*counting puffs of smoke out of a chimney* “One…two…Mama mia! It’s two puffs-a smoke-a!” An Italian boy rides his bike through The Vatican, swerving around bishops, priests and nuns. Finally, the Italian boy skids to a stop, tosses his bike down and runs into a chapel. Inside, he runs up to the altar, where a priest wears a DraftKings cap. “Father, they held the Cardinals to two hits?” “Holy See……….t!” There’s about 40 top twenty starters. Does that mean there’s 40 top 20 starters? Not exactly. There’s 40 starters who could sneak into the top 20 starter conversation. Then there’s about 20 starters who could sneak into the top 10 starter conversation. Then there’s about ten starters who could be a top five starter. Finally, there’s about five starters who could be the top starter. Aaron Nola is in that last group. Yesterday, Aaron Nola went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.19, solidifying himself as a 10+ K/9, 1-something BB/9 ace. Holy See……….t, indeed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
John Gant – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.21. He allowed five walks, and five hits, while recording five Ks in five innings. Lucky Johnny Five didn’t short circuit.
Huascar Ynoa – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.94. Hey, man with a machete, would you mind watching my cafe au lait while I went to the bathroom in this Afghani cave?…*three hours later*…Whoa,I must’ve fell asleep for a few hours…Hey, it’s drafty in here, could someone close my chest cavity–AHHH!!! Roofie!!!
Ronald Acuña Jr. – Left with pain in his lower abdominal. Well, I appreciate them not calling it an oblique. *sobs wildly for 45 minutes, then calms suddenly* Think we need a prayer hexagon.
Bryse Wilson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, as he was called up. Still a bit rough and ready with his command that could lead to a roofie — by the by, Braves and roofies in agreement to work together for the entire season? — But I’d grab Wilson in deeper than 14-team mixed leagues, just in case he’s finally putting it together. That something: 9+ K/9, 2-something BB/9.
Guillermo Heredia – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers (1, 2). A 30-year-old who has 1147 plate appearances with a line of 19/7/.238, and whose top home run output in the minors in a season was two homers. Last night seems repeatable (if you highlight the text and have Siri read it back to you).
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Travis d’Arnaud (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer and Ehire Adrianza (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer. These guys weren’t homering for themselves, as much as they were homering to remind you Tildaddy was hurt and Albies essentially hasn’t started playing yet. Ah, April baseball, you giant nads punch.
Kyle Hendricks – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.92. That puts a nice little bow on my week. Thank you, Satan.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homers. HR to the Izzo, and say it again now.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.47. Okay, it’s time I rolled up my sleeves and dug in on him. *fakes rolling up sleeves, hoping no one notices, someone notices, sighs, rolls up sleeves* His numbers look the same as they always look. Same velocity, same Ks, same walks, same, same, same. He’s just had some great matchups, and Streamonator likes his next too.
Christian Yelich – Hit the IL with back tightness. See the video at the top of the page. Price is likely even lower now, and I’d be more than a little interested if I could swing a deal.
Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.00. One-time contributor suggested the nickname of FreddyKBB, and so it will be. That boy has alligator blood.
Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. The Jelly Donut of Swat usually eats meatballs, but he decided to kreme two, hopefully with a nice burrata. Mmm…savory donuts. The final frontier.
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, in the last week he’s hitting .357. Call him Magnum PI-rate.
Matthew Boyd – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.03. Boyd finally gave up a home run. Told ya he stinks. I kid. He might not stink. I’d continue to roster, and Streamonator loves his next start.
Dylan Cease – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.86. Dylan not dealin’. That’s a palindrome for sounds, so welcome to the soundrome.
Tanner Houck – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.35, as he returned to the rotation. Houck yeah, I streamed him, and that worked out pretty poorly. I’m a bigger fan of Houck, then maybe is warranted but *rubbing nose, fiending* I need them strikeouts.
Lance Lynn – Hit the IL with a strained trapezius. What the fook was he doing on a tightrope?!
Michael Kopech – 3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.69. How’s that for a flex? Starting in Fenway against the team that traded you away for Chris Sale. Would be shocking to see Kopech moved back into the pen after this start, and with Lynn injured. Counterpoint: Tony La Russa. He could say something like, “We like Kopech best in the bullpen, and do you know 5,000 bulls are injured a year in accidents that occur in china shops?” Of course, Kopech will need to be stretched out across a few starts.
Yermin Mercedes – 1-for-7 and his 4th homer. Pebbles sang it best, “Yermin, can ride in my Mercedes, boy.”
Tim Anderson – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer in the first half of the 7-inning doubleheader and then sat out the 2nd half. That’s just smart, don’t want anyone getting tired after missing ten games with an injury and Anderson being roughly a week into the season. Ugh, I hate 7-inning doubleheaders so much. We’re going to miss so many at-bats, due to them.
Marcus Stroman – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.89. This game happened in Coors and *drools* why don’t I have Stroman in every league?
Chris Owings – Moved to the 60-day IL and needs surgery on his thumb. Shame, he’s the type of guy Bud Black would’ve gave 700 plate appearances. Good news for Hampson, he gets to play, or at least hear new excuses why he’s not playing.
Aaron Sanchez – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.45. Is it me or are more starters going just-under-5 innings this year? Here’s an absolute bonkers idea, let starters throw five innings!
Alex Wood – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated from the IL. His slider was like, “Bye for now, maybe I’ll see you again soon, maybe I won’t.” Pretty impressive first start, but Wood seems to be in the Rich Hill camp of guys who won’t stay healthy, but are good while they are. Makes sense you’d find Wood with Dick Mountain.
Starling Marte – Left the game with what appeared to be an oblique injury, and that’s a three-week’er, usually. That really sucks–Wait a second! Jon Berti’s going to get everyday at-bats? Okay, now I’m excited.
Sonny Gray – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, as he was activated from the IL. This is still a working theory and nothing I’m engraving into a piece of rock, but guys are unable to do real rehab right now, and coming off the IL is even more dangerous than usual.
Stephen Strasburg – Hit the IL with “of course he hit the IL.” It sorta came out of nowhere. Very surprising. Taking his spot in the rotation was Paolo Espino (4 1/3 IP, 2 ER). Glad to see Paolo was able to bounce back from his tragic arc on Lost.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer. Treat’s on pace for 40/40, and I’m not writing anything off, except my dog’s Spanish lessons.
Tim Locastro – Hit the IL with a dislocated pinkie. Excuse me, an unhoused pinkie. In NL-Only leagues, I’m looking at Nick Heath (3-for-4) for possible playing time. Dbacks just acquired him from Royals and he stole 50 bags in only 84 Double-A games. Yes, fiddy.
J.B. Bukauskas – Diamondbacks called up the former 1st round pick, who could sneak into Diamondbacks’ closer shituation, but Joakim Soria is due back soon. Also, Stefan Crichton (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.05) recorded the first Diamondbacks save since Chris Devenski. Crichton solving the mystery of who will rope fantasy baseballers into heartache as they chase saves. Bukauskas is more likely a K/9 middle reliever. Oddly enough, if you keep picking up and dropping middle relievers for saves, it’s essentially a circle jerk, and another name for that is Bukauskas.
Jordan Luplow – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert! Also, would’ve been better off drafting Luplow instead of Bellinger in the 2nd round. Haha, kill me.
Shane Bieber – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.45 vs. Wade Miley – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25. This matchup was billed as “Wade Miley is a solid starter, when his pitching is not actively compared against an actual solid starter.”
Joey Votto – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. *hand breaks through the soil, feels around* We pull back to see the hand is right on the edge of the Hot Schmotato/Zombino patch.
Tyler Naquin – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Yawn, I took Naquin last week, and it put me to sleep with platoons.
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Y’all crazy starting RoBBie Ray. I watched way more of this game than I wanted, and he has no idea where any pitch is going at any time.
Brady Singer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.77. Pitched so much better than his opponent. Was like night and Ray!
Jake Odorizzi – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 10.57. Hopefully once Spring Training is over, Odorizzi is ready to go.
Trent Grisham – Scratched with quad tightness. Grisham said, “Tightness got the Trentness.”
Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .313. Lot of my fantasy teams’ offenses are garbage so far, but, I’ve enjoyed having this guy, for what it’s Cronenworth.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 9 Ks, ERA at 2.55 vs. Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.19. Hopefully these two teams meet in the 1st round of a one-game playoff, so MLB can see how stupidly unbalanced the rest of the league vs. these two teams. The Yankees out there thinking they’re competing with Gerrit Cole and pray for four days of rain.
Gavin Lux – Hit the IL with a sore wrist. Now he’s pist, for at least two weeks he’s hist, screaming, “Why don’t injuries mist?” That’s my rap for the day; waiting for the call from The Breakfast Club. Sheldon Neuse (0-for-2) was called up. Love to say he’s the new Dodgers’ 2nd baseman, because I don’t have Zach McKinstry on any teams, but it would be a lie, and one thing I, a 6’2″ man, won’t do is lie.
Cody Bellinger – Out with a hairlines fracture of his calf. Up until it was announced about the hairline fracture, he had a day-to-day injury. So, for about two weeks it was Schröbellinger’s calf. Strike everything I said in the preseason about Chris Taylor (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer) not being able to get playing time.
Kyle Garlick – Twins had an outbreak, and they might not play games for a few days. It started when Andrelton tested positive for Covid, and now Garlick. In related news, vampires test negative for Covid.
John Means – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.52 vs. Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Love Means as much as I hate Gibson. He’s just waiting for you to pick him up. Kyle Gibson: Passive Aggressive Starter. By the way, the Rangers will be traveling to Anaheim, and will be in the locker room where the Twins’ outbreak happened. Everyone figured the Rangers aren’t a team that makes contact anyway.
Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at….Guess. I liked Dunning a lot coming into this season, told you to draft him, and every since you did, you’ve been asking if you should drop him. So, what’s his ERA? No, it’s gee-dee 0.60! What is wrong with you people? Why are you dropping him?
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 0.73. Okay, not trying to be Negatory Nancy from Notucket, but four walks in five innings is old Glasnow peeking through.
Joey Wendle – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .176. He has 48 homers as a Yankee. That’s in four years! The year before the trade, he hit 59 homers for the Marlins. I want the Marlins to spend money, but when they do shizz like that, it’s hard to justify it. Though, where’s Baby Devers, who the Marlins got?
Jay Bruce – Retiring. He’s getting me a little sentimental. Jay Bruce was the first call-up I covered for Razzball in 2008. Here’s what I said back then, “Ian Stewart didn’t get the call, so I dropped him for Bruce. No harm, no foul. If you have the spot, it makes sense to take a flier as they say in the biz (which biz that is, I’m not sure).” And that’s me quoting me! Hahahahaha…Ian Stewart! Yeah, no harm, no foul dropping him 2008 Grey. Also, 13 years later, I still have no idea what biz this is. Happy trails, Jay Bruce, I hope you enjoy retirement for two years, then return as a color commentator for the Reds until you say something truly awful on a hot mic.