Deejay, “Hey, welcome back to Bleday! We are your nonstop rap, hip-hop, trip-hop, bounce, cloud rap, road rap, Christmas rap, Hanukkah rap, Jerkin’, freestyle, trap, but no Jazz rap, he’s out with a stress fracture in his back. Now, let’s boogie for the 2nd half of the season!” Wait, that was me at the end. Was it clearly not me prior to that? Yes? Okay, great. So, JJ Bleday (2-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal) was called up by the Marlins. Fun fact! Bleday is the rap station in Los Angeles. A less fun fact is Bleday was hitting .228 in Triple-A. He hits everything in the air, which isn’t bad for a power hitter, but it will mean not a lot on average, and, while he stole on Sunday, he doesn’t have a lot of speed either. Think a young Rhys Hoskins. Call him Mees Hoskids, because the JJ stands for Jar Jar. Bleday should see playing time, along with Bryan De La Cruz (2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer), because Jorge Soler hit the IL, i.e., Bryan De La Soler is plug one. Bleday, plug two. De La Soler, plug one. Bleday, plug two. Anyway. here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jazz Chisholm – Transferred to the 60-day IL with a stress fracture in his back. No real update here, except the Marlins wanted to remind us how unfortunate we were, so passing along that sadness. If this is Jazz, I get why all the guys who play it do smack.

Max Meyer – Hit the IL with an elbow sprain. Hello, dankness…dankness…dank–Ugh, forget it! I can’t even sing a freakin’ dirge!

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.81. Only six innings? Haha, what a bum!

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .208. If Oneil ever makes contact regularly, he’s going to be a problem for pitchers.

Rafael Devers – Hit the IL with hamstring inflammation. “Can one loss make a team a seller? We’re on the ground with our team of scientists measuring the dog in the Red Sox after they gave up 64 runs to the Jays on Friday.” My worry is Devers would’ve been fine if the Red Sox were still in it, but suddenly they seem to be selling and that could mean Devers will not be rushed back.

Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. I like Kutter, and, if the Red Sox are sellers, he could stay in the rotation, but he’s more of a Streamonator call, and prolly for 15 team mixed leagues or deeper.

Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. More like Jackie Bradley Hr.

Raimel Tapia – 3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs, and a huge weekend. Might be a little bit of Fenway helping, and the Red Sox pitching not hurting, but Tapia looks like a full-blown hot schmotato.

Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.77 vs. Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.86. This was a matchup of two guys who appeared in my top 100 for the 2nd half of 2022 fantasy baseball. Wait, am I actually linking to a post as old as six days and saying it’s still relevant? That’s wild!

Robbie Ray – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.90. Liked Robbie Ray better when I’d say he was a whole lotta ass, and I was talking primarily about his pants. His fastball was averaging 93.2 MPH, which is about where he’s been this year, but down from last year, and, well, I don’t know. He looked awful, no way around that, and gets the Astros in Houston next time out, and I think I’m benching him, which means he’s going to bounce back. I hope.

Jesse Winker – In the matter of five innings yesterday, Winker hurt himself twice, so not sure which one was the reason he left the game but I’m sure Winker will get back out there in the next two to three weeks, play for five games, then get hurt again. Replacing him was Abraham Toro (1-for-1, 2 runs, 2 RBIs), who hit his 8th homer. Toro make me horn-y! Please make note of the hyphen.

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer. Fun fact! J.P. Crawford is not Jeremy Pena Crawford.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. I cannot wait to draft Altuve next year for the first time in seven years, and have him finally disappoint.

Michael Perez – Traded to the Mets for cash. The cash was said to be a figure less than a dollar and more than thirty cents.

Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-3, 1 run as he got his first start on his new team. Solid platoon bat for the Mets, and their owner, Steve Cohen, has the money to charter a separate plane for him.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer. Albombso!

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.75. A guy who won the Cy Young as dominantly as he did will always get a cyclops with a monocle for me if he throws a decent game, but his opponent, Chris Bassitt, pitched a better game (7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.72), so I’m not running out to grab Snell anywhere just yet in shallower leagues.

Joe Musgrove – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Uh-oh, 2nd half Musgrove.

Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Kinda surprised to see his ERA even that low, because I thought this was his 1st decent start all year. Streamonator — Stromanator? — doesn’t like his next start, and I agree.

Justin Turner – Sounds headed to the IL. The Dodgers are already in “Let’s rest everyone for our one-and-done playoff series” mode. Look for Jay Clam to get more playing time if Turner’s out.

Evan Longoria – Headed to the IL with a strained hamstring. What a weird thing to find in your colander!

Ezequiel Duran – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was promoted back to the majors. He was an early Dur’ling of mine when he was first promoted, and I still like him, if he’s getting playing time. Has some speed, power and average might not kill you.

Adolis Garcia – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (17) and legs (14), and 2nd homer since the break. He was included in Friday’s Buy, as a 2nd half buy guy. The Buy guy! Giolito was too, and his 1st post-break start wasn’t great, but trying to maintain some faith.

Leody Taveras – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th steal, hitting, like, .800 in the last few weeks. Dude’s been hotter than a junebug in July.

Paul Blackburn – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 4.35. Thanks for making me feel better about Robbie Ray. His owners can’t sit down as they have been Blackburn’d.

Corbin Martin – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.93, as he was recalled. Corbin Martin graduates! Corbin Martin graduates! Corbin Martin graduates! (To streamer.)

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.43. Now? After I drop him?! I crotch grab in the general direction of his crotch grab! *reverse lights to waivers* Fine, I will pick Lynn back up because his next start is vs the A’s, but if that turns out poorly, so help me God.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.03. Wasn’t a great start by him, but, on the other hand, it was maybe an even better start for him because he had to pitch without his best stuff, and it still worked.

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. “So, you’re saying after the All-Star Break it’s Opening Day?” Hypnotist hired by the White Sox, “That’s right.” Eloy, “Then why is it called the All-Star Break?” Hypnotist, “Never mind that. Also, I need you to not pull your hamstring while running around the bases on a homer.”

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.55. If you managed to start any pitchers this weekend, and avoided blow outs, then great work wasting one of your genie wishes on that rather than, “Becoming a millionaire.” *intern whispers in ear* Oh, I’m being told, it costs a million dollars to fill-up your gas tank and everyone is a millionaire now.

Franmil Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Well done, $54 Vending Machine Steak, and that’s not cooking instructions.

Steven Kwan – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Guy who was in a coma since the first week of the season, slowly opens his eyes, then, “Wow, Steven Kwan is still hot?! This guy is the best draft pick ever! How’s Seiya Suzuki doing? Just as good? Still banging dongs?! Hey, why’s everyone tiptoeing out of the room?”

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09. He’s had 20 starts this year, and only six of them have been fantastic, but nine of the other fourteen have been like Saturday’s — gutsy, digging-deep performance. Not necessarily a Quality Start, but solid enough. Three starts to start the year that were derailed by Billy Crystal and only two starts since that have been a bit dubya tee eff.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. Gonna check Guinness Book of World Records, but I think Judge has to be close to the record for the longest stretch of being unconscious.

Jose Trevino – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .264. That’s a double and three singles, which is a whole season’s worth of hits for Yasmani Grandal.

Nestor Cortes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Thinking about a parallel universe where I accidentally bumped my head, missed the 4th and 5th round of drafts, didn’t get Robbie Ray and Chris Sale, then had to draft Cortes and Gonsolin around 250th overall.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Kris Bryant – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Better yet, he’s still actually playing! It’s like watching a miracle unfold!

Joe Ryan – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Pretty fantastic season for Joe Ryan, all things considered. This was brought you by Amazon Prime’s Joe Ryan: All Things Considered, streaming now!

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.52. There’s a few teams I would start everyone against, and the Tigers and the A’s are those teams.

Austin Meadows – Has yet to resume running. His LinkedIn page this year is severe lacking.

Eduardo Rodriguez – All recent updates about Ed-Rod make him sound like an alien on NASA’s softball team. “The team has made contact with Eduardo, and he’s doing well.” *a crowd cheers* Supposedly, Ed-Rod has started a throwing program and might return to the Tigers in August. Outside of AL-Only, it’s likely irrelevant.

Michael Pineda – Hit the IL with triceps tightness. A tight Pineda sounds like easy candy, baby!

Yan Gomes – 2-for-4 and his 4th and 5th homer. Yan can homer and so can you! (Not really.)

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.93. He feels like someone who will be traded in the next week, and then have a 7+ ERA on his new team.

Jeffrey Springs – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.50, as he was activated from the IL. Two part question: Does anyone pull the pitcher in the 5th inning more than Kevin Cash and why even ask this question when it’s so obvious?

Brady Singer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.82. *sits up in chair, leans in to hear more* Go on. Long overdue to take a deeper look at Singer — 9.4 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 3.30 xFIP, if those numbers sound great to you, you’re not wrong. They are great. If he qualified, he’s be 15th in the league for K-BB%, and same as Joe Musgrove. That’s pretty much all you need to know. That’s worth owning in every league. Unfortch, his next start on the Streamonator is awful, and I agree (it’s at Yanks).

Mike Trout – Received a cortisone shot, and won’t return when eligible today. Average human is 60% water; Trout’s 40% water, and 20% cortisone.

Taylor Ward – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and left the game with a cramp. This also proves Ward didn’t retire after his big week in April.

Jonathan Villar – Designated for assignment. I’d say I’m not sure why the Angels ever signed him if they were going to release him after two weeks, but I’m not sure you can have two generational talents on your team, and do as bad as the Angels have done, while knowing what you’re doing.

Adam Duvall – Will undergo season-ending surgery on his wrist. Gotta let out “a dam.”

Ian Anderson – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.31. There was nowhere to hide this weekend from offense. Did MLB decide to juice the balls right after the break? Yes, and here’s 13 Reasons Why that Netflix show sucks.

Steven Matz – Returned after a month on Saturday, but left with a torn MCL, ending his season. The Italian curse word is ugatz; the fantasy baseball curse word is “You got Matz.” *motions wildly with hands* “I got ugatz from my fantasy pitcher spot!” “Oh, yeah? You got Matz!”

Miles Mikolas – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.87. The Regression Fairies painted a rainbow on my face while I was sleeping and defecated on my fantasy teams’ pitchers this whole weekend.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer. Deux Shizz!

Tyler Stephenson – Hit the IL with a broken right clavicle. This bums me out more than a sociology student pretending to be homeless for their thesis. In his place will be some combo of Papierski/Kolozsvary, which sounds like a checkpoint in Poland where they motion towards the toilet when you ask for the duty-free area.

Joey Votto – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. If he were dropped, because he absolutely sucked up the suck-hole for the last few months, then I could see a schmotato to grab.

Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.48 as he was activated from the IL. Hmm…Tyler Stephenson gets hurt just as Tyler Mahle returns. Might need Tyler the Creator to make another one.