Let’s start on Jose Berrios with what Prospect Mike said, “Berrios has a great starter’s arsenal with a plus fastball (sits mid-90s) and a plus curveball coupled with an above average slider and changeup. The ceiling is a #3 starter with good ratios and decent strikeout totals. Most reports rave about his maturity and ability to make adjustments, which could give him a better shot at making it in a big league rotation. Imagine a scale of good and evil with Maikel Franco on the good side and that Albright fella on the evil side, Berrios is more on the Franco side.” Why am I a part of this example? If I could quickly evaluate the Twins current crop of starters that are prospblocking Berrios: Garbage, More Garbage, Utter Garbage, Shirley Manson in Garbage, Magic Garbage. (Magic Garbage is Utah garbage where you find soiled magic underpants.) I haven’t even started talking about how Berrios was bred in a lab in Knott’s Berry Farm by founder of the boysenberry, Rudolph Boysen, whose grandchild killed his parents and is currently behind bars (true story; yes, you’re dropping the ball, Dateline, by not featuring this). The only thing that’s been stopping me from adding Berrios in every league is I have no idea when he’ll be called up. I would add him now to see if he’s called up when rosters expand on September 1st, then drop him soon after in redraft leagues if he’s not called up. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Montero – Cousin Squatpants has been hitting home run after home run after home run after– You getting the drift yet?
Mark Canha – Paul Prudhomme says Mark’s hotter than Canha pepper!
Hector Olivera – I’m assuming he will be called up at some point soon. By the by, I know he hasn’t hit well in the minors since returning from injury. It shouldn’t matter. He’s a Latin 30, and there’s speculation that he might even be way older than that. His minor league stint should be like that of a veteran player who just needs a game or three to get up to speed. He should not be spending a whole season in the minors. Yes, I did not use a contraction there to really drive home my point. “Forget the hammer, just do not form contractions. Those nails will drive themselves into the wall.” And that’s how I won Most Forceful Hardware Store Employee of the Month.
Michael Cuddyer – He’s really turned it on lately…*snooze, shoots up in my chair, looks around, sees Cuddyer’s name, falls back asleep*
Travis Shaw – If you don’t like Shaw, you’re unAmerican and Donald Trump will build a wall around you.
Matt Adams – He’s due back around September 1st. His ass will be arriving a few days later.
Chris Coghlan – A tale of two Buys. When Soler went down earlier this week, I figured Coghlan would play every day and hit, so I was like, “Yo, Handsomesauce, Coghlan’s gonna be your lead buy on Friday.” As of today, I’m feeling less hospitable towards Coghlan.
Wilmer Flores – He has 14 homers and is hitting over-.260. That’s ownable on its own for a middle infidel. Now consider the Mets have jerked his chain, benching him, trying to trade him and pulling him late in games, and he still has numbers that are ownable. Yeah, Flores would’ve had a very solid season if they played him every day in the top third of the order. (And I understand he’s a LUZR on defense; I’m talking fantasy.)
Yangervis Solarte – The last two weeks have gone like this with Solarte, “I’ll pick him up for Coors…And he does nothing, so I’ll drop him. He starts hitting as soon as I drop him, so I’ll pick him up again…And now he’s doing nothing again.” Notice a pattern. Me! I’m the pattern!
Javier Baez – I’m guessing he’ll be called up any day now, Annie Potts, but I wouldn’t bet on him starting every day. He could though. Damn, I’m one badass landscape architect with these hedges.
Corey Seager – I kinda give up on seeing him promoted. And I kinda don’t! And I kinda do! So conflicted.
Stephen Piscotty – What does he have to do for you to add him? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Nick Castellanos – I’m told by J-FoH (repeatedly) that Castellanos was a Creeper for this week. Ask him about it, he’ll happily discuss his methods.
Francisco Lindor – In the last 30 days, he’s been about as valuable as McCutchen, Encarnacion, Bautista, Sano and Rizzo, i.e., you better be trapped under a stack of phonebooks if you haven’t picked him up.
Ketel Marte – Just think, if you grab him and he keeps hitting, you can run around screaming, “I’m drunk on Ketel!” And have it mean multiple things.
Trea Turner – His use so far is what I fear will happen to Seager when he’s called up this year. In other words, of no use in redraft leagues.
Khris Davis – Some fantasy baseball math. Karabell owns 30,000 leagues to fill up his virtual trophy case, there’s 90,000 ESPN leagues total, Karabell doesn’t own Khris Davis; Davis is only owned in 30% of leagues. Frank Voila!
Byron Buxton – I’m told that he has speed. Told. I’d sure like to see some of it.
Domingo Santana – I love, love, lurve Domingo. I think he might be more of a deep league play or a platoon guy for this year, but I would give him a whirl.
Michael Taylor – When Denard returned from injury, Taylor was relegated to the bench. Shows you where Matt Williams’s head is at. Yes, on his shoulders or in his ass are also acceptable answers. Now, Span is about to have season-ending surgery, and Taylor is about to go H.A.M.! Dot dot dot, once Taylor’s knee heals, he’s currently day-to-day.
Marcell Ozuna – OZUNA wants to be on your team. OZUNA doesn’t care if you have room. OZUNA insists you kick out your mother-in-law and make room.
Jason Bourgeois – SAGNOF! Which feels like a very anti-bourgeoisie concept.
Nathan Eovaldi – The Stream-o-Nator hates Eovaldi, just about for every start, but I’d start him in his next game.
Aaron Nola – Here is a start where I agree with the SON like I agree that no one should ever get a sun nipple shield.
J.A. Happ – It’s all streamers, all day, over-the-internet friend.
Tom Wilhelmsen – Lloyd Christmas McClendon doesn’t even know who his closer is. Sure, he’s hinted that it will be Wilhelmsen, and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be. Lloyd Christmas also tried to get Rodney to close games until the Mariners finally had enough and released Rodney so Christmas would stop shoving that old peg into a new hole. Remember, Christmas doesn’t dumb only once a year.
Sean Doolittle – So far, he’s been very aptly named. I’d also look at Pomeranz, that cute little lap dog.
Junichi Tazawa – First, Junichi is short for Junichiban Lipstick for Men. Second, Machi could see some saves. Third, there’s no third.
Kevin Jepsen – Perkins has had about as many setbacks as merkins in becoming accepted in modern culture.
Joc Pederson – Now is he not only batting eighth, but in a few of the past week’s games, he hasn’t been batting anything because he’s been benched for Kike. Hey, I get it, it’s LA, you have to pay the Jews their respects, but when you’re being benched for Kike, you really need to look elsewhere.
Russell Martin – He’s a total pimp, for sure. I mean, his full name is Russell Nathan Coltrane Jeanson Martin, Jr. All that’s missing from that name is an ellipsis. But Martin has stopped hitting and playing.
Adam Lind – I know, sad face with a tissue that is soaked in onion juice so it burns my eyes. Alas, Lind has two homers and a .241 average in the 2nd half.
Brandon Moss – I went to our last 30 days Player Rater and clicked twice on the dollar amount to find the least valuable guy in the last month that is over 70% owned, and apparently a rolling Brandon does gather Moss.
Hanley Ramirez – Okay, I’m not saying drop him in every league. Go to your waivers and if the best guy available is Kelby Tomlinson, then, no, obviously you don’t drop Hanley. If Lindor is available? Oh, then yeah, I’m considering moving on from this schmohawk for the last month. It’s not so much that Hanley doesn’t seem like he wants to play, but it’s that he doesn’t play when he does play, so Hanley may not play dat, but Homey don’t either. Seriously, I’ve had it about up to here with this guy. I’m standing on a ladder, carving a hole in my ceiling. Once the hole is complete, I’m grabbing onto a rope hanging from a passing hot air balloon. When I’m about 10,000 feet in the sky, I’m standing on my tippytoes and holding my hand above my head. That’s how high I’ve had it up to with Hanley.