Trevor Rosenthal and Mitch Moreland were traded to the Padres. Here’s what the Padres are saying to the major leagues: We are your father. Going the other way was Edward Olivares, and some prospects. The hug at the airport when Franchy Cordero sees Edward Olivares will be priceless. “What kind of things are there to do in Kansas City?” “Do you like jazz?” “I thought people just said they like jazz, but no one actually likes jazz.” “True.” Then after a brief pause, “Do the Royals let you play?” “Nah, they have Alex Gordon.” As for Rosenthal, he goes to a place with no set closer, and they will win some games. Rosenthal could be a top 10 closer the rest of the way, or he blows up his 1st game, and Drew Pomeranz is the closer again, or Emilio Pagan. For now, I’d put Rosenthal, Pomeranz then Pagan, as the pecking order. In KC, I’d look at Greg Holland, Scott Barlow or Josh Staumont, that order, but with limited chances. Oh, and Jesse Hahn, who got the save on Saturday, is there and he had an affair with Reverend Jim Bakker. Finally, Mitch Moreland, well, nothing really changes for him, or the main Padres hitters. The DH gave the Padres more room to play with, and they got Moreland. He can hit it out of any stadium, and he enters a better lineup. Did I just say the Padres’ lineup is better than a Red Sox lineup? Yup, welcome to 2020 and back from your coma! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason Castro – Also, traded to the Padres. Headed back to the Angels from the Padres will be Fernando Tatis Jr. The abbreviation makes things confusing, but it’s Fernando Tatis Jerrold, a journeyman outfielder who hasn’t hit higher than .200 in High-A.

Austin Nola – Also, traded to the Padres. You know what would be crazy? If the trading deadline was on 8/31 and only the Padres knew about it. Nola joins Castro and that New Orleans is a Commie city and this proves it! My guess is Nola works all over the diamond — DH, catcher, 1B, 3B, OF, can he Zoom his brother him to teach him how to pitch? It’s a solid NL-Only get, but in mixed leagues there’s not much value change.

Antonio Senzatela – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.32. After MLB installed humidors in a half dozen parks without telling anyone, I’m waiting to offhandedly hear they put a chamber that simulates the gravity on Jupiter with its heavy pull in Coors.

Mychal Givens – Traded to the Rockies. Bud Black will start Givens at 2nd base in front of Hampson. So, you’d think Givens would be the new Rockies’ closer, but have I mentioned Bud Black is a dope in the last twelve words? Because he is.

Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Sonavabench! The start in Coors is when you decide to get your shizz together? Aw cmon!

Trent Grisham – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .252. People were actually arguing in December of last year that the Padres would miss Luis Urias. Sending you a virtual L.

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .206. Also, in this game, Eric Hosmer (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 7th homer; Jake Cronenworth (3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .361) hit his 4th homer and the Padres are the greatest team since the 1894 Hoboken LongPanties.

J.D. Martinez – Left yesterday’s game with a wrist injury. He hurt himself miming how he would sign away his no-trade clause.

Bobby Dalbec – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he was recalled by the Red Sox to replace Moreland. He looks like he could be Luke Voit for the next 30 days, then hit .210 next year when everyone’s crazy about him. Huge power, could barely hit .250 in Triple-A. I picked him up in one mixed league, and would grab him elsewhere.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .302. XBogs started the video game-like scoring for the Sawx.

Rafael Devers – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .240. Well, you got at least one good game from him. I kid, but in a 60-game season, all you kinda need is one big game.

DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-6, 1 run as he was activated from the IL on Saturday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Sorry about singing Covid-eo Killed The Guy In HR to the tune of Video Killed The Radio Star. He seemed like a nice guy.”

Deivi Garcia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was recalled. To quote a Yelp review of the Yankees, “The Yankees are the best fahkin’ A!” Well, said, Sal G. of Staten Island. Deivi was optioned right back down after the game. “Fahkin’ A! The bad fahkin A this time.” For keepers, check Prospect Itch’s top 150 starters for 2021 dynasty.

J.A. Happ – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at…Guess. He’s been awful for years, right? So, guess what his ERA is this year. Nope, it’s 4.05. I thought it was at least over 5.50. That is surprising to me. A Happ accident, if you started him.

Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s the 3rd best bat in the Yanks’ lineup, so Hicks will now get hurt–*finger to earbud* Yep, Jordy Mercer is now the Yankees’ 3rd best hitter.

Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 1 ER, and an epic blown save, his 4th. More shocking than Edwin blowing this game is that it’s been two years now, across two different managers, and Diaz still gets opportunities.

Robinson Cano – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. On our Player Rater, Cano is a lot higher than you think. How do I know? I’m reading your mind!

J.D. Davis – Left yesterday’s game with what appeared to be an IL-type injury. Just Doh!

Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .218. Four homers at the end of August? What a bum! Wait, we’re only halfway through the season. On third thought, that still sucks.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .120. How about the Pirates bringing up Will Craig and then not playing him? An echoing chef’s kiss from the purple mountain majesties to the Antifa soldiers.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Some day you’re gonna explain how Flaherty had an under-2.00 ERA across five months of baseball without missing any starts to injury and didn’t finish top three in the Cy either year.

Adam Wainwright – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.65. The pandemic has made him stronger. Someone test Wainwright’s blood for vaccine antibodies.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3,75. Exhibit A why I said not to worry about his last bad start. There are no more exhibits.

Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.10 vs. Josh Tomlin – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.37. This matchup was billed as Eflin/Tomlin or ‘What Bea Arthur would say.’ Streamonator doesn’t love Eflin’s next start, and I see no reason to risk it.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .250, and 2nd homer in the last two games and third homer in the four games, and fifth homer in the last week, and I believe in Rhysus!

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Also, in this game, Didi Gregorius (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer; Roman Quinn (3-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 2nd, and you can’t tell me Rob Manfraud isn’t juicing the balls for Sunday Night Baseball. You cannot tell me this.

Tommy Milone – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.68, as he was traded from the O’s to the Braves. This is a great trade for the Braves. Now they have one guy to lose every 5th start, so their other pitchers can win. That’s how the law of averages works, right?

Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. *guitar sting* Babip O’Riley!

Gavin Lux – 2-for-4, as he was recalled from the alternate training site, but it’s unclear how much he’ll play. Go Dodger Blue (balls)!

Will Smith – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 4th homer. Call him The Fresh Prince of the Ball-in-the-Air.

Tony Gonsolin – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.51. Hmm, okay, bit of a hand-under-the-armpit-fart sound, but I’d hold. Should be able to go deeper next time out.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (3), hitting .225. Crazy how much a poor couple weeks will drag down a player’s entire season this year. Bellinger might not look great at the end of the year, but if the season was another 100 games, three random poor weeks at the beginning of the season would’ve been so forgotten by September.

Justin Dunn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.33 vs. Griffin Canning – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.04. The Mariners/Angels matchup featured hitters like Anthony Rendon, Mike Trout, Kyle Lewis and…uh…that other guy what’s his name, Marmalady? Just then, Albert Pujols shuts off his Life Alert so we can hear, “Don’t forget me,” then after a beat, “Did I say that loud enough? I can’t hear so well anymore.”

Kyle Lewis – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .339. Kyle Lewis in the top 20 next year or no? C’mon, let’s be crazy! Can’t be worse than Adalberto Mondesi (or Pete Alonso, Jose Altuve, Alex Bregman, Matt Olson, maybe I don’t go on.)

Sandy Alcantara – 4 IP, 5 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Looked rusty, which is a natural effect of being Sandy, that and little pebbles in my butt crack. For Alcantara, I wouldn’t trust him until we saw a good start.

Lewis Brinson – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s looked better, turning on balls like I haven’t seen from him previously. Worth cyclops’ing.

Garrett Cooper – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .300 from the three-hole and he’s played less than a week, so bit early to get crazy excited, but I have a crush on Cooper; he’s super duper!

Yoshitomi Tsutsugo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .188. Also, in this game, Willy Adames (2-for-5, 4 RBIs) hit his 4th homer; Kevin Kiermaier (1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st; Joey Wendle (1-for-6) hit his 2nd, and Hunter Renfroe (1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) stole his 2nd base. Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!

Ryan Yarbrough – Hit the IL with groin tightness. Let out your inseam, and let’s go!

Mike Zunino – Hit the IL with an oblique injury. Injuries to my random 2nd catcher are so annoying. You don’t pay me enough to pay attention.

Jose Martinez – Traded from the Rays to the Cubs. Figures that the Ricketts would get a lefty masher.

Tyler Chatwood – Left yesterday’s start with elbow discomfort. How well can Jose Martinez pitch? I’d expect Jose Quintana to be moved back into the rotation. So, again I ask you, how well can Jose Martinez pitch?

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.47. They should judge this year’s Cy Youngs from post-All-Star Break last year through this year and Darvish and Flaherty should be co-NL Cy Youngs.

Jeremy Jeffress – 1 IP, 0 ER as he closed out the 1st game on Saturday, and Kimbrel gave away the 2nd, and Kimbrel’s droppable in almost all leagues. Dude’s toast, and not even good toast like Melba or rye.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. In related news, that’s nine times Joe Buck has screamed at his mother to give him some privacy.

Ian Happ – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .294. Maybe I’m underestimating fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!), but I have a feeling Happ is going to be underrated again next year.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-3, and his 4th and 5th homer, and three homers in the last four games. From Heyward jablowme to Heyward checkmeout. Looks like a hot schmotato.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.93. During the half innings Lynn wasn’t on the mound, he sat at a folding table with his agent, waiting to be saved from the Rangers.

Luke Weaver – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 8.23. I’m gonna give you my breakdown of this start after streaming him:  It sucked.

Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. Diamondbacks’ Edu-Escobar doing distance learning with a Coke and a smile.

Taylor Clarke – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.22. Ugh, was so close to streaming him, but I kept worrying I was picking up the guy from Yes, Dear. Bit overdue for a breakdown, so here goes. Clarke works with a 95 MPH fastball, and three other pitches with his 89 MPH changeup doing the best work (.056 BAA). Far from a highly touted arm, but more than serviceable in most matchups.

Johnny Cueto – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.75. Missing a win by one third of an inning is so dumb. Scorekeepers can award a win to anyone, so why don’t they? It makes no sense. Take that responsibility from them and give it to me; I’ll give wins out to the right people!

Dane Dunning – 5 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, one walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Fun fact! Dane Dunning is someone who was named after the Law & Order theme song. Streamonator loved this start by Dunning, but isn’t crazy about his next.

Luis Robert – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .291. After much deliberation, I think it’s best if they just waive the Hall of Fame five-year period for Luis Robert.

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (7). To Whit, he’s out there acting like he owns himself in fantasy.

Jordan Romano – Hit the IL with numbness in his middle finger. Truck drivers are also numb to the middle finger. Anthony Bass is likely the closer until Ken Giles returns. Color me uninterested.

Hunter Harvey – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. Orioles said he’ll be eased into the Orioles’ closer role. That would pop-pop, fizz-fizz a Cole Sulser’s fantasy value, if he wasn’t doing it himself (2/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save).

Ryan Mountcastle – 3-for-4, 3 RBIS and his 1st and 2nd homer, hitting .393. The Orioles held him down for about 14 months too long to start Chris Davis. Teams are so corrupt/bad/adjective.

Keegan Akin – Will be called up to start Monday. Speaking of being held down, Akin was drafted in the 2nd round of 2016, and supposed to be up in 2019. He used to have a plus-fastball, but he’s lost a few miles off it recently, because ‘want not waste all.’ Akin’s akin (stutterer!) to a 5th starter with no control.

Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Not a bad first start for the playoffs-chasing Jays, though every team but the Red Sox get into the playoffs this year.

Michael Pineda – Will make his season debut on Tuesday. If he were five Quality Starts into this season, I wouldn’t trust him. Coming off a PEDs suspension of 12 months? If you start him, you have pants grapes larger than I.

Randy Dobnak – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.12. The Regression Fairies do Zoom calls with five guys they call ‘my girlfriends,’ and they will destroy your ratios.

Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 7.27. One of the weirder phenomenons for me is when a pitcher is legitimately not good in four of five categories, and people clamor for him. Boyd is merely the latest in a long line of guys who have come before him.

Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks in only 70 pitches. Way to make Boyd’s start look less impressive, Skubal.

Gregory Soto – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.12, and now with two post-Jimenez saves. I’m willing to declare Soto is the lone closer in the Tigers’ pen, which is how fantasy baseball ‘perts say utter nonsense. Like they have a say in something. I’m willing to declare you’re guessing with the rest of us. Any hoo! Soto appears to have the Tigers’ closer job.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .303. He was the lede in my Buy/Sell on Friday, because I’m from the future. Seriously, imagine someone coming from the future back to 2020. Haha, what are you, the dumbest time traveler ever? Was going to Hiroshima in 1945 not possible?

Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Hot schmotato alert! By the by, I own Jeimer in a Best Ball league, and I’m convinced whoever is in 1st after the first game of the season in a Best Ball league, stays there the rest of the way. Do teams ever move in the standings in Best Ball? I’m going to be researching this.

Luis Garcia – Called up by the Astros. You put Luis Garcia into the Fangraphs search bar and it’s like, “Nah, man, I need a middle initial or something.” Garcia hasn’t pitched above High-A, and looks like he might struggle to hit the broadside of a barn. So, Daniel Vogelbach can safely face him.

Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.06. In home starts, McCullers is Old McCullers had an ace, ei-ei-o. In away starts, he’s ei-ei-no.

Frankie Montas – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.06. Bummer for me to see Montas completely broken, but don’t get me wrong, he is broken. I’d rather own Frankie Muniz on my fantasy team.

Tommy La Stella – Traded to the A’s just in time for the A’s to get shut down with a case of Covid. Oh em gee, Tommy La Stella is a super-spreader! My guess is the A’s, like the Reds, Mets and other teams before them, will miss at least a series, depends on how many positives now come back. Any hoo! Tommy La Stella went from LA to A’s so it’s Tommy A’s Stella or Tommy Launch Angle StellA’s. You make the call! I am merely a vessel of nonsense. Tommy Launch went from a terrible park to a terrible park, but his lineup got better. A boost in value? P to the erhaps, but barely, said Smokey the Bear while hanging out in the buff.