I’ve decided to do something different for this top 60 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball. Instead of listing the players’ names, I’m going to list their favorite cheese course: Muenster, Cheddar, Cheddar, Cheddar, Swiss, Gruyere. Gruyere?! C’mon, Puig! Maybe I should go back to listing players’ names. Yeah, I don’t even remember who Limburger was. Fine! I will rank with names and numbers! As with all of my 2017 fantasy baseball rankings, my projections are included and where I see tiers starting and stopping. Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball:
41. Ender Inciarte – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball. I called this tier, “Not Qaddafi, y’all leadoff-y.” This tier ends here. Here’s what I said this offseason, “(Ender) signed a five-year deal with the Braves. Inciarte is sneaky for fantasy and real baseball value. So sneaky his name tells you he’s In CIA, and you don’t even know he’s covert. He waves his hand in front of his face like John Cena and says, “You can’t see me,” and you really can’t see him. For fantasy, he’s a cheap Eaton. I will call him Eaton at Popeye’s. Not a whole lot of power, but should get a decent average, runs and steals.” And that’s me quoting me! Outfielders conitnue into the top 60 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball. 2017 Projections: 92/7/39/.297/21 in 587 ABs
42. Miguel Sano – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Contreras. I call this tier, “Excitement, but not excitement like IDWTFLISFSITOBHWR.” Just when you thought I’d only use the acronym IDWTFLISFSITOBHWR in two outfielder posts, I bust it out in a third! This is what you call making your writing accessible to new readers. Number of Google searches for IDWTFLISFSITOBHWRA goes from zero to “Ugh, I don’t even wanna try to type that into a Google search.” IDWTFLISFSITOBHWR is explained on the top 20 outfielder post in case you skipped ahead. As for Sano, went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
43. Nomar Mazara – Already gave you my Nomar Mazara sleeper. I wrote it while nailing a Mazara to my doorjamb. 2017 Projections: 72/26/81/.277/2 in 554 ABs
44. Yasmany Tomas – He’s like the Cuban Rodney Dangerfield. I will call him Carlos Dangerfield. What? Too close to someone else’s alias? Everyone’s like Puig this, Puig that, Puig’s fat only it’s spelled phat! He’s the Cuban God of Baseball! Then Yasmany hits 31 homers and .272 in his first full year of at-bats and he’s still not being ranked in front of Puig? Damn, someone needs to give Carlos Dangerfield some respect. Enter Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it). 2017 Projections: 63/25/72/.274/2 in 478 ABs
45. Jose Ramirez – Went over him in the top 20 3rd basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
46. Keon Broxton – Already gave you my Keon Broxton sleeper. It was written while wearing a diaper (don’t ask). 2017 Projections: 64/18/71/.237/31 in 490 ABs
47. Randal Grichuk – Already gave you my Randal Grichuk sleeper. I wrote it while on line for a cronut in 2008. 2017 Projections: 72/28/86/.245/8 in 514 ABs
48. Kole Calhoun – His projections kinda look like a rich man’s Puig. I will call him Pork Belly. My excitement for Calhoun has weaned as he continues to not peak. Guess that means I’m a ‘Pork Belly weanie.’ Why do I still have the slightest bit of interest in the PB Weanie? He’s only 29 and maybe he can get back to the 26+ homer guy I thought he was. 2017 Projections: 84/22/72/.260/2 in 585 ABs
49. Marcell Ozuna – OZUNA need to prove self this year. OZUNA sense people are losing faith. OZUNA gotta have faith. OZUNA can’t believe George Michael die on 12/25. OZUNA really can’t believe George Michael of Sports Machine died on 12/24. OZUNA scared for Michael Cera who play George Michael for next year’s 12/26. 2017 Projections: 78/25/83/.256/1 in 551 ABs
50. Lorenzo Cain – This tier has a little element of Ghost of Past Excitement. Cain was injured last year, yet more or less on pace for the same great season as two years ago, and it fills me with wonder which makes me wonderful. My big concern with Cain…Sugar! is his age. A middle-of-an-order guy is rested, gonna do some time. He got three years now that he’s murdered the ball — is that a crime? A 31-year-old man is caught stealing 24 times. He’s out in the draft and maybe dresses for Halloween as Shaft! And that’s the way it goes, raah! Cain…Sugar! Cain…Sugar! 2017 Projections: 83/14/79/.285/20 in 509 ABs
51. Joc Pederson – Already gave you my Joc Pederson sleeper post. I wrote it while high on The Tussin. 2017 Projections: 72/31/79/.252/10 in 440 ABs
52. Willson Contreras – Already went over him in the top 20 catchers for 2017 fantasy baseball.
53. Jay Bruce – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Puig. I call this tier, “Eat a D.” I just took some truth serum, and I wanna give it to you straight. I want to put on angel wings and walk down a runway during Victoria Secret’s fashion show and tell you, “This is the truth,” then I will envelope you with a light shining so bright it will blind you with beauty and love. Instead, I’m just going to tell you the truth that there are no outfielders in this tier I’m excited about. There will be more in the top 80, but Jay effin’ Bruce and company? They need to eat a D. As for Jay “I’m all 1st half pardner” Bruce, yeah, he can eat a big D. 2017 Projections: 70/27/84/.247/5 in 545 ABs
54. Carlos Gomez – Here’s what I said this offseason, “(Gomez) re-signed with the Rangers, though it might be more accurate to say the Rangers were resigned to re-sign Gomez. Or maybe re-sighed. CarGomez did have his best month last September (6 HRs, .326), and was solid with the Rangers overall (8 HRs, 5 SBs, .284 in 33 games), so it comes down to what Gomez you believe. The one that looked like a shell of his former self, or the one that broke out of his shell and was turtley awesome. I’m more in the former camp.” And that’s me quoting me! 2017 Projections: 73/17/57/.238/24 in 521 ABs
55. Ian Desmond – Here’s what I said this offseason, “(Desmond) signed with the Rockies (for five years, which is one of the worst real life baseball deals I’ve heard in a while, but this is about fantasy, so let’s move on. Dot dot dot. Okay, one last thing on real life baseball, the Rockies would be a playoff contender if every final game score was 7-6.). As for fantasy, *going through the old Rolodex in the brain looking for a Desmond highlight* There it is! In his rookie year, Desmond hit the longest home run at Nationals Park, and Adam Dunn was on that team. In 2015, he hit the 8th longest home run in the majors at 470 feet. What the hell am I getting at? Desmond doesn’t hit wall scrappers, he hits bombs, and now he’s headed to Coors. He may average 430 feet on his 30 HRs next year. Yes, I said it, 30 HRs. I’m done underestimating the magic Silver Bullet that is Coors. As of now, the Rockies say he’ll play 1st base, which makes total sense with his cannon for an arm. Ow, eye roll headache!” And that’s me quoting me! One small additional note, yes, there’s a ton of Rockies hitters in the first twenty, and, if possible, I’d own all of them on the same team. We need to embrace the Rockies hitters like we all embraced Embrace of the Vampire when Alyssa Milano decided she needed to do nudity to show she had grown out of being a child star. UPDATE: I hate early drafts. There’s absolutely no skill involved in drafting on March 3rd and avoiding Ian Desmond due to a broken hand that hasn’t happened yet. It’s like not getting on a subway car and you end up marrying a Cougar vs. Coldplay’s Chris Martin and you keep forgetting your Apple ID so you can’t download a song you really want to hear vs. getting free iPhones hand-delivered by Bono. Admittedly, I never saw the movie, Sliding Doors, but I picture the plot being something like that. I want to marry Chris Martin and get iBonos! Man, this effin’ sucks. Yes, that’s my ‘pert opinion. It effin’ sucks. 2017 Projections: 49/17/54/.253/11 in 369 ABs
56. Yasiel Puig – Is anyone more fitting in the Eat a D tier than Puig? If there’s a pyramid of eating a D, Kanye and Trump’s cabinet are near the top of eating a D, but they’re all looking up at Puig. He is the King of Eating a D. In fact (Grey’s got more!), if Rajai is the King of SAGNOF, Puig will forever be known as the King of Eating a D. Living in LA, I feel like I know what it must’ve been like for Red Sox fans to go to the stadium and see J.D. Drew. (Speaking of eating a D, the entire Drew family can eat a D.) Puig is the Cuban Drew. “He has so much ability,” everyone says. Then three months after the season starts, everyone says, “Puig can eat a D.” 2017 Projections: 65/18/71/.277/7 in 461 ABs
57. Curtis Granderson – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball. I call this tier, “A Cinqfecta of Old.” Cinqfecta is a trifecta with five. But there’s obviously more than five guys in this tier if it goes into the top 80 outfielders post. Yes, but there’s no word for a trifecta with six. Are we sure there’s a word cinqfecta? Leave me alone, Random Italicized Voice! As for Granderson, there’s so much to say about him that hasn’t been said before. For unstints, did you know his grandfather’s name was Grady? Or that he’s old enough to be a grandfather himself? All possibly true facts. 2017 Projections: 84/25/51/.241/5 in 525 ABs
58. Ben Zobrist – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
59. Carlos Beltran – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Signed with the Astros, after choosing between the Yankees, Red Sox and Blue Jays. The teams interested in a player like Beltran has become so predictable. Surprised the Rangers weren’t also in the mix. So, Beltran is back with the Astros, and still looks like Ricky from My So Called Life. Maybe Beltran will get 27+ homers again and maybe he’ll open-mouth kiss George Springer.” And that’s me copying and pasting me! 2017 Projections: 68/24/75/.276/1 in 465 ABs
60. Matt Holliday – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.