With Tyler Glasnow being called up, let’s go over what we know so far about him. 1) In Triple-A, he had 113 Ks in only 96 IP. 2) He had a 1.78 ERA. 3) There’s no C, since we’re not even lettering these facts. D) And now we are lettering them, great! E) Glasnow enters to bagpipes and wears a kilt on the mound. F) This. I didn’t get him in one single league! G) Money. H) His command in Triple-A was wonky as all get-out — 4.9 BB/9. I) could see some major blowups if he loses command of the strike zone. J) abba the Hut failed with the Cookie Diet. K) Glasnow likely won’t pitch an entire season. L) M, N, O P Q) How many innings? Arrgh) Likely close to 50 IP S)o that’s still into September. T) for two! U) The letter U looks like Jon Niese looking down. V) What a great show! Remake it, again! W) Should officially change its name to Dubya. X) Marks that one spot where the two lines intersect or the entire area of the X? Y) Cause. Z) Yes, I’d grab Glasnow in all leagues. Prospector Ralph even ranked Glasnow number two for all the 2nd half fantasy baseball prospects, so you know shizz is real. AA) My name is Grey Albright– Oh, we’re done with the lettering. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gerrit Cole – Threw three scoreless innings in Triple-A. He should be ready to go the first game back after the All-Star Game, assuming there is a 2nd half and the All-Star Game isn’t tied in the 18th inning when a secret clause is revealed that was inserted into the MLB rules and regulations that says, “In case of a tie after the 17th inning, Bud Selig’s toupee gets to hit for the NL. Go Brewers!” Leaving Our Commissioner Manfred to make one of his three-month long decisions on whether to let Selig’s toupee bat or end the game in a tie.
Francisco Cervelli – As he recovers from a fractured hand, he was able to catch 61 pitches yesterday. A 62nd pitch would’ve been like a mint for Mr. Creosote.
David Freese – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .296. All these years Freese just needed some self-esteem by being placed in a favorable spot in the lineup. Or he’s getting hella lucky. I’m gonna go with the latter, like Altuve getting his cereal.
Matt Carpenter – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury. I’d find someone else to put your fantasy team’s Ikea furniture together, because Carpenter’s going to be unavailable.
Aledmys Diaz – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .319. It’s starting to get fun looking at the Player Rater to see where guys are. For shortstops, Diaz is just behind Trevor Story in fantasy value and just in front of Correa. Fo’reals.
Matt Harvey – Hit the DL with a sore shoulder. Specifically, the Mets called it a ‘sore vagina from pitching too much last year.’ The Mets and Harvey are on great terms, huh? I bet Scott Boras put a flaming bag of poop on Terry Collins’s front stoop. This is obviously terrible news, but it’s not a surprise. Harvey hasn’t been right all season, and, my guess is, he won’t be right the rest of the season either.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Whatever Matz, Syndergaard and Harvey are eating for their arms, shoulders, elbows, don’t eat it, deGrom! In fact, study what the triumvirate of arm issues are doing, and do the opposite, deGrom!
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4 and two homers (6, 7). This comes just days after his 6-for-6 game. Flores will wilt in the summer sun unless he gets lots of water. Luckily, he cries about everything. I’ve been a fan of Flores for a while — he has 15+ HR power — but this is obviously a hot streak.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3 and two homers (18, 19), which comes a day after a two-homer game. Oh, it’s on like his donkey dong going deep, deep, deep– I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought.
Tommy La Stella – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. That’s Tommy La Stella of a career .099 ISO in 164 games. He hit fifth in the order yesterday. Mean’s while, Addison Russell languishes in the seven hole.
David Ross – Hit the 7-day concussion list after taking a foul tip off his mask. Rocky Dennis would’ve bounced right back!
Zack Cozart – 2-for-5 and his 14th homer, 3rd homer in as many games. So hard to know who’s going to be hot coming out of the break, but going into the last few days, Cozart is without a doubt one of the hottest schmotatoes.
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Absolutely no reason to not own him at this point. Do I think it continues? Aw, heck no, but can’t you go start by start? Do you plan on falling into a coma before his next start and coming out in September?
Jay Bruce – Sat out yesterday with the affliction that is affecting a lot of weaker teams right now, the ol’ “You’re sitting so you can stay healthy until we can trade you.”
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Ervin hasn’t been in a zone like that since the late-80s when Kurt Rambis used to wait outside of his bedroom for discards. Solid game from Santana, obviously, but I’d still use the Stream-o-Nator for him.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 5.16. In the parenthesis says all you need to know. This was not a good start vs. the Twins, even though the earned runs were down. Four BBs vs. 5 Ks is the new blech.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .352. Watch Maybin have one of those years where he doesn’t qualify for the batting title until the last few weeks of the season, and then suddenly is in a race for it. Larry Walker seemed to have a bunch of these, and dead bodies in his backyard.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .307. Are you not entertained?!
Michael Fulmer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.11. Clamor, clamor for Taillon, Glasnow, Giolito and Urias but Fulmer comes out of nowhere and librarians the critics.
Josh Tomlin – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.51. Here’s the problem with Tomlin. He doesn’t strike out anyone, so if he gets unlucky on BABIP or LOB% or anything, he’s screwed. Okay, so any pitcher is screwed if they get unlucky, but without Ks, it opens you up more.
Julio Teheran – Could return to the rotation on Saturday. Plus, Trump added, Teheran is the Cambridge of terror.
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.92. I streamed him for this start vs. the Braves, and I’d do it again! If he were facing the Braves, that is. Against a major league team? Prolly not.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .262. That was his 4th homer in the last four games. Still disappointed with him? Oh, you’re not? Can I get a fickleback with my shot of wishy-washy?
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (5), hitting .221. A celebration for his big day with all of his fantasy owners was held in the backseat of a Mini Cooper. Everyone fit, too.
Marco Estrada – Hit the 15-day DL with back discomfort. A cortisone shot he had the other day didn’t help his back, but he can now hit 550-foot homers.
Marcus Stroman – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.89. This game was against the Royals. Usually I point out who a pitcher is facing to either wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo, that the team is either very good or very bad. I point out the Royals, and I used to think they were good, but, man, is that team bad. Merrifield, Cuthbert, Orlando, Eibner, Escobar, Dyson…They’re a who’s who of who would be scared of them? As for Stroman, he had his ERA down to around 4.80 on June 4th, then was awful for month, and now he’s back down there. What I’m saying is, there’s no guarantee he’s turned a corner.
Kris Medlen – Shut down with a shoulder issue. Someone just needs to put some rubber bands on the brim of his hat. He can’t handle the pressures of keeping the flat-billed pitchypus from going extinct.
Taijuan Walker – Hit the DL with a foot issue. For what it’s worth, it’s not from my foot in his ass for ruining my ERA the other day.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.38. This guy’s first name should be Michael-oh-el. Cause he’s a freakin’ joke. Are the Ks really worth it? I’m beginning to think nice peripherals is like saying a girl has a nice personality. Yeah, Pineda’s got nice peripherals, but I don’t want to sleep with him.
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-4 and his 5th steal. Yeah, yeah, Didi’s hot, but one more thing about Pineda. When I went to grab dinner, he had a perfect game through one inning and I legit thought that was a possibility. I’m such a moron!
Miguel Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.39. Because I can’t stop with Pineda, Miguel Gonzalez, who is absolutely terrible, one of the worst pitchers in baseball, and he’s been better than Pineda! Dubya tee eff!?
Steven Souza – 1-for-4 as he was returned to the lineup. He was pulled on Tuesday due to lack of hustle on a triple. Damn, Kevin Cash is a tough manager. Don’t hit homers that land in the front row of the bleachers. Hit bombs or stay home!
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .295. I know, I know, even if he’s going well, you don’t want him. I’ll move on.
Drew Smyly – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 5.47. Can we ship Smyly, Pineda, Rodon and Taijuan off to the same prep school to get yelled at by the dad from Homeland but in his Scent of a Woman principal character? *Googles* Oh, he passed away. Damn, now I’m sad. You make me sad, Smyly!
C.J. Wilson – Will have season-ending surgery on his shoulder. The weight of his dandruff was finally too much.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (14). Member when in the preseason people were like, “Mike Trout’s not stealing anymore. Bleh bleh bleh, you suck!” Yeah, looks like the Trout can still swim.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. Shaw is hitting over .300 in the last week with two homers. He’s owned in a few too many leagues for schmotato status — or simply schmatus — but if Shaw’s available, he’s worth grabbing, assuming his left foot bruise he left with is fine.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .287. He’s gonna be a good one, maybe even great one, but, for this year, he’s been about as valuable as Colby Rasmus.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-3 and his 20th homer, hitting .308. Safe bet to say Cano is going to get to 20 homers this year. You heard it here first!
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Seager always gets the same number of homers, 26, but I’d say the smart money is on him passing that this year. Fun fact! I draw glasses on George Washington so I can say I have smart money.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Snooze! Where’s Contreras?!
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. On Tuesday I said something like, “Yo, yo, yo, Valbuena homered, and now you know he’s gonna homer again, because he do what he do.” And you were like, “What the hell am I reading here, this guy is a straight stunod.” Yeah, well, Valbuena hit another homer as I said. So, who’s the jackhole now?!
Dae-Ho Lee – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer. He’s hitting over .300 in the last week, and has two homers. Not bad for Dae-Ho. No offense.
Brandon Drury – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Yeah, yeah, but what did Lamb do?! Oh, snap! Lamb (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 20th homer. That ball went baaaaaaah, baaaaaaah, baaaaaaahck.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 7.14. GM Dave Stewart said, “As long as he keep raising his ERA, we’re happy.” Then a bunch of his assistants just shook their heads.
Ryan Schimpf – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers. He homered on Tuesday too, and I saw it, but there was no way I was mentioning Schimpf. Now, he’s homered two days in a row and I’m looking at his profile. He’s five-nine soaking wet, and five-nine bone dry too. There’s only room for one jumbo Schimpf and that’s Altuve. Schimpf looks like he has 15-homer power and is a utility player. On the Padres. Quite the exciting profile. If only he had an STD too, to round out his attractive qualities.
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. Still hitting over-.400 in the last two weeks, still hot schmotato’ing.
Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.47. He was awful the last half of last year, but that’s not a reason to sell him this year, that’s just a reason to be further disappointed with Samardzija for not turning around his 2015.
Buster Posey – 1-for-3 and a slam (11) and legs (5), hitting .289. Is it me or does it feel like certain guys hit a bunch of homers and then you look up and they have so many fewer than you expect? Posey has less homers than Brad Miller. Oh. Huh?
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .258. It wasn’t easy to rank him in my top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming next week. But, ya know what, it should’ve been easy.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Rudy still owns Zimmerman in our RCL league while he has Jo-Fer, Syndergaard and Scherzer. Please, go into the comments of the Stream-o-Nator and tell him to trade one of his pitchers for a power bat. He’s barely in front of JayWrong in HRs, and JayWrong has Byung-Ho Park in his starting lineup, David Wright on his bench and Tulo in his DL.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, a steal of home. It was a double steal with Lucroy (2-for-4, 1 RBI, 4th steal) and Jose Lobaton (1-for-3 and his 2nd homer) isn’t quite as fleet-footed as even a name with ‘ton’ would indicate.
Clayton Kershaw – Played catch on Wednesday. News didn’t specify, but I have to think it was catch with a baseball and glove, not an Oreo into a large man’s mouth.
Andre Ethier – Dave Roberts said Ethier could return around August 2nd. He also said the moon is around 238,855 miles away. Nobody guesstimates like Dave Roberts!
Bud Norris – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.98 vs. Kevin Gausman 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. I was at yesterday’s game (more on that in Machado’s blurb), so let me alleviate any fears that you might have about someone beating you to waivers to get Norris and Gausman. They both looked so whatever, and I was about 75 feet away. Though it felt like five feet on foul balls. Stephen King may not want a fence around MLB parks, but that’s because he’s into people getting bloodied. I’m with the Japanese, the front rows fans should wear a helmet.
Mark Trumbo – 3-for-6, 3 runs and two homers (25, 26). Enjoy the Home Run Derby, Trumbo! I hope it curses you like I do every day.
Manny Machado – 1-for-6, 1 run, hitting .321. Wanna give a shout-out to Jimbo Davis, a friend of Razzball and of frequent commenter/contributor Teddy Heater, who took me to the Dodgers game yesterday. We were in the very front row on the 3rd base side. I heard Machado’s birthday was yesterday, so I was attempting to make plans with him all game for his bday. The video below is a very small portion of that. The highlight was, right after one of my birthday planning sesses, he chucked his gum at us and Teddy Heater tried to save the gum to get Machado’s DNA. Not sure if it was to take it to a fertility clinic or to frame him for a crime.