5-Day Sale — All Throwbacks Must Go!

The White Sox were due to wear throwback jerseys on Saturday, and Chris Sale didn’t want to wear them.  The White Sox refused to relent, so Sale took it upon himself to do something.  Cut to, ahem, ten minutes later and Sale was sent home for throwing a temper tantrum and cutting up all the throwback uniforms.  The most surprising thing in this story:  the White Sox clubhouse had a pair of lefty scissors.  After Sale cut up the White Sox 1976 uniforms, Chet Lemon weighed in, saying, “It was a tough uniform to rock.  The guys on the 1983 team thought they had a reviled uniform.  At least in 1983, you could strut around like a peacock, which they called Paciorek’ing, due to the grace of teammate Tom Paciorek.  In 1976, they dressed me up like a lawn jockey.  That shizz was offensive!”  For his antics, Chris Sale was suspended for five games by the White Sox.  That’s the last time he tries to introduce a cutter without talking to the pitching coach.  Now, if the Red Sox trade for Sale, their top two starters could help win back the casual Jewish Red Sox fan who checked out after Youk and Theo left.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Rodon – Will make a rehab start today.  He will be throwing in the nude, just in case.

Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.97.  The Tigers complained about being able to pick up the ball in the White Sox jerseys that looked designed by Edward Scissorhands.  Okay, I’m done now.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  That’s to go with his 11 steals.  I don’t expect him to be Mike Trout, though I have been known to Eaton Trout, but who is more yawnstipating than Eaton?  Write your answer on a piece of paper and I’ll guess the answer.  Don’t write your answer!   It was rhetorical!

David Robertson – 1 IP, 3 ER with three homers allowed, and his 4th blown save, his ERA at 4.43, and his 2nd explosion in the last four appearances of the likes we haven’t seen outside of a public restroom.  Before the All-Star break, he had leg problems, and I wouldn’t be surprised if something is still bothering him.  I’d absolutely own Nate Jones for now.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .297.  It’s the year of Castell!  Okay, that needs work.

Tyler Glasnow – Hit the DL with shoulder discomfort.  Damn you, Fantasy Baseball Overlord, can we not have anything beautiful?

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.83.  Though, for all we know, he’s still concussed from his last start after being Gallagher’d by a comebacker and Taillon thinks he pitched a 9-inning gem.  Ooh!  Big Idea Alert!  They should have one game a week where people who don’t know baseball keep score.  This week the Padres are facing the Blue Jays.  Should be an easy matchup, but my mom is keeping score for the Padres and this cabbie, who drove me to the wrong hotel in Vegas this past weekend, will be keeping score for the Jays.  Suddenly, it’s anyone’s game!

Adam Frazier – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer, which came as a pinch-hitter.  Him not starting proves it’s not just something personal against Josh Bell.  Or Hurdle lost a bet to Sean Rodriguez.

Aaron Nola – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Apparently, he’s not right again.  Okay, fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, and go to Tennessee with that J. Cole/George Bush shizz, I’m done with Nola.  See ya next year.

Odubel Herrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Ooh, baby, ODB likes it raw!

David Price – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.51.  Can I have Chris Archer back?  David Price makes me feel like Homer Simpson when he’s getting electric shock aversion therapy.  He keeps grabbing the donut and keeps getting shocked.  That’s me.

Mookie Betts – Missed the last two days with a sore knee.  He’s supposed to be fine and could’ve played yesterday, but Betts just didn’t want to take the gamble.

Rick Porcello – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.57.  Pretty whatever start for Porcello, and it was still so much better than Price!

Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, which was his fifth homer this week, hitting .282.  Hanley goes on these insane runs, where if you came back from the future and told me Hanley was a top five player in the 2nd half, I’d say, “I believe you, and way to bring me back some lottery numbers or something else of real interest.  Thanks.”

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .306.  Trying to hold onto his Sparky Anklebiter title.  Remember, if might was height, Pedroia would be a giant.

Travis Shaw – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his third homer in the last seven games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Tyler Skaggs – Will start on Tuesday.  I just went over him in my buy column on Friday.  It was a real humdinger!

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.53.  A top pitcher pitching well.  How Cueto.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.22.  True story!  Cougs was washing my underwear and I had a skidmark.  I told her the proper name for them was a Samardzija, and that’s how I ended up with Samardzija on my bedsheets.

Angel Pagan – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .292, and hitting .367 since the All-Star break.  He hasn’t provided a ton of speed and power, but I could see grabbing him for the hot hand.

Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.65.  Wanna know how much my brain has been captured by consumerism?  I see Nova’s first name, and I think it should be spelled iVan and be an Apple product for soccer moms.  As for Nova, he has two decent starts in a row, but I’d still use the Stream-o-Nator for him in most mixed leagues.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.80.  Yesterday, he threw 118 pitches after throwing 82 pitches in his last game and working out of the bullpen before that.  Makes me think, it must be awful to own Eovaldi all year in fantasy, but to own him in real life must be worse.  Hence, Girardi is trying to get Eovaldi’s arm to fall off.

Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer.  The born-in-1927 Yankees keep hitting like that and people are gonna think it’s 1927 again.  Only less racist.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer.  With the Yankees’, um, maturity, they should broadcast Yankee games in black and white.

Addison Russell – Left yesterday’s game with a heel injury.  If he needs to miss a significant amount of time, consider it a preamble to the most epic Cubs’ collapse yet.  Or simply an injury that’s never mentioned by baseball historians.  By the by, baseball historians have beards with one random hair that is much longer that bothers everyone that talks to them.

Jon Lester – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.09.  Yesterday, Lester gave up five steals, reverting to his old ways of allowing an extra base like a Catholic school girl that starts way too late.

Ryan Braun – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th and 11th steals.  Nowhere near the player he once was *cough* steroids* *cough* but, on our Player Rater, he’s still been a 15-20th top outfielder.

Hernan Perez – 0-for-2, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals (13, 14).  SAGNOF!

Junior Guerra – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.85.  Rather than have my head explode, let’s not compare Guerra’s ERA with Archer and Price.

Jacob deGrom – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Having a top 20 pitcher this year has been a real joy.  I mean that in the most sincerest of sarcastic ways possible.

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.36.  Speaking of Spurs, I saw David Robinson in Vegas this weekend.  There is no hiding a pro basketball player, right?  I mean, you can throw a hat on all you want, but people tend to gawk at a seven-footer.  As for Matz, he still worries me, but he does have a nice next matchup.

Wei-Yin Chen – Hit the DL with an elbow sprain.  Mattingly said he hopes the injury isn’t too serious.  Shouldn’t be, as long as Chen can pitch with his other arm.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .295.  Schoop, it rhymes with dope.

Nolan Reimold – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs with his 5th homer, a two-run pinch-hit, game-winning homer off Cody Allen.  Can you say Aroldis Chapman to Cleveland?  Theo Epstein apparently can’t.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09.  Jo Anne Worley’s child, Vance, has been a long reliever for most of the season, but he could stay in the rotation a little longer now.  For fantasy, you Vance with the Worley and you will get burned.

Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.44.  Sucks his next start is gonna have to be a blow up, because Kluber has been doing this yo-yo between 3.50 and 3.75 for the last two months.

Michael Saunders – 0-for-2, but two homers (18, 19) on Saturday.  I told you he was a sleeper!  *covers mouth so you can barely hear me*  In 2015.

J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 4 Walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.27.  Between Estrada and Happ, the Blue Jays have two of the luckiest pitchers for ERA vs. xFIP.  Meanwhile, Stroman is playing a sad song.  Turn them on, turn them on, turn on those sad songs.

Braden Shipley – Will make his major league debut today vs. the Brewers.  Shipley’s K-rate in 2014 was 8.1; in 2015 it was 6.8 and this year it’s 5.8.  By 2019, his K-rate is going to negative 2.  Good thing, GM Dave Stewart thinks a K-rate is a Hasidic Jew spelling karate.  Considering the Diamondbacks’ home park is awful and he strikes out no one, I wouldn’t go near him.

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  His K-rate is 10.9.  Boing!  His ERA and WHIP are 4.53 and 1.51.  Noing!  We’ve found our National League Pineda!

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer.  Au Shizz!

Zack Godley – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Fun fact!  When someone calls Godley in the clubhouse, Goldy fits the urge to answer, saying to himself, “It won’t be funny, people will think you’re conceited.”

Welington Castillo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  This was his first non-single hit since July 2nd, and he’s only had two singles in that time.  So, where’s the boeuf?  That’s where.

Yasmany Tomas – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 14th and 15th homers, and his 1st homers since June 28th.  He did homer seven times in June, so he could be getting hot again.  Could be worth a little cyclops’ing.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (21) and legs (4), hitting .269.  After the game, back in his hotel room, Bruce laid on his bed, while holding the phone to his ear as other teams’ GMs flirted with him.  All Bruce did was curl the phone cord around his finger and giggle.

Tyler Clippard – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Technically, it was a Kazaam, but I’m still holding Jake Barrett for the eventual Clippard clipping.

Lucas Giolito – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.91, and optioned back to the minors.  So far, he’s looked like Nat-Gio Lite.  Meaning a lesser version of the other Nationals pitcher, Gio Gonzalez, not as in National Geographic Lite, which is a Christian-censored magazine where they draw pasties on the African women’s boobies.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer.  I had Ramos for three at-bats this year, then began to pick my catcher scab indefinitely.  Stupid itchy catcher scab.

Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th steal, hitting .282.  Not only is he playing, but he’s leading off for a solid hitting team.  Yes, you should grab him.

Ryan Schimpf – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and two more homers this weekend, his 8th and 9th homers this month.  No, of course, it’s not going to last, he’s a Quad-A player, but you better believe I’ve now picked him up everywhere.

Alex Dickerson – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 3rd homer.  Another Quad-A player, but another player that is hot, so I could see grabbing him too.  With Dickerson, though, you need to worry more about platoons.

Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.30.  No, I wouldn’t pick him up, but just because I enjoy sticking hot pokers in my never-mentions, Edwin’s ERA is below David Price.

Yordano Ventura – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.99, but left the game after taking a comebacker to the ribs.  Yordano “The Body” Ventura says he’ll be fine, then challenged Ivan Putski to an arm wrestling match.

Kendrys Morales – 3-for-3 and his 16th homer.  Prior, he had three hits in the last ten games, so he’s far from hot, but maybe he’s not all drys’d up either.

Delino DeShields – 2-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (5).  See!  I told you to draft him!  So, with Choo and Fielder DL’d, Profar moved to third, Beltre to DH and a spot in the lineup opened for DeShizz.  Worth a flyer in mixed leagues, but, before we dive in head first again only to realize it’s a mural of water on the swimming pool’s bottom, I’d like to see a bit more before dropping anyone too worthwhile.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Keep hitting like that and the Yankees might sign you in four years!

Howie Kendrick – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd this weekend.  Hot schmotato alert!

Tommy Pham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Is it just me or do you want to call him Phommy Tam?  Meh, maybe it’s me.  I owned Pham up until yesterday, but then I saw he was hitting under-.100 for the week, so I dropped him.  Then, he homered.  So, there ya go.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.42 vs. Kendall Graveman 9 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15.  This Smyly/Graveman matchup sounds like it was pulled from a Stephen King novel, except King laughs in the face of words ending in -ly.  Those who have read his book, On Writing, know what I’m saying.  It was brilliantly written.  Dah!

Jesse Hahn – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was recalled from Triple-A, where he had a 3.63 ERA and 6.2 K/9 and 4.5 BB/9.  That ain’t too fly, Jeff Goldblum.  Hahn resides in that town of velocity, but he’s a velocitease, ask Reverend Jim.  I’d drive around in a taxi with a moose head hood ornament, call me a taxidermist.

Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Cause I can never get enough of this.

Blake Snell – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.05.  Maybe I shouldn’t have dropped him, screaming, “Snell ya later,” but it made me giggle.

Tim Lincecum – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 8.70.  Before Lincecum pitches, the Angels should put a damp towel under the door to absorb the stink.

Alex Bregman – Officially called up by the Astros.  And the phone call went like this, “Hey, you wanna join us in the majors?”  “What took so long?”  “Well, we were experimenting with Marwin Gonzalez.”  “Does Marwin know science?”  “Maybe, but not the science of hitting.”  “Great book.”  “You read the ‘Science of Hitting?'”  “No, someone walked past carrying Memoirs of a Geisha.”  And that’s how the call-up of Bregman went down.  Obviously, you should grab him as I’ve been saying for the last two weeks.  Here’s my Alex Bregman fantasy for further reading.

Evan Gattis – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer on Sunday, after hitting two homers on Saturday.  Must’ve heard all the people in the comments about dropping him.  Y’all should try and ask to drop Abreu.  It can’t hurt!

Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18.  But his ERA in July is much prettier, 2.66.  I’ve streamed him a couple of times this month, and likely should’ve just held onto him.  Idle hands and all.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers, hitting .360.  On our Player Rater, he’s still firmly in 1st for all of fantasy.  It’s hard to imagine anyone hopping over him.  That’s for fantasy, obviously.  In real life, he’s like hopping the Travelocity gnome.

Luis Valbuena – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer.  You know what I’m gonna say, Valbuena will hit another homer in the next three days or my name isn’t Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).

Julio Teheran – Left Friday’s start with a minor lat strain and then on Saturday the Braves said, “Well, worst case scenario, I guess we can still trade him to the Diamondbacks.”

David Dahl – Called up by the Rockies with CarGo and/or Blackmon about to take a huge hit in their fantasy value.  Unless they’re traded to the Padres and San Diego goes ten feet under water and needs to relocate to Denver, but this feels like a long shot scenario.  Dahl feels like Blackmon with a little more power and a little less speed — he’s the Black Dahlia!  Anything can happen with rookies, but Coors is not a place that’s hard to find success.  I’d grab Dahl in all leagues.

Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (8 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65.  With all of those BBs, he’s lucky he didn’t shoot his eye out.

DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .325.  On another team, he’s Tommy La Stella, which would be no reason to stellabrate.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer.  Quick!  Grab your Gregg Jefferies rookie cards and meet me under the bed!  It’s a Torenado!

Trevor Story – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  Mean’s while, on Saturday, he went 4-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with two more homers.  Here’s a Story, of a lovely shortstop, who was hitting dongs longer than Milton Berle’s…