Twenty-six years after my Lord and Savior, Reggie Jackson, retired from professional baseball to collect cars, full-length fur coats and start a business where you use cocktail franks as cocktail stirrers, I saw a young Mariner by the name of Brad Miller. To this day, when you Google “Brad Miller sleeper,” you still see archival footage of Grey’s massive excitement — that’s not what she said! I was jazzed back in 2013 because Miller had hit 20 HRs, stole 11 bases and over .300 between the majors and minors. Then 2014 and 2015 happened, Miller did nothing, and I retreated into my cubby hole of snack food that I eat out of sight from my Cougar wife. “I’m snacking on kale, baby doll!” “Grey, you sound louder than usual.” I was being amplified due to eating a nacho cheese Bugle. Finally, this year I was sure not to own Miller anywhere. So, of course, he breaks out. Yesterday, Brad Miller went 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, 5th homer this week, while hitting .265. On our 30-day Player Rater, Miller is 5th most valuable for hitters. The top 4 –> Blackmon, Hamilton, Braun, Betts. Yeah, pretty good company, like Reggie’s cocktail frank stirrers’ company, The Dog That Stirs The Drink, Inc. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nick Franklin – Was hit by the backswing of his teammate’s bat in the on-deck circle. “Now, I told everyone, and I was pretty clear, always look behind you before swinging your bat.” That’s a Little League coach in 2003, the last time this happened.
Chris Archer – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Due to an abundance of saves, in June, I traded Carlos Estevez to Rudy for DJ LeMahieu. Right after, I traded K-Rod (still too many saves) and LeMahieu (I own Altuve) for Chris Archer, I received this email from Pianowski, “Was there undisclosed cash in that Archer deal?” Meaning, of course, I’m an idiot, which is still debatable. Since the trade, Archer’s numbers: 3 Wins, 3.70 ERA, 1.09 WHIP and 83 Ks in 70 2/3 IP. With DJ hitting near-.500 in the month of August, maybe that deal isn’t a slam dunk, but I think it shows William Goldman’s axiom about Hollywood, “Nobody knows anything,” holds true for fantasy.
Colin Rea – Opted against Tommy John surgery. One opts against staying at a Ramada Inn that is hosting a Brony convention. One doesn’t opt against Tommy John when you need it.
Yasiel Puig – Hitting near-.500 in a week of Triple-A. Stills of three of his hits he cropped into a photo montage with one picture of his bare butt and he Snapchat’d to all his friends.
Rich Hill – Will throw a simulated game on Thursday. His plan is to give his blister three Ambiens, throw the game real fast, and finish before the blister wakes.
Justin Turner – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Turner’s gonna end the year with 27 homers and next year will still go undrafted in some leagues. Bet you five imaginary dollars.
Scott Kazmir – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.41. This game was vs. the Phils, and the Dodgers piled on the runs for Kazmir making it a cakewalk, which is Matt Adams’ favorite type of exercise, and Kazmir still nearly fell through the icing.
Vince Velasquez – Will make “3 or 4 more starts” this season, according to Phils’ manager, Pete Macktheknife. Pretty cool quote. Maybe he can get into Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations. “3 or 4 more starts” — Pete Macktheknife, 2016. Brilliant!
Aaron Nola – Phils announced he’s officially done. FEMA would’ve been quicker declaring Nola a disaster area.
Tommy Joseph – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .252. ToJo! Who let the dogs out?! No, really, a few them are rabid without vaccination papers.
Carlos Carrasco – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.34. Some time around the All-Star break, the Indians’ starters made like my Polish neighbor growing up and said, “No can do.” Pre-All-Star break team ERA: 3.63; post-All-Star break team ERA: 4.32.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. On the reverse tip, Indians’ post-All-Star break team OPS is .810, which is best in the majors.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4 and a slam (26) and legs (5). Oye como yay!
Cody Allen – 1/3 IP, 5 ER and the blown save. Damn, that blown save was like a case of explosive diarrhea. Know why? Eaton, that grand salami! High five the crap out of me! C’mon! Okay, we’ll hold off on the high-five. So, Allen looked awful, just too bad the Indians have no on else in their pen that can close games. Ow! Sorry, eye roll headache.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .274. The more he hits, the lower in the order he’s batting. Yesterday, 8th. In related news, concussion tests were flimsy back when Robin Ventura was noogied by Nolan Ryan.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, as previously mentioned a grand slam off Allen. Eaton has three homers in the last ten games and two homers in the last three games and one homer in the last game. Okay, you get the point.
Zack Wheeler – After reporting discomfort, as he rehabs from Tommy John, his elbow was checked and the Mets reported there was “nothing devastating” found. All they found was a newspaper from the future dated, November 9th, with the headline, “Trump and Clinton Both Lose.” Wait, that’s wrong. They found a flexor strain, which they say isn’t bad. Yeah, sure, Mets.
Rubby de la Rosa – Decided to rehab his elbow injury rather than have Dr. James Andrews operating on it. And, now, Dr. James Andrews can’t have Beluga caviar on his Wagyu beef burger. I hope you’re happy, Rubby!
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and two homers (7, 8). Sonavabench! Don’t even ask why I not only own Weeks but also don’t have him in my lineup. It’s a deep league, all right?
Yasmany Tomas – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homers, and 17th homer in the last 5 games. Do you get points for homers on waivers? Cause if you do, you can continue to ignore Yasmany.
Tyler Skaggs – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.19. Okay, I’m done trying this whole Skaggs thing.
Yunel Escobar – 5-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. It’s almost like he was facing Skaggs.
Alex Gordon – 1-for-2, and his 10th homer. Yesterday, I called him a hot schmotato due to his .400-plus average over the last week. Today, I’m saying he also has homers in two straight.
Yordano Ventura – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.46. His ERA is an even 3 since the All-Star break in 45 IP. He’s also been in zero melees in that time. Coinkidink? Probably not. Speaking of which, I Googled “coinkidink” for spelling and the dictionary had listed as an example of use, “It is no big “coinkidink” that mom is dead and that the dad has the three kids,” from Nancy Grace. I coinkidink you not. The Stream-o-Nator didn’t love Ventura’s start yesterday, but it slightly more optimistic about his next one, though just barely.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Thank you, Jesus Alou, for making Hosmer hot.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.94. Yeah, and his last start was 8 ER in 4 IP and now E! is cancelling ‘I Am Anibal.’
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .303. True story, I wore the number 22 in Little League because I would say, “I’m half the player of Reggie Jackson,” and I used to write him birthday cards on May 18th, always signing it, “May your future be as bright as the sun.”
David Price – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.19. I’m going to say this was a form of serendiPPDy, because rain had the game called after six before Price was able to fall apart in the later innings.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .284. It’s always interesting (to me at least) the guys that play for big market teams, but don’t get the same hype. I bet JBJ will be drafted way later than he should be next year. No idea why, and I’m contraceptive to ideas like an IUD.
Sandy Leon – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .383. How awesome would it be if he carried a .450 BABIP for the next ten years? Fangraphs would need to rethink all of their equations.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 19th steal, hitting .317. Giancarlo and I decided we’d have an open relationship if he were ever sidelined, so it’s fine that I want to do weird things to Betts.
Chris Davis – 1-for-2 and his 25th homer, hitting .220. He’s been the dog’s breakfast recently, but he’s also the type to hit ten homers in two weeks.
Kevin Pillar – Says he will return on August 23rd. Further saying, my word is my bond, and my bond is my word, and I’m a Pillar made of alabaster, so you should trust that.
Josh Donaldson – Left yesterday’s game with a jammed thumb after getting into a relatively lukewarm argument with manager, John Gibbons. Don’t come into Yankee Stadium with that weaksauce arguing or the Ghost of Billy Martin will spray whiskey in front of a Zippo lighter and Hulk-smash some skulls.
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. Mean’s while, I own Tyler Austin (0-for-4) who is now a lefty platoon guy, apparently. *maniacally grabs coins from a well* This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn’t come true. So I’m taking it back. I’m taking them all back.
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.49. Owning this CC is about as enjoyable as being CC’d on an email chain with 80 other people who think they’re funny. Stop replying all, you are not funny!
Russell Martin – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week. I’ll be a Thelonious Monk’s uncle, Russell John Coltrane Martin is hot.
Melvin Upton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 1st homer as a Jay. I’ve been missing B.J. Not Upton, I don’t own him, I meant due to being married.
J.A. Happ – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Happ leads the majors in wins (17-3). Just as everyone expected in the preseason. Sigh, wins are stupid.
Keon Broxton – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 16th and 17th steals. You are disrespecting the basic tenets of SAGNOF by not picking up Broxton.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. He has four homers in the last ten games, and is worth a looksie if you need a hot schmotato.
Carlos Martinez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.24. He limped (not literally) into this start with some pretty poor results recently (7.36 ERA in August; 5.10 post-ASB), but righted the ship against Altuve, Springer, Correa and the six rookies who can’t hit, as they’re colloquially known.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Member Last Week Grey was so helpful with repeatedly saying to pick up Moss? Let’s catch up with him now. “Go fly a drone! That’s ‘go fly a kite’ for millennials.” Last Week Grey is mean!
Jeremy Hazelbaker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. April called, they want their Hazelbaker back!
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .198. He has hit in 11 of the past 13 games, so he might be coming out of his early call-up funk, which is not a Bruno Mars song. Thankfully!
Angel Pagan – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .297, hitting near-.400 in the last week, and has hit in every game in August. Hot schmotato alert!
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .248. How old do you think McCutchen is? Because you know he’s declining statistically, so he must be getting older. So, how old? 31? 32? He’s 29! Doode’s aged worse than Missy Franklin!
Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 4.92 vs. Homer Bailey – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.66. This was a matchup of two guys that I feel the exact same level of apathy towards. I don’t every pay attention, never stay on topic. I got ADD with these pitchers, if they ain’t about profit.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, hitting .281. OZUNA never drive car home. OZUNA mostly take home run. OZUNA sometimes take brisk walk home.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. There is no ill Coors can’t cure; no wrong Coors can’t right; no stain Coors can’t Didi Seven.
Stephen Strasburg – 1 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.59. Even the marijuana lobby couldn’t convince Washington it’s fun to be high in Colorado. Strasburg’s start was so bad that cops are reflexively calling in Kobe Bryant for questioning. Here’s classic Dusty: Strasburg gives up 7 runs but is left in the game for the 2nd inning even when his turn up to bat comes up in the previous half inning, then is pulled from the game in the 2nd inning when he’s about to face Jon Gray.
Jon Gray – 4 IP, 4 ER. Damn, it hurts so much more when a pitcher is staked to a huge lead and can’t stick it out for five innings. There should be a glossary term for this. Please suggest in the comments.
Tony Wolters – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not bad, but I wish Wolters would return to The View. We miss you, Tony Wawa!
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. Solid game by Rico Suave, but he was simply filling in for a CarGo with a flat.
Miguel Sano – Remained out with his elbow problem that is no problem at all. Just a good-as-new, 100% fine, elbow that needed an MRI.
Jorge Polanco – 3-for-6 and his 3rd steal, hitting .320. Has been batting 2nd, but the three steals over 30 games is where my enthusiasm is at, or lack of, or Jorge Lacko.
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .259. Wow, two straight three-hit nights without a home run. I mean, wow to me. I’m easily amused.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, and 55th and 56th RBI. Looks like Freeman’s going to break the chains of 60 RBIs with a strong assist from Ender Inciarte who’s been hot for a few weeks in front of Freeman. 75 RBIs, which is what he’s on pace for, is still nothing to receive butt pats and whipped cream in the face. I’m gonna start celebrating like ballplayers when my friends do something good and see how they react. “Thanks for picking up the check.” *butt smack, whipped cream face*
Tyler Flowers – Activated from the 15-day DL. Sadly ironic that Flowers returned on the day Arthur Hiller, the director of Love Story, died, because next to flowers, Love Story is the 2nd best way to get some action.