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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH OR $13/MONTH WITH AN EXTRA WEEKLY PODCAST.)
I remove my Christian Door glasses, an offshoot of Christian Dior I was told, to study the side of the colonic box. Reading the instructions, “Take two of these pills, drink sixteen cups of coffee, place yourself on top of your toilet, flush every three minutes until you no longer hear the sound of Niagara Falls.” Hmm, interesting, I ponder thoughtfully, as I’m known to do. Then I say to the pharmacist, “What if instead of streaming out my butt, I’m streaming out of my outfield?” He points towards waivers, where there’s a Kelenic. Excellent, a holistic treatment! My hippie mother will be happy to hear it! Jarred Kelenic is up…Dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot dot…Now? Okay, was trying to stall, but he’s coming up any day now. You need to grab him in all leagues. I see he’s at 48% rostered, and he should be at a hun’dit. He could be a top 20 outfielder this year. We’re talking a guy who could be 24/17/.280 in five months. Otherwise known as what you want from Randy Arozarena. Side note: What’s funny is I wrote the preceding, then went to look at what I wrote back in November, and here’s November Grey, “What if I were to tell you Jarred Kelenic could be next year’s Randy Arozarena? I’m kidding, it’s just funny to overhype some guy by comparing him to a guy with, like, twelve games played. But, seriously, would Randy Arozarena 2021 interest you? Still joking. Kelenic has bigger power than Randy. Blasphemy! But it’s true.” And that’s me quoting me! Get this Kelenic in your system and stop streaming. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Wilson Ramos – Was looking at Jed Lowrie and Wilson Ramos in this week’s Buy column, and thinking about how much I wish the Mets would trade Pete Alonso anywhere. The Mets’ womb is polluted like they’re Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface. “Say hello to my little friend!” Scarface pulls out his wallet and shows a Topps card of Altuve. “Hey, Scarface, that’s not how you keep a mint card, man.”
Travis Shaw – Imagine this is 2019 when I said Travis Shaw would win the MVP…*wavy lines* Hey, what’s up, I’m Grey and it’s 2019! Catchers are so cool, I wish I could wear a mask every day…*wavy lines* Wow, 2019 Grey was very dumb.
Jed Lowrie – “How much terrible luck does automatically befall every Mets player?” That’s a docent at the Natural History of Jed Lowrie Museum.
Jazz Chisholm – For our next song, we will be playing, “*makes fart noises with hand under armpit* I hope you enjoy.” That’s your dad’s jazz. Chisholm is our Jazz!
Colin Moran – Confession alert! I’ve liked Colin Moran for a few years. Not like, “Jumping out at a red light to hug” like, but liked more than I prolly should’ve. So far this year, he’s showing 2020 might’ve had one good thing, Moran’s emergence as a productive hitter.
Renato Nunez – I guarantee you the best is yet to come for Renato. See, he only has a couple of homers now, so for the best to be ‘yet to come’ he only needs to hit like four more homers the rest of the way. He could even be better than the best is yet to come. That makes sense, right?
Zach McKinstry – Prospect Itch went over McKinstry the other day, saying, “(He) has been hitting well for a long time, including a torrid stretch in AAA with the 2019 balls when he slashed .382/.421/.753 and hit seven home runs in 26 games. That’s the last time he was an everyday player. He’s a good example of betting on the talent and hoping the playing time materializes, now who can I pay to beat up Grey?” What?! The problem I have with McKinstry is Cody will return shortly, so be careful about how good the player is you’re dropping for Zach-Mc.
Luis Urias – More of a monocle than a Buy, but there’s no Monocle column. *thinks for a half hour* Yet.
Phillip Evans – Is it possible to get everyone to use one or two L’s with Phillip and just stick with that? Also, we can’t have Zack ending in C, Ch, or K. Y’all gotta choose. Any hoo! Because I wanted to watch Padres pitchers, I’ve been watching a lot of Pirates, and Evans has been on everything. His previous year numbers say the power will tail off but he should be good for contact, i.e., might hit .280+.
Tim Locastro – You don’t need steals? Damn, I wish I was living right like you. What’s your secret? And don’t try to sell me on any of your multi-level marketing products.
Adolis Garcia – Here’s what I said this morning, “I was impressed with his power (on his homer), but wasn’t sure about him, so went to look at his minor league numbers and my eyes did a little bulge out of their sockets. In his (and everyone’s) last year of Triple-A in 2019, he went 32/14/.253. Obviously, there’s an issue with contact, and he projects around a 35% strikeout rate, but power/speed guy in a lineup that needs anything plays. Might have to change my team names to Much Adolis About a Dolis.” And that’s me quoting me!
Rafael Dolis – Small note about people who play in FAAB leagues. I talked about this on the podcast this week, but if you don’t listen, maybe you read. Don’t spend a ton on the “closer of the week” with FAAB. No matter how appealing guys appear week to week, and Dolis or Trivino appear appealing. There will be new closers next week who also appear appealing. This blurb was brought to you by the misheard Xmas lyrics, Ten Lords a pear a peeling…
Kendall Graveman – Fun fact! Kendall Graveman is what I named my Ken doll when it told me it wanted to quit school and work at a cemetery. Also, Graveman is the M’s closer. Hard to say a hundred-percent-ly, if it stays that way. Carry on, carrier!
Emmanuel Clase – The Indians’ closer is Clase, which is pronounced like glacé, which is French for ice cream, and saying that makes you sound classy, which is also his designation — Clase, C.
Yoan Lopez – Could be the Diamondbacks’ closer or not. Have no idea, but it’s much worse that the Diamondbacks have no idea who their closer is, so put that in your pipe and smoke it and don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Lou Trivino – The Oaktown Oaklanders will have a lot of saves this year, so if Trivino can lock down the job, he could have huge value. Trivino’s biggest handicap is Diekman and the back nine. Yes, Grey has no idea anything about golf and can’t even fake it.
Logan Gilbert – This is not a Streamonator call. This a “Logan Gilbert might be called up any moment” call. Not sure when it happens, but when it does, his calling-upping will be one of those where he’s an add in all leagues. He is easily as good as, say, Huascar Ynoa.
Alex Cobb – This is a chance to get in on the ground floor if Cobb is actually breaking out but it’s also a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to its favorite OnlyFans.
Danny Duffy – This is also a Streamonator call. “Hello, OnlyFans? Do you have any ceiling fans that only wave hello instead of goodbye?”
SELL
Byron Buxton – Listen haters will hate. We know that from my bumper sticker; my t-shirt; the patch on my jeans that runs from my ankle to my ass; the sign on my front lawn. “Haters gonna hate” is my birthstone. I don’t want to hate, but that’s what haters do! Won’t even make this about how Buxton is struggling with a hamstring injury, and, even if wrapped in bubble wrap, he never stays healthy. Will keep it focused on his skills. His best season is 16/29/.253 in 140 games, but he might be a different player now. Not sure if he has that speed, and likely more power. How’sever his Launch Angle is way down, fly balls are down, much more of a 17% or lower HR/FB%, but is at 45%. Did he really become a 40/.360 hitter? Don’t make me hurt myself with an eye roll. If you can find someone who believes Buxton became a new player, then I’d go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and propose away. I wouldn’t sell him for a ticket to watch Keith Raniere play volleyball.
