Please see our player page for Tyler Stephenson to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

…And then I say, “Shane!”
Shane Shane bo bane, bo-na-na no faux number one! Shane!
And then I say the name McClanahan!
McClahananananana bo-ana! McClahananananana no faux number one! McClanahan!

The superlatives will be lacking when it comes to Shane McClanahan (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.87, yeah, and you don’t stop). On the Player Rater, he’s the best starter. On the Rest of the Season Player Rater — that’s right, we have a Player Rater that knows the future, Shane’s number three. Even the stats thinks McClanahananananan will be at worst the third best starter the rest of the year. I wrote a sleeper post about him coming into this year. I love, love, lurve him. Yet, I didn’t even think he would be this good, this fast, but me mi mo whoa he’s been good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

To try to appeal more to teenage boys, the Rangers should install a giant lotion bottle in center field, and each time Marcus Semien homers, it explodes with lotion onto the fans in the bleachers. Yesterday, there would be a lot of facials from Semien, as he went 7-for-8, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a triple slam (4, 5, 6) and double legs (9, 10). Halleberrylujah. That might actually be the single greatest day ever. Could Semien be coming out of his early-season funk like Jason Biggs once came out of a tube sock? Okay, those other words were likely avoidable. Is Semien about to explode? Again, avoidable! Is Semien about to explode in a good way in all his glory, whole and pulsating. Okay, more very avoidable words! Here’s what I thought on our Youtube channel. Click that and click subscribe so I can feed my children (Ted, a dog).

Before you say, this rooster, Grey, is caca-cuckoo crazy. Entering yesterday’s games, he had an expected batting average of .201, and one of the worst exit velocities in the major. Everything across the board on his page is saying he really was this bad. Not unlucky. Could he turn it all around? Does Marcus Semien sound like a bath towel that you tell your mom you got paste on? Yes and yes! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Do you remember that one kid in elementary school who always seemed to win every raffle, cake walk or prize when it was nothing more than dumb luck?  Well, welcome to Major League Baseball where that same kid is reimagined as Chris Davis and instead of winning the cake walk, he wins a ridiculous $161M contract.  Both of these guys stink if you are not them and the second one sinks your fantasy season as well.  This week our hitter profiles dig into a few luck metrics to warn or yearn for the rest of the season.  Do not worry, I won’t mention Chris Davis again.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Luis Garcia went 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Officially, Luis Garcia #1 is outpacing Luis Garcia #2 and Luis Garcia #3 by a lot. Step up your game, Luis Garcias! If I had a couple billion dollars, I’d buy a MLB team and fill the whole team with Luis Garcias. A Luis Garcia at each position. “Luis winds up and–a hot smash to third! Luis Garcia snags it, and goes to Luis Garcia at 2nd and onto Luis Garcia at first. Double play complete!” Name that team the Garcias and get LG to sponsor us. Prolly shouldn’t be putting this out there because Elon Musk is going to steal this idea.

“No more Tesla for you, Mr. Musk?”
“Sadly, this is my last day. On the bright side, I’ve got an idea to start a Luis Garcia-filled baseball team.”

Sigh, until I have that money in hand, I’m gonna have to look at Luis Garcia for fantasy baseball. This Luis Garcia’s peripherals are 9.9 K/9,2.4 BB/9, 3.55 xFIP, and his fastball velocity is up. Last time I looked at him, his stats weren’t as good, but they’ve clearly bounced back recently. His career ERA is 3.44 in 196 1/3 IP with a 9.4 K/9. Only time that’s putting me to sleep is during his rock-a-bye pitching windup. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Secretly, what no one could know, before yesterday’s game in Milwaukee, Christian Yelich hired a hitman. Did he want something done to a person? Heavens no! His fine eh eff mother raised that boy well! No, what Yelich wanted done he whispered into the ear of the hitman he hired off of Craigslist. Thanks to scouts Razzball hired, we know what was said, and by ‘scouts,’ I mean eavesdroppers. Yelich whispered, “Take this baseball bat that does me no good, and beat the shi*t out of the humidor until it no longer functions.” Yelich said the only way they’d know definitively that the humidor is busted is if Keston Hiura (1-for-4, 2nd homer) could hit it out. Job well done, Humidor Hitman! Yelich also benefited from his own mafia ties (3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3). The humidor hit was especially nice for me since two benefactors were two of my sleepers, Luis Urias (1-for-4, and his 1st homer, hitting leadoff), and the big star of the game, Willy Adames (2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 7th and 8th homer, as he hits third. That sleeper of mine makes up for my Jarred Kelenic sleeper post! *dodges tomato* It doesn’t make up for it? *dodges another tomato* Okay! Geez! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Shohei Ohtani went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.40, and 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and is that one of the best single game performances of all-time? Yes. So commonplace from Ohtani that it’s become expected? Also, yes. He’s just so good always, that it’s kinda like a pimp’s favorite phrase, ho-hum. What more can you say? I can’t do a lede for Ohtani after every one of his extraordinary performances, because they’re going to happen once a week. Is he one of the greatest players ever? Yes. What’s truly remarkable and shows you how incredible he is: He’s on a team with a top 20 hitter of all-time and he’s made people forget about Mike Trout. Making Mike Trout obsolete on Mike Trout’s team? That is truly extraOhtaniary. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Max Fried went into the House That Sandy Koufax Built, during Passover, and hid the Afikoman from the Dodgers for 7 innings. For you gentiles who don’t know what an Afikoman is, imagine I was accidentally misspelling the rapper Afroman’s name and you were playing hide and seek with him. That’s an Afikoman. *stares at the ceiling* Damn, I thought balloons would fall if I made the first mention ever of a Afikoman on a fantasy sports site. No luck there, I guess the Hebrews didn’t pay for the balloons! Rarely do I make two straight ledes from the same series. From Freeman to Fried, man. From a guy who looks like he has teeth made of wax to Max. From a guy who abandoned his Atlanta roots to a guy who hears often, “Why don’t you call more?” Max Fried went 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.50. I suppose it’s harder to hit an unleavened ball. Nice to see Fried bounce back from his last two meh outings, but this is why I keep telling you to be patient. We really have no idea about anyone yet. Even Max Fried was able to go from meh to mensch. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The left side of the mouth:

“Due to a pitch count of 80, Clayton Kershaw would not get a perfect game, but he would become the perfect symbol of his generation. Babied to the point where pitchers can no longer throw, they ‘pitch’ — whatever that means! When did we, as a society, get to the point where a pitcher can’t throw the ball? A participation perfect game, that’s what Clayton Kershaw got yesterday.”

The right side of the mouth:

“Clayton Kershaw has been battling injuries for years. His last year was cut short, due to injuries. He couldn’t pitch much in the preseason, because of the lockout and this was his first start of the year. Who cares about a perfect game? This is about keeping Clayton Kershaw healthy for as many innings as possible.”

The left side of the mouth:

“You’re a sissy.”

The right side of the mouth:

“What are you talking about? We’re just different sides of the same mouth!”

So, Clayton Kershaw (7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 13 Ks) threw seven perfect innings, and nothing about him has changed since my preseason thoughts on him. He could be fantastic, but not even for a 9-inning game, let alone a full season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?