Guardians Call Joe Ryan Their Home Run Derby Daddy

“I love the smell of napalm in the morning” is a famous quote by Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now after he started Joe Ryan (4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.38) in his fantasy league. Yeah, Robert Duvall was just sitting there on the river, scrolling on his iPhone and checking his fantasy team. Is how I remember it, at least. Then Duvall chucked his phone into the air and shot it to smithereens. Then he said, “I don’t care if Joe Ryan just allowed six homers in four or fewer innings, which is something that’s only been done six times in history, the last time being by Michael Blazek, a guy I don’t even remember. Stop reading me that crap off the newswire!” So, getting the festivities started was–honestly, I don’t know, let’s just go through them! Rhys Hoskins (2-for-5) hit his 10th and 11th homers and has four homers in his last seven games, but he’s also hitting .182, so hot schmotato, if you like, but also meh. Then Petey Halpin (3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 1st and 2nd homer, which is comical because he goes by Petey, B) He has roughly five-homer power and might hit .190, C) There’s no C. Next up! Brayan Rocchio (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in five games, and was the guy I picked up to replace the injured Otto Lopez, because Rocchio’s actually just been good all year. Moving on! Travis Bazzana (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 9th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and is a rookie on a 20/30 pace in 162 games. More like Travis Bazinga! Finally, Patrick Bailey (4-for-5, 2 run, 2 RBIs, 4th homer) had a huge game. Ya know the biggest clue it was the Guardians’ night? “Patrick Bailey had a huge game.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Byron Buxton – 2-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I won’t apologize for saying ‘Negative, Ghost Rider’ instead of no. It’s a cool saying.”

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. Jokes of 50/50 aside (were there jokes?), if Jazz gets to a 25-30 homer/40 steal/.240 season, I won’t hate it. Unlike this next guy…

Ryan Weathers – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.40. Dude is more toasted than my Strudels. Put him on the IL already; he’s so done and dusted!

Braxton Ashcraft – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.95. Think he was a good guy to bench this week, and his underlying numbers still look excellent. I know, Little Dipper, i.e., small consolation. I’d say buy, but he might be hitting a wall.

Esmerlyn Valdez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and that’s in 32 games. “This is yours.” — That’s Aristides Aquino handing Esmerlyn a sword that is engraved, GGOATOAT.

Adley Rutschman – Hit the IL with wrist inflammation. When a prospect is highly touted and ends up being “just okay?” You got the Ruts, man.

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Could he be a post-post-post-[says post for the next 90 minutes]-post hype sleeper? No, prolly not.

Shane Baz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. He gave up some unearned runs yesterday, but he’s allowed three or fewer earned runs dating back to May 10th, except for one start. That’s 2.70 ERA in 73 1/3 IP. It’s a bit cherrypicky, but it’s not nothing.

Payton Tolle – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.31. I’m not sure it’s safe to start any pitcher until September.

Caleb Durbin – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Every night it’s a different guy for the Red Sox. Well, except for Tsung-Che Cheng, I’m not sure it’s been him.

Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 2.59. So, the entire league is pitching with bouncy balls, except Nick-Ma?

Victor Mesa Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .199. Mullins’s entire year has been, “How much are you willing to punt batting average?”

Luis Robert Jr. – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. Mets said he’s 1000% healthy and they won’t give him away in a trade for just anything, then they cocked their head and winked.

Freddy Peralta – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.01. This is how you pitch when you got a good deal on a rent-control apartment in New York.

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hasn’t translated at all to power, but Vaughn’s actually hitting the ball well this year. Great, just what the Brewers need, another weapon.

Cooper Pratt – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (7). Stop with the weapons!

Jacob Misiorowski – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.57. This start was the Brewers saying they would build him back up after his layoff of 13 days. Wild to say this about a guy who is arguably the best pitcher in baseball right now, but he doesn’t seem to be at 100%. Not at 50%, don’t get me wrong, but maybe 85-95%. Let’s say The IO Update is 88% charged.

Joey Ortiz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Saw he was near the top of the 7-day Player Rater, so I put him in my lineup yesterday. Not one of my better teams! Still early!

Heliot Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Any time he’s mentioned in the comments, it’s to drop him. Not by me. I like him.

Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 3rd homer in four games. Doode’s gonna have one of the least attractive 30-homer seasons. Silly Adames, normal hits are for kids!

Salvador Perez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. This isn’t backed up by facts but vibes: Sal just had his 61st birthday this year.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.66. If you start him, he will give up 6 ER. Don’t ask how I know, I just do.

Ronel Blanco – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he was activated from the IL. Astros are desperate for pitching. Hayden Wesneski is starting on Friday. I’m merely pointing out to you that to say, “Are you as desperate as the Astros?” Because you’re asking about picking up Ronel and I am concerned for you. He had an internal brace procedure last June. The 32-year-old has a career 4.36 xFIP and a 9 K/9, 3.9 BB/9. Yeah, a bit risky.

Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-4, and his 32nd and 33rd homer. Captain Woo Cubano going for the Triple Crown makes me so proud, even if I roster him nowhere. My baby’s a man! My 275-pound baby!

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, a grand slam. Snuck him into the end of the top 100 for the 2nd half because I love me some Pena. To a Spanish-speaker, that sounds a lot different.

Max Meyer – Hit the IL with a made-up injury to throttle his innings. He’ll be out for anywhere from ten days to two months, and he says, “I feel good,” and the Marlins said, “No, you don’t. Shut up.”

Liam Hicks – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Next year, Hicks is gonna have two homers through August and I’m gonna say, “Ball sure was bouncy last year!” and this Magic Eight Ball I’m reading this off of is crazy accurate.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .163. The biggest ass is actually that batting average.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.57 vs. Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.89. This matchup was billed as, “Abbott and Kirb-stellar.”

Corey Seager – Ran at 70-80% intensity. I would’ve ran at 69% intensity, but I guess I’m built different.

Jacob deGrom – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.76 as he returned from. Dot dot dot. I don’t know, to be honest. Something. He’s always returning from something. He’s prolly headed back there, too.

Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Too bad he can’t get position eligibility, because him at 1B or OF is a lot more interesting. Can’t Burger get locked in an elevator with Rowdy Tellez?

Jake Burger – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .239. Jake, buddy, pal, just go into that elevator right over there with Rowdy Tellez. C’mon, chum!

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Doesn’t it feel like teams are in weekly leagues? They’re always activating guys on Monday.

Casey Mize – “Undergoing tests on his groin tightness after being hit by a comebacker on his wrist on Sunday” was the latest news on Mize and that has me asking all kinds of questions. Where was his wrist? Was he making the jerking off motion? Is he just using an injury as an excuse to have his tight groin checked?

Dillon Dingler – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer. He’s hitting 5th, below Gleyber (2nd) and Colt Keith (3rd). Just say you’re forfeiting the game, Hinch! Save us all some time!

Riley Greene – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in two games. He was BDon’s top sell of the 2nd half, eff why eye.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Seiya ball!

Michael Busch – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and 3rd homer in July. Hmm, that last one was less impressive. He is hitting over .315 in July. That’s something!

Ian Happ – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .218. Shizz Happ’s, and it’s Happ’d this year, unfortunately. His average has completely bottomed out.

Jameson Taillon – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.38. as he was activated from the IL. In most mixed leagues, he’s a Streamonator call. Unless you need at least one Taillon in your league and Pasketti, Cags and Antonacci are taken.

Joshua Kuroda-Grauer – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. He left the game with jockular sphincteritis, after taking a foul tip into his grapes.

Jacob Wilson – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .292. Love that the A’s built their team with excellent contact hitters. Yes, I’m being sincere. Why is it so hard to hear it?

Andres Chaparro – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and three homers in three games. After shoving him into the three-hole against all lefties, it’s time to shut off the Talking Heads, because it’s finally making sense.

Jacob Young – 3-for-4 and his 9th homer. Nats are a good lineup anywhere. Don’t be juicing them with a series in Colorado. Speaking of juice, Corange Juice Abrams (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 22nd homer.

Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Sonavabench! Glad to see him right-side the Ivictory Cruise ship, but I can’t say one start against a mediocre Padres’ offense has me completely sold he’s fixed.

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. With the defeat of Altuve, Ozzie has to carry the Short King torch for all of us (me, Altuve and him).

Michael Harris II – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer. It’s legit bizzonkers that Megahertz can’t sneak into the lineup above the five-hole. I know Riley’s been hot, but c’mon.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .201! Actually even more heartened by the multiple hits. Let’s go!

Miguel Andujar – Diagnosed with a fractured wrist. Went to look at the Padres’ depth chart to see who could replace him and maybe it wasn’t a great idea for their GM to trade away their future the last ten years.

Trea Turner – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, 3rd and 4th homer in four games. He clearly read my Sell on him two weeks ago. Well, who’s the real winner, him or the guy getting $0.0000000000001 in ad revenue for his pageview?

Brandon Marsh – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. He was hitting .157 with only one homer in July, so welcome back, you hairy freak!

Cristopher Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.71. “On June 1st, 2026, Cris Sanchez placed a rather sizable bet on Misiorowski to win the NL Cy.” Future breaking news!

Emmet Sheehan – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.13. Bigger disappointment, Sheehan or your hairline?

Mookie Betts – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Mookie Best!

Edwin Diaz – Could be activated later in the week vs. the Mets. Ha, just to pour salt on the wounds.

Seth Halvorsen – Traded to the Dodgers for Landyn Vidourek and Nick Frasso. Dodgers woke up Monday morning and made-up two names and traded them to the Rockies. I be Landyn on these aren’t real people. Landyn Vidourek is going to be the key to unlocking George R. R. Martin’s writer’s block. Seth Halvorsen was one of the Rockies’ in-house closing options. Rockies will now turn their 9th inning over to Jimothy. Jimothy is their new closer. Welcome Jimothy to the Colorado Rockies!