A reporter, ducked behind chairs, yells at Aaron Sanchez at his no-hitter, post-game press conference. All we hear is the reporter’s disembodied voice, “Isn’t it true your four-seam spin rate went from 2,300 rpm to 2,565 rpm overnight?” Some reporters move out of the way for the reporter, who is crouched behind the chairs. One reporter recognizes him, asking, “Trevor Bauer, is that you?” What are the Astros feeding their pitchers? Pine tar and they’re being told to eat with their hands. Aaron Sanchez (6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.76) had a 6.07 ERA before this game! I get it, it was the Mariners, but this is crazy. Sanchez wasn’t usable at all in Toronto.  The Astros’ coaching vs. cheating argument:  Sanchez did kibosh his sinker, which was by far his worst pitch. Could it have been that easy?  How could the Jays not figure this out?  I could’ve figured this out!  I guess Sanchez’s worth the flier. If he’s fixed, he’s too valuable to ignore. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Verlander dedicated that start to “Astros not trading for Bauer.”

Kyle Seager – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting near-.370 in the last week with two homers, and a hit in every game, except one.  Or as Mother Seager says, “We babied Corey, and now he can’t overcome adversity.”  They should’ve never gave him a trophy for “Best Son.”

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Is David past tense of Dave?”

Willson Contreras – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain.  That means the Cubs are going from a hammy issue to a Caratini.  It’s the green new plan!

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 25th homer.  Fun with the Player Rater! Schwarber or Kole Calhoun, who’s higher?  It’s not even close.  Sorry, Joe Buck.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, was hitting leadoff. Only have Heyward on one team; it’s a Cutline team. It’s a Best Ball format, means there’s no lineup adjustments, it runs itself — the 1984 of fantasy leagues. I just made it past the 2nd cutoff in the playoffs, and, honestly, I have no idea what I have to do to win money.

Trent Grisham – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff.  Classic Counsell to not start him every game, but also to think he’s worth leading off. Brewers are about to make it more complicated to vote Yelich (2-for-4 and his 37th homer) for the MVP because they’re going to finish below .500, if they don’t get their shizz togther.

Marcus Stroman – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.07. There’s an Alternative Universe Marcus Stroman that threw a 12-inning shutout with 25 Ks for the Astros, and was christened Marcus Astroman.

Edwin Diaz – Mickey Callaway said the Mets have to be open-minded about who their closer is. Damn, quick hook if this is the beginning of the end of Diaz.  Lugo only has a near-12 K/9 and 2.2 BB/9 with a 2.68 ERA and Edwin has given up a home run in every appearance since April. Mickey Callaway is so dumb, he should start every sentence with, “Duh, George,” like Lenny from Looney Tunes’ Of Mice and Men.

Joe Musgrove – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.69. The Pirates’ pitching womb is polluted!

Pete AlonsoMets score a bazillion runs and Alonso doesn’t start.  Holy sit!

Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, hitting .256. Points out how crazy power is this year that Conforto’s been yawnstipating, but not really bad, in the big picture.

J.D. Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .297. All the terrible moves Brodie did for the Mets, he somehow fleeced the Astros.

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .336.  I know following who leads each league in categories is not really a fantasy thing, but McNeil is about to run away with the NL batting title.

Robinson Cano – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, but left with a strained hamstring. Elias Sports Bureau said Cano is the first person to strain their hamstring while walking.

Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 1 ER 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.96. This is the 1st time his ERA has been below 4.00 since the 1st inning of the season. His peripherals are still saying he’s pitching less effectively than last year.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.72. Strasburg didn’t have his best stuff, which is about as big an understatement as saying Cooking for Dahmies: Jeffrey Dahmer’s Cookbook wasn’t a hit with vegetarians.  Also, if he just changes his name to Strosburg, he’ll get an additional 1,000 RPM spin on his curve and throw a no-hitter.

Patrick Corbin – 5 1/3 Ip, 5 ER, ERA at 3.43. Come for the Diamondbacks and you’re hiss-tory.

Eduardo Escobar – 0-for-4 and his 23rd and 24th homer on Saturday. If I were that type of person, I’d go back to my preseason rankings and point out the people in the comments saying Escobar shouldn’t be ranked in the top 100. You’re lucky I’m your humble servant named the Fantasy Master Lothario.

Ketel Marte – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (24) and legs (6), hitting .319. He won’t be (I don’t think), but there’s a case to be made he’s a top 20 guy next year. Zoinks!

Trevor Bauer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.85. He said he was struggling with an injury for the last few months, which might explain why he only threw 107 pitches in less than 5 innings, instead of his requisite 120. I can’t speak for him, but his peripherals aren’t saying an injury, they’re saying last year was a fluke.

Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Gray pitching dramatically better than Bauer is so 2019.

Shane Greene – 1 IP, 3 ER and the blown save on Saturday. That’s one way to lower your Sunday FAAB price, by losing the Braves’ closer job before bids are even announced. Okay, maybe things aren’t that dire for Greene, but Chris Martin is becoming a must-own (again).

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  Tildaddy says to get him another beer!

Maikel Franco – Optioned to the minors. Not that you asked, but what would I have done with Maikel if I were the Phils? Trade him for literally anything last week. Not saying he’d fetch much, but you know how much he’s going to get now? Maybe could fetch you Nadir Bupkis.

Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.01. Smyly just doesn’t feel like the right emoticon. More like an emoticon that is standing on the train tracks, just waiting, numb. Streamonator is positive on Smyly’s next one, but I’m not.

Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, as he hit leadoff. Mean’s while, Scott Kingery (2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) hit eighth as he played 3rd. Wait until Kapler hears you don’t have to bat a guy 8th just because he’s replacing Maikel.

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .235. “It says, ‘No dumping,’ but I’m sick of carrying around this potato sack filled with Eloy–Wait a sec! He just moved! I think he’s alive.”

Reynaldo Lopez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.41. That was a super iffy start, but Streamonator likes Reynaldo’s next start and I could see it.

Griffin Canning – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Usually I’d be saying this means he’s done until 2021, but this could just be the Angels limiting his IP, and finding the most horrifying way to do it.  It’s like this:  Dodgers, “This pitcher has a sore neck and, uh…a blister.”  Communicating it is a fake injury.  Here’s the Angels, “His elbow is broken.”  Whoa!  Guys!  Seriously?  Angels, “Uh…no?”

Andrelton Simmons – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. I will say one thing, if Andrelton is any indication of an alien invading Earth, we just have to wait until they sprain their ankle or wrist.

Felix Pena – Hit the IL with a torn ACL. Also, the Angels have a torn MMXIX.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-3 and his 25th homer.  Now that Dustin May aka The Pigment Dodger is up, the Dodgers have two gingers to the Angels one (Calhoun). So, once again the Dodgers are a better organization.

Oscar Mercado – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .288.  Ugh, I want to draft Oscar Mercado already for 2020.

Shane Bieber – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.31. With the thought in mind that there’s only about 12 starters worth owning in fantasy, where’s Bieber ranked? 7? 9? 11? Don’t say an even number, you commie!

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Chris Sale – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.68. After Sale left the game, Alex Cora whispered to the bat boy, “Go into the clubhouse and hide all of the scissors.”

David Price – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.36. Speaking on behalf of fantasy owners of Red Sox pitchers, do the Red Sox and Yankees have to face each other? It would feel more special if they didn’t until the playoffs.

Christian Vazquez – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .285. He could conceivably double his career home run output across four years in one season. Conceivably is actually silly. He definitely will, barring an injury.

Gio Urshela – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .314, as he hit cleanup. Any other team gets hit by this many injuries and has Gio Urshela batting cleanup they’re what, a 60-win team? The Yankees are starting Cameron Maybin like it’s five years ago and he’s hitting .312!

Edwin Encarnacion – Hit the IL with a fractured wrist. In only what I can call a courageous move — it’s really the word for it — Edwin’s parrot tried to grab a bat and fill in for him, but he only weighs eight pounds. I’m guessing Edwin’s out for at least six weeks, which means he’s droppable in most redrafts. This could be good news for Mike Tauchman’s playing time.

Aaron Hicks – Hit the IL with a flexor strain. Yo, are the Yanks on a three-month cycle for injuries? Well, it might be cycle related. This is good news for Mike Ford’s playing time, but bad news for Mike Ford because now he’s being asked to do something. I razz, I razz; he could be okay in that rinky-dink stadium — he had 23 HRs and hit .303 in 79 Triple-A games.

Michael Pineda – Hit the IL with a triceps strain. Wow, that came out of nowhere.  He was pitching so well.  Maybe a triceps strain is good for him. Can we get a doctor’s opinion on this? *intern whispers in my ear* Hearing now they likely did get a doctor’s opinion.  Fair enough, nerds!

Devin Smeltzer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.28.  Smeltzer is a high-command, meh strikeouts guy. Think like a poor man’s Nola.  I will call him, Treme. By the way, a commenter brought this to my attention (sorry, forget who it was):

Nelson Cruz – 0-for-3 and three homers on Saturday (30), hitting .292. Cruz is ridiculous. RidiCruzlous? Hmm, maybe not. He’s basically, “I will hit 35-40 homers every year, whether it’s in 140 games or 40 games.”

Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .236. Aguilar moving from a non-entity to a three-hole hitter on the Rays is just too on-brand.

Brian Anderson – 2-for-3 and his 17th homer, 4th homer this week. Could see his hot schmotato cooling down to a lukewarm simmer, but he still appears to be more schmotato than schmo.

Isan Diaz – Called up by the Marlins and I grabbed him everywhere. Go ahead; I’ll wait. You done? Okay, Diaz had 26 HRs and hit .305 in Triple-A this year, while chucking in a handful of steals. The Prospectonator isn’t a huge fan of his, but that does tend to dig its heels in during preseason and doesn’t know about approach changes — Diaz cut his Ks this year. My only concern is Don Mattingly will do something dumb like play Berti/Castro over him.  Leave Berti/Castro to the dank memes from Russian bots.

Justin Shafer – Came into the game in the 7th inning on Saturday, and Ken Giles (1 IP, 0 ER on Sunday) refuses to go full-IL, so I’ve been dropping Shafer.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-5, and his 2nd homer, hitting .406, and has hit in every game since his call-up. Starting my Boba Chette fan fiction graphic novel where he arrives from a far away planet to save my MI slot from Jurickson Profar.

Cavan Biggio – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .213. Is it just me or do you look at the last names in the Jays’ box score and think it’s 2005 and start wondering how The Sopranos is gonna end?

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and his 23rd and 24th homer, hitting .305. Can’t believe I found this last will and testament of my great Aunt Gertrude and she left me all six of her Dairy Queen locations. Before acquiring my windfall, I’m going to haphazardly leave it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Donovan Solano – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th. As if you needed more reason to believe this was not the season of the pitch, Donovan does this.

Mike Fiers – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.46.  Here’s his last three months of ERAs: 2.87, 2.30, 2.14. Hopefully if there was a Fiers Sale in your league, you went for the Fiers side.

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-5 as he was activated from the IL. I’m not running out to add him in shallower leagues. He’s done nothing all year and I don’t even know if the Cardinals will play him every day.

Marcell Ozuna – 0-for-3, 1 run, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I understand Human Resources has a job to do, but, if someone has a problem with me picking up my veal cutlet sandwich and singing Veal Diamond, why don’t they say it to me?”

Danny Santana – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer in, like, 12 games. Guys and five girl readers, if Dannys Antana isn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer, they should close Cooperstown down. Sorry if you live there; it’s done. Move now.

Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .284. In a sea of 30-homer hitters, hitting below 20 homers feels like flotsam. (Or is it jetsam? Do we really need two words for shizz thrown overboard?) But Hosmer’s having a nice bounce back season when counting stats are included.

Manuel Margot – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two days.  Him and Wil Myers have been fire schmotato, as long as Green stops freakin’ playing Josh Naylor.

Chris Paddack – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.19 vs. Kenta Maeda – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.37. During the postgame press conference I had with my fantasy team, this matchup was billed as, “A bad week to quit sniffing glue.”

Max Muncy – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .265. If only someone told you to draft him. Wait, someone did. Me. *dons crown* King stay king!

A.J. Pollock – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  How many Pollocks does it take to homer?  One Pollock to hit the ball over the fence, and 23 million to move the stadium counterclockwise so he rounds the bases.

Walker Buehler – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Glad to see he’s finally stretched out from Spring Training. Now the Dodgers can shut him down for the playoffs.

2020 Draft Kit
 
  1. PK says:
    (link)

    Heh, that was me who pegged Smeltzer as Andy Capp. Those hot fries are hard to resist!

    • Andy Crapp says:
      (link)

      Until you realize they’re made from gmo’s : (

      • malamoney

        malamoney says:
        (link)

        Hot Fries are incredible. Love them. Turns out they are absolutely awful for you to consume however. Why can’t we just have good things….???!!!

        • Grey

          Grey says:
          (link)

          Hot Fries are the absolute best! Except they never breakdown in your body and 85-year-olds have Hot Fries in them they ate when they were 12

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Haha, nice, PK!

  2. jeffjam says:
    (link)

    Name the brave twelve starting pitchers worth owning in the fantasy.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Does anyone dare?

    • jose says:
      (link)

      If I could own any 12
      Cole
      Verlander
      DeGrom
      Scherzer
      Bieber
      Strasburg
      Corbin
      Buehler
      Morton
      Ryu
      Greinke
      Kershaw

  3. Ellis says:
    (link)

    Which should I NOT start

    Odorizzi v ATL and v CLE
    Sonny Gray v CHC
    Marquez @HOU and @SD

    I’m leaning Sonny (so does SON by a lot) but he’s been so good and Odor had some tough matchups this week

    Thank you!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Gray

  4. toolshed says:
    (link)

    Willie Calhoun or JD Davis ros, obp format? I read your buy list and you mentioned concern that they may jerk Calhoun around. They did release asdrubal Cabrera over the weekend. Dont know if he factored into the dh mix, but Calhoun is listed as the starting LF on the depth chart. Davis is also listed at starting LF with Dom Smith on IL.

    • Malicious Phenoms says:
      (link)

      I’d go Willie.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Yeah, true on Asdrubal, agree with MP

  5. Snacks Zillion says:
    (link)

    Sealed up a first round bye already, not a humble brag but just wanted to say a big Thanks to all you guys at Razzball. In all seriousness, no way I would have had such a strong team without the site. To have the back/forth advice in these comments has been a big help. Thanks again for taking the time here to help all of us fantasy base ballers!

    Also, this weekend, I tried to hold the door open for an elderly donkey at the liquor store. The old Donk shoulder checked me and called me a young pup, saying he didn’t need any damn help then proceeded to pick up a smoking hot looking stripper Donk in the Hennessy section with some smooth equine flow. Could this have been Grandpa Donk?? I wanted to get a selfie or an autograph but wasn’t sure…

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Nice! Let’s get you the win!

      That’s a question for Donkey who’s out sick, To Be Continued!

    • Coolwhip

      Coolwhip says:
      (link)

      nice! Great to hear it, good luck

      • Snacks Zillion says:
        (link)

        Thanks guys, much appreciated!!! Hope DT feels better soon.

  6. KCC26 says:
    (link)

    12 team mixed:

    Which side?

    Benintendi/Hamels or Judge/Treinen?

    Also- Benintendi and Judge have the same keeper cost for next year in a league where we can keep 6

    I’m actually ok on power. Benintendi has been killing me this year and I’m struggling to decide if his little hot streak is a sign that he’ll salvage his season down the stretch or if he’s just providing me a window to make a deal like this happen (last 365 days he’s .280 14/10).

    My pitching is: Nola, Sonny, Thor, Hendricks, hamels, Caleb Smith, Yonny C, Miley, D. May

    Whaddya think?!

    Thank you!

    Thanks!

    • Malicious Phenoms says:
      (link)

      I’d want Judge.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Agree with MP

  7. Not the real Hubie Brooks says:
    (link)

    Grey, dude.

    From the NOAA: “You may have heard of ‘flotsam and jetsam’ from the movies, but do you know the meaning of the words? While the phrase ‘flotsam and jetsam’ is often used to describe ‘odds and ends,’ each word has a specific meaning under maritime law.

    Flotsam and jetsam are terms that describe two types of marine debris associated with vessels. Flotsam is defined as debris in the water that was not deliberately thrown overboard, often as a result from a shipwreck or accident. Jetsam describes debris that was deliberately thrown overboard by a crew of a ship in distress, most often to lighten the ship’s load. The word flotsam derives from the French word floter, to float. Jetsam is a shortened word for jettison.

    Under maritime law the distinction is important. Flotsam may be claimed by the original owner, whereas jetsam may be claimed as property of whoever discovers it. If the jetsam is valuable, the discoverer may collect proceeds received though the sale of the salvaged objects.”

    You’re a crook, Captain Hook

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      HA, thanks! Still say wrap those two into one word

    • Systems Overload says:
      (link)

      This entire time I thought Flotsam and Jetsam was the band Jason Newsted used to thrash with.

      • Grey

        Grey says:
        (link)

        Haha

  8. Pine Tar Incident says:
    (link)

    ***bulk alert***

    Angels bulking Sandoval today. *pours one out for PBJ Pena*

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Thanks!

      Sad face for Pena

  9. Drew says:
    (link)

    With his move to the pen, is Newcomb (or Pivetta) worth a speculative add if searching for holds?

    • Malicious Phenoms says:
      (link)

      I guess Newcombe.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Agree with MP

  10. pats mom says:
    (link)

    Grey, thanks for the write ups! It’s the only way I can stay engaged this late in the season.

    Would you take Duvall or CJ Cron over Hunter Dozier ROS? H2H categories 12tm yahoo.
    Appreciate it

    • Malicious Phenoms says:
      (link)

      No, I’d stick with Dozier

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Thanks! I’d try Duvall, but extra risk there

  11. Duda Want to Build a Snowman? says:
    (link)

    You starting Scherzer this week in hopes he gets a start in by end of week? I’m winning ERA narrowly and have a top 3 whip, so trying to protect those points / can’t stream too aggressively.

    Alternative options – Odorizzi @ATL and v CLE, LeClerc as 4th RP, Wood v CHC. (Nothing too great)

    • Maybe none of them. Unless you need wins and k’s. Leave the spot open? Tough call.

    • Malicious Phenoms says:
      (link)

      I’d put Max in the open spot. Better than your other options and no big deal if he does not pitch..

      • Duda Want to Build a Snowman? says:
        (link)

        Thanks – yeah, the other options can actively hurt me + the K/SV upside (the only reason I’d put them in) don’t outweigh the ERA/WHIP downside given the matchups and LeClerc volatility..

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      I think you have to start Max

  12. RicoSuave says:
    (link)

    Great work Grey!

    16 team H2H weekly points league… redraft

    UGH! I lost Crystal DAHL and Crystal BUXTON (Also Stanton a while ago) and now I’m in need of OFs… there’s not much on the wire.

    Who should I pick up?

    Kipnis, JD Davis, Tauchman, Inciarte, Teoscar Hernandez?

    Thanks Grey for the help!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Ender, but could depend on needs

  13. RicoSuave says:
    (link)

    And I guess it’s safe to drop Buxton, right? I have Tucker stashed so hopefully he’s called up soon otherwise I’d have to drop him and pick up some immediate help…

    Thanks again!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Yup

  14. Chuckles Tiddlesworth says:
    (link)

    The Pitcherpocalypse continues. Great that Musgrove is pitching to contact! Thanks, Ray Searage!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      Haha

  15. galica says:
    (link)

    Grey!!!

    Loved your report, that day has still not arrived.

    a. You can call it the Conforto Line.

    b. On Earth 3, there is a Marcus Stroman who calls himself The Ass man and works the concession stand selling cracker jack and ice cold drinks.

    c. Btw, love how they say ‘The Long Island native can finally come home’ of Stroman. No one tell them Long Island is far from Queens (it’s about 40 miles of straight highway, right?).

    d. Thank you for not mentioning my slip last week. I called Shane Greene, Shawn Green when referring to the Braves’ bullpen closer. Now I’ve gone and jinxed him so technically it’s your fault for not correcting me. LOL.

    e. Phils could also get Nadir’s ugly cousin….My Dear Bupkis. They call her My Dear to deflect her ugliness.

    f. I saw the play that Pena made – seriously innocuous play…run to the bag, catch the underhanded flip from the 1st base man and step on the bag… Of course he Mr Bungled it and landed with his right foot on the bottom left corner of the first base bag in an effort to avoid having the runner step on his foot. I thought initially it was a sprained ankle, so he has a really flaky body for an athlete. Agreed, poor Trout, Angels are toast yet again. He’s going to retire an Angel and be the best player NEVER to win a world series ring and it’ll be the reason he doesn’t get into the hall in 2034.

    g. Abbott and Costello quote of the day for August 5

    From Pardon my Sarong, 1942

    [Abbott and Costello are driving a bus (actually Lou is driving) full of bodacious babes. Easy, it’s 1942 so they’re dressed conservatively. They pass a sign post…’Los Angeles 144 miles’.]

    Abbott: Oh, will you keep your eyes open?

    Costello: I can’t. I’m sleepy. I didn’t get no sleep in that motel.

    Abbott: Why?

    Costello: Some dummy put the bed in the closet.

    Abbott: It’s a Murphy bed.

    Costello: Murphy should have slept in it.

    Abbott: Drive straight. We’re running out of gas.

    Costello: Running out of gas?

    Abbott: Oh. Yes. What are you driving so fast for?

    Costello: I got to get to a station before we run out of gas.

    Abbott: No, no.

    [Small segue to the closest gas station with two gangsters talking. There’s a baseball story so I include it herein.]

    Gangster #1: How you gonna pay for gas? What are you gonna use for dough?

    Gangster #2: Don’t worry about the dough. I’ll see if I can get away with a baseball story. [To the Gas station attendant]: Hey, you like baseball?

    Gas station attendant: Do I? I never miss a game.

    Gangster #2: The last half of the 9th, the score is tied. Three men on base. Up comes DiMagg. Three balls, two strikes. The pitcher winds up, throws… Zowie, a home run! The Yanks win five to one.

    Gas station Attendant: We sure put it over, didn’t we?

    Gangster #2: Yep, we sure put it over! We certainly did!

    [And the Gangsters drive away without paying. I wonder if that story still works. Somehow I doubt it.]

    Cheers,
    Ante

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      A. The Equarto? B. HA! C. I know, that is one of the sillier narratives D. Ha E. Yup F. I didn’t see it G. Nice!