A Dozen Ks Ain’t Bad For Amir Rookie

April 20, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 520 Comments

Amir Garrett, or as he’s commonly referred to as, Muslim Mrs. Garrett, took Natalie, Jo, Blair, Tootie and that little white kid, who no one remembers, to school last night. Muslim Mrs. Garrett was like, “Listen, child, I’m your boss while you’re in this park and I’m going to rule over you with sweet motherly affection, but an iron fist like you get from a male Gulag prisoner.” Yesterday, he straight dazzled — 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.83. MMG is so out of nowhere I feel like we need to start at the beginning. He was born– Okay, flash forward Lost-style and they’re off the island and Garrett is a former basketball player, so his age isn’t as old as it seems for his development level. I think because of that he could also sneak up on people. His control gets wonky at times, and he doesn’t read as a strikeout pitcher, but there he was doing just that last night. He could surprise some people, but A) Reds and their ballpark. B) Rookie. C) There’s no C. To take this back to 80’s sitcoms, there could be some Boners along the way through Growing Pains, but I’d grab him if you feel like Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, or can just handle the risk. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Desmond’s Hand Is Too Too Broken

March 13, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Notes | 255 Comments

by: Grey

I hate early drafts. There’s absolutely no skill involved in drafting on March 3rd and avoiding Ian Desmond due to a broken hand that hasn’t happened yet. It’s like not getting on a subway car and you end up marrying a Cougar vs. Coldplay’s Chris Martin and you keep forgetting your Apple ID so you can’t download a song you really want to hear vs. getting free iPhones hand-delivered by Bono. Admittedly, I never saw the movie, Sliding Doors, but I picture the plot being something like that. I want to marry Chris Martin and get iBonos! Man, this effin’ sucks. Looks like I’m going to have to battle just a wee bit harder in Yahoo’s Friends & Family draft where I took Desmond. *cries uncontrollably* But I don’t want to battle harder! The tears running down my face have fallen onto my desk and are spelling out, “Why can’t you have anything mice?” Mice? What the hell are you talking about tears? I’ve updated my top 20 overall, top 100 and my top 60 outfielders. The Fantasy Baseball War Room is updated, and, since Mark Reynolds will be the Rockies’ 1st baseman, I’ve updated the top 20 1st basemen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Top 100 Outfielders for 2017 Fantasy Baseball

January 31, 2017 | Fantasy Baseball Rankings | 207 Comments

by: Grey

Yasmany Tomas, Odubel Herrera, Nomar Mazara. What do those players have in common? Guys that were in last year’s top 100 outfielders post that made it out like this is Orange is the New Black and those guys were Taystee. Only then Taystee got reincarcerated and brought with her that badass b*tch Vee, and Vee then started running shizz and that white ho, who the show was originally about that is annoying AF, started getting institutionalized with panty-selling and lez ho’ing and–Well, anyway, you get the point. There’s not a ton of sunshine in this top 100 outfielders, but occasionally you do get glimmers of hope. All the 2017 fantasy baseball rankings are under that link-ma-whosie. As always, my projections and tiers are included. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Taijuanasaurus Wrecks Angels

September 14, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 220 Comments

by: Grey

“Is this Men on the Move Moving Company? Great. I have a small problem. Okay, it’s not small. But it is a problem. I have a ‘hype sleeper’ sitting here and I’m trying to move sixteen posts in front of it. You can handle the job? That’s great! Can I get hyphens between each post too? I can? Wow, you guys are lifesavers.” *comes in to see* Hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-hype-post-sleep-hyper. What the hell is this?! I wanted sixteen posts in front of hype sleeper! Not this gobbledygook! So, Taijuan Walker flashed some of that post¹⁶-hype sleeper business last night — 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks — to lower his ERA to 4.28. It was an easy matchup (vs. Angels), but it still showed why year after year I keep going back to Walker. He is talented. Can anyone say seventeen posts for 2017? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Miller’s Stat Filling, Tastes Great!

August 18, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 362 Comments

by: Grey

Twenty-six years after my Lord and Savior, Reggie Jackson, retired from professional baseball to collect cars, full-length fur coats and start a business where you use cocktail franks as cocktail stirrers, I saw a young Mariner by the name of Brad Miller. To this day, when you Google “Brad Miller sleeper,” you still see archival footage of Grey’s massive excitement — that’s not what she said! I was jazzed back in 2013 because Miller had hit 20 HRs, stole 11 bases and over .300 between the majors and minors. Then 2014 and 2015 happened, Miller did nothing, and I retreated into my cubby hole of snack food that I eat out of sight from my Cougar wife. “I’m snacking on kale, baby doll!” “Grey, you sound louder than usual.” I was being amplified due to eating a nacho cheese Bugle. Finally, this year I was sure not to own Miller anywhere. So, of course, he breaks out. Yesterday, Brad Miller went 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, 5th homer this week, while hitting .265. On our 30-day Player Rater, Miller is 5th most valuable for hitters. The top 4 –> Blackmon, Hamilton, Braun, Betts. Yeah, pretty good company, like Reggie’s cocktail frank stirrers’ company, The Dog That Stirs The Drink, Inc. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Orlando’s Story Begins, While Another Story Ends

August 3, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 704 Comments

by: Grey

Stashed Orlando Arcia in a few of my deepest leagues back in March. What a waste. Well, 59 games left — guess that’s something. If he Lindors. No idea why he hadn’t been called up until now. Milwaukee’s 3rd base position has been bratwurst casings all year and Jonathan Villar plays shortstop like the guy who hacks the meat to fill those casings. Were the Brewers afraid Arcia would’ve been too confused by the fact Will Smith was white? Did they need to first move Jeffress due to language stipulations? “Wait until we trade Jeffress — he might hurt his tongue saying the R’s in Orlando Arcia’s name. Remember Higuera hit the DL when he yelled Robin Yount.” If the Brewers didn’t drag their heels worse than the kielbasa in the sausage race after he bet five-large on the chorizo, I would’ve had Arcia months ago! *takes deep breath* Okay, I’m good. So, what can we expect from Arcia? A little pop and solid speed — think Jean Segura or Villar over the course of the final two months. Yes, I’d grab him if I were hurting at shortstop. Speaking of hurting at shortstop (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!), Trevor Story hit the DL with a torn UCL in his thumb, and will be out for the season. Colorado already has DL forms with SS written in. Just have to cross out Tulo for Story. Save that piece of paper for rolling! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Aroldis As Cub: Same Cheese, Thicker Crust

July 26, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 485 Comments

by: Grey

In 1906, the Cubs won a major league record 116 games. In 1907 and 1908, the Cubs won back-to-back World Series championships. Anticipating a third championship in 1909, a young, enterprising Chicago man bought up all the toilet paper in Chicago, planning on selling the toilet paper back to the celebrators for twice the amount of money for their ticker tape parade. The Cubs never won again, but it turned out people still needed toilet paper in their everyday life. So, he still sold it back to them at a huge markup. Now, most people would’ve been annoyed with this man, but he was so charming, which later became Charmin. A titan of industry. So, with this in mind, I’ve invested my life savings in toilet paper, and will sell it back to Cubs’ fans this October. I’m gonna make money, y’all! By the way, Cubs could be World Series champs within days of Donald Trump becoming president, that fallout shelter doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. As for Aroldis Chapman, the trade was completed yesterday with him going to the Cubs for a bunch of prospects. This kills Hector Rondon’s value for redraft leagues, since he’ll be pushed into the setup role with Aroldis closing. Whereas in New York, Andrew Miller goes from a top setup man to a top five closer. Now, here’s hoping for an Indians/Cubs World Series so I win either way with all of this TP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

5-Day Sale — All Throwbacks Must Go!

July 25, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 535 Comments

by: Grey

The White Sox were due to wear throwback jerseys on Saturday, and Chris Sale didn’t want to wear them. The White Sox refused to relent, so Sale took it upon himself to do something. Cut to, ahem, ten minutes later and Sale was sent home for throwing a temper tantrum and cutting up all the throwback uniforms. The most surprising thing in this story: the White Sox clubhouse had a pair of lefty scissors. After Sale cut up the White Sox 1976 uniforms, Chet Lemon weighed in, saying, “It was a tough uniform to rock. The guys on the 1983 team thought they had a reviled uniform. At least in 1983, you could strut around like a peacock, which they called Paciorek’ing, due to the grace of teammate Tom Paciorek. In 1976, they dressed me up like a lawn jockey. That shizz was offensive!” For his antics, Chris Sale was suspended for five games by the White Sox. That’s the last time he tries to introduce a cutter without talking to the pitching coach. Now, if the Red Sox trade for Sale, their top two starters could help win back the casual Jewish Red Sox fan who checked out after Youk and Theo left. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Polanco Declares Indongpendence Twice

July 5, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 469 Comments

by: Grey

Hey, Razzball Nation, you know it’s your favorite white boy, right? I owe you this one. I’ve been patiently waiting for Gregory Polanco to explode on. You can pfft if you want but his ankles were rolled on. It feels like Polanco has been hot for so long. If you thinking he’s gonna fall off, you’re so wrong. Take some Marte and Polanc and you mix them up in a pot, sprinkle a ‘little Hurdle not knowing who to bat where,’ and what you got? You got the realest and illest batters, juggernauts of this fantasy shizz like it or not! Seriously, I’ve been waiting all season to feature Polanco in a lede. Yesterday, he rained some of his own fireworks on the 4th of who-lie (that’s how I pronounce it), knocking out two home runs (2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers), and you might remember from my preseason rankings, this little beaut, “Two quick things: Yes, I’m aware that Polanco is ranked insanely high in my rankings vs. other people’s rankings. And, yes, I’m going to own Polanco on every team. Confession Alert! I had Polanco in the top 20 overall prior to seeing where others ranked him and moved him down a round. I could’ve moved him down six rounds and still had him higher than everyone. Polanco feels like an Arenado situation from last year. By that I mean, I will say something to another fantasy baseball ‘pert like, “Do you like Polanco?” They’ll reply, “Yeah, I love him.” I’ll follow up with, “Then why do you have him ranked 110 overall?” They’ll answer, “I don’t know.” Then my head will explode.” And that’s me mic dropping. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Captain Nimmo Summoned When Superior Caught Conforto’ing With Enemy

June 27, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 580 Comments

by: Grey

On Saturday, Michael Conforto was demoted to the minors. Ouch. Not only did he fall far from preseason expectations, but he seemed to be breaking out in April. Coming out of April, he had 4 HRs and a .365 average. In May and June, he hit .169 and .119 and, finally, the Mets threw in the towel just as Conforto’s head was bouncing on the canvas. Shame, isn’t it? Not a shame, a product of not being able to hit. I’m sure he’ll be back at some point, but you can drop him in all but the deepest dynasty leagues. In his place came, Brandon Nimmo. Okay, let’s get them out of the way up front. The Mets are finding Nimmo in a sea of prospects. The Mets aren’t finding Drury because he’s on a different team. Is Nimmo the Mets’ outfield fixar? That’s a clown fish question, bro. Nimmo’s minor league numbers look dynamite, but that’s because he was playing in the PCL, which is like playing on the moon with an aluminum bat. He had five homers, five steals and a .331 average. That seems to be his profile more or let’s be generous, maybe 10/15/.280. Sounds downright Lagaresque. Outside of deep mixed leagues and NL-Only, I’d ignore for now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

LeBron Ends Cleveland Shutouts, Kluber Throws ‘Em

June 22, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 541 Comments

by: Grey

Evidently, Corey Kluber made some sort of promise to the city of Cleveland too, and not just to Kl-Uber Drew Carey home any time he sees him drunk-wandering in downtown Cleveland. Yesterday, Kluber went 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA at 3.59. So, I’m going to get completely unscientific, then scientific, then mix the two, Grey says sounding like Don Herbert. (If you knew who Don Herbert was, you are old and a nerd.) Unscientifically, Kluber will have an ERA around 3.60 this year. He’ll throw a gem, get the ERA down to 3.40, then throw a stinker and the ERA will rise. It will go on like this all year, because that’s what he’s done so far. Then he will figure out if he drops his arm angle a little, due to the earth being flat, it will add more spin and he’ll have an ERA under zero in September. Again, that was unscientific. Scientifically, his peripherals looks as good as any previous year. His velocity is a notch off previous seasons, but his 9 K-rate, 1.9 BB/9 and 3.27 xFIP are excellent. So, he should be better than he has been, and could end up with a 3.20 ERA with 250 Ks. Now, to mix the two methods, Kluber will match his 3.27 xFIP, and on off days, picket Phil Collins’ house with Carl Everett, with a sign reading, “The Book of Genesis Doesn’t Have Liner Notes.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Papel Schism With Intercostal Church

June 15, 2016 | Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 507 Comments

by: Grey

Jonathan Papelbon hit the DL and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Though, I’m using the archaic definition of nicer. An adjective which was once described a jerk off who went to Nice, France and hurled insults. Example, A nicer man would stand on the curb as Gerard Depardieu passed on his bicycle, screaming, “You are the fattest frog I’ve ever seen and I once force fed a frog to make frog foie gras.” Filling in for Papelbon will be Shawn Kelley and Felipe Rivero. Rivero is a lefty, so his best hope for saves is a 9th inning that is lefty heavy like my Facebook feed from my Bernie Sanders-supporting friends. Of course, Dusty said he wouldn’t commit to any one replacement because Dusty’s gonna Dusty. He cited other possible candidates to close like Blake Treinen and Sammy Solis. I wonder if Dusty knows that’s not the slugger he once managed in Chicago. “Sammy Solis, you came up short with McGwire, but I need you to close out this game. By the way, go easier on the skin whitening.” That’s Dusty while juggling the toothpick in his mouth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?