For as batshizz crazy 2020 is, I will say that it is exciting. Maybe exciting isn’t the right word. Maybe batshizz crazy is the right thing to say, and leave it at that. Every day we have another rookie callup and I’m here for it, even if it might lead to roofies and waking up to wonder why a member of al Qaeda is making a lampshade out of your back skin. “Que quiero mi torso…lampshade?” Al Qaeda, “We don’t speak Spanish.” So, yesterday the Padres called up Luis Patino. My mom is always telling people about her kitchen cabinets’ faux patina, so this must be good. Check it out: Here he is in Prospect Itch’s top 25 prospects for 2020 fantasy baseball. Also, Prospect Hobbs wrote about 1200 words in his Luis Patino fantasy. I’m jazzed like hands and psyched like a shrink! Here’s a small snippet from PH’s post, “Even with just two refined pitches (and another two in the making), Patino has completely baffled right-handed hitters, as they produced a meager .163/.259/.220 slash against him in 2019. Clearly, Patino could step into a big league bullpen tomorrow and be elite. Like, ya know, the opposite of whatever Grey is.” Oh, man, cmon! So, is this the end of Joey Lucchesi of the Doing Crimes To Your Fantasy Team Crime Family? Not sure, but even if Patino is a long man in the bullpen, he’s worth a flyer in leagues 12-team mixed and deeper, depending on needs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Musgrove – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.75. So, I guess we should’ve sat him for this start. And I oop. Streamonator hated this start, and loves his next one, so if you’re not having too many Musgrovings, I could see starting him in his next one.

Phillip Evans – 3-for-5, 1 RBI hitting .393 with a .500 BABIP. I know Phillip Ervin. I know Evans, White and Longoria. Phillip Evans, I don’t know. Looking at his player page tells me he’s a journeyman who should not be playing in front of Jose Osuna, but the Pirates will continue to Pirate.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.80. Been a while since John Smoltz has broadcast a weekday game, but I saw so many people yesterday complaining that at Target Field someone drones on over the play–*intern whispers in ear* Oh, a drone at the game? That’s weird.

Austin Meadows – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he returned from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m trying to be responsible after having Mexican for lunch, so I’m wearing a mask on my butt.”

Mitch Moreland – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer. Red Sox right now, “Ya think Moreland can pitch?”

Charlie Morton – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.52. He was touching 95 MPH early on, and then down to around 93.5 by mid-innings. He averaged 94 MPH last year, so, honestly, I think he’s fine, and I’m not as worried anymore. If anything, this was like his 5th and final Spring Training start in a normal year. “Did someone say normal year?” That’s 2020 maniacally laughing.

Nick Anderson – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 0.00. MLB managers hate your fantasy teams.

Joey Wendle – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .357. Watch for platoons, but definitely a hot schmotato alert!

Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.80. T. Mahle looked Reds hot. What, I’m just being Frank’s. I actually own this guy in one deeper league, because I’ve always loved him. I’d now say I’d be careful about matchups, and check Streamonator, but the Reds haven’t released a schedule for their pitchers, not even saying who was going today. (Though, likely Castillo.)

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer; that’s in 11 games for those keeping track. The Greek God of Hard Contact is really letting out his frustrations over not being able to have any contact during quarantine. About to start calling him Pandenick.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .103. This Eugenius figured out the season began.

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .179. Well done, you $54 vending machine steak! (For those new, where you been? But also:  Franmil Reyes looks like a cross between Kyle Blanks and a vending machine that dispenses steaks. “Damn, I thought this was the crappy hot chocolate vending machine and now I just got charged $54 for a T-bone.” That’s someone getting a vending machine steak.)

Brad Hand – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save, ERA at 10.80. Indians are committed to Hand; let’s see if it proves they should be committed.

Jeff McNeil – Has a low-grade intercostal strain. That’s usually at least a 15-day IL stint, but looking 15 days in the future this year feels optimistic.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .318. At least one Mets player isn’t missing their favorite woobie named Chili Davis and can still hit. I’m talking to you, Pete Alonso!

Steven Matz – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.65. He can’t pitch in away games. Since he’s a Long Island boy, lucky that he’s even on the Mets so he can get at least half of his games near home. Matz’s parents really shouldn’t have done attachment parenting.

Howie Kendrick – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .300. Way to make the big guys hurt you, Matz. What a giant jerk Matz is. Can you tell I own Matz in nearly every league? He’s the worst! Also, why is Juan Soto being activated but not playing? What is this shizz about?! Okay, now I’m rambling, I am just so mad!

Josh Harrison – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Yes! A Harrison with a slam and legs! Dot dot dot. Too bad it’s not Monte.

Caleb Smith – Hit the IL with Covid, along with 12 other Marlins players. Only other fantasy-relevant player was Sandy Alcantara. So, that’s the good news. The great news is the Marlins now have on their team, Josh A. Smith and Josh D. Smith, to signify a new era, because A and D stand for Anno Domini.

Jorge Guzman – One of the Marlins’ call-ups that I’m cyclops’ing. Repeat: cyclops with a monocle for Guzman. I’m not picking him up anywhere yet, and if someone else grabs him, then oh well, as Apathy says.

Monte Harrison – 0-for-3, 3 Ks, as he hit ninth. Not the greatest lineup position, but I’m still in on Monte, and here’s my Monte Harrison fantasy.

Eddy Alvarez – True story:  He’s 30 years old and a former Olympic speed skater. Look at that, the 2020 Marlins is the Cool Runnings sequel you didn’t even know you were getting.

Jon Berti – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, as he hit 2nd. I told you in December the Marlins would find room for Berti.

Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. A week off can’t cool the schmotato that is Aguilar. Jesus, take the wheel!

Pablo Lopez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks in his 1st start of the year. In one league, I dropped Lopez last week, because, well, the Marlins weren’t filming their Cool Runnings feel-good story yet, but I picked Lopez back up, because I like him a lot, and own him on multiple teams. Doesn’t strike me as a streamer either, but tough matchups are obviously wait-and-see.

Ozzie Albies – 0-for-4 as the Braves scored ten runs. Ticker tease! Albies says he’s playing with a hurt wrist. Burn it all down! “Great idea!” That’s a guy hosting a going-out-of-business sale in a candle store.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st steal, hitting .250. Tildaddy’s alive!

Matt Adams – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, hitting .212. Wanna weep with me? In one NL-Only league, I have Adams on the bench, and I’d be better off with him than Pete Alonso.

Austin Riley – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .138. He Ks too much, huh?

Matt Shoemaker – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.91. This Shoemaker start reminded me of the woman who lived in the shoe trying to feed her children after her husband left her without child support.

Mike Trout – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and I’d say his first homer as a father, but he’s been everyone’s daddy for many years.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. They stopped the game as he rounded 2nd, so he could sit down and watch an episode of Law & Order.

David Fletcher – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .357. Fletcher doing what I expected of him last year, when he disappointed, but was also saddled with Brad Assmunch.

Jo Adell – 1-for-4. His only hit was a weak dribbler to 3rd that he beat out at first. He’s the youngest hitter in the majors. Maybe he can get Juan Soto to buy him beer. I compared him to a young Justin Upton yesterday. Sending him and us mo-Jo!

Ty Buttrey – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save as Maddon said Hansel Robles is out as closer. Mets fans are like, “We could’ve told you that three years ago.” Crazy when you think how awful Robles was his whole career prior to Anaheim that he even had a chance to close. Prolly Buttrey’s job to lose. Did I say lose, I meant close. If you want to speculate deeper, Felix Pena is the most interesting name behind Butt(rey).

Brady Singer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.80 vs. Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.54. This matchup was billed as, “Hendricks/Singer better than watching Carlos Santana doing anything.”

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .233. Also, better than Pete Alonso.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .314. I just had a random thought, whatever happened to Gary Sanchez? Is he playing this year?

Craig Kimbrel – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 32.40. Kimbrel would have an easier time convincing people the decimal in his ERA is misplaced than pitching better.

Kyle Ryan – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Oh, yeah, Kyle Ryan, of course. Maybe David Ross doesn’t want to use the bullpen phone because he wants to prove he’s new school, so he’s just randomly pointing at the bullpen and whoever is around comes in.

Lance Lynn – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.49. Last year around September I started saying how I couldn’t wait to draft Lynn everywhere as an underappreciated vet, and, boy, did I have to wait. But I did, and have been loving it!

Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. So far there’s been one good A’s Matt, and one requiring a hazmat.

Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .276. Hey, what do you know, Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!

Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.31 in his first major league start. His changeup is unfair. Then he can quick pitch a 96 speedball like en bee dee. Man, he’s gorgeous. Love, love, Lovezardo. I do still worry he will be kept on a strict IP limit this year, limiting his fantasy appeal.

German Marquez – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.89. Thanks for reverting to your awesome self the year I don’t own. Mucho appreciado.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. In my attic, I just found the kite Benjamin Franklin used to discover electricity. It must be priceless, so I’m just going to carelessly leave it by this open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Dinelson Lamet – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.72. Dinelson keeping the whacks off.

Dustin May – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Give me all your NL West starters, besides Rockies, and let me love on them.

Yency Almonte – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.35, and his 1st save. I want to believe this is just Jairo Diaz working the day before, but I also know what a shizzshow this year’s bullpens have been.

Madison Bumgarner – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.04. With how his velocity has looked, allow me to start the countdown to his IL stint.

Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.42. We went over Javier in the last podcast. Well, actually Podcaster Ralph went over him for about ten minutes. Streamonator also loves his next start.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .163. Did you hear what was revealed yesterday? Altuve is actually six-two. Geez, this guy.

Carlos Correa – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .389. We knew one guy who could never stay on the field for 162 games was going to excel in a 60-game season. Not sure anyone wanted it to be Correa.

Roberto Osuna – Dusty Baker said Osuna’s elbow ‘doesn’t look real good.’ Hearing Tommy John is on the table. Finally, they reopen restaurants and someone put goddamn Tommy John on the table! I thought this was a Jimmy John’s! What the fu–So, Ryan Pressly is the fill-in, but he’s had his own arm troubles. I’d look at Blake Taylor or Andre Scrubb, if speculating deep.

Ben Gamel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, but that’s going back about five days, so maybe schmotato, hard to say.

Nick Madrigal – Left with an injured shoulder. Welp, that’s better than a wrist injury, which it appeared to be at first. Though, a subluxation isn’t good and he can barely power a ball 125-feet so this might not be good either way.

Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.17 vs. Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.08. I have these guys on more teams than I wanna cop to, and I’m not defunding any of them voluntarily. Puh-leeze.

Eloy Jimenez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. My boy Eloy!

Luis Robert – 2-for-4 and his 4th steal, hitting .364. Reminds me of Acuña in that he’s wonderful, and he seems to have not received the message about no one stealing anymore.

Yadier Molina – Hit the IL after testing positive. Add it to the resume, Yadier has now also caught Covid.

Paul DeJong – Tested positive for Covid. It was Colonel Mustard in the library without a mask touching his face.