Call Eury TripAdvisor Because He Saw No Hits For Sacramento

Hope everyone had a fun Fourth of July! I spent it as our forefathers would’ve wanted: Driving around with an oversized sombrero screaming, “The British are coming,” while I had Cougs hoist a portable TV out our Celica’s sunroof, that was playing the World Cup match. Though, our forefathers would’ve wanted us to say a soccer game not soccer match. Sorry, old dudes! Have you been captured by World Cup fever? I watched soccer for the first time in maybe ten years this weekend and I have the best idea that only someone unfamiliar with the rules can come up with: A substitute who can’t play soccer but is schooled at Juilliard for acting. You need someone to sell a flop? I have the perfect person for you! “Whoa, here comes, Jeffrey Sag-Aftra, and he’s wearing a turtleneck. One of the best floppers in the entire league.” Any hoo! Eury Perez went into Bing Bong and threw a perfect game [covers mouth] for seven innings! Expressed also: 7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.84. I can squint and see Eury on the verge of being a superstar and throwing perfect games every time out like a Misiorowski. I wouldn’t say he’s there yet, but that’s the stuff and what it can do. His command is still too wonky. This is hilarious in a bad way: His Barrel% is 14.8%. Ugly. If he qualified, he’d easily be worst in the majors. That means he misses over the plate way too much. So, for now, lots of up and down starts. Yesterday was clearly what’s up. Now, back to soccer, is there anything illegal about a goalie who is the size of the goal? Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Sandy Alcantara – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.00. April? Awesome!!! May? Oh, this is bad! June? We’re cooking with gas! July? “Wait, it’s July? I thought it was still June.” That’s Sandy, the Ride-Or-Die Monthly Splits Guy.

Zack Gelof – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. He missed the minimum amount of time. Though, time is an illusion, so who cares.

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 9th homer. Hit ’em with the Heim!

Heriberto Hernandez – 2-for-4 and his 10th and 11th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in three games. Might be a light schmotato, but you have to take every hitter coming out of Bing Bong with a grain of salt.

Otto Lopez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. I love him so much I’m renaming my self-driving robot, Otto.

Gage Jump – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.98. Sure glad I started him at home. [constructs a wall out of bricks, slams head into newly-constructed wall] Gage is a Road Scholar only, until further notice. Yes, I’m more or less telling myself.

Joe Ryan – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Hmm, let’s check in on the Yankees’ lineup! Jasson Dominguez is their three hitter, Volpe hitting 5th, Ryan McMahon, who should be a fielding coach is hitting 6th or 7th, depending on the day and/or Boone mood, and then it gets really bad after that! Yankees currently have six automatic outs in their lineup, and Cody has been in a month-long slump.

Byron Buxton – Left the game after aggravating his hip. He said to his hip, “You’re not so hip,” and his hip got aggravated. Or maybe it happened when he was sliding into 2nd.

Ryan Weathers – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.29. Never seen a guy who’s more “pitching with a tired arm” than Weathers.

Braxton Ashcraft – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Currently working on the top 100 for the 2nd half (out on Patreon this week, on the site next week), and I can’t believe how great Ashcraft looks or, and this is a rather large-sized or like you’re rowing in a Viking boat, there’s just not that many solid pitchers overall.

Bubba Chandler – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.82. Bubba is a garbage start lubber.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Mr. Excitement bringing all the balls out of the yard.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. B. Lowe below all the guys I roster at 2nd base who I drafted B. Fore him.

Cade Cavalli – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.88. Nats bumped him up a day to get his start in before his suspension, and that did not work at all. Let’s hope he’s fine on the other side of the suspension. At least I’m hoping because I need him. Yes, this is about me!

Luis Garcia Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (19) and legs (3), six homers in the last eight days, after hitting 11 HRs in June. LuGaJu doing an incredible Juco Loco impersonation.

Dylan Crews – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .232. Ya know what kind of year he’s having? Dylan Crews, 2027 Fantasy Baseball Sleeper will be incoming.

Hunter Greene – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, as he was activated from the IL. The good news is you still have your health. Unless you don’t. I don’t know your health situation. I guess I shouldn’t say your health is good news. Well, the good news is you’re alive. I think. I guess a dead person could be reading this. Okay, so there’s no good news here! Sorry! Hopefully this was just rust and Greene’s healthy. His velocity was down as the game went on, but that might just be rust.

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.68. I’m willing to get back in on Lodolo, but this start wasn’t that and I still have zero trust in him.

Spencer Steer – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Just looked at Steer’s last month and cackled. He hit .159 in June.

Tyler Wells – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.02 on Saturday, and the 1st post-Helsley save. Oh, this was Saturday’s line from the 2nd post-Helsley save. I’m merely saying he got the 1st one too. Tyler Wells: SAGNOF.

Kyle Bradish – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Eminem was B-Rabbit and if he turnt up he’d B-Radish.

Manny Machado – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (2), hitting .189. Macho, macho Machado!

JP Sears – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.70. If you had the marbles in your melon to start him at Uniglobe Dodger Stadium, you deserve this start and a brain test.

Ranger Suarez – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.15, and left with adductor tightness. One of youse jinxed my beautiful Suarez, and I blame you, whichever you it is.

Jarren Duran – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .197. Finally secured his 13th hit of the season! Woohoo!

Willson Contreras – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting .284. Contreras is the Red Sox lone bright spot this year. Fitting that he’s also ejected every third game.

A.J. Ewing – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. A.J. homers that’s an Apple Jack!

Nolan McLean – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73. He’s going to be so good next year when I don’t have him on any teams. I already know how this shizz works.

Martin Perez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.54. At least this schmohawk is no longer pitching well. It’s Haterade, you should drink it some time!

Drake Baldwin – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .251. Not sure when he hit this grand slam. I shut the Mets game off when it entered the bottom of the 9th because it was out of reach.

Kyle Leahy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Streamonator hates his next one, and I’m starting Leahy every time out in one league because I have no choice. Pray for me.

Jordan Walker – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. I look at Jordan Walker on other fantasy teams and whisper, “You’re on my team in my heart.”

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, and his 17th and 18th homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in three games, four homers in five games. Devers delivers!

Drew Gilbert – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Gilbert’s huge day was a tie-in with Netflix’s brand-new Little House on the Prairie. Too bad Landon Knack isn’t in the majors.

Brandon Woodruff – With a fastball down seven miles per hour, he left Saturday’s game and hit the IL with an inflamed labrum, which I relay to you while hang gliding over the Bermuda Triangle because what’s the difference anymore?

Jake Bauers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .266, 2nd homer in a week. Bauers powers!

Brandon Sproat – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.13. We take one step forward then one step backward. Can we not take the backwards steps anymore?

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Another guy who began this season in an international tournament and has excelled much like the World Cup. I’m big soccer guy now. EdRod’s having one of those seasons when he regresses it’s going to be so incredibly monumental.

Sean Burke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Ya know, the White Sox were so bad two years ago that I think people assumed they’d never get better. Fair assumption, but you did a bzzt wrongo. Burke is one of many players who legitimately got better this year. His numbers say he could even become better going forward (next year).

Colson Montgomery – 2-for-5-, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in the last five games. Colson is the best Montgomery. 1. Colson 2. Mason 3. No 3. 4. Alabama city 5. Braden.

Kyle Teel – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Tristan Peters (2-for-4) and his 5th homer, and I thought his name was Triscuit and got noshy.

Sean Newcomb – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.58, and his 3rd save, and 2nd save in a week. Once I say he’s the White Sox closer, you’ll grab him and say, “I got a Newcomb, same as the old comb,” and someone else will get the next save.

Tanner Bibee – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.06. Don’t have him anywhere. Tannerfreude!

Chase DeLauter – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .272. I went to look when his last home run was and it took me so long to find it I dozed off. (May 17th) DeLauter might be coming out of it though, as we learned with Dansby.

Mason Englert – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Brucely, I appreciate that the Rays invent guys. “This starter is called Mason…Englberthumber–uh–ert!” He was a middle reliever, and will go back there, likely. Just a command, low stuff guy.

Hunter Brown – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.38. It doesn’t help that we have The Return of the Bouncy Ball, but Brown is also not 100%. He hasn’t looked it since he returned.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said Jordan Walker and Christian Walker both hit their 20th homer on Sunday and…that was when Elias’s computer froze.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer. Didn’t realize there was 12 weeks already played, but there must’ve been because Paredes homers once a week.

Peter Lambert – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Promise you, I keep looking at Lambert after every solid start of his, and there’s nothing jumping off the page. Solid real-life starter, and Streamonator for shallower league fantasy.

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.87. If you got this far into a Nola blurb without noticing his 5.87 ERA, you might be eligible for the class action against him taken up by his fantasy owners.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.75. As I consult the rest of the season projections for the top 100 for the 2nd half, I keep seeing Luzardo and his entirely too favorable projections. I’m not falling for that tailpipe banana.

Jake Burger – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .246. Burger hit that one animal-style!

Jack Flaherty – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.60. I wanna tell you something and plain and simple as I can that is more of a vibe than based in reality. If you pick up Flaherty, he will be the worst thing you’ve ever seen. If you leave him on waivers, he’ll be solid. So, now you have to ask yourself, how much do you care about your fellow man or five womans?

Casey Mize – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.64. Mize has some of the best underlying stats from a guy you might not expect. Though, maybe your big brain does expect them. I don’t know what’s jingo-jangling inside your giant head. Impressive melon, by the way.

Riley Greene – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .292. He also made a fantastic catch on a liner off the bat of Nimmo, and you have to wonder if he could’ve made that catch with his feet like in soccer.

Emerson Hancock – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Piggyback my ass! Which is also what I say when my Uber asks if I have any special route I want them to use.

Logan Gilbert – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.19. I feel like a proud papa, but not of a son but of a starter who I drafted 1st. That’s what I want to see every time out.

Shane Bieber – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 9.00. March Grey, who is currently vacationing in Cabo Verde with swimsuit models, will return next Spring, and not remember the great stuff Zack Wheeler or Bryce Miller are doing, and will only remember Bieber as a cautionary tale on why you should avoid injured pitchers.