Murakami Down The IL Chute But Jacob Gonzalez Came Prepared

I was expecting regression from Munetaka Murakami. There’s just no way he could keep up with what he was doing. You don’t strikeout that much and not slump tremendously. Regression I was prepared for. Regression I could handle. Not an injury! Not like this! Nooooooo!!! I screamed into the abyss and waited and waited. Finally, the abyss responded, “I’m sleeping, could you please not scream?” Freakin’ abyss. I hate you! With every negative, there’s an equal, opposite positive reaction, which is a crock. Jacob Gonzalez (1-for-3) was called up, which is a positive, but it’s not equal. He’s not going to be Murakami, the sequel, More-of-kami. Gonzalez was one of the hottest hitters in the minors — batting .308/.414/.646 with 18 homers in 51 games. The lefty was basically unheard of prior to this year, but could be a late-bloomer. If you’re looking for an HBI — hot bat injection — I could see grabbing him, meat. Now, I’m gonna return to moping about Murakami. Why?! “Quiet, please.” Shut up, abyss! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Colson Montgomery – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .235. Maybe I have “Head banged against the wall too many times” Disease, but it feels like no matter what Colson does, including a 40-homer 2nd half pace last year and a 40-homer pace this year, people don’t trust him.

Sean Burke – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72 vs. Keider Montero – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.69. This is kinda funny (not funny at all). Burke was out-pitched by Keider, and Keider has a better ERA, but I like Burke better, and it’s not super close. Told ya funny! (Not at all.)

Framber Valdez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.39. Can’t he throw at someone else to get suspended for another start or two? The best he’s looked was when he’s not starting.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. Carp’s on, tarps off, he says as he removes his shirt to an alabaster chest that blinds people as they beg him to put his shirt back on.

Simeon Woods Richardson – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to become valuable enough to make it worth it to spell out his full name.

Bailey Ober – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.59. “And they DFA my stupid ass?!” That’s Simeon Woods Richardson.

Zebby Matthews – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.63. “You gotta be kidding me!” That’s still Richardson.

Brooks Lee – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .255. Brooks wuz here with a schmotato.

Mitch Keller – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.35. Old Keller showing what a dog he is.

Konnor Griffin – Hit the IL with a flexor tendon strain. More time for his bouncy castle!

Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, as he was activated from the IL. He’s back, you O’Heard right!

Nick Gonzales – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .303. Actually, he’s hitting fairly well outside of power, could see a light schmotato here.

Braxton Ashcraft – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Eleven Ks and zero walks got me effin’ vescent, sounding like an outtake for a Sprite commercial.

Luis Severino – Hit the IL with a sore shoulder. Can’t he just have a sore shoulder during home games?

Brent Rooker – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer. Please put together a 15-homer June. Please.

Ben Rice – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .306. He had a better 3rd inning than Vlad Jr.’s month of May but whatever. It’s all good!

Parker Messick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.21. Fun fact! His name is what Reese McGuire says to himself when he’s in a parking lot.

Tanner Bibee – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.57. A Quality Start is one of the worst classifications for an outing. That both Ashcraft and Bibee are Quality Starts highlights how ridiculous it is.

Garrett Crochet – Undergoing tests after minor setback with some lat tightness. Does sound super minor. Hopefully not as minor as, say, Lodolo’s blister that knocked him out for six weeks.

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.06. At what point does Sonny put an ad in the Los Angeles Times saying he’s available for midnight walks on a beach, and to pitch every fifth day for the Dodgers?

Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I don’t chase strikeouts, but when a guy does get strikeouts, it does make an overall meh line go down a bit easier. Strikeouts = a spoonful of sugar.

Jarren Duran – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 4th homer this week, and nine homers in May, while batting .260-ish. April was an abomination, but one great month can fix everything. Now he just needs to be normal going forward and not revert back to April, i.e., Duran’s goal is to not Come Undone.

Tyler Phillips – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.63, and up to 72 pitches thrown. Streamonator hates him, and I didn’t love this start, but I also think now’s the time to grab him in deeper leagues, as he’s stretched out and pitching well enough for matchups.

Christian Scott – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.97. His numbers look excellent. Whoa, when did that happen? I went from being meh to interested with no stop in the middle for intrigued, y’all! Damn it! That’s how you freakin’ get an upset stomach. Gotta time things out for an “intrigued, y’all” in between. His stats: 11.3 K/9 (hello, beautiful), 4.8 BB/9 (meh, but his MiLB numbers say those should get better), and a bump in velo. I picked him up for a stream in my RCL, but I’m holding because he’s a streamboat.

Nolan McLean – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.21. Sorry, 2:5 K:BB is Very:Awful.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .305. Now has 7 HRs and 13 RBIs in last 10 games. Thank you, Sexy Dr. Pepper.

Carson Benge – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .253. Went to look at the Player Rater with this running through my mind, “Benge is gonna be so much better than I think,” and he was worse. (Around 200th overall.)

Jacob Misiorowski – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.65. He’s one of four starters who have allowed one or zero runs in a month (The Adverb, Orel, Fernando) and, the wild thing is, it happened this month also with Cristopher Sanchez. Wouldn’t want to be the one deciding who gets NL Pitcher of the Month. Actually, I do, what a stupid job. Misi Misio is like Spider-Man spraying a mix of ketchup, mayo, relish and mustard from his wrist. It’s all special sauce.

Jake Bauers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer this week. Bauers dropping bombs (complimentary).

Trevor Megill – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.29, and the save. Uribe hip thrusting himself out of the closer role is one of the funniest developments this year. Just pure comedy.

Tatsuya Imai – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.52. That followed his combined no-hitter, and now I’ll move him into my lineups to get crushed. Most predictable thing ever. Streamonator hates his next too.

Ben Brown – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.92. Not saying he’s an ace, but his numbers are borderline excellent. There’s a case to be made he’s breaking out. It’s a little early to make the case, but he has a 1.92 ERA through 51 2/3 IP, so also not that early either.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .259. No to Bregman, but I told you to sell him about a month ago.

Jimmy Crooks – Called up on Saturday, and didn’t play on Sunday because you gotta play Pedro Pages when you have him. Any hoo! Crooks is a 80-grade name and a 50-grade bat, which isn’t bad. In Triple-A, he went 13/1/.262 in 39 games. It was with a 29.4 K%, which is high, but Crooks ain’t getting robbed. Hey oh!

Matthew Liberatore – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.35. He had one of those dream Streamonator weeks. Wish I had the shares, but also don’t really want them moving forward.

Bryan Woo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Woo!

Bryce Miller – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.71,and out at 71 pitches. I find it comical how the M’s are like, “Miller and Castillo are piggybacking,” and then each throws, like, five shutout innings and are like, “Why are you removing me from the game? Just so you don’t look like a liar?” You don’t need to keep piggybacking them. I promise, no one will be mad.

Dominic Canzone – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and third homer this week. Hot schmotato alert!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and five homers since Thursday. Tildaddy tells you to get your shinebox!

Jorge Mateo – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Nick Lodolo – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.20. See what I said for Bibee.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Forming a prayer quadrilateral that he gets hotter than the sun.

Pierce Johnson – Hit the IL. Reminds me of an injury I got once asking for a Pierce Johnson in a Claire’s. Tony Santillan looked like clear fave for saves, but hold the bullpen phone! Sam Moll went 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.49, got Sunday’s save. Before him, Tony Santillan (2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5.56 ERA) continued to do all he could to get replaced as the closer, even as everyone around him goes down to injury. Since he’s a lefty, Moll’s not really the answer. This closer shituation might really just be a bunch of guys until Pagan returns, who is currently running on a anti-gravity treadmill like he’s training to get the first moon save.

Elly De La Cruz – With undergo a scan of his hamstring today. We need to form a prayer square pronto.

Harrison Bader – Hit the IL with plantar fasciitis. Too much outfield thrusting.

Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.45. Good try, but he can’t hide the ol’ banana in the ol’ tailpipe with those tight pants.

Willy Adames – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer this week, and the Giants exploded for 19 runs in Colorado. That’s a lot of outfield thrusts! Also, hitting homers: Jesus Rodriguez (1-for-1, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd and Bryce Eldridge (4-for-6, 4 runs) hit his 2nd too.

Roki Sasaki – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.59, but his May was, dare I say decent. 3.18 ERA in 28 ⅓ IP, 9 K/9, and 1.00 WHIP. Been pretty hesitant to get back in, but Streamonator loves his next one, and I can forgive everyone but Jesus Luzardo.

Ryan Ward – 1-for-2 and his 1st major league homer. Laura just gave you her Ryan Ward fantasy. Before that, I gave you 300 words on Ward — Wards? — I said, “Ward went 36/16/.290 last year in Triple-A, and I’ve said this before but it’s worth repeating because it’s a short schedule day and I’m like a student assigned a 2,000-word essay when they haven’t studied and what I always say is: No one should look that good in the minors. No one should go 30/30, no one should get a 35/15 season and no one should be proud of that. It means the club does not think you’re really talented, but they think you’re hitting that well because you’re basically Danny Almonte. You’re against 12-year-olds when you’re a 17-year-old in Little League with a fake birth certificate.” And that’s me quoting me!

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Max is the Munciest!

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Early on, I thought he was going to throw a no-hitter and I was going to have to dance around how I called him overrated in the preseason. Ha, no problem there!

Reid Detmers – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.63. I actually streamed Detmers in one league and got out without a complete blowup, so feels like a moral victory.

Drew Rasmussen – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.36. First time his ERA has been over three ever. I think. Let’s get in my feels, and say it feels that way.

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.45. First four starts: 5.00 ERA in 18 IP; last seven starts: 1.22 ERA in 37 IP. Dreaming about a team where I drafted McClanahananananananan, Gerrit Cole and Zack Wheeler and making up a banner to hang from my front door that reads, “Fantasy Baseball Champion.” I guess the positive is I’m not banging nails above the front door frame and pissing off Cougs.

Jonathan Aranda – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .290. Looking at Aranda and getting secondhand embarrassment for Vlad Jr.

Maikel Garcia – Sounds headed to the IL with a strained hamstring. What an odd thing to find in a colander. This could mean more playing time for Nick Loftin, who’s more like Ick Groundin.

Lucas Erceg – 0 IP, 3 ER on Saturday, ERA at 6.33. I like how batshizz crazy it is to keep going to a closer with a 6+ ERA. No notes. Brilliance.

Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.23. When you have a guy for ratios help and he gives you ratios hell, it’s not nice.

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.55 vs. Kumar Rocker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Started both of these guys as they faced each other, and I think that’s why you come to me for the best advice–[intern whispers]–Yes, I started Ober and Keller too, do you want me to throw a stapler at you?

Jack Leiter – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.34. His ERA for May was 3.60. I wish I could say I have a ton of faith in him. Or even as much as I did in the preseason, but he’s been all over the map, giving up runs.

Jesus Sanchez – Left the game after being hit on the hand by a baseball that was thrown from the stands. Supposedly, the ball was thrown by a 13-year-old who thought Sanchez was calling to play catch with him. So, to recap: Jesus Sanchez (hand/wrist) due to an underdeveloped frontal lobe.

Trey Yesavage – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (7 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.19. Giving up seven walks and one run seems almost mathematically impossible. Like spending more than $20 at CVS and not having to ask someone to open a one locked cabinet.

Jeff Hoffman – 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.31. It’s almost like Jays’ manager John Schneider gets a commission from Hoffman’s agent to make him the closer again. Varland’s ERA is 0.29, and they go to Hoffman. Perfection.

Brandon Young – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.35. He’s trying to rope you in. Don’t get duped. Don’t even Streamonator him.

Kyle Bradish – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Told ya he was an ace! [dodges tomato] What?

Colton Cowser – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs line! Could’ve sworn Cowser had a better May (4 HRs, .255-ish, 1 steal) but, yeah, kinda meh.

Foster Griffin – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.76. The only pitcher in the majors who is pitching exactly as well as you think. Foster’s is Australian for ‘It is what it is.’

James Wood – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Holy crap, he didn’t hit his 16th homer last year until May 30th!

Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in the week. I say Lu-Ga-Ju, and you say God bless you!

Clayton Beeter – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.30, and the save on Saturday and Sunday. For some reason, everyone started saying Lovelady was the Nats’ closer with very little sign of it. Think people just wanted some action.

Michael King – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.18. Did you listen to my Sell on Friday? No? Oh well.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 0-for-4 but his 1st home run on Saturday. I think at least. Every website that shows highlights had Tatis’s home run video listed, but when I clicked it, it said, “Footage not found.” Oddly enough, before the footage not found message, there was an ad for ringworm medicine.