Kinda ridiculous that Odubel Herrera is the first player to get two ledes this year, but this is because they both came on short schedule days and I’m the only one that likely knows this, so let’s just move on!  ODB’s hot like Mariah’s fire.  Mariah’s fire is the dragon breath she breathes right before her morning ritual of firing a staffer.  “Who sprinkled my slippers with gold dust?  It’s Tuesday!  Tuesday’s slippers get sprinkled with powdered sugar so the squirrels follow me like it’s a Disney movie!”  That’s Mariah TCOB.  Ooh, idea!  I’m gonna do the rest of this in acronyms.  ODB TCOB SAGNOF UB40–Ugh, I failed at that exercise.  Grey does not equal a 14-year-old girl texting.  I told you yesterday if you take nothing else from the roundup, take away that you should grab Odubel.  And that’s me reiterating me!  Seriously, he’s 8-for-13 over the last three games with two homers.  Grab him!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tommy Joseph – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  I mentioned in the comments yesterday in Mike’s top 100 hitters that there’s gonna be 45 1st basemen in the top 100 hitters by season’s end.  If you can tell the difference between Smoak, Bour, Joseph, Yonder, Pujols, Morrison, et al (not the Israeli airline), you’re a better fantasy baseball ‘pert than I.  Remember, though, heavy is the head that wears the mustache.

Aaron Altherr – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .295.  He was oh for his last four games, so I thought the magic might’ve died down, but the magic never dies unless you’re on a farm raising cage-free lions.

Johan Camargo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as he plays in front of Dansby.  Fun fact!  Camargo is a black market car in New Jersey.  “Yo, Joey, check out this guy’s Camaro!”  “Vinny, that’s not a Camaro!  That’s a Camargo!”  “Damn, I might go with that instead of the IROK Z I’m peeping.”  Less fun fact, everything about Camargo; there couldn’t be a less interesting hitter.

Bartolo Colon – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.78.  You could drive a Camargo thru that Colon.

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-3, 2 runs and now 7 for his last 8, hitting .304.  There’s no Ender in sight for Ender, said Sally by the seashore.

Ian Happ – Didn’t start yesterday because he homered twice on Sunday and there’s no reason he didn’t start yesterday other than he’s on my team and it’s not Happ’ening.  Check your email for the invite to my pity party.  I used Evite, SO WHAT?!  WAH!

Wade Davis – Out on paternity leave.  When his wife first called him, he just thought she was doing a frantic rendition of “Wade in the Water,” but it was about her water breaking.  Carl Edwards and Koji Uehara could see a save or two in the mean’s while.

Albert Almora Jr. – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer.  Would’ve made a nice batty call, but it’s hard to trust a bench bat on the Cubs to get playing time because Maddon’s got more options than one of those fancy soft drink machines.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  “I need a Bryant!” said everyone in Oklahoma in the 1960s.

Eddie Butler – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75.  Eddie Butler sounds like a basketball player, doesn’t he?  No?  Meh, whatevs.  He’s barely a baseball player if you look at his peripherals.

Dan Straily – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.59.  If Stream-o-Nator would’ve showed more guts with Straily, I likely would’ve streamed him.  C’est la Au Bon Pain.

Justin Bour – Might hit the DL due to lingering ankle pain.  Dolores O’Riordan is singing at her fantasy team, “Do you have to, do you have to, do have to let it linger?”  By the by, I Googled Dolores O’Riordan for the best five minutes of my life.  Hello, Cougar!

Wilson Ramos – Ready for rehab games, which means he could return in about seven to ten days, hit well for about four days then hurt his knee again.  Kidding, kinda.  He’s worth stashing, if you’re struggling at catcher (which is everyone, so struggling within reason).

Kolten Wong – Could be activated on Friday, which would be awesome news if I had saw that five minutes prior to weekly lineups locking rather than five minutes after.  Makes me wanna flog my Wong, for evil!

Carlos Martinez – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.29.  Since there were so few games yesterday, it’s a good time to explain one element of the roundup.  Pitchers and hitters who have no change in value usually get ignored.  C-Mart would’ve been skipped on a normal day.

Scott Schebler – Hopes to return today, but needed another day of treatment before returning.  My Cougs tells me In Treatment was a wildly underrated show, and I say, “Uh-huh, oh yeah, yup,” not paying attention.

Asher Wojciechowski – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50.  I hear people struggle with pronouncing this guy’s name, so I have a helpful hint for you.  It rhymes with Pojciechowski.

Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Making a case for the Astros’ Most Fallible Player and Gurriel is like, ‘Hold my beer.’  I’m doing that wrong, aren’t I?

Yulieski Gurriel – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.84 vs. Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.33.  This matchup was billed as, “It Was FDR Not Kennedy Who Said ‘Only Thing To Fiers Is Fiers Himself.'”

Jorge Bonifacio – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer.  Guess who leads the Royals in homers?  Okay, not Bonifacio, but you thought for a second, “Hmm, the Royals are bad, could it be Bonifacio?”

Aaron Sanchez – Played catch on Monday for the first time since he had a recurrence of the blister which you might remember from, “Blister Boils:  At What Temperature, the Sequel.”

J.A. Happ – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.33.  In this case, Happ happens.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer.  As I think about Bour, To-Jo, Yonder, Smoak, etc., my eyelid twitches fighting harder to keep a straight face than Elton John at a gay pride parade.

Ryon Healy – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers.  A corner infidel with power?  That’s exactly what fantasy needs right now!

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.81.  For some reason, the Stream-o-Nator hated Manaea last night at home vs. the Happful Jays.  Maybe Rudy can shed some light on that if we all think real hard.  When you thought real hard, you sharted your shorts, didn’t you?  Aw, shucks.  As for Manaea, his peripherals look solid — 10.1 K/9, 3.6 BB/9, 3.68 xFIP.  His stuff didn’t come close to these results last year, but he looks startable everywhere.

Justin Turner – Starting a rehab assignment in High-A Rancho Cuchamonga which translates literally to the Ranch of the Cockroach’s Mango.

Joc Pederson – Could begin a rehab on Friday.  That could also happen at the Ranch of the Cockroach’s Mango.

Alex Wood – Expects to start this weekend.  Wong, Wood, Dolores O’Riordan, this is the sexiest post I’ve ever written!

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.08 vs. Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03.  These two pitchers could easily switch places with each other, if they were to pee in the same fountain at the same time or make a wish during the same candle-blowing-out ceremony.  Or simply because they have similar K-rates and xFIPs, but Gio’s walk rate is worse.

Jayson Werth – Hit the DL with Ryan Raburn taking his spot (on the roster, not on Bloodline).  Hopefully, Dusty’s smart enough to play Raburn (0-for-4) and doesn’t try to play Zimmerman in the outfield, or that will speed up his eventual DL stint tenfold.  By the way, if you want to open an Etsy shop selling origami cranes called Tenfold, I’ve trademarked the name, but I’ll let you operate under my banner for a small finder’s fee.

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer as he hit 6th and Raburn hit 2nd.  Rendon has a top twenty OBP in the majors; Raburn has a top twenty excuse for not being in the major leagues all season.  He sucks.

Oliver Perez – 1/3 IP and the save because Dusty’s crazy or because Koda Glover was tired from working Sunday.  Hoping it’s not the obvious choice here, but a little bit worried.

Eduardo Rodriguez – Shut down for three to four weeks.  That comes on the recommendation of Dr. James Andrews.  The good doctor added, “If I need a new jacooz after a month, I’ll operate on Ed-Rod’s knee.”  It’s no surprise Dr. JA also stands for jackass.

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting near-.325 in the last week, and has two homers in the last two games.  Stop worrying about The Keepers, and get hot for The Convent!

Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 4.29.  Man, he puts the workhorse in workhorsezija.  Halp and I discuss Samardzija on the podcast that’s coming later today.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Junior Guerra – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.83.  See blurb on C-Mart for further (non)reading on Guerra.

Travis Shaw – Left for a few days on paternity leave.  Damn, someone’s stopping at the Yankee Candle store and Jiffy Lube–*intern whispers in my ear*  I’m told this is for the birth of a child, not to conceive one.

Brett Phillips – 1-for-3 as he was called up for a few days to fill-in for Shaw.  I texted Prospector Ralph Lifshitz to find out his take on Phillips, let’s say he’s my own personal OnStar.  Call him, OnShitz.  Here’s what he said, “He was a top 50 guy universally going into 2016, 16 on my midseason prospect list but just awful down the stretch last year.  Up in AAA, he’s raked this year.  He was the big piece of the Carlos Gomez deal, and was more highly touted than Sunday Santana.  He’s got power, speed and seems to have found himself.  I always thought he was going to be a star.”  Thanks, OnShitz!  I think the Brewers brought up Phillips vs. Brinson for his laugh.