Don’t worry, I’m not going to talk about U2. I already go over boring hitters below. Seriously, they are one of the most overrated bands ever. They are like the 80’s and 90’s version of the Eagles. The closest they get to my iPOD is this song. This week we are going in a different direction than before, because I killed the Top 100. After receiving Grey’s blessing (thanks bossman!), here’s what’s going to happen: After going through the evolution of ranking players this season, it became clear to me that it wasn’t working. By June 1st, you know what you have and it’s generally a good point to start making trades to address needs. As the season goes forward, those needs get increasingly particular until you get to this point. After some discussions with Mike, Sky and Big Magoo, I got some good input and a really confusing emoji text conversation with Sky. Still not sure if we cool, but I got my Japanese friend coming over later to translate. This week, I have a Top 50 Hitters and a few sub lists for you to check out. Every week, it’s my plan to mix a few different sub lists in to help cover all bases… pun point!  I have included Steamers, ROS, HR/SB, projections, the ROS player rater, dollar values, and my own HR/SB projections. Don’t worry if you don’t see someone here, they are probably going to appear in another list next week or thereafter. Some people may even appear on multiple lists. You never know? Any questions? Good moving on…

• Domingo Santana, OF (2.4%) – Sunday Santana, or as I have been calling him in my head, the Sunday Donkey. He is the newest addition to the Adam Dunn wannabe’s club who gift us with dongs to fill our fantasy stockings. This week he gets six games opening on Tuesday with three at home followed by three at Cincy. The righty gets four lefties all in hitters parks and was a buy this past Friday by Grey. Platooney Tunes anyone? Below I have him down for 6 dongs ROS, and if things go well this week, that could end up being 9 dongs. Oh those cray-cray rooks, who knows?
• Jake Lamb, 3B (5.3%) – This is a Monday/Tuesday/Thursday play as the D-Backs go to Colorado and the lefty Lamb gets three right handers. On the year, he’s batted .368 against Colorado and really, what else do you need? You hurting at CI? Then skewer this Lamb in your lineup with extra white garlic sauce. Mmmmhhhhhh garlic sauce.
• Chris Owings, 2B, SS (3.3%) – Like the Lamb, this kid gets to go to Coors Canaveral where the Coors Correction makes everyone Bichetter. He’s an infidel and unless you are just a total badass, then I think you can find a way to slide this batty caller into the MI slot. He’s hit righties better than lefties this year, so facing three is kinda sneeky tasty. Damn, I can’t stop thinking about Zankou white garlic sauce. FMFAC. Try to guess that one.
• Kelby Tomlinson, 2B/SS (1.7%) – Sticking to the Colorado theme, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t mention this little gem here. But first, what’s with the name Kelby? Modern unisex names confuse me, why can’t they go old school like Pat or Sam? He’s been doing his best fantasy Joe Panik impersonation as he fills in for him in reality. For reals though, he has upside speed and very little power. Then why suggest him in Colorado? Well diligent reader, Colorado can make anyone show power we never knew they had and when he finishes the year with 3 dongs, we’ll know where he got one of them. (He hit one the other day in large, oddly shaped and poorly designed Coke bottle park).
• Ben Paulsen, 1B, OF (13.9%) – Like Castellanos last week, this one is captain obvious call. Seriously, I have very little to say here. When he is at home, own him, and when he is on the road, IDGAF what you do with him. He gets six righties in 5 days and they have a double header Tuesday. So if we follow the bouncing ball it says OWN IN CO-LO-RA-DO!!!
• Lonnie Chisenhall, 3B,OF (3.9%) –  LC has been heating up and looks like he’s on the verge for some schmotatoing. This week he travels to the Rocket Center where ordinary men can become extraordinary men. He likes right handers and gets three of them from Tuesday to Thursday. If you like to gamble like SteveNZ, who snagged him in the FCL, then I suggest rolling the dice on Chisenhall. Before I continue with my drivel and since we’re on the subject of Toronto, did anyone catch the the hat trick by EE? Only in Canada. Grey, that’s a hoc-key term, it’s the sport they play in Paul Newman classic Slap Shot.

THE TOP 50 HITTERS

JUST MISSED OUTFIELDERS

These are all must own outfielders. Most are on the toolzee side. 

MIDDLE INFIDELS HAVE FEELINGS TOO

No one gets too excited about infidels but they are a necessary evil….like bras and insurance.

POWER PLAYAZZZZZ

They do dongs and not much more, what else do you want? Candy and Flowers

SPEED KILLS

Bloodstains, speed kills
Fast cars, cheap thrills
Rich girls, fine wine
I’ve lost my sense, I’ve lost control, I’ve lost my mind

DONT FALL ASLEEP READING THIS LIST

The title says it all. I dozed off three times trying to write this

I would like to thank all of you that came into the top 100 this year, whether here to praise, debate, troll, criticize, point out snafu’s, or just to chat about anything and everything. Thank You! Next week I’ll be doing a platooners guide to the fantasy galaxy and maybe a few other fun lists. If there is anything you would like to see (besides less of me) then please comment away.