In 1906, the Cubs won a major league record 116 games. In 1907 and 1908, the Cubs won back-to-back World Series championships. Anticipating a third championship in 1909, a young, enterprising Chicago man bought up all the toilet paper in Chicago, planning on selling the toilet paper back to the celebrators for twice the amount of money for their ticker tape parade. The Cubs never won again, but it turned out people still needed toilet paper in their everyday life. So, he still sold it back to them at a huge markup. Now, most people would’ve been annoyed with this man, but he was so charming, which later became Charmin. A titan of industry. So, with this in mind, I’ve invested my life savings in toilet paper, and will sell it back to Cubs’ fans this October. I’m gonna make money, y’all! By the way, Cubs could be World Series champs within days of Donald Trump becoming president, that fallout shelter doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. As for Aroldis Chapman, the trade was completed yesterday with him going to the Cubs for a bunch of prospects. This kills Hector Rondon’s value for redraft leagues, since he’ll be pushed into the setup role with Aroldis closing. Whereas in New York, Andrew Miller goes from a top setup man to a top five closer. Now, here’s hoping for an Indians/Cubs World Series so I win either way with all of this TP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Luis Severino – Recalled from Triple-A. He’ll be used as a stop-gap in middle relief until Adam Warren arrives from the Aroldis’ trade, then Severino will likely be demoted again. In related news, I received a fortune cookie the other day that read, “May you hate your enemies as much as Girardi hates Severino.”
Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Okay, but he’s looked like at least a 4.87 ERA pitcher for huge stretches at a time!
George Springer – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .263, hitting near-.375 in the last week. Springer is having a great/super/adjective season. Yet — again with some stank — YET! He still hasn’t had one of those stretches where he’s the best player in the game, and it’ll come.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.57. If he didn’t win the Cy Young last year, you’d be debating him or Hellickson. Fo’serious.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.76. His ERA in June was 3.54. His ERA in July is over 5. Not going to say that I told you he wasn’t pitching as well as it appeared in April/May, but I will point that out while not pointing it out. The Cubs just shortened their games by one inning with Aroldis, but they still better get their rotation in order. Not a whole lot of games are gonna be won with the excuse, “Okay, this starter should be better though.”
Javier Baez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (9). Crime that he’s batting ninth, but, with that lineup, I’m actually not sure where else he could hit. Maybe eighth. Whoopie doo, as they say in The View bathroom.
Chris Sale – Will start on Thursday vs. the Cubs. Here’s hoping they lay out his uniform the day of. Can’t risk something that’s even a week old.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. Mean’s while, Jose Abreu hit a hard single.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the DL, and took back his rightful spot at the top of the lineup. Ow, eye roll headache. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Okay, who wallpapered my office with Hasselhoff pictures? Very funny, guys.”
Melvin Upton – Hasn’t played the last few days. In the ‘biz,’ they call this, “Getting days off so he doesn’t hurt himself and screw us out of being able to trade him.”
Alex Dickerson – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and 2nd homer in as many games. Aight, it’s not exactly Schimpf hitting homers in every game for a month, but I did batty call Dickerson yesterday, and our one night stand went better than The Night Of.
Aaron Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.72. I’ll give you a taste of next year’s rankings. It’s gonna go like this, “I’m ranking Aaron Sanchez in the top 20 because he was a top 20 starter last year. Why do ESPN and Yahoo have him ranked around the 40th best starter? I have no idea, but it’s likely because they’re not paying attention. Notice how they still have Greinke as a top 20 starter. Also, cool gold trim Trump put on the White House.” And that’s me quoting future me!
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 8th steal. Hasn’t done a ton of anything lately, but three hits in a game goes a long way to heating a guy up. Could be the start of something, or it could be because there wasn’t a ton of offense yesterday and I need to talk about some hitters. You make the call! Or not. Your choice.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homers. C’mon, Bruce, don’t appear too available, no teams are going to swipe right on you.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. And tied again with Votto! The race is on!
Anthony DeSclafani – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.09. The Regression Fairies went to see Kinky Boots on Broadway, they love Sunday brunch with the boys and they will destroy your ratios.
Angel Pagan – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Yesterday, I said he was hot. Today, I’m saying giddy up.
Brandon Belt – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he was moved down the order. Such conflicting messages. A Belt moved down, but that’s bad. Then, he gets a home run. Guess better than Belt moved up and we just hold hands.
Braden Shipley – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was called up. He likely won’t stay in the rotation when Greinke returns, but, even if he does, I wouldn’t want him. Though, I’m currently stockpiling Dropkick Murphy puns for when Shipley faces off with Boston.
Phil Gosselin – 2-for-4 as he hit in the two hole. Diamondbacks giving away games now? Gosselin’s got an inspiring story of going from a reality celebrity for fathering eight kids, then working at a TGIF’s, but batting 2nd? Dubya tee eff.
Jake Lamb – Dealing with a bruised hand. With Lamb, I would’ve guessed it was braised.
Domingo Santana – Had a setback with his elbow. My guess is Sunday Santana has a case of the Mondays.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .296. On our Player Rater, he’s top 20 overall. Yup.
Martin Maldonado – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. I had browser windows layered on top of each other and, for a moment, I thought Maldonado was Arenado. That was the worst browser coverup since I Safari’d Kendall Jenner but was accidentally looking at a Firefox Caitlyn.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, hitting .260. He’s like a poor man’s Schoop. I will call him Brushing With Baking Soda and Lemon Juice.
Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Just as the American royal family is no longer the Kennedys, Kennedy on the Royals is going nowhere fast too. The Royals need to trade for a Clinton, Trump or Kardashian.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .274. He’s been so yawnstipating, but is still the fifth best catcher. Sadly, the catchers above him have been only slightly less yawnstipating than him. It’s like measuring the world tallest midgets.
Prince Fielder – Will have season-ending neck surgery. This will be the 2nd time he has neck surgery. I couldn’t find any confirmation on WebMD, but maybe he needed it twice because he has a double chin.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer, hitting .310. If you would’ve drafted Desmond, Story and Villar instead of J.D., Abreu and McCutchen, you’d be in first instead of looking at fantasy football.
Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers. On the podcast, I compare Beltre unfavorably to another 3rd baseman that might surprise you that has been better than Beltre for the last season and a half. Hint: His name rhymes with Tustin Jurner.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Billy Beane immediately sent video of this home run to all major league teams. The Padres are requesting another copy, because they accidentally taped over it with The Bachelorette.
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 6th blown save. Don’t worry, Beane will still get some team to overpay for him.
David Dahl – 1-for-4 as he hit sixth. JB and I talk about Dahl on the podcast that is coming later today. The podcast is also our first one at our new home, Blog Talk Radio (and maybe last one with all the cussing), so if you have any problems downloading it, or finding it on iTunes, let us know. I should have an intern for these sort of announcements. *intern whispers in my ear* No, you’re my back-scratching intern.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer. *a leaf blows through the window, a long quiet beat then a Ford Escort flies through* Torenado!!!
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Joe Church!
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Looked much better than his first start with the Sawx. Still was outpitched by Justin Verlander (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks). Welcome to the AL, Pomeranz, said the super belated announcement card. By the way, imagine Verlander was a Padre for his whole career. *wavy lines* Hey, it’s a parallel universe where Verlander was a Padre. Cool! Verlander has been much better for his career, but he never met Kate Upton. I wonder who she fell in love with instead. *sees Kate Upton walk out of bathroom* Oh em gee! She’s with me! *wavy lines* No! Let’s go back to the parallel universe!
Craig Kimbrel – Threw 20 pitches off the mound. Red Sox reporter from The Boston Globe tweeted there were “fist bumps all around.” If he doesn’t win a Pulitzer for that tweet, there’s no justice.
Jarred Cosart – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.95. I’m with the Stream-o-Nator when I say, if you go with Jarred, you will get scarred.
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.65. This start was vs. the Marlins, who have been rumored as a possible landing place for Hellickson in a trade. Would’ve been awesome if they traded for him between innings and he Joel Youngblooded to the mound for the Marlins. We need more Joel Youngblooding in our life. In general. Like a barista who gets fired in the middle of a shift at Starbucks, goes over to Peet’s and steams milk for a latte in the same day. Has to be same day! Otherwise it doesn’t count.
