Craig Biggio. It’s a sloppy, imperfect comparison, but that’s who Alex Bregman looks like. I watched three minutes of video of him. So, that’s like saying there’s smoke emitting from every New York City manhole because underneath are old Filipino women making hot pretzels, who then transport them to the above ground vendors, because you found an old Filipino woman underneath one manhole cover making pretzels. Luke, small is your sample size, said Yoda. Now, if you buy into the Biggio comparison, which you should because Filipino women are making pretzels below New York City manholes, Biggio had three homers, six steals and hit .211 in his first 50 games. Ya know, Hall of Famer, Craig Biggio. Biggio was older then than (stutterer!) Bregman is now, if you were looking for an excuse. Rookies sure are fun, right? They mostly cause ulcers. They. Mostly. Cause. Ulcers. TMCU, for short. So, Bregman is crazy talented, he could be up soon, I would own him, but, for this year, I’d keep my expectations in Slovakia, or even Czech. For further reading, Prospector Ralph has him number one on the top 100 fantasy baseball prospects. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Travis d’Arnaud – I Googled TDA, and I got search results for The Dance Academy, which makes me think of Arthur Murray, so why don’t we call him Travis d’Arthurmurray, but knowing TDA he’d hurt himself during a waltz spin. I don’t have some deep-rooted love for d’Arthurmurray, but he has been a bit hot and is available in leagues.
Josh Bell – Was called up by the Pirates, and supposedly will push Informer Ja-Snow to the bench, but, knowing Hurdle, Bell and Jaso will platoon. As the expression that I just made up says, the last hurdle to common sense is Hurdle. So, why do we, gentle reader, care about Bell? You don’t know?! What kind of Tom, Dick and Dopey are you? He’s one of the top prospects in all of baseball. For a few years, people were wondering if his power would majesticize (totally a word!) — last year, only seven homers all year. This year, he has 13 already. That power isn’t amazing, but it’s coming around. Pretty good actually from a line drive hitter. That’s right, he hits line drives. His batting average this year: .327. Last year: .347. .335 the year before. Always with the line drives this guy! So, I’d grab Bell in every league to see how his playing time shakes out, assuming it doesn’t just make a ringing sound.
C.J. Cron – Curtis Jackson Cron has five homers in the month of July, and we’re eight days into July, which is Beatles-speak for a week.
A.J. Reed – People were clamoring for A.J. Reed like he was Jon Niese signing his autobiography, “Stop Asking Me, I Am Not Carly Fiorina, You Nose This,” and now that Reed is up and homering, no one wants him. Okay, prematurely balding men and five girl readers, okay.
Dae-Ho Lee – Dae-Ho is hot, yo, says Grey as he extends his pinkie on his glass of Alizé. Speaking of Ho’s:
— Rudy Gamble (@rudygamble) July 7, 2016
Luis Valbuena – Has a lot in common with Juan Uribe. He’s usually an awful corner man option, but when he gets hot, he hits a few homers in a week until he gets cold again. I will call them ValJuana, which sounds like a bad 90s group. Didn’t ValJuana sing, Barbie Girl?
Javier Baez – Here’s another example of the hype being strong when a guy is either in the minors or doing nothing, only to completely evaporate when the player is actually playing and producing. The unknown is always more appealing when speaking about your marriage, your love life, your career, but in fantasy baseball, the unknown is not necessarily better.
Brock Holt – Chest Rockwell likes Brock’s ability to slot into different positions, and so should you.
Wilmer Flores – All kidding aside, I feel bad for Wilmer Flores’s wife. “Wilmer, I forget to get milk for the coffee.” First, sniffles, then Wilmer looks away, grabbing at his leg, trying to contain his emotions, then…The dam breaks, tears flowing like the Colorado River at a level 5 rapids. His wife sighs, handing him a towel. She adds, “I’m done buying you tissues.” The sobs hit harder than before, “Wilmer, get it together, you’re scaring the kids!”
Ryan Schimpf – There’s not much here in the big picture, but there’s two days left before the break, so how big of a picture do you need? You want me to paint you a gee-dee mural?
Lonnie Chisenhall – He went 4-for-5 one game this week and 5-for-8 in another game. Two weeks ago, he had a 4-for-4 game. He also has three homers across two weeks. In short, he’s hot. Shorter, Altuve.
Cody Asche – I was mentioning this on our last podcast, it’s important to have a few rotating spots in your lineup so you can add a hot bat to go into your team, especially if you have a bunch of cold players you can’t drop. Mix the hot with the cold, or like Selena Gomez says in Hands to Myself, “All of the downs and the uppers keep making love to each other.”
Jose Reyes – Or go with the Ho offer above from Rudy Gamble, and drop Reyes like his Jarritos sponsor.
Marcus Semien – Not owning Semien doesn’t make you impotent, needing to think about Giancarlo hitting home runs for your fantasy team, does that, but, on our Player Rater, Semien has been a top 100 overall player. I will say Razzball readers are much smarter than your average bear since he’s only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues, but on our Player Rater it shows he’s owned in 98% of our leagues.
Trea Turner – The Nationals’ front office has been switching out Dusty’s noise cancelling headphones with headphones playing Proud Mary to subliminally get him agree to call up Turner, and it seems to have worked. Turner will be used in center, short and 2nd base. In other words, probably a bench bat for Dusty. I’d still grab him to see if he gets the playing time.
Didi Gregorius – He’s been hitting well, because Gregorius D.I.D. is sicka than you average Detroit players, and he puts his Timbs down for some old-ass hooligans in the Bronx.
Tim Anderson – Whether you pick him up this week or not, this is the last time I’m saying to buy him. I’m done, you hear me? Done! That’s right, the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) doesn’t mess around.
Aaron Judge – I just gave you my Aaron Judge fantasy. On a side note about rookies, it seems like the rookies that do really well when they first come up are the ones that come out of nowhere, and the rookies that arrive with hype, do nothing. Though, I’m admittedly ignoring all rookies that were highly touted and did well immediately.
Peter Bourjos – Yes, he’s been hot, but as the Hitter-Tron would point out, the Phils are in Coors this weekend. The Hitter-Tron would also like to point out that pile of scrap metal, that’s its new girlfriend.
Max Kepler – Here’s something we can revisit in five years (because we will totally remember this in five years, and this is assuming Trump becomes president to avoid a war with Mexico), who will be better over the next five years: Kepler or Buxton? Wouldn’t shock me to see it be Kepler. He was no slouch of a prospect himself.
Joakim Soria – I grabbed Soria in one league, but only after Kelvin was taken. Though, I likely would’ve grabbed Soria first anyway. It’s prolly a straight committee while Davis is out, and Davis may only be out a week, so it depends on your threshold for SAGNOF and the possibility of massive runs like your team has Montezuma’s Revenge on whether you grab Soria.
Carlos Estevez – Carlos Sheen is the closer in Colorado and there doesn’t seem to be any indication that he won’t be in a month’s time.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – I just went over him this morning. It was glorious! Or just acceptable, depending on your mood. You can be so moody!
Anthony DeSclafani – He should be owned in all leagues until he’s no longer doing well. Yelp review of this blurb, “Blunt, to the point, I really enjoyed it, but the parking was atrocious and the hostess doesn’t seem like she wants to be there. One star.”
Carlos Gonzalez – The Rockies are open to trading CarGo, and he wants to go. You know how I know? The Rockies denied wanting to trade him. Yeah, because who’s going to give them any sort of return if it’s obvious he wants to leave Colorado. This reminds me of the mouse in the cheese store that wanted to get traded to the rat poison store. CarGo sees a skull and crossbones and he’s excited? Hey, CarGo, you wanna sabotage yourself? That’s cool, but don’t be sabotaging my fantasy team! I put a good 167 hours a week into this thing! What? A man’s gotta sleep. In home games in his career, CarGo’s hitting 70 points higher and has 44 more homers. He’s played exactly one less home game than away game in his career. Some of those home games were in Oaktown before Beane traded him away (that won’t be in the Moneyball sequel), but it’s obvious what Coors does to a player. I wouldn’t trade Cargo for a whiff of Guy Fieri’s frosted hair, but I would explore options.