re unloading Jessica Biel.  With the extra Wild Card, I’ll never understand slashing an entire team.  Before the selling spree, the Marlins were literally two players away from a Wild Card berth.  Now, they’re five years away.  Madness, man, madness.  Any hoo!  Marcell Ozuna averaged 413 feet on his home runs last year, because OZUNA strong.  If you overlay his home runs last year with his new park, he keeps his 37 homers and gains an extra one.  It’s more or less a push in the Busch.  OZUNA love Busch, it is OZUNA favorite type of hedge, much better hedge than saying someone will be president next year without saying a name.  For 2018, I’ll give Ozuna the projections of 101/35/106/.278/1 in 607 ABs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:

Luke Gregerson – Signed with the Cards.  Whether you love them or not you have to love the Cards’ moves, so, I guess, you have to love them.  Tricked ya!  For now, Gregerson will back up Tyler Lyons, but I could see him getting saves.  Luke Gregerson’s 2018 projections are 5-3/3.14/1.18/65, 6 saves in 57 IP.

Drew Smyly – Signed by Cubs.  He’s not due back from Tommy John surgery until September, at which point, he won’t make the playoff roster, and Cubs fans will be screaming bloody murder, which would explain why there’s luminol all over Smyly.

Juan Nicasio – Signed with the M’s.  Well, if you can’t have Ohtani, this is a solid number two.  By number two, I obviously mean bowel movement.

Starlin Castro – Sent to the Marlins in the Giancarlo trade.  I rushed to (Word)press my Giancarlo Stanton fantasy to avoid premature speculation all over the place.  That meant I didn’t get a chance to cover Castro’s impact going to the Marlins.  Castro better start working on the tears now for when he finally wins a World Series in 2030 when he’s 37 years old and about to retire, because he seems destined for grr-ness in Florida.  For 2018, I’ll give him 72/15/58/.279/4 in 538 ABs.

Mike Fiers – Signed with the Tigers.  As FDR once said about his fantasy team, “Only thing to fear is Mike Fiers and his 5.22 ERA in 2017.”  That’s pretty prescient about FDR.  Too bad he did know to poke his cane in Jonas Salk’s butt to get him working on a polio vaccine quicker.  Fiers did up his Ks last year to 8.6 K/9, but with an 89 MPH fastball, and, at the age of 32, he’s barely ownable in the deepest of leagues.  For 2018, I’ll give him the projections 7-13/4.64/1.40/153 in 168 IP.

Brandon Morrow – Signed with the Cubs.  Possible closer, probable late inning arm, all-around forward-seeking, Morrow.  How great would it be if every time he saves a game, the announcer says, “Well, here’s to Morrow.”  Maybe great is overselling that.  For 2018, I’ll give Morrow 5-2/2.96/1.03/56, 31 saves in 50 IP, assuming the Cubs don’t add another closer.

Ryan Schimpf – Acquired by the Rays.  But the Rays already have Matt Duffy!  Convincing?  No?  Yeah, agreed.  Schimpf could hit 20 HRs, and .175, but right now he’s slated for the minors.

Jake McGee – Signed a deal with the Rockies.  Not exactly sure why a guy would choose to go back to the Rockies, but I had a high school relationship like this.  They called us, Greymeo and Juliet, only, instead of drinking hemlock, we drank St. Ides.  Well, like Greymeo and Juliet at least had sex, McGee should at least get saves.  I’ll give him the projections of 2-4/3.77/1.22/54, 21 saves in 52 IP.

Stephen Piscotty – Traded to the A’s.  Can’t we in this post-OZUNA on the Cardinals world be honest with ourselves, Piscotty became unnecessary after OZUNA was brought in.  Last year, Piscotty hit 9 HRs and .235.  Sounds like the A’s have a new three-hole hitter!  “Does this mean I’m out?”  That’s Smolinski, who, despite his name, is not a character in a Tennessee Williams play.  Can Piscotty finally fulfill his promise?  Piscotty doesn’t know!  And neither do I.  For 2018, I’ll give him the projections 61/20/75/.268/4 in 541 ABs.

Michael Pineda – Signed with the Twins.  Hope he does well for the Twins, because I’d love to see the Yankees give up on someone who turns it around.  Of course, up until this point, the only thing being turned around is Pineda’s fastball, and he will likely miss all of 2018 after Tommy John surgery, but there’s always 2019!

Chase Headley – Traded to the Padres.  You know what I wish teams would do more often?  Say, “Ya know what?  We screwed up.  Sometimes we make good moves, sometimes we make terrible moves,” then cut some high-priced vets or trade them back to where they came, if the team will take them.  Good on the Yankees for losing Headley.  As for the Padres, how’s that saying go?  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on the Padres for trading for Headley.  For 2018, I’ll give him the projections of 60/10/52/.254/6 in 490 ABs.

Ian Kinsler – Traded to the AngelsAngels were on Kinsler’s no-trade list, but Kinsler was so impressed with the reserved celebrations on film he saw with Ohtani, he couldn’t refuse.  “That guy high fives like a gentleman,” said Kinsler.  This boosts Kinsler’s stock a little, since prior, he was hitting in front of Ghost Cabrera and someone the Tigers Mahtook for a major leaguer.  For 2018, I’ll give Kinsler projections of 102/17/48/.251/10 in 544 ABs.

Shohei Ohtani – Revealed he has a sprain of his UCL in his right elbow.  So, you’re saying there was a reason he only threw 25 IP last year?  Surprise, surprise.  I guess he can always hit instead of pitch, or do neither and have Tommy John surgery.  The Angels are saying Ohtani can pitch through it, after he received some injections.  This makes him their third pitcher in last two years “pitching” through it.  I wonder if Garrett Richards, Matt Shoemaker or Skaggs have any advice for him.  Like, I don’t know, have the surgery immediately?  When it comes time to rank and project Ohtani, I will be removing forty innings from the projections I gave him in my Shohei Ohtani fantasy.