After going over my top 10 for 2017 fantasy baseball and top 20 for 2017 fantasy baseball (clickbait!), I move onto the one post all year that make all the ladies say ‘Ooooh…’ The manner in which those ladies in question say ‘Ooooh…’ is as such, “Ooooh…So, are we going to the mall after you’re done reading that fantasy baseball nonsense or can we go now and, while I’m shopping, you sit outside Orange Julius reading that shizz while I’m dropping buckets of duckets on earrings? And, no, we can’t go to Lush so you can play with the handmade soaps.” It’s better if we leave it at, this post makes all the ladies say ‘Ooooh…’ The ellipsis says enough, I think. The projections noted in the post are my own, and I mention where tiers start and stop. I also mention a bunch of hullabaloo, so let’s get to it. Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2017 fantasy baseball:
1. Gary Sanchez – This is the first tier. This tier goes from here until Schwarber. I call this tier, “The new guard.” Guess what the next tier name is. If you said the ‘The Wildebeest guard,’ you’re Siri, and think this tier name was ‘The Gnu guard.’ No, the next tier is clearly going to be the Old Guard. After that, the guards get intermingled. Most of you know how I feel about catchers. If you draft a catcher any time before the first 100 picks, you don’t know how I feel about catchers. Let me freshen up your cocktail with a splash of insight. I don’t draft top catchers in one catcher leagues. I Reggie Roby them. Last year, Lucroy was the top ranked catcher at the end of year. Yet, he was only the 77th best player for all of fantasy, about the same value as Eric Hosmer and Carlos Beltran. That’s right, the 14th best 1st baseman and an 84-year-old outfielder were as valuable as the best catcher. The best catcher can’t spray aerosol deodorant on the top guy for another position. Hmm, maybe I should’ve called this tier, Right Guard. Or maybe that’s Wrong Guard. Or ‘en garde’ if you try to put a catcher on my team. Only 12 catchers last year ended the year ranked in the top 250 overall. That means only 12 catchers had positive fantasy values. In other words, if you drafted any catchers below the top 12 for more than zero dollars, you lost value. As for Sanchez, I’m actually excited about seeing what this tier of catchers can do. That in no way indicates I will be drafting any of them. Gary Sanchez is slang for a Dirty Sanchez performed in Gary, Indiana, and he’s also the cream of the crap. 2017 Projections: 71/27/82/.260/3 in 471 ABs
2. Kyle Schwarber – For all my rankings, I use the 2017 fantasy baseball position eligibility chart. And, by chart, I mean, thing I wrote after sniffing glue. My jorts is ten games. Hmm, shouldn’t have used a thesaurus and just used the word cutoff. But, and this is a strangely alluring but like you’d find with a female bodybuilder, Schwarber doesn’t have ten games anywhere, and he might not have catcher eligibility. If you want to know everything you need to know about Yahoo fantasy, Google “Schwarber catcher eligibility.” You get a Yahoo representative telling people Schwarber will have catcher eligibility and, two weeks later, someone else from Yahoo says he won’t have catcher eligibility. For a major company, their fantasy product is run like this, “Is Schwarber a catcher in 2017?” Guy who barely knows anything about baseball but knows a lot about programming, “Yeah, I put it in the system that he’s a catcher.” But the other scenario that is possible is the same guy says, “Nah, Willson Converse (sic) is the Cubs catcher.” You think I’m joking. 2017 Projections: 81/26/90/.248/5 in 488 ABs
3. Jonathan Lucroy – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Posey. I call this tier, “The old guard.” Lucroy and Posey are going different ways. It’s a small sample size — that’s what she said! — but Lucroy hit more fly balls last year and pulled a ton of them. It’s almost like he channeled Public Enemy and sung, “I’m a catcher so my plate is your home, but welcome to the Homerdome!” It’s hard to say his changes last year are here to stay, but what’s not hard to know is last year was the ceiling and it wasn’t a top 75 overall fantasy year, so let the catcher get wicked (on someone else’s team). 2017 Projections: 71/19/82/.283/5 in 480 ABs
4. Buster Posey – It’s fair to point out that I haven’t written the top 100 yet, but I’m not sure Posey is going to make it. If I had to guess, I’d say he will, but only the tail end, which is the wrong side for a guy named Posey. Hey now! It’s always fun when a guy wouldn’t have to change his name if he were to start a porn career. Buster Posey would work just fine. Last year, his homers went from 19 to 14 and that had a lot to do with his ground balls getting wonky terrible. That doesn’t always come back for some guys, so I’m kinda between a rock and a place where Posey’s now a 15-homer guy with a .280 average (hit enough ground balls and some will get caught). Either way, I wouldn’t draft a catcher yet. 2017 Projections: 78/16/86/.291/4 in 515 ABs
5. Willson Contreras – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Grandal. I call this tier, “Your least favorite word is moist, my least favorite is catcher.” This tier will likely entice a few of you, but I implore you to lay off of these schmohawks. This is the trickiest tier, because a lot of people understand punting the first tiers, but, by this point, they start to consider drafting a catcher, and it is just a total waste. Here’s you, “Meh, is Khris Davis really that good? I think I’m gonna take Contreras.” That pains me to read even if it’s just a hypothetical you. Okay, I guess I’m only hypothetically upset. And for those of you that want to say, “If you don’t want to draft Contreras and will draft, say, Tom Murphy, then why not rank them in that order?” Murphy shouldn’t be drafted until these other schmohawks are off the board, and if he is, then whatevs and you take a different catcher even later. None of these guys are going to stay on your team, so why waste a top 200 pick on one. As for Contreras, if he wasn’t on the Cubs, you wouldn’t even know who he was. Cust kayin’. 2017 Projections: 62/16/74/.267/4 in 451 ABs
6. Salvador Perez – This guy is like the Adam Eaton of catchers. He’s enticing because he plays more than anyone else, but, because he plays every day, his value per game goes way down. Would you prefer Evan Gattis who gets 20 homers in 110 games or Perez who gets 22 homers in 145 games? Why did you answer bologna? That wasn’t an option. 2017 Projections: 55/22/73/.256/1 in 535 ABs
7. Russell Martin – One small note about this tier. It’s a lot more attractive in a two-catcher league where you’d like to get one boring guy that is locked in as the starting catcher and should accumulate decent counting stats. J. Russell Coltrane Dizzy Simone Dean Martin has made his living in that ‘boring, but useful everyday catcher’ role. 2017 Projections: 68/20/78/.235/4 in 465 ABs
8. J.T. Realmuto – Not to single out Realmuto, but he’s everything wrong with everyday catchers. Okay, that kinda was singling him out. Last year, he was the 5th best catcher. His stats: 60/11/48/.303/12 in 509 ABs. Should call him J.T. Adameato. I’m sorry, a 10/10 guy doesn’t excite me at any position unless it’s coming with 120 runs, 60 RBIs and a .320 average. None of which Just Tropical Realmuto will be doing. 2017 Projections: 54/10/57/.281/11 in 451 ABs
9. Yasmani Grandal – Last year, OBPWulf had 27 homers and that’s just the beginning! *sees stats* And that’s the end too! Well, at least OBPWulf’s blurb is shorter to read than Beowulf. 2017 Projections: 57/20/69/.240/2 in 423 ABs
10. Brian McCann – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Ramos. I call this tier, “Stop holding your junk and start drafting some junk.” If the tier name wasn’t obvious enough, at this point in drafts, I’m drafting. Here’s what I said this offseason, “Traded to the Astros. The Yankees are your newly-divorced dad. They broke it off with their old bittie, and now are trying to get themselves a squeeze that is half their age. Whether that marriage was to A-Rod or Te(i)x, McCann was the stepchild that had to go too. “Sorry, Brian, but as your stepdaddy, I’d like to say I never really loved you, but tried to make it work when I was in that backwards AF marriage. I’ve cancelled your credit card, and good luck.” That’s the Yankees saying goodbye to McCann.” And that’s me quoting me! 2017 Projections: 66/19/75/.237/1 in 418 ABs
11. Evan Gattis – Yes, there’s some platoon shituations with this tier. As I alluded to in the Perez blurb, does it really matter with a catcher? So, you get a few less runs and RBIs, you also get 75 less at-bats of a bleh batting average. Gattis, or as he likes to be called El Osso Buco, may be on the outside of an everyday playing job, but I still veal like Osso Buco can shank out 20 HRs from April ’til marrow. 2017 Projections: 39/20/56/.255/2 in 369 ABs
12. Matt Wieters – You should not confuse “Draft this tier” with “I’m especially impressed with this tier.” I never said I liked this tier. In a 12-team, mixed, one-catcher league, everyone drafts one catcher (unless you’re in a league with some total jackasses), so this is the edge of draftable. To compare apples and oranges, think of drafting Wieters as comparable to drafting Fernando Rodney. I’m saying to draft a catcher now, I’m not saying, “Yay, these guys are awesome.” Wieters is so unawesome, no one even wanted to sign him this offseason. It got to the point at the Winter Meetings where Wieters was working the valet stand just to get face-time with the GMs. Also, if Wieters is pegged to DH at some point this offseason, don’t fall into a Catch-162 situation. UPDATE: Wieters signed with the Nationals, moving approximately 38 minutes south. Though, Waze says I can make the drive in 34 minutes if I cross through Hamsterdam and do 75 MPH on the I-95 shoulder. Thanks for the directions, Waze! I looked to see how much Wieters DH’d last year to gauge how much he might sit this year, but he didn’t play much DH at all (seven starts). The pitching and parks will be a little tougher, but Wieters should be good for the occasional homer and not much else. 2017 Projections: 45/18/54/.249/1 in 407 ABs
13. Cameron Rupp – There were some positive gains last year for Rupp, and maybe, just maybe he’s on the *pinkie to mouth* Rupp swing! C’mon, high five the crap out of me! C’mon! No? Okay. Rupp hit 16 homers in only 105 games last year and he’s a big guy in a good homer park. Hey, when you’re looking for an interesting catcher, do you really need more? 2017 Projections: 40/19/58/.241/1 in 412 ABs
14. Derek Norris – Here’s what I said this offseason, “(Norris) acquired by the Nats. The NL East got its second d’Arnaud catcher, only this one spells his name, Der-No.” And that’s me quoting me! UPDATE: With Wieters’ signing, Norris will become the highest-priced backup catcher (on the Nats; I honestly don’t know his salary or what other backup catchers are getting). UPDATE II: Signed with the Rays, which essentially moves his value back to where it was when he first signed with the Nats, only without the good lineup around him. This will also put Norris in mortal danger, because he’s now replacing Psycho Killer, Curt Casali. 2017 Projections: 48/15/51/.237/6 in 458 ABs
15. Travis d’Arnaud – He’s been battling injuries forever. Last year, it was a shoulder injury. Speaking of shoulders, doesn’t the beginning of his last name look like someone putting their hand under their armpit? Hmm, maybe it’s just me. He had a .218 ISO in 2015, that would’ve been on par with Hanley and Justin Turner this past year. So, worth the flyer for power, but wouldn’t expect a ton. 2017 Projections: 41/14/48/.259/1 in 404 ABs
16. Stephen Vogt – He’s currently penciled in the two-hole. I don’t believe that will stay that way all season, but since there’s so little downside with catchers, I could see grabbing Vogt on the chance he stays there. More than likely, something will happen to delegitimize Vogt, maybe Russian hackers. 2017 Projections: 57/14/44/.255 in 415 ABs
17. Andrew Susac – Right now, he’s the everyday catcher for the Brewers, has 20-homer power and could have a .350+ OBP! What’s not to love?! Well, he hasn’t played much in the majors and he’ll be 27 in March. However (save us, However, save us!), he did have Posey in front of him up until the move to Milwaukee. I can talk myself into Susac being a 20+ homer guy with a decent average, but I can also see how he sits a bunch for Jett Bandy and Susac becomes Suckass. 2017 Projections: 38/16/51/.251 in 375 ABs
18. Welington Castillo – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Signed with the Orioles. Every year, boeuf Welington looks like he could break out, but either teams don’t play him or he gets injured. Seems like Welington has gotten a raw deal. So, does that make him carpaccio? Hopefully, he doesn’t lose too many at-bats to Caleb Joseph and his Amazing Shittycolor Dreamcoat.” And that’s me quoting me! 2017 Projections: 38/16/59/.239/1 in 390 ABs
19. Wilson Ramos – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Signed with the Rays. Ramos is recovering from an ACL tore, the 2nd one he’s endured. That’s one injury stamp card you probably don’t want to fill up as a catcher. I couldn’t see a concrete timetable — where’s Stonehenge when you need it? — for Ramos’ return, but I’d guess June.” And that’s me copying and pasting me! 2017 Projections: 31/13/41/.274 in 305 ABs
20. Yadier Molina – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Leon. I call this tier, “Will get at-bats, and make you wish they weren’t.” Again, in two-catcher leagues, getting at-bats from your catcher is important, and I’d move this tier above the previous tier in those leagues, but in most redraft leagues, these guys are going to be on and off waivers about twelve hundred times in the course of the year*. *Twelve hundred is a rough estimate. As for Yadier, there’s always a strong contingency of people who like Molina more than they should, and he gets drafted in a lot of leagues where he shouldn’t. Let’s call these people ‘Cards fans’ or ‘people who confuse real baseball with fantasy.’ 2017 Projections: 53/7/57/.288/3 in 490 ABs
21. Sandy Leon – You kinda need to rank catchers to appreciate this, but I want to rank every catcher 15th overall and be done with it. The 15th catcher being the last catcher drafted in most 12 team leagues. (Figure Schwarber’s drafted as an OF, and some schmohawk gets goofy with themselves and drafts two catchers.) Is Leon all that different than Vogt? Yes, technically, he is. Vogt has more power, will get better counting stats, will see some DH at-bats, but would I drop Vogt by mid-April for Leon, if Leon is hot? Yes, hence they’re basically the same. Same goes really for two-thirds of this post. As for Sandy, if he has a .390+ BABIP again, he’s gonna be great! 2017 Projections: 58/6/55/.255/1 in 398 ABs
22. Devin Mesoraco – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Flowers. I call this tier, “So, you’re in a deep, two catcher league?” Tier name is pretty straightforward. There’s some upside with this tier and they’re worth drafting in two-catcher leagues, but there’s also huge downside. And, in Mesoraco’s case, there’s a frontside that looks like a backside. If you were to tell me Mesoraco will start 120 games in 2017, I’d say, “Draft him as long as ‘Handsome’ isn’t a category in your league.” Will Mesoraco, or as I like to call him Uncle Fester, start 120 games? I’d take the under on 80 games. 2017 Projections: 41/15/55/.245/1 in 365 ABs
23. Austin Hedges – Is there any truth to the rumor that Austin Hedges’ full name is Austin Hedges Menthol Lights? Asking for my dead grandmother. Apparently, Hedges is the starting Padres catcher, and he had 21 homers in Triple-A (PCL) with a .326 average. The Padres should really consider not having their minor leaguers play in a Coors-like atmosphere only to promote them to a rather sobering environment. 2017 Projections: 32/15/46/.226/1 in 402 ABs
24. James McCann – This guy is also sometimes called, “Crap, a giant bug was on my computer screen and all I could see was his last name. Can we pause the draft and let me re-pick?” 2017 Projections: 42/14/56/.251 in 424 ABs
25. Jett Bandy – This guy is A) Friend of Crash Bandicoot who had a spinoff video game called, Jett Bandy’s Wild Ride. B) The Monkees’ manager. C) There’s no C. D) No one really knows who Jett Bandy is. E) The Brewers’ backup catcher. F) A Yakuza boss who owns a sneaker shop in Roppongi. G) All the above. H) Could have surprising power in Miller Park if he plays. I bet you’re picking G, but I’m highly suspicious of you picking ‘All of the Above’ prior to reading all the choices. 2017 Projections: 25/13/31/.243/2 in 289 ABs
26. Mike Zunino – You don’t necessarily want Zunino playing every day, unless to balance his average on your fantasy team, you also have 2004 Ichiro, 1994 Tony Gwynn and 1924 Rogers Hornsby. 2017 Projections: 37/17/49/.204/1 in 391 ABs
27. Chris Iannetta – Signed this offseason by the Diamondbacks. Iannetta replaced Herrmann as the starting catcher, which is sort of a whatever move, until you see Herrmann had real promise and Iannetta couldn’t even get a promise ring from the Promise Keepers. 2017 Projections: 41/10/44/.217/1 in 371 ABs
28. Yan Gomes – Fun fact! GOMES stands for Guron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie and Superior. Four Great Lakes and one lake that someone’s forgotten the name of. So, was a bit of a lost season for Gomes last year. *sees his career* Okay, so his big 2014 season might be the outlier. Gotcha. Loud and clear. 2017 Projections: 45/13/49/.237 in 389 ABs
29. Tom Murphy – I already gave you my Tom Murphy fantasy. I wrote it while thinking, “How is there no ‘downtime’ with this procedure? It’s all downtime, isn’t it?” As for the playing time for Murphy, Wolters is currently penciled in as the starter, but Wolters is a 3-homer, .240 hitter IN COORS (caps for emphasis, not due to sticky keys). If the Rockies don’t make the right move and go with Murphy, then sigh and you drop him. At catcher, it’s worth the flyer. This, after all, will be around 225 overall in the rankings. UPDATE: Murphy fractured his forearm, which means he has 2/4arm? There should be some kind of law about something always going wrong for Murphy. Not sure what we’d call that law. Rockies said he’ll be out for four to six weeks, but a fractured forearm sounds like it would take at least two months. 2017 Projections: 22/10/38/.241/1 in 225 ABs
30. Tyler Flowers – He’s like the NL version of Zunino. April-owning Flowers, leaves one with May-hoping-for-batting-average-streamer showers. <–Totally a saying! 2017 Projections: 31/15/47/.227 in 381 ABs
31. Jason Castro – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “A Scuba instructor waving his hand, motioning to go back up, you’re too deep.” This offseason Castro signed with the Twins. Castro is reliable; he hit 11 HRs and .211 in 2015, and 11 HRs and .210 in 2016. The preceding is an example of how the adjective reliable isn’t always a positive. 2017 Projections: 37/10/41/.221/2 in 367 ABs
32. Curt Casali – It’s the Psycho Killer! Curt Casali! Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better catchers out there. Run run run run run run run away. 2017 Projections: 29/12/34/.222 in 298 ABs
33. Geovany Soto – The White Sox are gonna be so fun to watch this year (for Cubs fans who are a bunch of haters). 2017 Projections: 32/10/46/.223 in 304 ABs
34. Francisco Cervelli – He had one homer last year, but it was only in 101 games. If he catches a 162 games this year and one of those games goes into 435 extra innings, I could see Cervelli putting together a ten homer season. 2017 Projections: 42/3/39/.259/5 in 364 ABs
35. Tony Wolters – In 71 games last year, he had 3 homers. That breaks down to roughly one homer every time Kanye says something not related to Kanye. 2017 Projections: 32/5/37/.266/5 in 305 ABs
36. Chris Herrmann – Doesn’t this guy sound like a baseball version of Pat? Clock’s ticking on Chris Herrmann…Like in a biological way? Or maybe Chris can wait until 60 to start a family? Chris, would you say you’re more like your mother or father? A perfect combination of both, huh? Sigh…. It’s Chris Herrmann! 2017 Projections: 21/6/31/.224/3 in 276 ABs
37. Bruce Maxwell – If you think drafting Maxwell is a good idea, I say Get Smart. 2017 Projections: 26/7/38/.243 in 347 ABs
38. Omar Narvaez – Fun fact! When Omar showed up in The Wire, the hood rats would get “Narvaez.” 2017 Projections: 27/3/32/.271/2 in 289 ABs
